A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife told me one of her friends recently confided in her that she and her husband have been visiting swingers clubs over the past few months. It started off with her fantasies to have two men at once, but since then has escalated and both of them have become very promiscuous. The woman in particular has had multiple partners at once.My wife and I have always been curious about "the lifestyle". We had one experience with another couple who are friends of ours (not the same ones mentioned above), but this didn't go all the way. After this revelation from my wife's friend we've started talking about visiting a club ourselves, but I have some concerns.I'm not really worried about issues of jealousy as we're both secure in our relationship. What concerns me is the thought that my wife might be "taking one for the team", but having no direct personal experience of swinging, maybe I'm just drawing on the stereotype of women being coerced into it by pushy husbands. I get the idea that ladies would like being in an environment where they can explore their bisexuality, but am worried that being with multiple men like my wife's friend has may not be healthy for the psyche.Should we proceed or not?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): Hi guys, OP here.
My wife had had fantasies about going to clubs from before we were together, in fact it was she that introduced me to the idea, not the other way round. However, I do recognise that some fantasies are best left as just that, hence my caution.
To the poster who said she'll meet a younger, fitter guy who can satisfy her better, sorry but that is offensive and saying "no offence" beforehand doesn't make it less so. Looks do not a great lover make, and more to the point, you have no idea what I look like!
I've decided to not mention it again, and to avoid dropping any sort of hints. As I said I have concerns, and I think it's best left to her to bring up the subject (if she ever wants to). Thanks.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (18 June 2014):
 Unfortunately 'taking one for the team' is no stereotype. That's not to say all women who participate in this do that, but many have and when any kind of sharing goes awry it's generally the women who suffer most.If you want to be sure, let her take the lead. Inform her that you could take it or leave it and if she wants to proceed she can get things going. Then don't mention it again. No following up and no joking about it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 June 2014):
 Former swinger here. My last marriage was an open marriage from before we were married. IT was my choice not his. but he was thrilled to do it.
of course, in the long run his lack of self-esteem ruined it and he ended up lying and cheating anyway and he used it as a gateway to get out of the marriage.
my current marriage... WE DO NOT SHARE.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 June 2014):
Dear OP,
I once met a woman who was into swinging. She emotionally coerced me into having sex with her and her partner and didn't feel the least bit of remorse when I told her I felt she urged me to go beyond my boundaries. From then on (and due to some online research) I was getting the impression that swingers are mostly people in their mid-40s and 50s who are frustrated with all the things they think they have missed. And that they crowd themselves in ugly clubs and promote this as fun. If you need esthetical and intellectual stimulation in order to have sex, I don't think it's recommended becoming a swinger. But if your attitude towards sex is "all-you-can-eat", well, you'll probably find a buffet there.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 Not a good idea! Take it from one who tried it...IT DOES NOT work out worth a damn...Run away from the idea.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): I had a long term girlfriend. She wanted to try this and had the two men at the same time fantasy. She managed to settle all her swinging curiosities but could not manage her jealousy when it became time for me to settle mine. She is now my ex. I do not reccomrnd swinging.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 June 2014):
 I have yet to met anyone who's marriage got stronger or better by swinging.
We had some really good friends (didn't know about them swinging til we head about their upcoming divorce after 16 years of marriage) another couple was some old neighbors who did the swinging but it was really only so the husband could "guiltfree" cheat on his wife, again ended in a divorce - with 4 kids and 13 years together.
So my advice, don't do it. BUT if you ARE going to try it, have some crystal clear rules and both of you will follow.
Whether is bad for a woman's psyche to have multiple MALE partner I call bull shit. It's no more DAMAGING for a woman to have multiple female partner then male.
I think its WAY more damaging for the HUSBAND if the wife has multiple MALE partners. And WAY more damaging for the WIFE with the husband having multiple women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): Venturing outside of your marriage sexually is a sign that you're bored with your sex-partner. No matter how people dance around it. It's asking your mates permission to have sex with other people. It a game of Russian Roulette with your health.
Swinging is just the prelude and/or alternative to flat-out cheating. You just keep messing around until you find someone you like better than your spouse. Someone ends up jealous, or the other ends up cheating anyway.
Happy marriages are solid, and don't need bartering with the devil to keep the bedroom hot. People figure things out monogamously between themselves as a couple, and get creative. Simply put, all you need is love. Not a third or fourth wheel.
You can debate the issue until the the cows come home, and the moon turns purple. The end result is either someone picks up an STD, or trust is lost forever. Culminating in a nasty divorce; or cheating on the side in secret. You get tired of sharing! Sometimes the less willing or hesitant partner ends up having more fun than the one who came-up with the idea. Once you've crossed that line, there's no turning back. The scandals that come from it, flood through the community like a tidal-wave.
Some behaviors are better left to fantasy. The reality is not so good in the long-run.
Immediate gratification always satisfies the impulses and primal urges. Then when the reality of the deeds sets in, that's when the devil wants his take. The marriage goes to hell.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (17 June 2014):
 Normally swingers either have their marriage torn apart by it sooner or later OR survive it because they have a marriage which is based more on the physical than emotional.
Women usually find it hard not to develop feelings for someone the are having sex with regularly. You may well have a secure relationship NOW but what happens if you or your wife develops feelings for someone else? What if another guy is younger, has a better body and REALLY makes your wife scream in a way that, no disrespect, you cannot? What about the inevitable wondering on both parts as to whether one or both is enjoying it more with a stranger than each other? How do you the intimacy of love making with your wife when you are alone without it feeling more like an extension of your swinging lifestyle?
I used to know a couple who were swingers, they had one rule: "No use of the L word". Its not unknown for swingers to loose control and say something that causes problems, such as "i love you" for example.
Plus there is the Health issue. Having sex with lots of partners is a risky business, especially when a woman is having men inside her from all angles. Couples often get carried away and only when its gone too far do they realize that its quite a seedy, strange world they have entered with constant doubts, jealousies, health risks and so on.
I would advise against it. Fantasies are fine, but some things should be left in the imagination.
Mark
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 June 2014):
 Is there anything in your's and wifey's dating/courtship/ marriage that leads you to believe that this is a necessary - or desireable - undertaking?
The risks of this are well-known. What starts out as an innocent dalliance turns in to a basis for lots of angst and turmoil later..... and many marriages don't survive it. Sooooo, I pose this question: If'n you know that doing this (trying swinging) is rather risky... is it sufficiently tantalizing that you want to put your marriage at risk to try in?
Good luck, whatever you choose to do....
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 June 2014):
 No. And it might not only not be healthy for the psyche, it may also not be healthy for your marriage or your health.
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