A
male
age
,
*czinger
writes:My WS wife took a job as a restaurant manager in March of 2016. It was a new establishment and very high end. Business is very good to this day.I had a regular 9-5, and she had been looking for something more fulfilling and better pay for quite some time. We were married after an 8-year engagement later in September of 2016. She worked late nights, and I worked days.We loved each other dearly and valued the times we were both off together, usually late, late weekend nights and the two evenings a week she would be off when I got home at 5.30 PM.I am 57, and she is ten years younger, both in good shape. Her kids are grown and out of the house as is my one daughter. This is the second marriage for both of us. In September of 2017, shortly after our 1 year anniversary, she seemed to act a little different. Just my gut talking.She would work most Friday and Saturday nights till the restaurant closed at 12 and count money. It seemed to be taking a little longer, however. I felt compelled to track her with an iPad for three weeks. I did this for about three weeks and discovered nothing. I felt terrible that I would even suspect anything. We got along great, never argued and had a wonderful sex life. I decided to remove the iPad the next day. The next morning, when she was off work, she texted me she was running to the store and asked if there was anything I needed. I said no. 20 minutes later iCloud showed she was at a park at 9 am about a mile from the restaurant she worked. I jumped in my car and went to the location and found her truck and her general managers, AP, truck parked nose to nose. I walked up to his truck where both of them were “talking inside” and knocked.She was very quiet as she stepped out. I said “so this is what it feels like” and drove away. My next actions show how a person’s mind can hear and think what it wants and how the WS can prey on those emotions of the BS that dearly loves them. She told me later at home that he had been chewed out by the owner regarding the restaurant’s financial numbers and needed to talk. She apologized for lying about where she was.Because of her impeccable past with me I tended to believe her. I wanted to believe her. Two months later as I returned home at the end of the day and after she had acted perfectly normal, she suddenly said she was not “in love with me anymore” and was going to move out. She started blaming me saying things like "I was too old and my friends were too old and she wanted a more exciting life with younger people" That I had all of her pet peeves and she wanted to travel more and go to concerts and blah, blah blah... I'm sure he has promised her travel and going out more, and she thinks the grass is greener.She had gotten her tax check that day and had the funds to move out. She told me she didn't want anything from the marriage. It became a business at that point so I filed immediately, no kids, and uncontested by her, the divorce was final in 10 days. She moved out within a week. The OM wife got in touch and asked if I thought there was something going on between the two of them. I had not shared the meeting in the park with anyone to that point, but I felt impelled to share it with her. She had been tracking his emails and texts. Now, the AP is spending time at her new apartment while the APs wife confronted him with all the emails and texts. He asked for a separation, but his wife went ahead and filed for divorce, not what he wanted. His wife and I have compared notes and everything jives. Both marriages have now ended in divorce and I've chosen not to receive any updates about them form his wife. So far as I know, it is still a secret at their work. I have gone no contact since she moved out. She has emailed me a couple of times needed some little things she left behind. I did not respond, simply mailed them to her.The two of them continue to deny having a "relationship" before the divorce, even though they both know they were tracked and the body of evidence his wife and I have amassed. None of this should matter to me since I’m single again, but still going through the grieving process.I want her to know that I am aware of all her lying and cheating to give me some closure. I can’t begin to think this will last for them since he has an 11-year-old daughter and his wife has not worked for seven years.With all that she has done, I still love who she was and miss her dearly. I could never take her back if this fails for her. I hope I couldn't.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018): Resentment is part of your healing process. It's human nature to demand some sort of restitution or justice when we feel wronged; but the upside of this is that your resentment will dilute some of that yearning and craving you feel to get her back. That's how our subconscious reconciles our mindset with the reality of our loss, or a futile situation. We eventually come to terms with things; and we start to heal and get-over that person.
I do warn you not to go out of your way to try and turn people against her; or recruit an opposition-team to help you reign all your feelings of contempt on your ex. It's just nasty and shows how low you'd stoop. It won't change a thing. I warned you in my first post you would feel this way.
I'm sorry my friend; but as much as she may have hurt you, wishing her friends to reject her and abandon her is just to soothe your own pain. You can allow that animosity and vengeful-spirit to overtake you; or you can man-up and deal with things as they are. It is what it is.
You can feel sorry for yourself and sink deep into bitterness; or you can just come to grips with your situation. Start working on reclaiming some normalcy and finding peace. I recommend you direct all your energies to getting-on with your life. So far, what has obsessing over her benefited you? You must move forward.
A
male
reader, sczinger +, writes (21 June 2018):
sczinger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnly now, after 5 months, is she starting to reach out to her friends to make up with them. It infuriates me. It’s like she is winning and I am losing. I know at some point a few of them will welcome her back. I didn’t have the affair. I’m the one that has experienced the pain and grieving and they are going to accept her back, especially her girlfriends that know what she did to me. That just kills me.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (10 June 2018):
 OP is using abbreviations commonly seen on support sites for infidelity, where these words recur so often it's easier not to type them out each time.
WS = wayward spouse
BS = betrayed spouse
AP = affair partner
OM = other man
OP, I am very sorry to hear you have been hurt like this.
You say that you want your ex-wife to know that you're aware of her cheating for the sake of closure. I promise you she knows, or she wouldn't be going out of her way to craft the narrative that she has about not getting involved with this man until after their respective divorces. You caught them together and her lying to you, for goodness' sake. Rest assured she knows her lies didn't fool you. She may be trying to save face in front of her friends and family members because the timing is so obviously questionable, but she can't possibly believe you aren't aware she cheated.
I understand that the grieving process will (and should) take time, and it can't be rushed, but from the outside looking in it is clear you dodged a bullet with her. Some people just aren't cut out to be faithful or set good boundaries in their relationships, and it seems your ex is one of them. Far better to find that out after a year of marriage and a clean divorce than after, say, ten years of marriage and a great deal of mutual assets to lose out on in the process.
I think you are right to avoid further updates from the other man's wife on what the new couple is doing. Your ex doesn't deserve any more of your time or focus, and as long as you are thinking about her and what she may be up to you are not doing the healing you need to move forward from this.
Wishing you all the best for brighter things in the future!
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A
female
reader, litf +, writes (9 June 2018):
I would highly recommend you get a good therapist. Even with a "normal' divorce it is very common to be still in love when the divorce has to occur. It happened to me. I tried my hardest but my ex is an alcoholic who did not believe in therapy or treatment. He thought he'd try on his own but to be honest he needed medical help.
It sounds like your wife is not regretting the relationship and some people right around the age she is at decides to take the deep dive into a mid life crisis. They enjoy that added attention for whatever reason.
I agree with the other posters you might not get closure. She might never say I am sorry or take responsibility for her actions. I really did not receive closure but now after 4 years I have been able to sit next to my ex and talk casually without being stressed when I need to do it for things that our daughter is involved in. I guess that is my closure.
With a therapist you can go through the steps that maybe you didn't even finish from your first marriage. Many times there are unresolved that pop up at the weirdest times. Try to keep discussions with her to a minimum. Like my therapist told me it really isn't necessary. It will take time not to feel the pull back to her but it will eventually happen.
A suggestion is to go the site Meetup. It is not a single meetup site it is an interest meetup. They have everything from knitting to hiking groups. Keep busy, eat well and exercise . I told a friend of mine whose husband cheated(he was a friend of mine too). To eat, sleep and exercise and especially eat well during that time period. Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2018): Can you please explain what all those initials mean.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (8 June 2018):
 Sorry, I have no idea what all the initials in your post stand for so, if they mean anything which changes the meaning of your post significantly and which I have missed, apologies in advance.
The saying goes that "you don't know someone until you have lived with them". I disagree. I have maintained for a long time, based on bitter experience, that you don't really know someone until your relationship ends. THAT is when they will show their true colours. Things you would have staked your life on them never doing or saying while you were together suddenly happen and you realize you don't know this person at all.
You're unlikely to get closure from her in the form you want. Even if you did, I doubt it would make you feel any better. You already KNOW the truth. It stinks and you didn't deserve it, but shit happens to nice people.
They got together by cheating on both their partners. How much trust do you think there will be in the relationship? Leave them to it and let them drive each other crazy.
You got off lightly financially (probably because she felt guilty), so hang onto that positive. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow friends to help cheer you up. One day you will realize that you are starting to get over her. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2018): I'm sorry for your very unfortunate ordeal. It's an experience you hear about, read about, or witness happening to somebody else; but when it hits home, words can't describe how bad it feels to go through it.
Grief and loss are emotions we simply have to ride-out. You can only distract your thoughts by keeping yourself busy doing things that bring you comfort and pleasure. If you have faith; now is a good time to visit your place of worship, if you haven't been there in awhile. Talk to your religious-leader for some counseling, inspiration, comfort, and prayer.
It also helps to just clear your head, and stop dwelling on things; because we men tend to internalize, and hold so much pain inside. We try not to let our emotions overcome us, or don't want to look weak. In solitude, you have to allow your emotions to flow. You have to purge yourself of the pain; before it turns into bitterness and anger. You have to decide to forgive her, and move on.
" I could never take her back if this fails for her. I hope I couldn't."
You are in a fluctuating emotional-state. All sorts of nonsense is going to go through your mind.
Now is not the time to contemplate taking her back; or over-thinking all the ifs or whys, and how things came to be. That only fuels anger and resentment; or you will find yourself scheming to take her back. Only because your ego wants to prove you can get her back. While at the same-time, a lot of bottled-up unresolved resentment is boiling beneath the surface. It may not be apparent to you, but it's there.
There beneath the surface, lies the potential danger of a sudden change of heart; that will want to punish her for her betrayal and the suffering she caused you. Your ego will lash-out demanding vengeance for the humiliation and emasculation. These emotions are natural, they will pass; but they can fool you. Only time heals such wounds.
First things first. Work on forgiveness for your own soul's sake; and to find your peace.
Don't dream-up some rescue-plan; and go make some noble Hollywood-move that works in the movies; but causes a shit-storm in reality. She left of her own free-will. You wouldn't be saving her from anything, or anyone.
Just recall the reasons she gave regarding why she left you. That's enough. She's too old not to know what she was doing. We might be impetuous in our 20's; we know exactly what we're doing over 40!
I'm simply warning you. The vengeful-heart comes out of nowhere; and the suffering you went through sometimes demands retaliation. You will limit your trust; and set a lot of difficult conditions for her to meet. The end results are usually disastrous. Few couples succeed. Every-time she looks at another man, you'll wonder what's going on in her head.
Sir, I've seen far too many divorced-people thinking they can reconcile without complications; but it doesn't workout exactly as planned. When you are betrayed, and trust is lost. As in your case; your spouse leaves you for someone else. You may forgive them to an extent; because the heart misses them for old-time's sake. Only, you don't completely forget.
There is a powerful urge within us to reclaim what is lost. We just have to be sure that we are fully satisfied
and feel compensated once we get it back. The point is to feel whole; and able to move forward without looking back.
I think your first priority at the moment is detaching and letting go.
Forgiveness has to be 100%, and you can't let distrust and animosity about the past return after you've invited them back. They are under the understanding you've moved past your pain; and forgiveness is complete and unconditional.
In the future, once all has rested. You can be friendly and civil to each other. Make peace, and live your seperate lives.
Work on you. Concentrate all your time and energies on your daughter and yourself. Reconnect with your closest friends, seek love from your family; and fill the void with love from those who would not forsake you. It helps immensely.
I wish you the best, moving forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2018): Firstly i want to say i am so sorry that you are going through this and as you have recognized you have to go through the grieving process. It must be incredibly difficult to understand how a marriage you thought meant so much to both you and your wife will now have you question all that.
I have seen and heard about this happening, it seems with your conflicting working hours, for her you both drifted apart and she got caught up in a new job which as you say is successful and has put her into to contact with new people.
Unless you have absolute proof they are having a relationship, which i am not sure how you can do if they are both denying it and i am guessing it was more for his benefit in the end than hers, but wanting her to know i feel will mean little to her. It is juts my gut feeling that she seemed very certain where you both stood and what she wanted to do, so i personally think you telling her what you think you know will not have any real effect on her life. And you know what, why give her the satisfaction after what she has done in showing her that you are affected by her actions. As you have said you don't think it will last, my guess is at some point she may very well reflect and contact you and at this point you would have the satisfaction of saying how you feel.
But i understand that you need closure, if i am honest i think she gave you her closure to your marriage and in a way which was cruel. Give yourself time to heal from this, i think your responses so far have been brave and in a way that shows her you have your pride.
Sadly we never know someone 100%, but this is on her not you if you was honestly led to believe that all was well in all aspects of your relationship. You deserve better than how she has treated you, i wish you luck in moving forward from this.
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