A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife is angry I hugged a female former co-worker/friend that I have known for 10 years. When we seen this old co worker I have not seen her in 2 years and she is over 20 years older than me. She has met my kids. When my mother passed she sent flowers and a card to the funeral and has also sent me a card about how great of a leader I am to her and the team. Although my wife has never met her I have brought her up in several conversations and I know she should have remembered her. When I saw the old co worker I got excited because I have not seen her in so long and I don’t have her contact info. We hugged and I called my wife over to introduce her. My wife kept walking and then turned around and just waved but didn’t come over to get formally introduced. Then my wife walked back around as me and the old co worker was talking and the co worker reached her hand out for a handshake. Then the co worker told her you have a very nice husband. My wife smiled and stormed pass her. I was very shocked by her behavior although it is not the first time. My old co worker even felt the need to tell my wife that I’m like a son to her. I was very shocked and caught off guard by my wife behavior. Although, this is not the first time. I had another co worker that told her that she is old enough to be my mother. Then my wife never explained that she was upset even though I can tell. Then when I looked at her hand she removed her wedding ring. This was normal behavior for her some years ago to remove her ring when she was upset but we had a conversation about how it made me feel and I didn’t think it would happen again. She also has made it known that she don’t necessarily like me hugging females. I explained to her I will respect that but I did say I don’t see a problem with hugging opposite sex of there is a history there. FYI I have never cheated or gave any reason for her to act like this. I just need to figure this out. I feel like I’m being manipulated due to the removing of the ring and her giving me their silent treatment and it is making me feel really down.
View related questions:
co-worker, flowers, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): There are two Possibilities
1. Your wife is unreasonably jealous and insecure
2. You might be one of those men who are toooo nice to other women and people but hardly treat your own wife with that amount of importance. Some men are people pleasers, which annoys family because you sometimes care more about others than your own, who will love you even if you don't do little things, offer help and show care ie. taking them for granted.
people pleasers are often thought of by others are extremely 'nice' like how your excolleague described you to her. If the assumption I made above is true then this statement could have irked her even more. This is what she'd have been thinking "Yeah right miss outsider, very nice to you of course. not to us"
If you relate yourself as being a person who gives more importance and love to others than your own wife or kids, it's about time you reflect on your tendency to be overly nice to others. Also, if this is true it will make your wife look like the bad person while all she's trying to do is ensure you care more about family than coworkers or friends. Most people are selfish and may even take advantage of you if you're being too nice.
Anyway, if none of what i mentioned in point 2 is remotely true, then your wife does not trust you. Will she do it if her husband were someone else or is this her standard behavior no matter who is taking the position of a husband ? Either she ought to be with someone she trusts or change her mindset depending on which of the above two is true.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (20 August 2019):
Sounds like your wife is insecure controlling and vindictive. I assume she has some good qualities that outweigh the things I listed. A lot of good qualities. Otherwise I cannot imagine why you would put up with childish behavior like this.
You need to have a long talk with her about her behavior perhaps with a marriage counselor because she essentially humiliated you in front of a friend and your coworkers. In my mind that is bang out of order.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2019): Your wife has a lack of confidence and really needs to sort her issues out, my partner is always hugging other women and getting excited to see them ( I just have a quite grin to my self) It's sort of annoyingly cute. Life is too short for stuff like this, in most cases we chose who we want to share our lives with and it's best to just get on with it having fun and making memories from love not bitterness. Who's perfect? we all do and say things that irritate others, try not to feel down and try to make her feel a little bit more confident, never forget to be romantic with each-other occasionaly, feel special together because those are the memories we hang onto when we are old and grey. Love ! is all that matters and is real in this world. That ring should never be used as a tool for threat or a silent weapon, this I would remind her of .
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 August 2019):
 So : you had already told her that you dislike when she removes her wedding ring to show she is upset- but oops she did it again. Even knowing how this makes you feel.
And you know already that your wife dislikes when you hug other females and you say you'll respect that - nevertheless you hug this female ,making a major production of it under your wife's nose. But, you say, you feel you have the right to make an exception and hug whom you want as long as " there is history there " ( btw : I bet . If you hug, there must be history! You don't go around bear -hugging unknown ladies whom you have never
seen or talked to before, do you ? )
Maybe your wife feels the same, though- i.e. that, although she had agreed about not removing her wedding ring , she deserved an exception too. Because she was specially pissed off, maybe. Or because you were too touchy feely. Or because it's already the second woman that feels the need to stress how you are like a son to her,... and when people say this kind of things, generally it means they do not ACT what they are saying,lol- otherwise there would be no need of saying anything, the mother-son type of relationship would be blatant and evident for all to see and would not need being remarked.
Now, don't get m wrong, I agree with the others that your wife acted immature , insecure and uncool. More like a jealous highschooler than like a socially savvy grown -up.
But: for some reason, I feel there's more than meets the eye. May you are a bit too touchy feely , a bit too effusive
around women, and this is an annoying trait regardless, imagine if you have a jealous wife. I wonder, why getting all excited ...about meeting an ex colleague? She won't have been the only ex colleague. And it was only 2 years you had not seen her. It was not like meeting Dr. Livingstone in the jungle, why being so visibly overjoyed ? Was a hug really necessary ? I don't know, social cues are different in different cultures and locations, where I live people don't go around hugging coworkers, - or clients or employees or business associates- hugs are for family and close friends. So perhaps, just perhaps, you are generally a bit too warm and enthusiastic in your approach to women, and even a non- jealous partner may be slightly miffed by seeing you all hot and bothered about a whatsoever colleague , when perhaps you are not always, or not often, as warm, effusive and affectionate with HER. Imagine a jealous partner. Plus, if you had previously agreed upon a no- hug policy, ...yes, she is still immature and insecure but I can very well see why, on turn, she'd enforce now a no-wedding ring policy. .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2019): You started it, OP. I think you were too enthusiastic. No need to fawn over a former colleague whom you haven't seen in years. Too much PDA for your spouse! And rightly so. She's punishing you yet again for your bad behaviour. Can't say that I blame her. But I strongly urge you to both have a talk about the underlying issues behind her behavior. I suspect you play a role. Women don't get upset for no reason. Not to that extent!
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (19 August 2019):
 The first obvious thought that comes to mind is that your wife is insecure, petty and jealous. She's using the ultimate threat of removing her wedding ring which means she's trying to manipulate you.
Then again when you look closely and think, is she really so terribly wrong? I'm not sure most wives would be thrilled to have their husbands hugging women, unless they are family. How would you like it if she were hugging a man this enthusiastically, even if he were 20 years older? Think about it.
I feel the problem really lies with both of you in the you express yourselves. You know something makes your wife uncomfortable and let's face it, it's not a huge thing to ask that a husband doesn't hug other women. You should gracefully accept it unless you're dying to fool around, which I assume you're not.
She on the other hand should express herself better, in a more dignified manner, like an adult. Removing the wedding ring just because she's pissed at you, pouting, storming away... These things don't do her any favours. While she may not be wrong in what she's asking you, the WAY that she's asking you is wrong.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2019): Your wife is insecure and has territorial-issues. She is probably of the belief that men cannot have platonic non-sexual connections with women. In addition to that, she is rude and lacks class and dignity. Blatantly showing jealousy, and being rude to people without a reason, is a deep-seated character-flaw. One that should be firmly pointed-out to her.
You can't just talk people out of some "ways" that they have. Sometimes you have to ignore them, let them perform, and get-over themselves. If you overreact or submit to manipulation, you're being an enabler. It's like a spoiled-child who throws tantrums to have their way. Her issue runs deep to the core. She doesn't like you hugging women, and that's that! Taking-off her ring is childish. What does it mean? Your marriage has been cancelled?
Her behavior is passive-aggressive manipulation. She may have some daddy-issues somewhere in her past, where her father probably favored a sister over her; or guys always left her for somebody else. Judging by the behavior, it's no wonder.
This calls for sit-down discussion. It's absolutely impossible and ridiculous to think you can live an entire lifetime avoiding hugs from women, because of her insecurities. There are other psychological-issues she's dealing with; and jealousy and insecurity are a manifestation of these issues. She has never dealt with them herself. Instead, she imposes them on you. All you get to see is the side-effects of past emotional-problems; and you're left with the challenge of wondering how in the hell to deal with them. Treat her like an adult, not a spoiled little-girl!
She's putting on a catty-performance in public to embarrass you. The objective is to be in-control of your behavior. She's the one who needs control...over herself! That is what she needs to be told. In respectable but assertive terms, of course. When you're passive, or submissive to tantrums; they only get worse, and more frequent. They'll spread into other areas of the relationship. You have to be the man in your relationship. Be reasonable, fair, and responsible. Not a wimp! Tell her that her behavior is uncalled-for! If she removes her ring, ignore it. So what? You're still married! It's being childish to let it bother you! Don't encourage it by letting it show that it gets to you.
Don't hug other women in her presence. Hold-out your hand for a hand-shake; if you're so intimidated by her behavior. Spare others her outrageous performances. They don't owe her any apology; nor should others be subjected to her unnecessary rudeness. Man-up!!!
Just a little side-advice. You should limit "hugging" in certain social-situations anyway. It's reserved for family and very close-friendships. The people you love. She is right to some degree!
Co-workers and colleagues will understand if you respect their personal-space; and hugs can sometimes be awkward, or inappropriate. Especially when that person hasn't really been in your orbit for an extended-period of time. We hug to give condolences, to congratulate, or console someone in anguish; but even then, you gauge the appropriateness of the situation. People who aren't particularly close, may be offended; but won't visibly show it.
Okay, you worked together for ten years; but she has been absent from your life for two whole years! That's a long-time. Being over-joyed may not look right to your partner standing-by. If your wife is deficient of your affection and attention; but rarely gets compliments. Seeing other women get it from you will only set her off. I think that is primarily the issue here, not to dismiss the others I've mentioned.
A good compromise is limiting hugging women who aren't closely-related to you. Show your wife more attention and affection to repress her insecurity. Any person, including you and me, will feel jealous if our partner seems over-joyed seeing people we've never met; if we rarely get attention, or affection. Otherwise, she should be told when she's behaving childishly; and then leave it alone, and go about life as usual. Let her remove her ring in protest. Don't make a stink of it. She'll get-over herself. Ignore childish-tantrums and teenage-dramatizing. Be the adult in the room.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2019): Stupid...I feel bad and have all weekend because I didn't hug a female coworker goodbye last week. Ill probably never see her again. Its ok and in fact its good to hug and let people know that you care about them.
...............................
A
male
reader, SadMan76  +, writes (18 August 2019):
This strikes close to home for me. My gf has done almost the same thing, a few times for similar reasons. In our case there is no ring, so she has dumped me, just to have me beg to take her back.
It is a technique of showing dominance, and to hurt you. It is likely more instinct than conscious, which makes it very difficult to rectify.
I suspect there is a history of other immature behaviour from her side.
You have my full sympathies.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (18 August 2019):
 Wow...your wife has some issues. I agree that there are probably more things going on then you realize and she's really unhappy about something. She's acting childish, manipulative, jealous and she's trying to be controlling. She sounds very insecure but why? Talk to her. I agree with honeypie if my partner acted like your wife, I just wouldn't take him along anymore. Who wants to be embarrassed like that? Hope you can sort things out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (18 August 2019):
 Sweetheart, this is a classic case of not being able to control what others say or do but of being able to control how YOU react to it.
She's taken her wedding ring off. Big deal. She's done it because she knows it upsets you. Stop showing her you are upset. Pretend not to even notice. Keep smiling like nothing has happened. You already know this is her way of controlling you. You do have a CHOICE as to whether you ALLOW yourself to be controlled in this stupid way or not. It takes two to play a game; stop playing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 August 2019):
 Only your wife can explain why she acted this immature and rude in a public setting.
There are other things going on that she is unhappy about and YOU need to have a talk about this IN private with her.
I can tell you this, if my husband acted like this about my coworkers in public, I would probably go by myself to these events rather than have my spouse act like this.
...............................
|
