A
male
age
41-50,
*unkey421e
writes:My wife and I have been married for 3 years and been together for 6. We are very happy and close and I couldn't ask for a better partner! Sometime before we met her mother was diagnosed with a rare cancer and given a very brief life expectancy, however upon second analysis another doctor was able to treat and remove the cancer and she has been in remission for many years since. As the years have passed however the side effects of the procedure have started to take their toll both physically and mentally, causing my wife a great deal of stress. We have discussed it and it is becoming more and more apparent that my wife will need to begin taking care of her sooner rather than later. She brought the subject up again the other night and expressed to me that she feels terrible for how our lives are going to change and how when she does begin her care full time that we will have to move in with her and she won't have much time for me. I like to have my own space and she has informed me that because of that I'd basically be stuck in my room a majority of the time. She said for her to still want me around would be selfish on her and she doesn't want me to have to sacrifice my life to take care of her mother. She told me she would understand if I didn't want to continue to be with her and that if I was going to leave that she would rather I did it before her mother gets any worse so that her other doesn't think I left on her account. I think the part that hurt the most was to hear my wife say that " if she had known that her mother was going to get this bad she never would have married me". She says because I'm 31 I have my whole life ahead of me and she wants me to be able to life my life to the fullest and find someone else who will love me and not waste what time I have with her stuck in a room at her mothers. I understand that she doesn't want to put me through this but what if that's what I want? Should I be worried about my own well being like she said and leave her or should I weather this and see it through the way I believe a husband should? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (20 May 2014):
 I dont know what road you intend to take, but if it was me making this choice... I would reevaluated the issue about just being in the room and what not that part just sound silly or off a alot. Why dont you have your own place and she and her mom have there own place that way from time to time she could get away to you from time to time to relieve stress. I have been in the car giving business of babies and children. I thank my mom for that and ex husband we have two lovely daughter. But I have been told Im not built for elderly care taking or what not but I want to live the rest of my life everybody else live theres I didnt sign up to be a nurse to older mates and parents but thats me. When I get old Im going to turn myself in to the nursing home for proper care. I dont want to be a burden to anyone in my seniors years. Personally my mates and parents are the same age I should be there a part of there retirement plan but I have a life to also live and grow old in. But if you want to help and stick it out thats being a good mate I would say.
A
male
reader, unclezak  +, writes (16 May 2014):
What was your reaction when she told you all this?
Tell her your feelings on the situation and go frmo there. My wife became a full time carer for her mum when she was diagnosed with cancer and life came to a standstill in many respects. It was very tough on her and our kids. I wouldn't have had it any other way though. She may well have been looking for an out, but she may well have been looking to gauge if you're fully committed or not also
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2014): I think your wife is really feeling the 'weight' of her upcoming duty and, in facing it, she is trying to tell you that she can't cope and needs your help. It's actually an ultimatum in disguise - step up or get out. Its a sign she's uncertain about her own abiity to cope and yours, so the easiest way is to either rule your feelings in or out once and for all.It oddly reminds me of when my parents were expecting my younger sister, 10 years younger than me, and they said to me "you won't get jealous will you"? They were in fact AWFUL parents and I realise now that this gesture of care towards me was in fact a total negation of my feelings - and my elder sister's- at the time. They literally stopped being parents to us after my sister was born and their marriage was just a horrible, screaming mess. It was their way of saying "we have a shit marriage and can't work as a team, so when your sister is born, don't even expect us to behave anything like normal parents because we are idiots and we can't look after you". And they were. So the "you won't get jealous will you?" was not at all the sign of care that it seemed to be. It was a "we can't cope".Your wife is going into 'close down' mode because she is frightened and actually weak under all of this strength. She's talking to you like a parent would talk to a child. She shouldn't even have to do this if your marriage is strong.It\s strange that she even has to talk to you in this way - as if she is sensing her own weaknesses and the weaknesses in your marriage. It's as if she is doing this in the absence of feeling really loved and cared for and guided by you. She shouldn't have had to say it. It's a sign that at an unconscious level she doesn't feel protected by you. She's started to cut off from her own feelings - which are that she needs you and she's scared and if you don't reach out to her now I think she will cut off even more.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (15 May 2014):
I disagree with other posters here. She is, because she loves you, recognising that this event will place heavy demands on her and she is giving you the chance to consider yourself. She quite obviously is concerned for you. You need to think about what you want. What you may need in future if your own parents, or indeed you yourself would become ill. This is life. It is full of trials and turmoil. She needs to look after her mother and feels that she cannot do otherwise. You might tell her that you love her no matter what and will be with her during this difficult time. Or, you may decide that you don't want to and leave. She is giving you the choice. However, you could both do with discussing all of the options for her Mum with a professional. There will come a time when neither of you is qualified to care or someone who is very poorly. Living at your one may only be an option for so long and you need to understand much more about the condition and what is happening.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (15 May 2014):
 I understand how you may be hurt and feel she is pushing you away and doesn't love you.. on the contrary, if she doesn't love you so much, she wouldn't have said what she said.She wants you to go live your life and have a better future, even if it means she won't be in it. She doesn't want to burden you or hold you back.If you feel that you will be able to stick by her side through thick or thin then please tell her so... show her how much you love her too. It will give her strength to know that you'll be by her side.Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 May 2014):
 It doesn't sound as if your wife wants to be without you. Contrary. I think she loves you enough to look out for your well-being. She feels bad because she feels like she's burdening you.
You need to sit down with her and remind her that you made vows to stick with her through thick and thin. This is just one of those thick times (or thin?). Remind her that she's the love of your life and that there's not anything you would leave her over, and that you will happily move into that house with her and be there while she takes care of her mother. And that her mother is family to you, and you will do all you can to support her and her mother. Basically, aleviate the guilt she's currently feeling.
It just sounds as if your wife needs reassurance that she's not ruining your life by caring for her mother. In no way does it sound as if she wants you to leave. She's just being selfless by opening that option to you because she loves you enough to do that.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014): What is the point of getting married if indeed you do not even try to support each other and lean on each other.
Your wife's suggestion is insane.
Maybe she feels guilty. But it's no one's fault and reassure her that if the shoe was on the other foot, she'd be there for you so she should let you be there for her too.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (15 May 2014):
 Hi Munkey,
I have to say from reading your post, that your wife is looking for a way out of the relationship. I would just ask her if she want's to end the relationship?
That way you can gauge what she is saying and get a better feel for the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014): I remember when my mother became so sick, she was in hospital and I told my husband if my mother was discharged she would be moving in with us ( we had one child then ) if he wanted to leave I would have understood.. As at that time I couldn't cope with his demands my focus was my mother .. I loved her and still do so very much .. My mother never did come out but she was happy that I wanted her home with us .. I think your wife is trying to prepare you and is probably terrified at the prospect of losing her mother, this will put a strain on your relationship, your wife will often be exhausted and not want to be sexual intimate . She also wants you reassure her this isn't the case, you will be there, you do love her above all else and you will support her and her mother .. Take care and god bless. X
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (15 May 2014):
It sounds to me like she expects you are going to leave her because of this and she wants to sort it out now rather than have you leave her later down the line. You say you like your own space, but do you mean all the time? I like a bit of time to myself too but it doesn't mean I'll stay in my room when people visit. Why do you say this will mean you're stuck in your room all the time? How much support have you given your wife so far, in terms of helping her with her mother?I agree that as her husband you should stay with her and support her through it, but by that I mean REALLY support her. Share the burden with her and help out with her Mother's care wherever possible, rather than hiding in your bedroom until it's all over. As you get older, you'll see more people you know facing situations like this so even if you do leave her for someone else, you will likely encounter it again at some point in the future.I think your wife is trying to find out if you're up to the task of supporting her through this. The answer to that is entirely up to you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 May 2014):
 IF you think you should stay with her as a good supportive spouse then you tell your wife "I married you for better or worse and I'm staying" her reaction will tell you what your next step would be.
it sounds to me like she may want out of the marriage and is using the caring for her mother as an excuse to end it.
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