A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,My older sister reccommended this site to me because I'm having difficulty deciding what I should do.I am 20 years old and the guy I am online dating is 19. We met on an internet chat room about 6 months ago. We talk online daily, have spoken through a messenger calling service, and have seen each other live on webcam. He wants to meet me sometime in November. I am fine with this, but I have a few concerns.We are both virgins and want to have sex while I am visiting. But he's said a few things that, quite frankly, scare me. He talks about wanting to 'be in control,' or 'wanting to take control of me,' while we have sex. He's also constantly talking about having anal, which I am not sure I want to try. He also calls me 'dirty bitch', and says things like 'good girl' when he's pleased with me. He knows I find both terms degrading, but continues.When he's not talking about sex he is a lovely person to talk to. It's almost like there are two sides to him. One side is funny, sweet, and caring. The other is dirty and a bit worrisome. I'll be the first to admit I am extremely naive when it comes to men, so I'm not sure if this is typical behavior or not. I have never had a boyfriend so I have nothing to compare it to. And while I do want to meet him, I am also concerned about my safety. Am I overreacting? Or do all men say things like this?-Totally Confused.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): Thx for the answers. =)
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 July 2010):
 Please don't meet him, let alone have sex with him. It sounds as if he has been watching too much porn and thinks those derogatory terms are ok for dating situations! He maybe sexually inexperienced, but it seems he may have sexual fantasies that are incompatible with your own. By accepting him addressing you in this way through your online contact you are encouraging him to act the same or worse if you meet him. It is ok to be naive about men at your age (most women learn by experience), but it is not ok to put up with bad abusive behaviour off someone out of ignorance. If you make contact with men off the internet then you can be sure that many will be odd-balls. They are men (and women) who struggle to find proper relationships in more traditional settings and therefore try to make contact through their keyboard. This is an excellent vehicle for deception. In many cases you can find it difficult to determine who is normal from abnormal over the net. It is only through face to face contact that the sincerity of a person can be identified and even then it can take time to figure someone out. In your case you have already been fortunate enough to identify this man as a bit weird and potentially dangerous. There is plenty of time for you to develop a relationship with someone, and to have a sexual relationship if you wish. I suggest you wait until you are in a relationship before thinking about having sex because you may just end up feeling used otherwise. You should definitely go with your instincts when it comes to dating - online or offline. Your instincts are telling you this situation is all wrong, and so are all the people giving you advice here...so run away before you get into trouble and don't settle for someone treating you badly in future. Learn to assert yourself to get the sort of relationship you want and not accept being abused by an oddball who is after one thing!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 July 2010):
 No,not all men say these things to a girl, particularly a girl they have never even kissed or met yet ! This guy us a wacko, and not for his sexual tastes to which he is fully entitled, but because he has already planned out the details of your sexual encounter without even knowing or caring if there will be any chemistry between you, if you two are compatible for a relationship,and what do you feel or think about his way of expressing his sexuality.
And no, what you want to do is not safe at all. You have an illusion of safety because you have been chatting for a while, but it's actually not safer than picking up a stranger in a bar and following him home without even knowinh his name.
I am also curious to know why you find certain things uncomfortable- his talking about anal sex, his "dominant " tendencies, his callling you " dirty bitch " and you don't just put a stop to that. Why don't you just say - hey buster, that's totally not my cup of tea, so cut it short cause I don't like that. There a fine line between being sweetly "naive" and recklessly irresponsible, and I am afraid you are dangerusly straddling it !
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 July 2010):
Hmm. I'll be honest, this sounds a bit unsafe. I mean, men and women will both say things once they've earned each other's trust and are further along in a relationship. But this guy hasn't met you, and to be saying all this even after 6 months could show that he's unstable. You don't want to put yourself in danger. I'm not sure whether you should meet him.
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