A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have fallen in love with a married man. He has not divorced her.Our relationship has been 3 yrs. I want to end the relationship but things keep getting better between us.She was in an accident last year and still in recovery. I am unsure if he is really going to leave her, or just keep me holding on to hopelessness.
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male
reader, hardnut +, writes (7 March 2013):
beyond him leaving her, its what you get after. I doubt he will leave her. having 3 years with you, means you are easy to string along. You will never be more than his side woman.
Now he breaks it off with her, he might date you. Will always be another. If you honestly knew, there are others he is telling the same thing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): Yes he may leave his wife for you (read lots of sad stories from such wives here on DC whose husbands cheated and ran off with another woman.) But its really a case by case basis and what determines the outcome is not what does he gain from being with you full time but what does he LOSE by leaving his wife and the life centered around that marriage. People are more driven by loss aversion than by the promise of potential gains. If he feels the losses from divorcing are bearable then he will leave her for you. If he feels unable to cope with those losses (like not seeing his kids every day) then he will choose to stay because the loss of YOU would be more tolerable to him and the lesser of two evils than the loss of whatever else is attached to the marriage. Of course, you might also ironically be helping him to stay in his marriage by making his life more enjoyable and filling in the missing pieces he was seeking, without him having to give up anything. And as with any relationship even those that are not done in secret, he also might not feel any need to have you full time. He may very well feel that only occasionally seeing and sleeping with you (I.e. being friends with benefits) fulfills his needs just fine.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Statistically speaking, no, it's not very likely to happen, just a small minority of married man end up leaving their wives for their mistresses.
Of course your married man could belong to this minority, but I don't think he does. Seen the recurrent pattern of " something always happening ". Guess what, life is a series of something always happening, if before making X happen you have to wait that X, Y, Z are perfectly in place, and all your ducks are in a row from first to last,... that magic moment may eleude you for 30 years ,or never come at all.
First the kids are too young to bear their parents' divorce, then teenage years are too delicate , then grown up kids would be too shocked and critical... and at some point you have the grandchildren who would be too young for grandpa's divorce !
Or, case in point, the accident. This woman will recover, hopefully ,from her accident, and then ?... Then she'll go through menopause, she'll be " too vulnerable " to be abandoned. Or, she'll get depressed with empty nest syndrome. Or , or, or... the excuses, or even good reasons, according to different viewpoints, will never lack.
The truth is that when people want something real badly, they go after it, no matter the casualties. It does not sound like your lover wants you badly enough to upturn all his life for you, in fact he 's probably very fine with the way things are, stringing along two women , never having to choose, and getting the best of both worlds.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): As with most married men who cheat on their wives he is far too cowardly to ever leave his marriage. Ending a marriage means a loss of security and a loss of money and a loss of social status. Cowardly men want to hold onto these. If they weren't so cowardly they would have left the marriage long ago already and would have been single when you met them. By definition, men who are married and having affairs are cowards and as such they will continue to avoid the discomfort of a divorce as long as possible. Usually their marriages only end if the wife finds out and divorces him but if she finds out yet still clings to him then you can bet that's how it will always be.
Either accept and learn to be ok with only ever being his mistress or leave him for good. You can have fun with him but do not invest yourself emotionally into him. Stop sharing anything of yourself with him and express no interest in his thouhts and feelings. Let him know you are a free agent since he wont commit to you therefore you are not in any committed relationship and are free to date other men and will squeeze him into your schedule whenever you can. Just be pleasant company when with him but no emotions anymore, ok? Then you will have the upper hand over him (men cannot separate feelings and sex it seems whereas women can) and that will even out the power imbalance and make him uncomfortable. Discomfort is what drives people to make hard decisions they rather would avoid. Such as leaving a marriage. If you cannot do this then you should cut off all ties with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): No married man who is cheating on his wife will voluntarily leave her for the other woman, the sacrifices are too great because the rewards aren't worth it.
Besides, if your backstreet lover leaves his wife then he will no longer be able to string you along as his piece on the side.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 March 2013):
He will not leave her.
Proceed accordingly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 March 2013):
 I seriously doubt he will leave her, accident or no accident.
He has been quite happy with his wife and you on the side.
Aside from the moral aspect, WHY are you settling for sloppy seconds and not a man who WANTS to be with you and you only?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): I walked away from a two timer almost three months ago. At the time it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And I thought I could not do it. Well, I did it. And here I am three months later, happy and free of all the emotional pain I was going through. The choice to walk away was the best thing I ever did. Yes it was tough and there were many dark days BUT I did it. You can, too. Trust me, you will thank yourself for it in the long run. Life can be so wonderful when it is drama free!! Set yourself free to find someone who is available to love you and make you number one in his life. You deserve that, don't you? If you keep picking at the scraps that this MM is offering you, you will never make yourself available for Mr. Right... Yes, he is out there... Best to you...
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 You sound happy that she was in an accident... I don't see him leaving her for you!! It hardly ever happens. You're just a source of excitement as his relationship seems to currently be in a rut.
But honestly, can you really trust someone who is unfaithful to his spouse to commit to you?? Let's assume that he does leave her and settles in with you, what's to stop him from dogging on you when your relationship high starts to fizzle out?
He probably makes you feel great when you are with him but try a bit of logic. What do you expect to happen if his marriage begins to get back on track?
However, if you decide that you want to see where things will end despite possible bad outcomes, I say go with the flow, but take care.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (3 March 2013):
How much longer are you going to have to wait before the penny drops? He isn’t going to leave her: either he wants to have both of you, or he’s waiting for a “right time” to tell her, which is never going to exist. When is it good to leave some-one? Incidentally, is a cheat who can do this to one person, going to make you happy, or won’t you always be looking over your shoulder because you know exactly what he’s capable of? End it altogether. You’ve fallen for an idealised version of this man you’ve created within yourself, not the lying, cheating reality.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Okay, so since the accident he has been taking care of her, and to leave her now will just make him look like a bigger arsehat than he already is? I get that, but what stopped him leaving her for the two years prior?
How long do you plan waiting for this man? Another year? Two years or maybe another three years? What if he never leaves her, are you ready for that? Are you happy with the thought you might always end up being the bit on the side and never the legal wife. What if he dies before he leaves her? No funeral or tender last goodbyes for you, you are just the woman he cheated on his wife with.
Your age is stated as between 41 and 50, you are still young enough to start again, but you wont always be .... I suggest you sit down and work out exactly what you are prepared to accept from this relationship, put it to your married man, and he can't deliver the goods within a reasonable time frame give him the old heave ho!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (3 March 2013):
 You need to get out. 99% of the time they don't leave their spouse for the person they are cheating with (men and women).
He will keep you hanging as long as he can, but he'll likely never leave his wife. It's best for you to end this now and not get involved with people in a relationship in the future.
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