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Would I be better returning to my own place? Why are my parents subjecting me to this? Will it get better?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 May 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 4 May 2015)
A female Australia age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Six months ago, my parents offered me their apartment for 2 years until they decide to retire and move into it. The expectations are that I have to pay my bills and the rent is free. The reason why they offered me this is so that I can rent out my own apartment and get ahead financially.

I've been living at their place for almost 6 months and I now have a relationship with someone. He stayed over about 3 months ago when they visited and straight away my Mum began hounding me and questioning me about why he was staying. When he left, she told me he is not allowed to stay when they are visiting. I accepted this but things have gotten worse between my parents and me.

My parents and I haven't spoken much since then. I have tried to keep things calm between us but it isn’t working. They just don’t talk to me for a couple of days and then fly off the handle every now and then.

They came to their apartment again last week and we had a disagreement about my boyfriend staying over again (from the last time) He hadn’t even stayed since the last time. My Mum brought it up a second time and said she couldn't believe I let him stay over and how I should have known this without her having to tell me. Then she brought up other issues from months ago like how my boyfriend made a loud noise with the crockery when he left that morning and woke her up….just pointless arguments that should have been resolved earlier. My parents also brought up other things about not liking my views on things and how they can't believe they have raised someone like me.

My parents have been a nightmare to live with these past 10 days because of all of this. They won't talk to me, they won't accept meals when I cook them, they won't borrow any of my things and they deliberately go into their room when I am home so that they don’t have to be near me. It’s so childish. I have tried my best to stay calm these past 10 days and hope that things will get better but they haven’t. I think all of us are happy to do our own thing without speaking. And of course this isn’t healthy and it’s not the option I really want.

I really don’t know what my parents want from me. I’m 30 years old and they have always had a tendency to pick on me, start fights and make me feel bad about myself for no reason. I have a job, a place of my own, a good boyfriend. Etc but it seems that whatever I do isn’t good enough for them. All they want me to do is apologise and then things will be good again for a while. It happens every time. And to be honest, I’m sick of it. They can’t treat me like this and I won’t let them. By me not giving in, I’m trying to make them see for once that they can’t do this to me. I'm an adult now. Why do they need to make my life so miserable? It’s so childish and embarrassing to even talk about it.

My questions are; Why are they doing this to me? Will it get better? Should I just pack my things and move back into my unit?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntYes, I remember your last post. You bought a bike and your mom blew up because she wants you to save up EVERY penny you can.. right?

I know I said in the last post THAT I would move out of this unit and let your parents KNOW they CAN NOT control you.

I understand that it's NICE to have the extra money (by living rent free) but the EMOTIONAL toll it's taking on you to DEAL with your parents in this situation is NOT worth the money you are saving by living there.

Did you parent grow up poor or struggling? Or did they come from parents who did? My guess is they THINK by nitpicking you and trying to control EVERY aspect of your life - you will have a BETTER life than them (or your grandparents) They PRESUME that because they are older they are also wiser (which MAY be true in some areas but not true when it comes to YOU living YOUR life as YOU want to).

You are 30 years old. SO you have been an adult for a GOOD 12 years, they.... see you as a 13 year old who needs guidance.

You say they can't treat me like this! But they CAN and they DO. As long as you LIVE under their roof they will.

Before you let them know you are moving back, make sure you tenant has the 4 week notice (or whatever was agreed on in the contract).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015):

Living in their apartment rent free is making your parents feel they have a free pass to control your life.

I would pack up and go back to your other apartment.

If possible, see if you can get a second job to supply more income so that you can get ahead financially.

Do not turn to your parents for financial help. They will use that against you.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (4 May 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntWhy are they doing it? Because you are permitting it and living in a home they own rent free. They currently feel they have the right to control your actions in the home they own.

will it get better? probably not

should I just pack my things and move back to my unit? Yes.

if you live in your own place and you pay your own bills then they have no say in how you live. I would be gone right away.

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