A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m in the worst situation I could ever be in in my life I’ve made the biggest mistake ever and now I don’t know what to do I am suffering badly! I am 14 weeks pregnant but ended up cheating the night before I found out I was pregnant I know how bad this sounds I can’t believe I’m in this situation but no one to blame but myself. I had been talking to an old friend on snapchat catching up now and again for about 3 months, we ended up arranging to go to the gym together one evening as we were both into exercising. After that we ended up chatting abit and one thing lead to another and resulted in 5 mins of disgusting dirty pointless sex. I can not believe how careless I have been as could of seen a + result on a test at least a few days before I found out. Now I feel I have ruined everything ruined what I’ve been waiting for for so long I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years and have never thought about cheating before and would never do it again! This would shatter his heart into a million pieces and I really do not deserve him. I really am stuck on what to do my heart is saying tell him and my minds all over the place atm. We was going through a very rocky patch basically on the verge of splitting up and also having counselling atm for drug addict mum who I think I will speak to at my next meeting. I thought I was stronger than I was but obviously not. We have already moved to a bigger place and he is being the most perfect boyfriend now I just feel sick and it’s always there. I feel like I’ve betrayed everyone and will be a single mother which I do not want for my unborn child, I need to make this work for my family. Everyone is sooo happy for us I don’t feel that I can do that to him at this moment but how am I meant to live with this and carry on trying to be happy it’s hard! I’m trying not to dwell on it but it’s so hard when we are getting our new home ready for our child. My boyfriend also has a teenage daughter who is under ss and may end up living with us and may end up in dna tests if I tell even thou I know it’s his baby. The other guy has promised not to ever tell anyone he knows it’s a mistake and never happening again he’s also in a relationship with a child. I need to be strong for my child but can I live now he’s talking about mortgages, don’t want to crack in a few years he will instantly leave.. my heart is aching right now someone please give me some advice I already know how disgusting and cheap I am so please be nice. Sorry this is so long but needed to get my story out my baby is the only thing keeping me going right now
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2018): You already know that this was the worst mistake of your life. I read an article explaining that telling the other person in a marriage (or marriage-like) situation about a one-off night is actually selfish because it is designed to unburden YOUR guilt and clear YOUR conscience, but simply causes immense pain to the other person (your partner). You may live without the guilt afterwards, but your partner will live with the feeling of inadequacy for the rest of his life.
You already KNOW this was the worst mistake of your life.
You are pregnant. You want a stable home for your child- I do NOT think it is the best thing to tell him- ever. You were struggling with the relationship so when struggles are occurring slip ups do happen.
In his place? Honestly, I would NOT want to know. That is me.
In the future make sure you never make this horrible mistake again. The guilt will subside somewhat over the years but hopefully some will always remain to remind you.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (12 November 2018):
 It is YOUR choice in the end whether you tell your boyfriend or not. Despite what some people have commented, I am not suggesting and have never suggested you "sweep this under the carpet". I just feel no good can come of telling your boyfriend what you have done. On the other hand, a lot of hurt will result from your confession. In MY opinion, you should take on the hurt yourself. This will be your penance for what you did.
If you tell your boyfriend, it will not make YOU feel any better. You will still beat yourself up. What WILL happen is that your boyfriend will be very hurt, he will probably dump you, and your child could end up without a father in his/her life.
You know you will never do something like this again. Make it up to your boyfriend by being a good partner and mother.
That is MY advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2018): You weight the pros and cons in situations where you're not sure of the impact something will have; or what kind of a rippling-effect it would send through your life.
In an ideal world, you can confess everything to another human being. This is causing you far too much angst. Perhaps you are compelled to confess it to your boyfriend; and let the chips fall where they may. By all means, if your heart tells you that you should, then do it.
Confession and truth unburdens the soul. The truth will set you free. Only, you are in a very unstable environment; and you are pregnant. I don't just shoot-off advice without considering the consequences, the overall climate, and various scenarios that may occur. That's reckless and irresponsible. DC can't take responsibility for what happens to people due to our advice! I'm not there to protect you. I don't know your boyfriend, or what he's capable of. I'm safe here behind a keyboard telling you how to handle this, and I don't know either of you.
Your guilt and anxiety are magnified not only by the burden you carry; but also by the pregnancy hormones that are exploding in your body. I've never suggested that you should lie, I advised that you should confess to someone of trust to relieve the tension and guilt. In time, you will have to tell your boyfriend. Timing is important, and how you go about doing it.
I strongly suggest there be a mediator or referee present; because someone has to be there to calm things down. You're talking about telling a man with substance-abuse problems, still dealing with his issues, and his unpredictable male-ego; that you slept with another man! Advice about this is very tricky; and your safety is of the utmost importance. I don't care what anybody says!!!
You are not in a healthy enough state of mind to deal with this at the present. Mentally, nor physically. Not that you're some porcelain doll; but your psychological-state is not stable enough to handle his unpredictable reaction.
He will be hurt and quite angry. So the advice to tell the truth isn't wrong, it's just easier said than done. Either of you could end-up in a relapse. Couple's therapy or a family-counselor is needed to keep this potentially volatile situation under control.
Any suggestion implying that I told you to lie and cover anything up is a gross misinterpretation. I take offense.
I'm not justifying or defending my advice; I'm clarifying it for your sake. You and your condition are the focus here, not your boyfriend's ego. He will not like it, but considering that he is someone who has been dealing with his family problems, your relationship, and his/your addictions; he's got a lot on his plate. He has a kid with problems, and one on the way! That's a lot of pressure and responsibility.
Delay the news until you can find a good setting, and someone to keep the situation under control; if and when you tell him the truth. Cooler heads will prevail, and he will not be hit with a ton of bricks; and expected to take this lightly.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 November 2018):
 You know telling him is the only right thing to do now. It’s too late to take it back, so you need to give him the choice to stay or leave. Please don’t wait because it’ll leave you less likely to tell him and it’s not right to hide your cheating from him. If it’s meant to be, it will all work out. If it isn’t, it won’t.
I’m sorry, OP, but he deserves to know and you can’t move on until you accept the consequences.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 November 2018):
 I’ve seen it a few times on this site now people being advised to sweep cheating under the carpet and I find it astounding. You are being eaten up by guilt now before the baby is born, will it go after the birth? When you get married? Absolutely not, it will be likely to get worse when you see how much your partner loves his new little family unbeknownst to him has had the ultimate betrayal in a relationship against him.
Your conscience is telling you to own up, you need to listen to it. This will tear his heart out, there’s no two ways about it. This will break him but it is so selfish to hide something like this from a partner. You’re supposed to love this man, how could you cheat in the first place and then what right do you have to decide that he should stay with a cheat? I know I wouldn’t want to, I would want to be told so I could leave my partner. You had no problem fucking this other dude so now it’s time to deal with the consequences, own your actions and let your BF decide whether he wants to stay with you or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel absolutely awful everyday and don’t think I can rest until I tell him, I feel trapped everything has changed in my life so quickly and I don’t know how to deal with it. People are noticing at work that I’m not quite myself. The thing is I rely on him heavily he has given me everything and that’s the bit that hurts the most. He left his daughters mum after he found out that she cheated, our relationship is much different to theirs, I have built him back up from nothing and this will destroy him and me but I deserve it. I was already pregnant when I slept with him as I was also a day late for my period aswel but had sort of given up thinking it was going to happen as I was unregular, it was also his birthday the next day ??. I can not believe how careless I have been my life has changed in less than a day and feel like I have ruined my whole adult life with this lingering over me. I would prob not wanna no now in this situation if he done it to me but I don’t think I can live with myself. Everyone is going to hate me I’m going to be so alone! I’m seeing my counsellor later on hopefully she will be able to guide me abit better. The timing of the year aswell doesn’t help I’m going to ruin his Christmas if I tell him and I’ve moved into a bigger flat with him just sparks ultimate betrayal.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (11 November 2018):
Couples' counselling and own up. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him" is selfish because everyone should know if the person they love has cheated. I'm sorry, but he deserves to know and decide for himself whether he wants to be with you or not.
It's disappointing how many people would like you to hide the betrayal from your innocent boyfriend. It was a mistake, yes, and you shouldn't forever beat yourself up about it, but you should take the consequences and tell him, so it's HIS decision. Your choice was to have sex with someone else. HIS choice should be whether or not to stay with you. Can you imagine the betrayal if it somehow comes out 10 years from now? Please don't be selfish enough to keep it from him. Yes, it will hurt, but you knew that when you did it. He DESERVES to know.
Stay healthy for your baby, take your boyfriend to counselling with you and own up. That way, your therapist can help you communicate with each other to see if it's salvageable. Please don't keep it from him; if you really love someone, you wouldn't hide betrayal, even if it was a mistake you won't repeat.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (11 November 2018):
First of all, acknowledge and accept NOBODY is perfect. We all make mistakes from time to time. You made a BIG mistake but that does not make you evil or cheap or disgusting. It makes you human and fallible. Stop being so hard on yourself. You have obviously learned from your mistake. Now you need to hold it all together for the sake of your baby.
Did you use contraception with the other guy? If there is any chance the baby could be his, you will probably not rest until you have a DNA test done. However, this does not need to involve your boyfriend. Ask your "friend" to take a DNA test. If he is not the father, then your boyfriend obviously is. It it turns out he IS the father, then that bridge will need to be crossed at a later date. Worrying about it will not change anything, except possibly your health.
It sounds like the other guy has just as much to lose as you do, so he is unlikely to ever tell anyone about your indiscretion. If it wasn't for the unfortunate timing of your baby's conception, you could forget this moment of madness and simply learn from it and move on.
In your shoes I would concentrate on staying as healthy as possible for your baby's sake. This includes trying not to worry or stress too much. When the baby is born, contact the other guy (discretely of course) and suggest a DNA test your peace of mind and his. Hopefully the test will prove your boyfriend is the father. You then need to destroy all evidence of the test so that your boyfriend never finds evidence, draw a line under the whole regrettable episode, learn your lesson and never repeat the same mistake.
Good luck. I hope it all works out for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2018): [EDIT]:
Typo corrections:
"It's your boyfriend's child."
"Your relationship was strained, you're in counseling, but if you need to relieve yourself by confession; maybe you can set-up a private-session with a counselor."
"Sadly, that means you have to figure it out all on your own."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2018): This one slip, a one-time mistake. It was carelessness, and you set yourself up by chatting with an outsider; while you were working your way through personal-issues. That contact with the so-called friend lead to bad-judgement and vulnerability.
This is my advice. Don't bring it up. Leave it. Bury it. Its your boyfriend's child.
Your relationships was strained, you're in counseling, but if you need to relieve yourself by confession; maybe you can set-up a private-session with a counselor.
If you have faith; this is the best time to talk to the leader of your faith, and connect with your Creator. Pray for help and comfort. When you have no belief-system, you often lose hope with nowhere to turn. Sadly, that means you have to figure it out all on you own. If you do have a spiritual-belief, use it. God forgives all things, mistakes we make that other humans can't. Then sweetheart, try to forgive yourself.
You are very young, and you had a slip in judgement. You know you did something wrong; but in this case, your situation is much too fragile to drop this in the middle of it.
You really don't need this stress, and it wouldn't do either of you any good to bring this into the situation; to undo all of your progress up to this point. You should have known better, but hindsight is always 20/20. Regret comes too late, always after the mistake. Never is there consideration of the consequences before the deed; but remorse after we make a mess of things. Youthful recklessness.
Now you know better!
Find a counselor, minister, priest, imam, rabbi, or any one person you trust above anyone else in your life. If you need to get it off your chest; then let them help you. Confide in someone; so you don't have to blow-up an already delicate and shaky relationship. It's on the mend, and your guilt is enough punishment. You're sorry, but never ever be so reckless again!
Do not share this with your boyfriend; unless you know that this baby could possibly be another man's child.
You've made a mistake, and you should forgive yourself and make amends by being a wonderful mother, stay on track with your drug rehabilitation; and try to work things out in your relationship.
We all do things we regret, sometimes terrible things.
If nothing else is possible, be a fantastic mother.
God bless you, sweetheart!
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A
female
reader, CherryR07 +, writes (11 November 2018):
At the end of the day, cheating is cheating. Lying and covering ij up is going to make things worse. You are going to have to face the consequences. The only thing you can do is to explain and to show your boyfriend that it was truly a mistake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2018): Go back to your midwife and get your dates checked. From the sounds you could have been preganat when you had sex with this other guy . They can determine your gestation by the length of the baby femur. I'm medical . And though my circumstances were diff I was 37 weeks and didn't know I was preganat lazy baby haha she not now like .. and they were point on with the calculation.
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