A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I do not know how I have found myself in this situation...I met this woman at salsa and discovered we work for the same organization. She was kinda pretty and interesting, so I kept in touch with her. We had lunch at the park 5 days later, and then 2 days later we met again to play frisbee and badminton at another park.She was a bit flirtatious but not too direct either, she was staring at my eyes and lips most of the time, she was finding excuses in order for me to touch her (ie: "ouch, i hurt myself"). I then did some psychological test on her and she literally loved it. So, I can definitely tell she is interested.The problem is that this is not really going to work out. You see, I had forgotten my glasses at home the day I met her, so I thought she was my age. Turns out I missed the wrinkles and that she must be close to 40, while I will be just turning 30 next month, lol.Yes, feel free to call me a dumbass. I always do stupid things like that ;pFrom all the signals I got, I would say she is mostly interested in a relationship (with me? why not find a guy her age?). Cougars are usually more direct, so I don't think sex it what she's looking for.The one thing I am sure of is that I don't want to date her. All my friends tell me to just go for it and have sex with her (I have been single for 4 years and they say it's a good way to get back "on track"). The problem is that I don't feel comfortable pretending I like her and abusing her feelings.Could you please give me some objective advice? It's true that I am having trouble dating girls my age and this is a good opportunity, but I don't want to have a bad conscience either. I would rather stay without sex a bit longer than doing something that I might regret.Thanks in advance! :)
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 Don't ask her out anymore. If you see her at work or she contacts you, be friendly but make no advances. If she asks you directly, you can pretty much use the same excuses you would on any woman. You're just not interested, not ready, too busy, need to maintain a professional relationship, etc.
She didn't cause you to forget your glasses. Don't make it about age. It would be hurtful. Don't use her like your buddy said to, that would be cruel.
A
female
reader, lucy.whittaker +, writes (8 August 2013):
 You actually sound quite sweet. I suggest you wait it out and find someone you are interested in. It would be unfair to both you to peruse it any further. Just cool off with her, and find someone your own age to wiggle your salsa hips at :P
Lucy XxX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2013): I so don't agree with wise owl who said women with age tend to take more seriously when men hit on them. It's a complete opposite. We really don't care this much about any advances until we see it's not the ussual let's hook up sometimes thing. Men need to work a little harder when we get older, otherwise we don't mind staying alone, more fun this way.
You forget your glasses the first time, what about other times? Men also tend to think about women that they are older then they are, I witnessed it many times. But all ofit is irrelevant, because you obviously don't like her that way.
I too don't understand why IF it so, she would want to date a younger guy, who calls older women cougars (actually its not flattering, and quite offensive to some,mso be carefull)
Your friend's are assholes, frankly. To get back in a game? That's just not nice. She is a human being, and it's not nice to use another human being like that,it's actually heartless, but for your friends it's obviously
a norm of behavour.
As for your fears of offending her by not wanting to date her: may be you are overthinking the whole situation, may be she doesn't even want to date you, because for her it's somewhat embarrassing to date so much younger guy. She went on couple of hang out with you, so what. She is friendly, so what? it's also very easy to get rid of a woman, just don't invite her anywhere anymore. Not a big deal, don't overthink this whole thing.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 August 2013):
 My GAWD!!!!! She's FORTY!!!!???? What better example of someone who has "... one foot in (their) grave, and the other (foot) an a banana peel"!!!!!!! Lord knows, she may have just a few weeks left in her, anyway.... If so, then your "problem" goes away....
I suggest that you take her aside, next time you meet her, and be honest. Tell her, "When we first met, I thought you were kind of pretty, hot and enticing. BUT, I didn't have my glasses on, at the time, and failed to notice that you are about the oldest woman that I've ever seen. By the way, when it happened, was your then-boyfriend pressed in to service for the Civil War?????"
That should make things right for you and her....
Good luck...
Geeeeeesh....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 August 2013):
 What does this mean: “I then did some psychological test on her and she literally loved it.” Sounds to me like you are playing games here…testing the waters.
You then say “I forgot my glasses the day I met her” but you have been with her THREE TIMES. DID you forget your glasses all three times or is this just your excuse for saying “I’m not attracted to her in a dating sort of way.”?
I loathe the term cougar and I doubt she’s a cougar. Maybe she’s 36 and was rode hard and put away wet a few times.. who knows… her age is not the issue at all here. And I doubt it’s the “wrinkles” Heck I’m 53 to my husband’s 40 and folks don’t even really notice till I point it out (mentioning my 29 yr old son tends to raise eyebrows big time)
The true issue is that you are not attracted to her and she is attracted to you. What would you do if she was 28 and you were not attracted to her? Why not do the same thing now? WHAT is is about her AGE that makes this different?
You are wise to not want to use and mistreat someone. If you are not attracted to her then there is no point in pretending… and to be honest this is a no brainer… age is not the issue at all and do not make it the issue. There is no attraction. IF she asks you out you can say to her “I like you as a friend but there’s nothing else there.” NO harm no foul no problem.
Your friends sound like morons advising you to USE and ABUSE a vulnerable (because she likes you) woman.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (6 August 2013):
 You need to be straightforward with her and tell her you can't see your relationship going any further than just friendship.
Do not use her for sex. That's not nice.
Treat people how you would wish to be treated :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): Come on!!! you managed to play frizbee and badminton in the park yet you couldn't see her properly
So she's got a few wrinkles so will you one day,or are you that perfect you think you will never get wrinkles,you sound like a very shallow person to me, one should never judge a book by it's cover, not all beautiful girls are the nicest girls to know,beauty is more than just looks.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): Cool out and treat her like a friend to let her down easy. You do not want drama at work. She will eventually lose interest. PS get contacts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): just tell her that you're not ready for a relationship or any sort. didn't you say you both work in the same organization? that's a handy excuse, you can say you don't want to date anyone from the workplace as it could lead to workplace issues (which is true).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): Older-women tend to take any man's advances quite seriously.
Most are over the game-playing stage of their lives.
It is an embarrassment for them to let down their guard; when they know he is much younger. It is an affront to her dignity to just dismiss her; because you had a few and she she looked better in dimmer light.
Rubbish with you forgot your glasses nonsense. Did you get that excuse from some vintage Benny Hill re-run?
So, it would save-face and keep her dignity in tact; if you would simply tell her you've decided that you wouldn't want to push things any further for "professional" reasons.
However; you would like to maintain a friendly collaboration as colleagues.
She will see through you entirely; but she will appreciate the courtesy. For one thing, it would be appropriate; and might protect your job.
It would be more honest to say "I'm a dick, and I had a few tequila shots and didn't realize you're a wrinkled old hag."
That would only justify her kicking you square in the balls.
There is a delicate way to handle it. I'd suggest that you do that.
You forgot your glasses!?
Seriously!?
You'd better be a Prince Harry lookalike!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 August 2013):
 If you don't want to date her, don't ask her out, don't spend time with her and don't accept date offers from her if she asks. Pretty simple. She'll get the message that you aren't interested in about 2 weeks if you just stop responding to any contact.
If she presses you for an explanation just say honestly that you don't feel she's the one for you but that you wish her well.
You are over-thinking the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013):
It's never easy to back off and not hurt someone feelings.. But I'm wondering how you managed to catch a frisbee and do the things you did with her ' if you couldn't see' . I mean catching a moving object takes great eye contact ..Hand-eye coordination uses the eyes to direct attention and the hands to execute a task.
So how come you didn't notice her wrinkles.. I mean there musta been times you two were pretty close? Or
Could it be that your friends have seen her, teased you and your now running for the hills.. I'm nearly 40 ( no wrinkles or bags haha) and my nieces male friends think I'm their age late 20's. and I'm always upfront and say I wish haha ( and I'm married) or if only ..
Not every 40 ish person is a cougar, I mean come on!!
We don't have a description of you. ? Maybe your new female friend thinks your older? Some men age quicker .. Could this be you ..
I think your a nice enough bloke, don't get me wrong I just feel your perception of people a little off.
I think your going to have to let her down gently.. Say it would be nice to remain friends but your not looking for a relationship just yet..
I don't believe ( sorry) you didn't notice the wrinkles lol lol I think for whatever reason you got cold feet.. But here's a true English idiom ' never judge a book by its cover' ..
So if you are interested then forget your friends..
Hope this helps.. Let us know how it goes.
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A
male
reader, Eng_vice  +, writes (5 August 2013):
What is wrong with the truth in this situation? Tell her you want to date with fun but do not feel you want this as a long term relationship? Maybe she just wants some fun too.
The risk you take in following that is you might end up with one of you wanting more from it and someone will be burned.
Of course if you simply don't want to date her, then don't. Women are extremely coy in detecting if a man is really interested and she will read you like a book if you display a lack of interest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 August 2013):
 So you are still GUESSING about her age.
If you like her as a person and want to get to know her, then by all means ask her out. If you just want to use her as some kind of "village bicycle" because you have had a dry spell you need to check yourself. Unless of course she is looking for casual sex too.
Don't fake interest in a relationship if that is NOT what you want.
Either you want her or you want to use her. Make up your mind.
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