A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met my wife when we were both 19 which was 16 years ago. We were together happily for about 6 years and then one night my wife got drunk and kissed my best friend in front of me. I think I battled with that for a while but we worked through it.A year or so later she had and affair with a guy from work. She hid it from me but I fuond out and when I did she agreed never to see or speak to him again and came back to me. It ook us a year or so after that to get our marriage back together although the physical side was never brilliant again. She promised me faithfully that she would never leave me again.Around 18 months ago she started another affair with anothe guy from work and this time she left me at the start of this year and moved in with him. She eventually mailed me and asked if there was anything left for us and I said yes, we should try again.She left this guy and we are now talking about getting back together. I am really struggling because she has left me twice now and I just don't know if I can trust her. I love her but she has hurt me badly twice. I really don't know what to do. I want her to be with me but I don't want to lose her again.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, SpiritReader +, writes (28 November 2010):
This is a difficult one. The big question is why do you want her back? She has cheated on you two or three times (that you know of) and yet you seem eager to take her back again. Why is that? She is clearly capable of lying to you and I am guessing she knows this. Maybe you are happy to accept her lies because you want her back so badly?
I think you need to have a look at your motives here. I agree with most of the other answers that she will certainly do it again. If she promised you faithfully she would never do it again and then did how can you ever trust anything she ever says. So it's a given that she will lie and cheat again.
Look inside yourself and ask why you want her back. Ask yourself whether or not you deserve better. You sound like a caring man but you also sound a little weak to me, as if you feel you need her in some way. You don't need her. You need respect and somebody who truly loves you more than themselves. To me, that does not sound like her.
Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): some people only get one shot. she has had enough chances and as a wife she fails you. move on or you will get hurt forever.
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A
female
reader, morenasa  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 My best advice to you is don't take her back. I always say to my closest friends once the trust and respect is lost in a relationship there's nothing left. You can't have a healthy relation with a person that has cheated a numerous of times. Just because she left you twice doesn't mean that she only did twice, she might have done even more and you didn't find out. Ask yourself is it really worth it? I don't think so!!!!
There's a song in spanish that says" When love is damage is better to change than to try to fix" I agree absolutely, even if she changed you will always be in doubt. I think you such seek help and improve your self esteem. You are probably a wonderful guy that can do much better! Why put yourself through that misery again. Let her go for good!!! God will put a better person in your life. If you are "fat" join a gym and improve the way you look, go out and see for yourself that you are an amazing guy that deserves to be love honestly(^_^)
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A
female
reader, fisch777 +, writes (28 November 2010):
It's like the saying goes "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"
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A
male
reader, acbb +, writes (28 November 2010):
WOW...i would NEVER take someone back who cheated on me, much less twice! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!? Get rid of her now!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): You deserve much better than this.
If she had learnt from the first time when she kisses your best friend that avenged hurt you and tormented you she should NOT have done it again. It all points to moving on and finding someone who won't do that to you!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): Don't take her back. Move on, and find a nice woman!
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (28 November 2010):
 You know, I don't think that you can have love without trust and she is seriously testing you on the trust part.
I think it's admirable that you love her so much that you have dealt with her kissing your best friend in front of you (wow) and taken her back after two affairs and are willing to take her back after a third.
Personally, I would be done. She (in my eyes) has no repect for you, no real love or caring about how you feel or how you will react and no moral compass at all. Why do you feel the need to take her back again? You said so yourself that you are having issues taking her back, so what compells you to want to?
But after being with someone that long I can kind of see that you want things to work out with her, but I think you deserve better. Someone who will be faithful to you.
If you want to work things out, then don't move back in together right away and look into some marriage counseling and if she isn't willing to do that, then I would move on. You only get one life, do you want to spend the rest of it guessing if your wife is having another affair? Or guessing when she will leave you next?
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 No, dont take her back. You gave her enough chances but she took advantage of that.dont let her in your life again, she doesnt deserve you!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 November 2010):
I genuinely admire that you took her back after she kissed your friend, and took her back after she had an affair first time around. And I admire that you're thinking about it again, because it proves you're a decent guy.
But I'm not sure she's a decent woman. At all. This is a woman who has consistently proved that she has no respect for you, no real love or you and to be honest is an embarrassment. She's so untrustworthy, that I personally think that it's past fixing. This is a woman who kissed your best friend in front of you when drunk, and has twice had an affair with two different guys from work.
I just don't see how this can work. At all. Not because you're not willing to make it work, but because even if it did, she'd do it again. And it's not a case of 'might do it', this is very much a case of 'will do it'. How long until another guy turns up at work, or until she kisses another of your friends.
This woman has been a colossal failure from start to finish, and I believe that you can do better, and that you should do better. I know you love her, and I have a lot of respect for you for being so loyal. I have no respect for her, and I don't believe for a second that she's worthy of your time ever again.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (28 November 2010):
 I suggest, as you try to work things out...take it slowly, and set some boundaries. Insist on couples therapy before moving in together.
There are no guarantees in life...for any of us...but there needs to be commitment.
I always say that the key ingredients to a healthy, happy relationship are Communication, Honesty, and Trust! It is up to her to regain your trust. You can't just turn a switch and trust her again, so you need to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings. But if you are willing to take her back, you cannot use the past against her, nor harbor ill feelings and resentment towards her. It is important for you to be able to let go of the past and start fresh and new. If you cannot do that, and if you always have that distrust it can never workout, and neither of you can ever be truly happy together.
I wish you the best.
~BG~
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