A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Thank you Aunts for your time reading my agony...My boyfriend of 2.5 years had a ' friend' that he met up with at her house unbeknownst to me over a year ago, i caught him there, he said they were just friends and were talking about a guy she was seeing. They played on a team together. Since that time we have been through some other personal tragedies independent of that incident. I forgave him sort of but was busy taking care of a dying mom to much to deal with the problem between me and him correctly at the time.We have a wonderful relationship but our relationship is definitely stagnant and i am in the belief that he is comfortable with this level of relationship as we are older. My problem lies in that he is NOT a communicator, hates to talk and definitely wont let me in on his 'friendship with this girl who wanted him( this i know via other sources) and i am in the belief that he was cheating on me if not sexually emotionally, as much as i have moved past his lie, I am overwhelmed and disturbed by the not knowing what their relationship is. He knows all my male freinds i include him with them i tell him when I speak to them or see them, yet i know nothing of this girl and his relationship.He did stop the team 5 months later but didnt drop her as a friend....she also friended me on FB in April i asked him at that point why would she do that? He had no answer he also got angry when I asked him in April when the last time he spoke or saw her, he was very angry and shut down. He said i keep rehashing the past.Now she comes up again because she invited us to her birthday party next month?!?!? Huh he told me he only bumped into her at the dry cleaners one night other than that not since seen or talked to her since the wake last year...so if they haven't spoke why the invite to a small 40 person party none of which any other team member are invited too....? My question was do you think it's inappropriate for me to go to her house( she had invited me several times last year) and see if she will tell me the relationship they indeed had. She now has a boyfriend and i would not go in attacking but i truly honestly really want desperately someone to tell me what kind of relationship if in fact his facts add up to hers...i am having so much trouble letting this go because i feel that he cannot communicate with me when it comes to emotional intimacy or facts about his wrongs.He is a great guy i would stay friends with him if we broke up but I am at my breaking point emotionally because of my anger and mistrust and feelings of being shut out, i feel more like a best guy friend than a woman he is madly in love.Ps he opens car doors for me, always pays and is really awesome sometimes i feel like maybe I am just a crazy girl and too emotional, after 2.5 yrs he still hasn't even said he loves me..and no i did not say it and I won't especially because of what happened last year. I need to know he feels it...its irrelevant if i feel it i am a girl i wouldnt be with a man if i didnt love him for this long. Im too old for ^^^^^t and after a decade long marriage and years of dating, i am in a no bullshit zone, i want truth and honesty not so i can blast him but to understand better what his real intentions are since he won't say and help me decide if leaving such an otherwise great relationship is necessary...So do you think i can contact her and have coffee and try for the truth? Or do u think its pointless and ridiculous and if i have that much distrust and pent up anger and he won't talk then i should move on,But ill be honest with you Aunts, even if we break up even if i marry someonelse in the future this not knowing will haunt me endlessly, its just how I am i always need to know..i dont try to control anything but i do feel i have the right to know and that just kills me daily for well over a year now. Please help and thank you for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 August 2013):
 If you can't get the information from your boyfriend that you need to know and understand about a relationship he had with someone, then you need to be ok with not having the information. I think it would be distrustful to get it from any other source.
There could be a lot of reasons for the strange behavior he has towards her/you, etc. Perhaps he does like her but not that way. Perhaps he feels guilty having a female friend.
There would be no harm in making friends with her but I wouldn't use the friendship to violate the trust with your boyfriend, her trust with him or your trust with him. Stop trying to find something to be jealous of and try to enjoy a friendship with her.
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (24 August 2013):
 I believe that TRUST is most important in a relationship. If you both are in a committed relationship and the other girl knows that, then you need to trust your boyfriend. Other people may have their own opinions and it's fine to hear them out, but what do YOU feel in your heart? That is most important.
I would not suggest you to go have coffee with her and ask her. However, I would suggest you take her up on her offer for friendship. Just be her friend without any motives, get to know her and understand her as a person. It'd be great if the three of you (your BF, You, and her) hang out together. This is the best way to tell if there is something between them, and also a way for her to see that you both are a couple.. if you are still worrying about whether there is something going on between them.
In the end, I believe that everyone will come out a winner. You would've shown your boyfriend that you can accept his friend and most importantly you TRUST him. You would've made a new friend too!
I know it's easy to think negatively especially when others are telling you their views. Always listen, but follow your heart because only you know how your BF truly is. Believe in yourself too, there must be a reason why he is attracted to you and chose YOU to be his GF! Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (24 August 2013):
Personally, from an outsiders point-of-view on what you described; I think if anything was going on with them, she wouldn't try to include you in anything. She's invited you over before, she's tried to be friends with you on FB, and she invited you both to her birthday party. If anything, it kind of sounds like she has the impression that you don't like her and she's trying to be friends with you that way you can be more comfortable with their friendship. That's just what I'm getting from the scenario.
But you also mentioned that you received from other sources that she wanted him? How reliable are theses sources and how did they find that piece of information out? Did they just assume she did or did she outright say, 'I want him!'?
You could meet her and ask her, and she may or may not be honest. But also be prepared for your boyfriend to once again be fully pissed off. But like you said, you're not up for some BS, so if you really think it's going to give you the answers you're looking for, then try talking to her.
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