A
male
age
,
*arycee
writes:I am 58 and my wife is 49 and wehave been happily together for 18 years and although the marriage has become a bit mundane I feel there is no excuse for her behaviour. She had been very protective of her phone of late causing me to become very suspicious, and eventually I found some texts that had been going on over 4 months and were up to 15 a day and night. They were of a flirty nature with distinctive sexual overtones i.e. mentioning BJs etc. I was totally devastated as she has been lying to me all through my suspicions and even when I showed her the text she said it couldn't have been her. I figured from the context of the text that it was the good looking builder we had to do some work for us and when I asked her she admitted texting flirty texts too him behind my back. I've found out that a lot of these texts were whilst I was at home. She says it was only texting and that she has never met up with him and I'm inclined to believe her because another text on her phone to her sister said as much and she would have told her sister the truth. We eventually had a big row and she stormed off to her sister and later to a friend’s house and shuns any contact from me. I was really depressed and when to the doctors and sat in an empty waiting room when would you believe it my wife walks, but she ignores me and sits down the other end as if we were strangers. As I go to talk to her she is buzzed in to the doctors, I ask if she will wait because I want to talk to her, but when I came out she was gone.I found the number of her friend’s house and called it and to my surprise my wife answered in a cheery voice. I announced it was me and that I knew everything and the extent of what she had done but was prepared to forgive her if she came home, "I said don’t care what went wrong let's just fix it". I asked her if she still loved me and she "replied I still have feelings for you" All the time she just kept reiterating "give me some space I need to sort my feelings out".I've agreed to give her a week without contact and hope that she comes to her senses.After looking on the internet I wondered if she was going through the menopause as she has become a completely different person in every way, She's gone to the Doctors and I hope some HRT might put her right, if it does I can forgive her as her mind wasn't in the right place.Waiting a week in the house alone, not knowing what my wife us up to is killing me, and I lost all my confidence and feel really inadequate.Do you think that this crush and subsequent infidelity could be caused by the menopause, as her mother went through exactly the same thing?I know that our marriage has lost some of its spark we rarely had sex, slept in separate rooms and even watched Tv in different rooms, so I suppose I am partly to blame, although it was her who chose those things not me. I've told her if she comes back I will re-invigorate the marriage and put in a lot more effort but all I get is "give me some space". I don't know how long I am supposed to sit at home moping before I should realise that she may never be coming back, and I should try to move on. Any advice would be deeply appreciated as we were soul mates and now where strangers.
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confidence, crush, depressed, flirt, infidelity, move on, soul mates, soulmate, spark, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): No I don't think you should have instigated sex more, what makes you think you should have?? If she rejected what few advances you did make, what makes you think that having made more advances would someone make her desire you more?? She didn't push for separate bedrooms and more space because she wanted you to make more advances! that makes no sense. It sounds to me like she simply fell out of love with you a long time ago, hence she no longer saw you as an intimate partner and that's why she created the physical and emotional gap in the relationship. Making advances on a woman does not 'get' her to fall in love with you. If she isn't already in love with you, then making advances will only repulse her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): I think your wife just doesn't desire you at all and it's been this way for many years. To be honest it sounds like your marriage has always been just platonic roommates. So it's really not surprising that she would eventually get attracted to another man and it would awaken a part of her that has been dead for so many years.I won't say it was your fault that the marriage died long ago. Some times people are just not compatible. You can be the most considerate and thoughtful spouse, you can shower her with attention and compliments, but imply showering someone with attention and compliments is not going to make them fall in love with you or find you desirable. Being thoughtful and considerate is to be expected in any relationship. But if she just does not find you desirable and attractive and like someone she respects and admires, then all you have is a good roommate situation. But actual roommates don't prevent each other from dating and flirting with the people they DO find attractive and desirable. So if you're married to your roommate then it's eventually going to become a limitation.I think your marriage was over long ago and her affair now is just the latest symptom of it. What are you going to do with the knowledge that your marriage is essentially over? Try to force it to continue anyway? or maybe finally go your separate ways so you can each find a more compatible partner as is long overdue?
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 When a woman emotions are not met they wait, complain, whine, and give up. You seem to be putting a lot of blame on your wife, why not take your share of blame and work on it if thats what you really want, because it seems like she has already given up and is moving on. Its not to late to work on it but if you can't let go of the flirting and the past there is no way your future together will work.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Even though you have been making all this effort and doing nice things for her, it all seems too little too late!
Sometimes relationships just come to a natural end and it does not matter wat you do, you cannot fix it. I think, from what you have said, that your wife was gone long before the text thing began and once she has convinced herself that things are over with, there is not much more that you can do.
Speak to a counsellor and maybe it will help you to come to terms and understanda little better what has happened.
When a relationship ends, there is a period where everything seems surreal and anxiety sets in about how to end things, were you will go, what you will do!!...many people find this period very scary and unsettling and some cannot face it at all, so starting a online thing or a text thing offers 'escape from reality' without actually leaving the comfort of home!!
Reality has now arrived in your case and now is the time to face facts and see if things can be resolved...if they cannot, you have no choice but to move on and rebuild your life.
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A
male
reader, garycee +, writes (11 April 2013):
garycee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice, most of you agree that I cannot put this down to the menopause, but boredom and lack of attention. It is sad that when I did go into my wife to tell her I loved her and ask her if I could get her anything, she started getting sharp and saying why do you keep coming in are you checki9ng up on me or something. This was before I had any inkling of what was going on. If she was bored and fed up with our marriage, why couldn't she tell me before embarking on a sexting relationship with another man? It upsets me to know that she would make excuses to sneak off to text him up to 15 times a day. I know she hasn't been unfaithful, but he had already won her head what would have happened if he came around. My wife is having counselling by phone and I am seeing a counsellor soon. I know compared to most stories on her a few sexy text messages seems like nothing however although I really want my wife back, the deceit, trust and the fact that she put another man before me, is going tab real hard to forget.I did mention previously that it was my wife who instigated the gap in our marriage. I work nights so we rarely slept together anyway except on Saturday nights, she used to say I kept her awake, so on a Sunday work night she would sleep in her own bed. She used to like to watch all the soaps on TV so I set up a cinema room for myself so she could have her own way. I thought I was being thoughtful and now it’s come back to bite me in the ass.We only ever really had sex on Sunday mornings, but I must admit it seemed a bit planned and contrived, so she used to say “do we have to” and again thoughtful old me says “not if you don’t want too. Looking back maybe I should have tried to instigate sex at other times.After we came back from holiday I could see and all the arguments about my suspicions, I decided I would change, so I took her out for a meal and after we sat in the wine bar, she said she really enjoyed herself. Then on Easter Sunday I got up and cooked her some boiled eggs for breakfast and cooked dinner. I doted on her all Easter and then I find this text early April where she is flirting and talking about BJs. Maybe too little too late, but at least I was trying, why wasn’t she.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (11 April 2013):
take her out on dates, romance her, give her attention, make
her feel special, make love to her, value her time with you,
give her compliments, make her feel like she is the only
woman for you and that you only have eyes for her.
rekindle your relationship don't throw in the
towel work on your marriage Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 April 2013):
Her flirting and wanting attention is nothing to do with the menopause (the menopause would more likely have the opposite effect).
She has gone off because your marriage has stopped being a marriage and has turned into a habit and she is most likely bored and fed up with the lack of sex and attention.
You may have a chance to win her back but you have to appreciate that she probably does not want to try yet...so give her the space she has asked for.
I am not condoning her texting another man, but it's a symptom of a stale marriage where no effort to fix things is being made. Marriage is a serious business but people do notstop being who they are inside...if neglect sets in, it's a natural progression to look for comfort elsewhere (right or wrong).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): Hello. While your wife is having her space, I would advise you to use this time for yourself and try some counselling. It can be very enlightening and will help you to discover what you really want to do next. Your wife was already starting to move away from you when she wanted a separate bed and sitting room. Moving away from you, physically and emotionally was probably happening over a long period of time and I`m sure, has little or nothing to do with hormones. So while you are left shell shocked, she is bright and breezy because she had a `heads up`. She knew things could eventually end up like this. So while you were somewhere else emotionally and not seeing the signs, she was prepping herself for the big blow up. Hence you are shocked and she isnt.I dont know what she was like as a wife or you were like as a husband but something was going terribly wrong somewhere. Maybe she talked to you a lot about the marriage but you werent hearing her. Or maybe she didnt talk to you at all but either way, it was all moving towards this point. The builder is of no real importance because it could have been anyone that showed her a little attention and turned her head. Somewhere along the line, she lost that feeling of being wanted and desired by you. Or she stopped enjoying your attentions. Either way, not good!You might want to try again with your wife if you can. Or you might not be given an opportunity to. But it all starts with counseling. So if you can, do give it a try. You need to unpack all your thoughts and feelings with someone trained to help you sort it all out properly. You dont want to end up making too many unreasonable promises just to get her back, then find yourself in the same boat a few months down the road, when you both slip back into old habits. And you dont want to get her back, only to worry yourself sick every time you notice her phone glued to her side. A marriage needs both parties to really work at it and if she is not prepared to meet you half way, you are in for a lot of hard work if you do manage to coax her home. Will it really be worth it? Take this `time out` to think about what it is YOU really want from a woman and if your current wife is not fitting the bill, do not be afraid to say so. This is not just about what your wife wants. If marriage as you came to know it, wasnt working for you either, you need to own it and say so. You can only fix things or part amicably if you are honest and respectful to each other and both accept where you might have been wrong. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (11 April 2013):
 If you were pretty much leading separate lives can you blame her for wanting space from the relationship. What was stopping you from re-invigorating the marriage before she cheated? While men's sex drive drops as they get older women still need love and attention. I don't know what she is thinking or whether she will come back but if she does you both need to put in some serious effort to get this relationship back on track.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): Many marriages at this age become ... Let's say not very exciting. Sex becomes a very rare event or none. Your wife is also much younger than you. I don't know anything about your sex life, but if there is a gap, then yes, she will look somewhere else.
I don't know if there is an excuse for her looking somewhere else, probably not, but this is what it is.
I m your wife's age, and for the past few years my husband has no interest in having sex with me. I still didn't act on it to find someone else, but to say the truth this sex situation makes me feel quite sad. I recently started getting lots of attention from someone that I like and know for years. I m not acting on it, but he made me thinking.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): Okay, her behavior is not acceptable. She is sending you cries for help and attention left and right. You acknowledge your marriage has become stale. You want to make it right and get that spark back again? You go after her and you tell her how you feel and you do whatever it takes to get it back again. You have been married a long time and you know each other inside and out.
You need to talk. And talk a LOT. You suggest counseling if need be. You tell her that you will do whatever it takes to keep the two of you together. You suggest date night once a week, you show her how much she is loved and appreciate her. Pay attention to her. Make her feel beautiful. Make her feel loved. Have sex as often as possible. You can do this!
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 April 2013):
 From the details you've included at the end of your submittal.... it's clear that your's (and her) marriage has become "stale." BUT, that doesn't have to be fatal....
It's often cited that a "stale" marriage or relationship will spawn infidelity by one (or, both!) of the partners... The key to what happens after the infidelity is the question of how the partners really do feel about one-another... AND the deeper goings-on of their relationship or marriage...
I would suggest that you and she ressurrect contact and determine if you (both) think that there is a chance that you (both!) WANT your marriage to survive.... IF so... then get yourselves to a disinterested third party... and TALK!!!!!
I believe you can find many couples whose relationship has survived an infidelity.... in fact, some will say that the (re-)opening of communication gave them a "fresh start" that re-started the marriage ALL OVER AGAIN.... and it came back stronger than ever....
THIS, you can do.... IF wifey will agree to speak to you... and IF the two of you find the common ground upon which to base a reconciliation....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Hi, you should not be the one begging and following her around like a lost dog. She has disrespected you and her vows and now the space she request is to explore her feelings for this new man.
Dont be a doormat and dont chase a dream that has ended. File for divorce and move on with your life. SHe has in effect moved on with her life and you are left puting the peaces together. STOP hurting yourself and move on, accept its over. You deservce happiness not some woman that has no thought for the hurtshe has caused you.
Just get a divorce and find someone else, there are plenty fishes in the sea, you just need to pick the right one.
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