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Why would she start an affair with me if she was happily married?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 January 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 2 February 2009)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello, I'm an 18 year old female that had just ended a two year emotional affair with my ex-teacher.

This is how it began.... It was my junior year; I was 16 and she was 26 and hadn't been married for a month.

At first she started coming on to me and I was very confused and tried to shy away. She kept flirting with me. I was going through tough times with family and I was vulnerable. It was new experience for me. During free periods and breaks we would talk. I asked for her number and where did she live (she knew where i lived already). She wouldn't tell me her number and extactly where she lived. She told me that she is in the phonebook.

I would call her during the day and she wouldn't answer. when she did call, it was at odd hours; either early morning or late night. This went on for two years. She fell in love with me first and soon I loved her too. The situation was causing me grief. We never spent time together unless it was school related.

Before I left for college, I finally sent her an email saying that the affair should end and I didn't want to ruin her marriage. I told her that i'm gonna quit emailing and calling. She said that she was happily married and that she didn't want anything to hurt that. Can someone please explain to me: Why would she intiate an relationship with a high school student if she was happily married? Obviously something was missing or wrong in her marriage.

View related questions: affair, fell in love, flirt, my ex, period, shy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009):

It sounds like she is bi-curious and happened to find you attractive.

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A male reader, Kepi United Kingdom +, writes (19 January 2009):

Kepi agony auntHmmmmm, ok, was this a relationship as you see it, you said you only spent time together if it was school related, so truly, can you have a relationship when all you are doing is talking on the phone or emails?

Maybe you have become attached to this person and mistook friendship and a genuine interest in you for something else?

I'm not trying to be nasty here, but only calling things as I see them, maybe there is more but you're not telling it.

Anyway, now isn't the time to worry about her and her possible problems, its time for you, to take back control of your life and prepare for college, move on, start making new friends.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009):

In my opinion it IS possible for someone to enter into an affair AND still love their spouse. It's my understanding that people have affairs for many different reasons - and usually the 'cheater' is trying to have some need meet that they don;t feel they are getting in their marriage, or other relationships. More often than not this doesn't mean they have stopped loving their spouse, they are just lost in some way and make stupid choices about how to solve their problems...which just create more problems!

Your ex teacher probably did feel something for you to have continued the emotional connection with you for so long - however, I think you've done the best thing you could for you - and that is to break it off and move on with your life. Affairs aren't 'healthy' relationships - and so you may never really understand the ins and uts of it - just try to learn about yourself from this experience - and hopfully the next person you fall for will be available and able to give you the 100% you deserve.

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (19 January 2009):

birdynumnums agony auntI'm sorry. From what you have relayed, she has actually responded in a reasonable manner, and even if you have feelings for her, you should drop pursuing this. I would love to tell you that as of 26 she was a totally evolved adult, but I can't do that. These days, it seems, people evolve and grow at different rates, and even if legally she should have been much more prudent in her actions, she was rather immature.

AND We can't change the past. We can only deal with the present and hope to influence the future. Sometimes, we perceive how things are through our own desires, and sometimes, that is the truth. Other times it is smoke and mirrors. You are a perceptive young person. I think that you need to reflect on this as a blip in your young life, and sally forth. I am not trying to be flippant, but we all have been subjected to heartache and rejection in our youth. It isn't pretty, but it is the nature of the beast. And we all ache for you, because all of us have gone through it. The only conciliatory thing that I can offer is that you have survived this and that you have better things ahead. XXX

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A female reader, PunkyPippi United States +, writes (19 January 2009):

PunkyPippi agony auntI think the e-mail she directed at you was to cover her ass from a lawsuit. If there's no paper trail, it's her word against yours.

I think if you had confronted her in person you may have gotten a different answer.

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