A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was with S for 4 years when we spilt up. I met someone new, T, and after a few months I slept with him. I was taking the contraceptive pill. I slept with him once, I felt really bad after because I still loved my ex and I didn't see him again. Three weeks later, I bumped into my ex and we started seeing each other again. I found out I was pregnant and according to my dates, S was the father and a scan confirmed my dates. My ex and I remained on and off although he is very much in my childs life.I have since found out that although scans are very accurate, they can be as much as 3 weeks out and I started to worry. A home blood typing test showed that S isn't the father and I don't know how to tell him. My child is 8 now and I'm worried about the affect this will have. I can't believe I am in this position. Please help. Should I tell all immediately? Or wait til I get concrete evidence? I can take the fall out for me, but not for my baby or my ex. It will destroy them.
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male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (4 February 2007):
 I know of a married woman who had an affair and had a child, who she believes was fathered by the man she had an affair with. She never had a blood test. Fortunately, the father and her husband look enough alike that nobody would know. The child is now a teenager. She never told her husband nor her son about the affair, and the lover went on his marry way. It's her secret that I guess she will take to her grave.
I don't know if this was the best way of handling the situation, but it worked for her. You might consider keeping quiet for the benefit of all concerned.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your replies.
We've been on and off for about 13 years because we just don't seem to get on when we've been around each other alot. He doesn't know about T, he knows I went out with someone but he doesn't know for how long or any other details.
Since my little one was born, S has been out with a few girls, but I've not been interested in meeting anyone else. 8 years is a long time and I feel that maybe S and I would've had better lives if I had found out to start. I hate the idea that he could be happy with someone else and I ruined it with this mistake. I know that I could have too but it's my fault.
Your advice has been great.
xx
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (4 February 2007):
 Concrete evidence first. No need to wreck things if there's not a real problem. Hope it comes out the way you want!
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A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (4 February 2007):
 i'd wait for concrete evidence if i were you! Does S know about T? how long have u and S reunited for? why did u and s split up? And why are you guys on and off?
I'm sorry for all the questions, I don't think the truth will utterly destroy them, but I know you will all go through a rough patch if S really isn't the father. Since your relationship with him is on and off, it seems like he's there for your son more than for you. (I could be wrong, though) If S is a good man, he will be shocked and feel betrayed at first, but after 8 years of devotion to your son he might see him as his own. If he is a PROUD man, however, he might leave and never come back.
I think you already know these odds anyway.
My devil's advocate says that if you are all happy with this family arrangement, then why would you want to tell the truth? If it is hard enough to tell S, then telling your son is even HARDER. If you are strong enough to keep the secret from them, then keep it.
Perhaps you should define your relationship to S first before you make a decision to tell or not to tell.
If you choose to tell him, then choose a good time. Don't choose a romantic setting or a hectic one like a diner/greasy spoon. Choose a time when your son is out with friends, or maybe out with his grandparents for a long period of time/school holidays. Pick a neutral time, and then CALMLY tell S that there's something you guys have to discuss. Don't come out defensive, don't get angry when he gets angry. Stay calm. This isn't a conspiracy or even your fault.
Tell him that you still want him to be part of your lives, especially your son's since he looks up to him as a father. Then you have to be understanding about his anger, about his feeling of betrayal, don't lash out when he lashes out, but don't beg and say you're such wicked person, it's all my fault etc.
I think you're going to find yourself in a sticky spot when he asks WHY you suddenly suspected that your son wasn't his - and for how long you have suspected this. I can't think of any way you can tell him the truth and not come out as a scheming liar. But he does deserve the truth.
As for your son, telling him about his parentage really depends on whether S is willing to stick around or not. If S sticks around, then you both should decide together wheter you want your son to know. If S won't stay, then I can't see how important it is that your son knows about his parentage. Then it'll be like a divorce, and you'll have to deal with the repercussions like a normal divorced parent.
I wish you all the best.
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