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Wife got drunk and molested in her sleep at a party. How to put back together the pieces?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 September 2011) 25 Answers - (Newest, 16 September 2011)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I trust my wife, and I truly believe her when she told me it was a mistake.

My wife went to a party and drank. She felt too drunk to drive and didn't want to wake me and our child up to come get her. She texted me that she was staying the night, which I was fine with.

She said she slept in a guest bedroom at the house the party was hosted at and that sometime in the middle of the night, she has no clue as she is still drunk, the man who owns the house slipped into the room. She doesn't remember him coming in, but she remembers waking up to him giving her oral sex. She said she resisted, but her attempts weren't that strong given she was in a state of confusion.

After a while inexplainably, even though it's not what she wanted, her body gave in and she had an orgasm. She felt obliged to reciporcate and gave him a blowjob and followed it up with sex.

She said she is completely remorseful and accepts all blame for what happened. She immediately told me everything that she remembers, and blames nothing but herself for what happened. She knows that what she did was wrong and begs for my forgiveness.

She is not a party girl, as she maybe gets out of the house 2-3x per year, so it's not like she puts herself in these bad spots consistently. She also thinks she should charge the man with rape, but at the same time feels as if she didn't do enough to resist. That her continuing on to give him a blowjob and sex, showed consent, when that was only because he got her hormones going, without permission.

I want to forgive her, and I do. But I don't know how I can move forward and get that picture of her sucking and screwing another guy out of my head.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011):

Just because your wife could have committed a second wrongdoing of lying but didn't, doesn't exactly count as a badge of honor and a reason to stay married to her. She likely confessed to you to make herself feel better because she felt guilty and knew that keeping secrets would destroy her. Her confession was for her own benefit, not yours. Two wrongs don't make a right. But one right doesn't cancel out another wrong either. It may lessen it to some degree but that doesn't equate canceling it out completely (e.g. you could forgive her more if she confessed on her own than if she lied and you found out)

If she is truly taking full responsibility as she claims, then she would be willingly accepting the consequences of her actions by giving you full 'permission' to divorce her and not be begging you for forgiveness and asking you to put forth the near-superhuman effort to stay married to her so that her world doesn't have to change. If she was taking full responsibility she'd be seeking 'self-punishment' and not contest if you wanted to leave her then and there. So I'm sorry but I don't think your wife is really taking full responsibility. She's remorseful, yes, because she's afraid that her world will change and seeing you hurt makes her feel bad so she wants you to get rid of your hurt (i.e. forgive her) so that she can stop feeling bad. She wants to be let off the hook and not have to deal with any far-reaching consequences of her behavior.

Just because she did confess to you rather than lying, doesn't mean that you're obligated to stay married to her. Dont' feel like you're punishing her for her honesty about betraying you if you leave her. It's not vengeful to leave someone who betrayed you, just because they came right out and told you they betrayed you. It's facing up to the truth which is that reality has changed forever, and it's not vengeful or wrong if you're making adjustments and adaptations to live in the new world that she created.

You say that if you were in her shoes you would want to be forgiven. well, hell yeah of course anyone who's remorseful would want to be forgiven, who wouldn't!! but that doesn't mean that you *should* be forgiven either just because you wanted it. When you give people things that they shouldn't have or don't deserve, are you actually doing the right thing or are you reinforcing to them (and to your kids or anyone else who knows about it) that immoral behavior is acceptable?

And even if you forgive her, it doesn't have to equate to staying married. What is the purpose of marriage? Can your marriage serve its purpose now that it's changed? And if not, then ending it is a practical and valid decision.

You can certainly forgive her if you want to (because you want to be a "good person" and she is "remorseful") but you can still leave her for purely practical and realistic reasons which is that the marriage is forever changed and cannot function as the kind of marriage you want anymore, forgiven or not. You can still say to her "I forgive you for betraying me, and I know that you're very sorry for what you did but realize that I just cannot be your husband anymore but I can and would like us to stay friends."

but then again you may have other reasons for wanting to continue the marriage. Perhaps you're afraid of changing your world too (i.e. becoming single again, having your income reduced by divorce, not seeing your kids as much if you separate). But things have already changed forever so I guess it depends on what you can live with better.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011):

If my wife slept with someone else like this, I would tell her that she has two choices. I expect her to either take full responsibility for plain old consensual cheating, or else she goes to the police and files formal rape charges against the guy. This "gray area" stuff is bullshit.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011):

My wife does have huge remorse and she does blame herself for this, she feels that she put herself in the situation, that she didn't put and end to it and therefore she feels that it might not be rape, even though the first act was taken without any type of consent.

Obviously, we both understand that the bj and followed up by sex dirties the water, and she didn't have to confess that part. However, confession of everything makes me want to trust her more, rather than filtering things in order to make herself out to be the one in the right with no blame. She has accepted the blame and is probably being harder on herself than you all are, she is devestated over this.

She never had to tell me anything as this network of friends has no connections to my friends, our family, etc. She could do what she wanted IF she wanted and it would NEVER get back to me. But she told me anyhow, immediately. Could it be guilt? Sure, that is a legit possibility. Maybe she did lead him on through out the night, but maybe not. I am sure she didn't leave a sign on the door saying "Please fuck me".

I have a million emotions that are spinning through my head right now. The easy thing to do would be to say "Take a hike"; but that's not what I want to do. I have reversed it in my mind and said what would I want IF I had made a mistake similar? I would want to work it out and forgiveness. My family is what is important to me. I just need to find a way to get closure on this and to truly forgive. I cannot live with such anger inside, other words it will erode the relationship and my family structure.

I thank you all for your advice and opinions. I am not sure we are going to pursue legal routes, seeing as it will be extremely difficult to prove and honestly we aren't ready to have our dirty laundry aired publicly (and that is me speaking, my wife has said that whatever route I choose she will follow as she is making NO excuses for her behavior). She has not tried in anyway to dismiss her actions. She knows that maybe the fact he orally molested her could constitute rape, but that she contributed with the bj and sex. She cannot understand why she did it, but she at least doesn't hide it. Any question I have asked she has answered so I don't believe she is lying or sugar coating anything on this matter. She knows that she has dishonored herself, me and our family and literally is begging for forgiveness.

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A female reader, KittieS United Kingdom +, writes (14 September 2011):

KittieS agony auntI'm sorry but your wife has cheated on you, and made mattes 100 tines worse by trying to justify it in her own head then tried to convince you of the same lie she told herself

I've been pretty drunk (extremely drunk) during my wild times, and had a guy try to kiss me (I was practically passed out - not big not clever but hey it happened) I was with someone (almost about to break up) and cane too with this guy trying to kiss me, I pushed him away immediately I felt violated and upset and was in no way going to reciprocate - now if I'd been in bed, and found a guy giving me oral I would have felt ten thousand times worse and would have screened, kicked etc etc not thought "oh well, I will let him keep going and then return the favour"

Your wife is completely out of order.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (14 September 2011):

chigirl agony aunt"Nobody, nobody, is under control when they are drunk, that is the very definition, in short, of being drunk."

That particular phrase is not true. And it will not hold up in court. People aren't allowed to drive while they are drunk, because they aren't in full control, sure, that part is ok. But they need to be in control of themselves enough to NOT get into a car when they are drunk either. That is their responsibility. A crime is not less of a crime because the person was drunk. If you break into a house while drunk, being drunk is no excuse. If you cheat while drunk, being drunk was no excuse. If you wanted to drive while drunk, being drunk is NO EXCUSE for making that decision.

If you are incapable of controlling your decisions when you are under the influence of alcohol you simply do not drink to that extent. If you choose to drink to that extent then you are at fault. You are responsible for getting that drunk.

Being drunk is no excuse for doing something wrong, unless someone spiced your drink without your knowledge.

However, that's aside from this story.

I have a friend who got drunk at a party, went to bed to sleep, and woke up with a man on top of her, having sex with her. She pushed him off and got downstairs, spent the following days crying and feeling awful. I can understand that not all people would react this way to rape, many just lay there without doing anything. I have another friend who's uncle forced himself on her, and she too was in tears and felt deep shame (not remorse, shame, there's a difference there), over what happened. There has been incest in my family, and I do not think I need to go into detail about how that screws up peoples mind.

But the way the wife described this was not that she felt forced, or obliged really. She had said that because he got her hormones going (aka she got horny) she wanted more. If she got horny without consenting she could have gotten up and out of the room and called her husband, gone home, and had sex with him instead, couldn't she? But it was described as if she got horny out of her senses and HAD to have sex with there and then. The story doesn't match up. She was too weak to resist, yet had enough strength to perform oral sex on him. That is contradicting.

If the wife has a twisted idea about what sex is like, that she felt so obliged to reciprocate, then that's a fault of her that needs addressing at a professional. But it does not make it rape when she consented, no matter her reasons to consent. She also takes full blame, and she says she was in the wrong for doing what she did. I trust she is a functioning adult with the mind of an adult, capable of knowing if she's done wrong or right.

The man was not right to perform oral sex on her whilst asleep. You can take that to the police, like I said, and see what will happen. But proving rape is very difficult.

She is a grown woman, not a child. Being over the age of consent means you need to take responsibility for yourself and speak up. If she was a child, under the age of consent, or a student with a teacher even, or otherwise had this man as her authority, it'd be different.

To clear this up though you need to talk to your wife again. You could ask her if she felt forced into it, and that you worry she was molested, and talk to a professional about this as soon as possible to see if this is the case. I say this not because she needs to prove her innocence as such, but in the case that she actually felt forced, or has a twisted idea about when one should reciprocate sex, or doesn't know how to say no to a man's advances, and hence felt taken advantage of, she needs help. She could be struggling with this episode for years to come, if this truly was against her will (even if her body said yes).

Other than that, if this is a case of being drunk and horny, something which a lot of guys are being cornered for by the way (if this was the man and not the wife we'd never even think about calling it molesting), you and her need to take some time to work through it. See a couples therapist. Or just simply take your time to heal and get closer to each other again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011):

your wife is messing with your mind. she wants to charge him with rape even though she willingly gave him a blowjob and followed it up with sex? so apparently her obligation to suck and screw him is greater than her obligation to you, her husband? once her hormones got going all personal responsibility is absolved? the fact that he 'molested' her is just one part of the story it's not the whole truth.

of course you can't get the image of her obligingly sucking and screwing him out of your head, because that doens't fit the picture of a molestation does it. If she was an unfortunate victim of rape, the image of her being raped would fill you with horror, anger and rage at him and protectiveness and sympathy toward her. But the image of her sucking and screwing him does something totally different to you, it doesn't arouse your sympathy because it's not molestation and you know it, she's engaging in sexual acts with another man out of a personal choice.

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A female reader, chickpea2011 United States +, writes (14 September 2011):

chickpea2011 agony auntHi,

Sorry to hear about your wife. I know you are hurting, I know how it feels, I was with my ex 10 years, so no need to explain the pain, words cannot describe enough.

I don't want to upset you more, but it's hard to understand that she was forced to do? Specially when she gave the man a bj? I am deeply sorry, but no matter how drunk, forced sex I understand, but bj is a little too much...

I'll give your wife credit though, for telling you right away, for telling you the truth, admitting, taking full responsibility, it's the right thing to do, nut takes a lot of courage to do so. It's not easy admit, and confess. She does love you, and respect you for being honest with you.

1st step: admitting and complete disclosure (which your wife did)

2nd step: you need to do whatever it takes to release the rage inside of you. Ask more questions if you need, talk to your wife as often as you feel like, cry, scream, say your words to her, go for a drive, maybe be apart for a while. Face the fact, find ways to let the anger out of you.

3rd step: forgiveness. You need to forgive your wife, for your own sake and sanity, otherwise you won't be able to move on. So, now you are low go be angry, allow to feel pain, Llow to talk about it, allow to ask questions, but when you feel you have enough, then never mention again.

I'll assure you that right now everything seems overwhelming, out of control and truthfully impossible to forgive, forget, and move on, but with time, effort the pain starts to go away, and what seems so unbearable start feeling less important. So, it's up to you how fast you want this

process to be. You are the only one that can control your mind.

Once you decide to forgive, stay with your wife, you cannot blame her anymore, bring the subject again. You have to be strong, because if in the future, with every little argument, you bring this subject again, accusing her, blaming her, your marriage will never work, and will only be exhausting, painful for the both of you.

Take your time, take one step at a time, one day at a time, revalue your marriage, revalue yourself, your wife behavior, see if you can handle? You have a lifetime to be with your wife, and make it a happy life. Your wife made a huge mistake, we know. But we are human, not perfect, sometimes we "f-up", I am not trying to make your wife excuses, but it was a stupid mistake, one day? Is it worth crucifing your wife, and give up your whole life?

Anyways, just know you are not alone, a lot of people go through the same pain. Hope you feel better soon, hope you and your wife can together make it through, and make the right decision.

Good luck

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A female reader, bronniedavis  United Kingdom +, writes (14 September 2011):

bronniedavis  agony auntOkay, I have been in a state like this , I too have woken up with a guy touching me in a sexual way!

However I had been drinking alot !!!

I could barely speak, and just fell back asleep ! When I woke again he was having sex with me ! I couldn't feel.anything and was in complete shock I didn't know what to say ??

Then I had to think was it my fault ? Did I lead this guy on, by falling back asleep I didn't say no ??

And ( this may count in your wives case ) i did fancy the guy! We were friends ! Which made it so much harder to understand what was happening !

I was still very very drunk and my mind was all over the place ?? So instead of fighting i just stayed still, i kept passing out too and waking back up.

I was ashamed of myself for the state I was in and it had already gone so far ! It was horrible, I kept drifting in and out and don't have any recollection of some parts!

But when he was done, he asked if I was okay, and I said yeah and he left.

I've never done anything because I think he thought it was consensual ! Which technically it was because I didn't stop him.

But I'm ashamed of that night, i couldn't even look at the guy afterwards because i would feel scared , ashamed and still confused!

When people have been drinking, worlds turn upside down ! Everyone does things they can't explain in there drunken states ! I think your wife didn't mean to do this, i wouldn't call it rape but like me, she wishes it never happened ! I think you need to tell her that too.

And if you can forgive her and move on then that would be great because you're a family and you shouldn't let this ruin your love ! The thoughts in your head aren't ever going to go, you'll always be haunted by them!

I mean i always picture my boyfriend with his exes because i know them and i know some things he did with them , but ph well as angry as they make me feel i love him ! Even though pictures aren't ever gonna leave my head !

Its a question of strength, are you strong enough to, help her too, move on ??

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011):

Legally rape turns on the issue of consent. A person doesn't have to say "NO" to make it a rape. A rape is the absence of consent. Silence is not consent. In some states, drunk people cannot give consent and certainly if your wife was asleep I would say that she was raped.

I live in California which says rape is:

261. (a) Rape is an act of sexual intercourse accomplished with a

person not the spouse of the perpetrator, under any of the following

circumstances:

(1) Where a person is incapable, because of a mental disorder or

developmental or physical disability, of giving legal consent, and

this is known or reasonably should be known to the person committing

the act. Notwithstanding the existence of a conservatorship pursuant

to the provisions of the Lanterman-Petris-Short Act (Part 1

(commencing with Section 5000) of Division 5 of the Welfare and

Institutions Code), the prosecuting attorney shall prove, as an

element of the crime, that a mental disorder or developmental or

physical disability rendered the alleged victim incapable of giving

consent.

(2) Where it is accomplished against a person's will by means of

force, violence, duress, menace, or fear of immediate and unlawful

bodily injury on the person or another.

(3) Where a person is prevented from resisting by any intoxicating

or anesthetic substance, or any controlled substance, and this

condition was known, or reasonably should have been known by the

accused.

(4) Where a person is at the time unconscious of the nature of the

act, and this is known to the accused. As used in this paragraph,

"unconscious of the nature of the act" means incapable of resisting

because the victim meets one of the following conditions:

(A) Was unconscious or asleep.

(B) Was not aware, knowing, perceiving, or cognizant that the act

occurred.

(C) Was not aware, knowing, perceiving, or cognizant of the

essential characteristics of the act due to the perpetrator's fraud

in fact.

(D) Was not aware, knowing, perceiving, or cognizant of the

essential characteristics of the act due to the perpetrator's

fraudulent representation that the sexual penetration served a

professional purpose when it served no professional purpose.

(5) Where a person submits under the belief that the person

committing the act is the victim's spouse, and this belief is induced

by any artifice, pretense, or concealment practiced by the accused,

with intent to induce the belief.

(6) Where the act is accomplished against the victim's will by

threatening to retaliate in the future against the victim or any

other person, and there is a reasonable possibility that the

perpetrator will execute the threat. As used in this paragraph,

"threatening to retaliate" means a threat to kidnap or falsely

imprison, or to inflict extreme pain, serious bodily injury, or

death.

(7) Where the act is accomplished against the victim's will by

threatening to use the authority of a public official to incarcerate,

arrest, or deport the victim or another, and the victim has a

reasonable belief that the perpetrator is a public official. As used

in this paragraph, "public official" means a person employed by a

governmental agency who has the authority, as part of that position,

to incarcerate, arrest, or deport another. The perpetrator does not

actually have to be a public official.

(b) As used in this section, "duress" means a direct or implied

threat of force, violence, danger, or retribution sufficient to

coerce a reasonable person of ordinary susceptibilities to perform an

act which otherwise would not have been performed, or acquiesce in

an act to which one otherwise would not have submitted. The total

circumstances, including the age of the victim, and his or her

relationship to the defendant, are factors to consider in appraising

the existence of duress.

(c) As used in this section, "menace" means any threat,

declaration, or act which shows an intention to inflict an injury

upon another.

(Source: http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/cgi-bin/displaycode?section=pen&group=00001-01000&file=261-269)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011):

I am going to disagree with the majority opinion here. Lots of women have orgasms during rape and feel terrible about it. Think of this as rather a date rape. Probably she was into this guy, kissing and maybe even fooling around. That doesn't mean she wanted to have sex with him. However, he saw she was drunk and made a move.

I have a good female friend who got drunk and had sex with a man she didn't even like in Las Vegas. She woke up horrified. She isn't claiming she was raped, but I think we'd all agree it was dishonorable of him to take advantage of the situation.

Before I dated my wife, when we were still just friend, she told me about a guy she had had always had a crush on. They had kissed once (one kiss) but that was it. He was over at her house for a party and she got drunk and went to her room. She woke up with him on top of her. She was confused too drunk to resist. She said that she started kissing him and then he undressed her and had sex with her against her will. Even though she had a crush on him and even though she was kissing him, she did not want to have sex with him! In retelling the story to me the next day she used the word "rape." She didn't press charges or anything, but when a woman doesn't want to have sex and is too drunk to resist properly then that is a rape!

That said, I do wonder why your wife told you so many details. I certainly wouldn't have mentioned that she felt obligated to give him a bj! She should have omitted some of the details. That she didn't is meaningful. She could have made her story more sympathetic by omitting that detail. Because she chose not to, I am ultimately going to agree with the others and say that she cheated on you and feels guilty about it, but she was not raped.

However, that is not to say that it cannot be rape because she had an orgasm or because she didn't wake up screaming in fright. My current wife even kissed the guy who raped her when it was all over with. To this day I am sure he thinks it was consensual while in her mind she hopes she never sees him again and worries about what he might be doing to other women. (He is very handsome and women fall all over themselves for him, which is some ways is almost a license to date-rape.)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011):

What makes you think you have heard the whole story?

Before you do, realize you will get a bunch of knee jerk responses from people here, and you really need to carefully investigate this.

People who have drinking problems do all sorts of shitty things to their families, and are filled with remorse afterwards.

http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm

Have your wife take this quiz, and take it seriously.

You definitely need professional help with this.

Rape, ? hard to prove that, particularly since she remembers this and apparently gave consent. However, if this is entirely out of character it may be worth pursuing. Alcohol, Rufies, etc, all can lead to this type of scenario. Not being reported to the police immediately makes it all harder as well, but not completely unworthwhile.

Plus, by filing a rape report, you may end up finding out that many, many, many others have had the same experience in the same house when "drunk". There were hundreds of people who found this out when someone had the courage to finally report their "experience" in a community where I once lived...all of them thought they were the only one it happened to and all of them thought it was their fault and they had consented to what was done.

Orgasms, by the way to all the uneducated on rape here, do happen during rapes, and it really fucks up the person who is raped.

"If you can not control yourself while drunk"

Nobody, nobody, is under control when they are drunk, that is the very definition, in short, of being drunk.

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A male reader, idoneitagain Australia +, writes (14 September 2011):

Your wife felt powerless at first due to the alcohol, confusion from sleep, and power and emotions that sexual energy can have over people, and the longer it went on she just said "fuck it, I am just going to go with it..." and let it happen. When someone is drunk, and half asleep, it is easy to see how it could happen. However, that doesn't excuse it, and doesn't mean she shouldn't take responsibility for going with it. It sounds like she is doing that.

The question is, can you understand how it could be possible that it could happen? Are you able to put yourself in her position and see that it could be possible? Lets say the situation was reversed, that you woke up and found some woman having sex with you and you were drunk and confused, and eventually just said what the hell and did it?

More importantly, now that it has happened, what would you like to happen now? Relationships are not defined by the problems that come up, they are defined by the way that we deal with the problems that come up. If you do want to forgive her, but find that you haven't gotten through this issue, you need to keep talking to her about it. It would be helpful to be able to talk to her about it in a way that doesn't reinforce her feelings of guilt and upset, you both need to be able to listen to one another and help one another overcome something that has happened to both of you. Counselling can be helpful to overcome these experiences if you find you can't communicate effectively about it on your own, it can be useful to have someone else to talk to.

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A female reader, Jen1689 United States +, writes (14 September 2011):

Jen1689 agony aunt"She felt obligated to reciprocate"...? So even though she claims she was molested, she somehow wants to "reciprocate" this molestation? Seriously..? I mean, c'mon. Seriously?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011):

She just got drunk and cheated, nothing more complicated than that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011):

You don't actually believe her story do you? About the whole "I enjoyed it against my will" thing...that's an oxymoron. female physiology doesn't work that way unless she's hardwired differently from the rest of the female population.

a woman who finds a man's advances TRULY unwanted (and not as part of some role playing thing), would NOT by definition be enjoying it let alone continuing on to reciprocate with him. after all he wasn't forcing her, she was doing it of her own free will. She was giving him the go-ahead alright. If she really didn't want his advances she would be terrified and feeling violated. And if feeling terrified and violated she wouldn't be feeling horny let alone to the point of no return. If she was horny, it means she wanted it cos she was enjoying it. continuing on with him out of obligation - again he wasn't forcing her - again that shows that she enjoyed and wanted to do it with him.

I think what actually happened is your wife cheated on you and she knows it. So in a way she's wanting now to do the right thing of confessing to you and asking your forgiveness because she feels guilty. At least she confessed, rather than lying and hiding it which is what most people would do. However.

at the same time she's also trying to do "damage control" during her confession by trying to avoid responsibility and make herself not look not as bad and perhaps to increase her chances of being forgiven. So in the end she IS lying to you after all.

Furthermore she probably actually wanted this to happen, otherwise she could have woken you up to come pick her up anyway, or asked someone else for a ride, or called a cab. There are so many things she could have done but chose not to do any of them. You need to face and accept the truth that your wife cheated on you willingly and knowingly.

I don't think you can forgive her so easily just like that. You can bury your feelings so that life can move on, but it will always be there unless you do some really hard work which probably requires some marriage therapy.

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A female reader, ChristinaMaeMurphy United States +, writes (14 September 2011):

ChristinaMaeMurphy agony auntAll I heard when I read this was... Oh hell no.

This woman is taking you for a ride my friend.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (13 September 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt This is a bunch of baloney, but in the sense that the OP is sharing with us one of his erotic fantasies.

At woman, on waking up and finding some guy she barely knows in her bed, performing oral sex on her, without even a " do you mind ", would NOT feel her hormones getting going , she would feel scared shitless first, then violated humiliated and furious.

How do I know that's not the woman who lies, and invents this rape,sort of, to cover her shenanigans ? Simple, because she did not need to cover anything ! If she had willingly engaged in sexual acts, all she had to do was keep her mouth shut and the husband would never had known !

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A male reader, Jmtmj Australia +, writes (13 September 2011):

Jmtmj agony auntOh come on! What a bunch of baloney.

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A male reader, Cultuz Iceland +, writes (13 September 2011):

I feel very sorry for you but this is cheating in my opinion.

As my boss once told me when I told him I was late because I forgot I had work... Which was the truth... ''Sometimes, it's better to simply lie''. The fact that she actually tells you that she cheated on you means something though, but don't call it ''molesting''.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (13 September 2011):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntI love it when people use alcohol as their fallback excuse for whatever they did that they KNOW was wrong, and don't want to admit that they enjoyed it.....

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (13 September 2011):

eyeswideopen agony auntSay, I know a bridge that's for sale, interested?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (13 September 2011):

chigirl agony aunt"That her continuing on to give him a blowjob and sex, showed consent, when that was only because he got her hormones going, without permission."

Excuse me, say what? If someone is molested, forced against their will they will most certainly NOT be enjoying it! Put yourself in her shoes! If a woman comes down and gives you oral in the middle of the night, and you do NOT want her to do it, will you "succumb to your hormones"?

Didn't we walk out of the cave a little long ago for that one to be plausible? She got carried away, fine. But it's still cheating.

If I woke up in the middle of the night to a man licking me down there (unless it was agreed upon or a partner of mine) I'd SCREAM. I'd not lay there and moan and have a bloody orgasm.

However, I heard of some laws that say you can not have sex with a woman who is under the influence of alcohol. So technically, she was off limits and "incapable of consenting". Not sure how well that one flies at the police house, but you could give them a call and hear if it's possible to press for charges.

Still though, I do not believe that "I was drunk" is ever an excuse for cheating. If you can not control yourself while drunk then you should not drink, simple as that. There's no excuse. She can't excuse what she did to the man. But you could technically press charges for what he did to her.

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A male reader, Los United States +, writes (13 September 2011):

Hey, I'm sorry but wtf.. "She gave him a blowjob followed up by sex"... I know you think of your wife as the best of people and your selling her to us as a kind person and i"m sure she is. But your wife cheated. She was conscious enough to give head, and follow up by f*Ing him too. And then remember... Sorry guy, your wife knew what she was doing. She didn't call you for a reason. I don't mean to be an A-hole but that's not rite that you stayed at home with the children so she could have a night out and she pulls this sh*t. Don't be a push over, stand your ground. Man up to it, leave her move on.

Im only so harsh because I could imagine being in your position and then picturing/thinking of the images in your head and it makes me sick.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011):

This is a joke right?

I am sorry but nobody in their right mind would believe this fairytale - she may have got away with it had she not continued on to satisfying him and then having sex.....I think guilt got the better of her and she felt compelled to own up - with a few added bits to make her look drunk and innocent.

Its up to you if you forgive her but if you do its going to take alot of time and trust for this to ever work...

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A female reader, SailorxxMooon United Kingdom +, writes (13 September 2011):

That sounds too unbelievable to be true about this whole thing being a rape.

Are there problems in your marriage? Did the number of times you have sex drop? Do you think there is a possibility that she is unhappy in the marriage, and the alcohol just made her braver about it? If someone is in love and happy in their relationship no amount of alcohol would make them forget about the relationship enough to have full blown sex AND oral sex.

She feels remorse because she cheated on you, and she knows it just her cheating.

That is just out of order, she is a grown up woman, she should know her drinking limits so she isnt left vulnerable to men!

If I were you I would be really angry, to me she is also making fun of your intelligence saying she only agreed to sex because she had her hormones going. That is just stupid! I admire you for not kicking her butt out of the door, what an example to your child :/

If you love her, you need to get help for your marriage, get professional help and speak to her about what made her do this. Be strong and dont give up on what you think is right in your heart, you might love her and believe her, but you got your own brain and ability to think this through rationally.

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