A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I have browsed through everybodys opinion about porn being problem in a relationship. But I haven't found my answer. Here is my scenario, and some opinions would be most helpful. My boyfriend began using porn when we were together for a year and a half. (Without me). It began when I had purchased a computer for college, and I noticed he was spending an awful lot of time on it. So I must admit, I did decide to be nosey one time. But hey it's my computer. Well one evening, while I was cooking him dinner mind you!, i asked him if he would go to the store and get me some milk so that Ii could finish dinner. He did. So I went to the computer and found he was looking for acutual girls (not porno) on a personals search in the area. I think my heart fell in my stomach when I saw it. I think I would rather him to have looked at porn! Any way, I didn't say anything when he got back, I just thought I would kinda monitor him for a little bit. Well I noticed my sex life took a huge plummett. I love sex, and I don't mind putting on the hot pink fish nets, I make it available daily, and I don't mind trying new stuff, which he knows. I would offer him sex, and try to seduce him, and he would say he was too tired. Well I would wake up about 2 am and notice he wasn't in the bed beside me so I found him in the living room watching porn and jacking off. Okay I know porn is a guy thing, but after they turn you down??So as you could imagine, my self esteem was non exsistent for about a week. Finally he asked what was wrong, and I told him. He cried and said he didn't know why he did it, that there was nothing wrong with me, that he wouldn't do it again. Well duh it did. The TV bill was over 400.00 from movies that he would watch, again after turning me down, and my computer was a porno capital.And again I would confront, and then he became defensive, and lied about it. When he brought me back my engagement ring from being sized, I had found more stuff. I knew this was a crucial time to get a straight answer, so I asked why my computer was corrupted again, and he said that one of the guys he works with came over during lunch, that he didn't do it and I know it was a lie, because that person was making an out of state delivery that day. Why would someone want to make you feel so ugly, and lie to you the day they have your engagement ring in your hand? But I have watched porn with him, and got all the sexy outfits, and wore sexy clothes, and acted "hoey", but I still find myself getting turned down and him in the living room in the middle of the night? What can you say to people like this to get an answer? And if he's been doing this over two years, is there no hope left? Just keep in mind I'm not a stick in the mud, I have a drawer full of edibles and toys, and still to lovin'.
View related questions:
porn, self esteem, sex life Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (2 October 2007):
 http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/
A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (2 October 2007):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-married-men-look-at-porn-a.html
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): It sounds like you are doing everything right. I am sure that there is nothing wrong with how you look or your approach. He is the one with the problem, it has nothing to do with you.
If you think he's worth the effort, push him to get serious counselling for his addiction. If he refuses, there is not much you can do to make him change.
I suggest you call off the engagement and get out sooner rather than later if he proves unwilling to work on his own problems. It gets trickier after marriage.
There are probably hundreds of guys who would love to be with a girl who is as open minded, experimental and fun as you sound like you are.
If you don't want to call it quits altogether, perhaps you can take a 6 month break and tell him to make a serious effort to sort his business out in those 6 months or he'll never get you back.
Just for interest's sake- if it were me in your position, I would dump him flat out and find someone who can satisfy my sexual needs. Your needs are being ignored and frankly, the way he treats you is disrespectful and despicable. It isn't easy to end serious relationships but unless he changes, it won't work out- both of you will end up very unhappy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): Redirect his bs to porn help sites-http://www.metacafe.com/watch/705792/win Maybe he will catch a clue
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): This will never work out until he admits it is a major problem. Getting to that point is hell on you, and may never happen. He is destroying things little by little, and it will effect you, as each incident adds another knife through your heart. He is stealing happiness from you. That makes him a thief. He lies to you. He uses you.etc.,etc.,etc......Sounds like true love to me. What a joke. A very cruel one. He needs to fix this. You cannot. I mean that. It is not your problem, you are the one taking all the pain, and he just goes on his merry way. Start thinking about your life. You deserve better.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (9 September 2007):
 He's addicted. Just like an alcoholic. Do they wait to drink with you. Same with sex addict. You said your sex life was OK, until this. The reason he would turn you down, then whack off to a movie, or computer is the difference in experience. He's craving. He needs to seek professional help. As most other addictions, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change him. He has to realize he has a problem, accept responsibility for his addiction and seek help to overcome the issues which is causing this destructive behavior.I hate to say it, but if he doesn't get the treatment he needs, you need to say goodbye, or your happiness will continue to be flushed. You deserve to be happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, kitster2020 +, writes (9 September 2007):
I want to let you know,I am also struggling with this terrible situation. My god I do believe it is an epidemic. Have you searched all the help sites? This has gotten totally out of control!Please do not let it destroy you. I finally went to get help for myself mentally, because I let it bother me to the point I could not function normally day to day. I became obsessed with his obsession, is what I was told. Now I have to fix myself, before I can even begin to help him. Please be careful. I am starting to see the fact that if he thinks that little of me now, the future certainly does not look very bright. The pain you go through is unreal! You need to think of yourself. Nobody is worth destroying yourself over. Love controls so many of our reasons for taking all of this abuse. I even made up excuses for him,after I had already heard all of his. I kept telling myself, he would never hurt me like that, because he LOVES me. It IS an addiction, and they will defend it any way they can, including violence,lying,etc. I was finally choked and told if I didn't like it I could leave. I guess in the end he LOVES it the most. I am a fool, trying to make even a little sense out of this mess now. Professional help has told me,above all do not blame yourself, it is his problem. Please take care, and watch for signs of depression. Think of yourself for once, because he isn't.
...............................
A
female
reader, beautifultrustnlover +, writes (9 September 2007):
 hes trash now can him
he isnt worth your time if he can not show you some loving and effection
i think personally that you are wasting your time and need to move on count your losses and move on girl youll find a man that will love what your trien to do
now go find it
...............................
A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (8 September 2007):
Putting people down make people who feel inferior feel better. People who feel good about themselves don't do such things.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): You are far too good for this horrible prat, get rid of him and get yourself a lovely boyfriend who wants the real thing instead of images on a screen. You are wasting yourself and you will really regret it. There are so many men out there who would love a caring girlfriend, he doesnt deserve your love. GET RID OF HIM
...............................
A
female
reader, EZ77  +, writes (6 September 2007):
i dont know what to say! I'm so sorry this is making you feel so unfanciable and lovable and sexy. you are obviously all of those things and more, but somehow not enough for him... maybe he has some deep seated problem. he is often looking for quick self gratification and this makes me think he has issues with himself feeling desirable and sexy (as much as you show him you want him) it seems he is desperately insecure... but to lie to you... thats what people do when they have an addiction in these circumstances. he has become addicted to the quick gratification without having to give or anyone see who or what he really is.. look at his past, are there any clues? try to talk to him, take yourselves out of your normal home situation, maybe a hotel for the night, nice meal, wine etc.. dont give yourself immediately, or again for that meatter until you know that it is you that he is seeing... God we all have our fantisities but it seems there is some other situation at play here. you need to find out what. then come back on with your findings and you will get lots of help and support. you are not alone or ugley or unsexy or any of the negative things you think...in the meantime, i know its hard, but tried to do something selfish for yourself, everyday, built your strength in yourself up... you will handly 'the talk' a lot better i asssure you ....
...............................
A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (6 September 2007):
In his mind you have changed from submissive girlfriend to nag. Reading between the lines your hostility has doomed your relationship. Time to consider moving on.
...............................
A
female
reader, penta +, writes (6 September 2007):
 You have a healthy attitude about porn. HE does not. Anytime the fantasy is more important than the reality there's a serious disconnect. He's addicted, and he needs to see someone about it.
Do not marry him until this is addressed -- $400 is not reasonable! What will happen years from now if you have children and need the money for them? And he's blowing it on porn? Feh. Check out this site for help: http://www.no-porn.com/
I normally say that porn has it's place, because guys like to look, but I always draw the line at using YOUR computer. Those sites are NOTORIOUS for having unwanted downloads (adware, malware, etc.) that your anti-virus software won't catch (because they're not viruses). They'll slow down your computer and install pop-ups and phone home for more crap every time you connect to the Internet. And wiping them is really hard.
So he's LOST his computer privileges until he's addressed this. Take your computer to someone to wipe all the porn-related crap off. While you're there, ask them to install the logins -- comes with Windows so it shouldn't be hard to configure. (If you have a Mac, I'm sure they can install something fairly simply). DO NOT GIVE HIM THE PASSWORD.
Tell him you're putting the ring into a drawer until he's dealt with this. You love him, and this is his intervention. Good luck hon.
...............................
|
