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Wife friended EX on Facebook and it has caused issues in our marriage

Tagged as: Marriage problems, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 January 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 26 January 2017)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

One evening my wife was typing on her smartphone because she got a message on Facebook. It turned out, an ex-boyfriend wanted to friend her and she asked if it was OK. I asked her if he knew she was married and she said it was on her profile, so I told to make sure he knows and if he tried anything, to block him. She agreed, and they started messaging back and forth. She told me he was a nice guy she dated in high school who "really messed up" by getting another girl pregnant, which caused their breakup.

After they started messaging, she told him she was married and he said he didn't date married women and only wanted to be friends. He then told her he'd been married twice, had 2 other children, had ended a 7 year relationship, and sent her his phone number. That was a bit of a worry for me but then he said to her that he should have married her a long time ago, which shocked her and she wouldn't talk to me about it for the rest of the evening, only saying it was "difficult to explain." Even though she told me what he said in all of his messages, I was still bothered that she wouldn't talk about this.

The next day, I was going to confront her about it, but first I gave her a chance to come clean and she did, first asking me "Are you upset about JC?" When I told her I was, she told me she took her vows seriously and I had nothing to worry about and how she'd talked to a couple of friends, one of whom had their marriage break up because of talking to an ex on Facebook.

She showed me the messages, and they said what she told me they said, and then started to tell me about him. She dated him in high school and met him while working at McDonalds. She said it wasn't all bad with him, but her parents did not like him, and he was always trying to get her to "put out," something she didn't want to do. He got another girl pregnant, supposedly "took responsibility," and then she broke up with him.

A few years later while she was in college, he tracked her down and they started dating again. She had serious feelings for him but many of the old issues came back, such as him running around with other girls and trying to get her to have sex with him. He had also enrolled in college because she did, but then he dropped out after a month.

It came to an end one evening when he took her back to where she was staying with a friend and the friend was there. They all started talking and the conversation turned to sex and he ended up pulling his penis out and putting her friend's hand on it, which caused her to run off to her room and cry. The friend started yelling at him and asking how he could do that because "that girl has real feelings for you." He started crying and told how his single mother always had different boyfriends staying over. After this, my wife had come out of her room and told him to leave and she never wanted to see him again. He of course begged forgiveness, but she didn't budge. He called a few days later and she told him off again and that was the last she heard from him for a long time.

She told me after that, she wanted nothing to do with men and didn't date again for 4 years until a friend talked her into a blind date. Around that time, JC called her again, and she turned him away again, then he called a few years later, and she did the same and that was the last she heard from him until now, 15 years later.

She was going to call him to explain she was, and had moved on, but then decided to message him instead calling him out on his behavior and telling him she had moved on and he needed to do the same. He apologized saying he just wanted to talk, and she told him when she needs to talk, she goes to her husband. About a week later, he unfriended her, plus she put him on block, and that was the end of it.

Ever since, I have had some issues with her, wondering if when she's on her phone or Facebook, what is she doing. She removed Facebook messenger from her phone because of this incident(I did not ask her to), and sometimes I check our phone records to see if there are any questionable calls on her phone.

This happened a couple of weeks ago and I guess I'm still bothered by it. Can I trust her on Facebook again?

View related questions: broke up, facebook

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (26 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntShe has done nothing to break your trust. You should be lucky you are married to such an honest and decent woman. Good for her. She is a keeper. It is okay to feel jealous but in no way should you be checking up on her and doubting her trust when she was so honest with you. Don't allow your ego to put a strain on your marriage.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (26 January 2017):

N91 agony auntEveryone else has pretty much hit the nail on the head. She's shown you the full contact all the way through and blocked and removed him so he can't contact her.

What more could you possibly want? She couldn't of handled it in a better manner.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI really don't think she did anything to break your trust.

She nipped his chatting her up in the bud, told him SHE talks to her husband not some blast from the past about issues, AND she blocked him, even removed Facebook from her phone.

SO she was VERY serious in NOT wanting someone from the past to ruin the marriage.

And she was VERY transparent from the start. I think she handled it the right way.

I don't use Facebook, my husband does. He has a HS sweetheart on there, his ex-wife and the grown kids of his ex-gf, and an ASSORTMENT of male and female relatives, current and former co-workers. He tells me thing they post or messages they send - I actually talk to his HS sweetheart over the phone more than HE talks to her on Facebook or phone. Never met her, we just get along.

I have no reason to not trust him. Talking to an ex-partner doesn't mean they are looking to cheat. I think it is more about curiosity and networking.

I think you need to let up and let it go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017):

Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman. In my opinion you have absolutely nothing to worry about, and you shouldn't go looking for trouble.

Many people do communicate with an ex, even if it is just to say hi, how did the years go? after years apart.

HE started the contact with her. She was completely honest with him from the beginning that she was married and wanted to keep the conversation totally appropriate. That sounds to me like she is completely committed to you.

She never slipped in her reserve to be committed to you, even when he expressed feelings of regret, it doesn't even sound like she reminisced longingly or anything like that. Of course she was taken aback by his revelation that he should have married her.

I think your wife probably took pride in the fact that she could message this guy and tell him just how happily married she is now! And that is a very good thing! It probably made her feel quite good to know that it is true! Imagine, when an ex who did you wrong contacts you, you get to say, "guess what, I have a great life, spouse, and I am doing great"

Then...she BLOCKED HIM! What more do you want?!

She even told him she doesn't need to talk to/confide in him because she does that with YOU!!!!

After an incident like this I would have more trust than ever in my spouse. She proved that she is open, showing you all the messages, and that she is completely uninterested in any kind of emotional and/or physical reunion. You are her one and only.

Get a handle on your jealousy! Yes, there are other exes on facebook whom she may or may not message occasionally- honestly, who cares?! Sometimes people just catch up with others from their past. She is obviously very devoted to you.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (25 January 2017):

mystiquek agony auntYour wife was honest and let you see and know what was going on the whole time. Stop digging around looking for trouble when there isn't any. You keep it up and you could very easily lose her, sir. She's been very open about it..consider yourself lucky that she loves you and appreciates you and trusts you. Stop snooping and YOU trust her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017):

Can you trust her again? You're snooping through her phone but your asking if you can trust HER again!

She did nothing wrong. She told you exactly what was happening at every point and blocked him as soon as he went to far.

You're damn lucky.

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A female reader, Slippers  United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2017):

Wise owl and I are on the same page .. in fact he wrote the page and mine is just a foot note .. your wife tried to be friendly ; it didn't work so she has now told you everything and shown you and it's natural to feel uneasy but why, Why why .. fling yourself into water you don't need to be in and drown ..

Have another chat tell her you felt a little uneasy after it all as he had a big impact in her life .. but look how he treated her .. like a commodity to have .. so you think she just wants sex ?? No she want that and everything else and you give her that .. so keep doing it .. make time together .. chat together .. have fun together too .

Every relationship needs it's fire poked and stoked so keep it turning and the flame will keep burning .. you sound good together .. don't let this piece of dog poop get in the middle of that as mental health nurse .. this along with previous uncle wise owl is my advice ..

Take care

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (25 January 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntNo matter what feelings your wife HAD for this lothario, she obviously realized, and still realizes, he is not for her. Her only mistake, if there was one, was to allow him to contact her at all. She was probably curious after all this time of no contact. This man obviously uses her as a "fall back" when his latest relationship finishes.

She needs to protect herself - and you - by not allowing any more contact from him. Telling her he should have married her was WAY out of line and designed to unsettle her.

I think the best way forward is to concentrate on your marriage. Take her away somewhere for a week-end treat. Tell her you love her and she looks beautiful. Tell her how lucky you feel having her as a wife. Just make her feel special to remind her why she married you and not this waster.

And stop checking up on her. It will just eat away at you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017):

Sir, your wife has been transparent about this whole situation. She offered you her phone, allowed you to read the messages; and she ended everything. You know the story from start to finish, and now you are being just a bit juvenile.

Okay, we all harbor a little jealousy. It's normal and it's natural. Then there's trust and maturity. Everyone has a past, and it is impossible to delete it out of existence like a text message. It stays there as long as we have a memory of it. You have a past also, and probably some things you're not exactly proud of; or that you buried and will crop-up again. Such is life. You're not a adolescent boy; you're a grown-man and her husband.

Sometimes we mature folks have to let love and maturity prevail in our relationships; and remember how much our mates love us, and how much they mean to us. Mine died on me after 28 years of hard-work and devotion. You can fill your time with fights, nonsense, jealousy, and freaking stupidity; or you can grow-up and love each other.

You'll get a lot of responses to your post, and you will probably respond many times over unconvinced. If only people put in as much effort to use common-sense as they do creating unnecessary problems in their marriages and relationships!

Jealousy tends to eat away at people; because we don't know now how and when to let go of the things until they destroy something good. We rather think the worst of people who love us, before we trust them. Read your own post. You detailed everything that happened until he was blocked and sent bye-bye. Oh, but that's just not enough. When is it ever enough for people?

Seriously?!!

Your wife went out of her way to reassure you. She told you she takes her vows seriously. Now reward her with the trust she deserves. Don't be bullheaded, and push it until you lose her. Man-up and love your woman, like she loves you.

She deserves the trust and the love. She has proven it.

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