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Wife rejects my advances then uses a vibrator instead?!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 April 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2010)
A male Canada age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I'm 50 and my wife is 48 and we have 2 children in their late teens. Our sex life has never been spectacular. My sex drive has always been much stronger than hers and looking back, I would assume that many married couples have had a much more active sex life than we've had.

We do have sex, maybe once or twice a month- usually if I push the issue- but I've discovered that my wife has started to use her vibrator a lot over the past month or two. She keeps it in her bedside locker and it's in a different position every day. Up to recently, she rarely, if ever, used it. She replaced the battery in it last week. I feel like a spy and am not proud of myself for constantly checking (some of you won't like me for that but please don't moralise about it-thanks) but I can't help myself.

She uses it at least once every day at present, and often uses it twice-morning and night. Two nights ago we had great sex, great orgasms etc. The following morning, I made advances in bed to have sex again before we got up but she wasn't interested. I got up and got breakfast ready, etc. but she used the vibrator again before she got up.

I can't discuss the subject with her as she'd completely freak out if she knew I'd been keeping tabs on her. Can anyone suggest what's going on? Might something have happened or changed to cause her to use it so much? The whole thing is getting me down a bit, I have to say.

Thank you all in advance.

View related questions: orgasm, sex drive, sex life, vibrator

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010):

Back again. O.P. here. Thanks you all for you thoughts and for not judging me, etc.

I need to get something out of the way, straight away. We normally never think about having morning sex. This was purely a one off, totally out of nowhere, thing.

The 3 of you give good advice.Thank you all. We have used the vibrator together on many occasions. She has 2 and I bought them both for her. I don't know if she ever would have bought one herself. I think that sometimes she used to like me to think that she was a little prudish. (She's Catholic).

We have discussed masturbation in the past and she has freely admitted to using the vibrator and said it's a bit like scratching an itch. Just an instant fix. I guess that my issue here is that she'd like me to think that she has only a passing interest in it, whereas, at the moment, she seems to be using it constantly but yet she's giving me the "Oh, I'm not overly interested in sex" vibe.

Does any of you think that it's an age thing? Is there any possibility that there's someone else?

Despite reading all you've said, I feel that I'm only of use to her when she needs the intimacy bit but otherwise, I'm not going to be part of the plan.

Have to say, I'm feeling insecure.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010):

I agree with FierceBadRabbit, go shopping and pick some toys together, try, mutual masturbation, bring the toy as part of foreplay, toys don't need to be something she does on her own.

Have fun.

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A female reader, cnith United States +, writes (21 April 2010):

cnith agony auntyou know, I just want to add something to fiercebadrabbit's post (great name btw!) and that is, the human hand, male or female can NEVER compare to a vibrator. It goes like a million miles an hour in five seconds. You can reach orgasm in half the time and keep going, if you know what I mean.

Does that mean she doesnt want you? No. Does it mean you're doing it wrong? No. That shes' replaced you? Not necessarily. It means you can get more for your buck than with sex with someone else.

The vibrator, however, cannot give you intimacy or massages or back rubs or hugs or kisses... so it, by itself, is a flat instrument. Meaning it's only great for orgasms, not real sex. If you take sex to equal intimacy.

What does that mean to/for you? It means quit taking it personally. It's not like she's rejecting you for it, exactly. It's that maybe you don't measure up to the orgasms the vibe gives her. Not because of you, but because you're not a machine that can buzz that fast on her body. It's not your fault. Don't blame her for liking it.

Think of it this way. Watching the game on TV is exciting, but isn't it better to watch it AT the stadium? did you replace your tv? no. it's just better. No one's at fault.

Here's a suggestion. Ask her (if you can) if you can use the thing on her. Tell her, hey, you know that vibe you have been keeping in the drawer? It's been a while since you used it (techincally not a lie, it has been a while... how long, is irrelevant) so I was thinking we could use it together. I heard somewhere (read somewhere, looked somewhere, whatever) that using a vibe on a woman can feel real good and since all I want to do is please you, I thought we should try it.

Then, suppose she goes for it. You use it with her direction, ie. put it here, there, everywhere... and once she's had her great orgasm maybe she'll let you in to finish, no doubt by then you'll be hella turned on anyway. Then you get yours, she's got hers, both happy snoring people. :)

As for morning sex? I love it, but I don't care what I look like... I'm not typical of a woman though. Most women go in their heads going, omg does this jiggle, it's daylight, he'll see my saggy boobs, my rolls, my unmade face, my hair, blah blah blah and that's just not sexy. doesn't matter what you say, you love her anyway I'm sure, but in her head she's a dog. Not sexy.

I say try the vibe (who btw has the benefit of NOT caring what she looks like simply because it has no feelings and cant see) in the AM. Get morning sex that way. Who knows, the possibilities are endless. Only limited by your creativity. :)

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