A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:OK where to start six years ago I met again whit my high school friend, she was going threw a divorce I always liked her since high school but back then her boyfriend was my best friend and we ended up not talking anymore because of her, well the point is she had a child by this other men she married which I have raced like mine since hes father has not seen him since he was born, also I had a daughter whit her now she is three she never told me untill she was 6 month pregnant obviously I left her and she never told me cause that was one of the many many times that we have broke up, threw the many times that we have broke up I always go on and find some one else I tried two relationships before but every time she finds out she drops back in my live and goes around me and around me untill I break up whit anyone to go back to her because I feel my love for her is so so big like I have never experience before well the last time we broke up I deside it I was not going to start another relationship untill I was over her but after like a eight month I found out threw a friend that she was talking to someone else and I admit I went crazy I couldnt even sleep at nigh I confronted her about it and tried and tried untill ones again we went back whit each other this time I thoud it was different I said no more secrets I let her go threw my phone answer my calls gave her my e mail password everything about a month ago ones again I broke up whit her beacuse well we just argue non stop about ridiculous stuff that I thoud it would had stop after I gave her control of prity much everything I do now she keeps on pleying whit me if I go out she gets mad but if I go to her she does not want me to be there she says she loves me and will always but I have done so much stuff to her that she will never forget like the girls i been with after her etc. but also she has gotten very violent whit me, one time slash my four tiers in a movie theater, punch me outside of the club cause I was out whit friends we were not even together when we write messages to each other I write her love messages and she just cuse me out and tells me what a horrible men I am buuuuutttt she loves me so is like im the one going to her but she does not want me but when I deside to back up then she gets mad that I do I just dont know what to do if to go on or keep on trying, it kills me everytime I have to go pick my daughter up and she is indiferent and now she does not even let me see my other son practicly I rece him since he was 3 month old now hes five years old what should I do in one side I want her but why would I want some one that treats me like garbage and on the other when she finds another guy I will loose it again I know this sory for the long letter but is complicated to explain in just a few words.
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best friend, broke up, divorce, violent Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Klara  + ♥, writes (1 April 2009):
did you just delete that folllow up?well i read it in time :)after reading that. well that changes things.. you were indeed young when you met her. You may love her but there is a bigger picture here and that is your happiness (and maybe hers too). I am normally Never like this..but i would say . let her go.Walk away. Trust your friends, trust your gut..you are so messed up with this for a reason because that reason is that you can't make her happy. No matter how much you love her..she is abusing you. She is destroying you.You haven't experienced anything else to know better.. but i have . I had a shit relationship i thought the world would be all upside down if i left it.. for a while it was. But then normalcy returned..and i met two people since who i would never have appreciated before. People who showed me love and i showed them..who enhanced my life and we built things together..you havent' experienced this so it's like you have to dive into scary water...you know nothing with out her..but trust me the world is FULL of great things..great people to hang with , to jam with , to meet, to connect with.. so don't be afraid of that part if that is what is holding you onto her..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): Think this sounds too complicated for someone here to try and help with as you obviously have a lot of conflicting feelings. Also not sure I can follow wihout full stops either!! Either you and her sit down and have a long honest conversation or you try and go to a Relate counsellor or something who can be a subjective "voice of reason"?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have ask her many time to go out and then she says ok then at the last moment she says she got cauught up at work or is taking the kids to a movie then I dont even get mad after the third time I deside it that if she said no again well I was gona go out whit friends so I told her just so she would have confidence in me, but nothing that only made it worst and I mean the words she says to me is out of the ordinary I mean if you love somebody how can you respond to them whit a curse word everytime they say they love you and then turn around and say im the one that does not love you when im the only one that is sticking to you and trying and showing you their love, when we were together she would not let me go anywhere whit my friends because of the previous brakeups and the fact that I was dating well that made sence so I told her to come out whit us, well that was a problem to because she says she does not like my friends and is not like she has any so we can go out she did before but distance herself from them when we went back together, I really love her but my family afcourse because they are my family and they dont like to see me get hurt well they hate her but still treat her and so do my friends I just dont know if I shoud keep fighting for it she does not appretiate what I have done for her and I mean I have done, when we were together she quit her job well because she wanted more time with the kids and I was ok with that she never cook because I would always buy food and take it home or we would order food at home I would take her to where ever she wanted I mean their wasnt a reason for her to act like that with me well is worst because she would peak the little flaus like she would say you live everything oraund and I have to pick up and I was like well lets get a mate to clean the house so she would snap so when I clean and did the dishes and clean the floor their was always something new I think the reason I am attach to her is because I have never lived with anyone else but her or the fact that we have kids, but I do love her threw all of it, sometimes I sit and go threw all of this in my head and I still cant understand her, I wish I could just let go but I just cant im letting time pass by and I refuse to invade her space because well I just dont want to hear anymore of those hurtfull words she has said to me you ruin my live im like you were going threw a divorse and had a child when I came into your live so I mean I was 20 years old and wasnt attach to anything. I dont know I just dont know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2009): Hey! Sounds complicated! I just split up with someone who didn't always treat me well. When I finally had the courage, as you had, to split up with him, he cried and wanted me back, so against my better judgement I gave him a second chance, just for him to treat me badly again, once he'd proved he could get me back. And runing my self-confidence in the process. If you were with other girls when you guys weren't together and trying to get on with your life, it was none of her concern. She can't have it both ways. In fact she sounds a bit nuts or at least desperately unhappy or insecure and the violent streak is worrying with 2 small children. How are you supposed to get on with your life when she keeps "turning up" when you find someone? You can never get away from her that way - just what she wants for when she's down and needs you there to prop her ego up. And of course her mixed messages are going to mean you're hurt and confused when she acts interested in another man. Having said that, you guys have got kids so there's a massive incentive to have to TRY and stay friends and act like grown-ups for their sake - maybe get friends/family involved to help you guys stay civil without all the DRAMA!!
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A
female
reader, Klara + ♥, writes (31 March 2009):
well i think she has feelings for you but she is so messed with all that previous stuff. I mean you must have made her feel quite humiliated if i understand you correctly and she still probably broods on it daily.. I know you did not mean to, but she feels like she has had to become a hard shell just to cope with this hurt she has felt caused by you breaking up with her again and again. She is so anxious because she can't fully trust you now(in her head) and thus she become indifferent as a way to protect herself..but you can tell that she regrets this..but she just has no other way to express this..for fear you will leave her again.. she is divorced so this is also an issue..it jsut needs work.. I know it's hard at the time, but when people are snapping like that there is a reason(in your case it is pretty obvious and also some of it is unrelated to you..but to do with her own trust issues toward men), and if you abandon them at that time of real need..when everythign is going bad for them and they can't function..when they are falling apart and illustrating this by becoming so snappy etc it's kind of running away instead of sticking by them to sort through it and make you both stronger.. I only know that, because i went through a horrible spout a few years back and my boy at the time stood by me throughout it all..i tried to break up so many times..but he never let me and kept continuously making me calm done and see reason, that at the end of the day he loved me, and he will not leave me over this bickering or whatever thing i think he will and (i also put on a lot of weight) and he was saying how he loves me no matter and so genuinely it was amazing....(i've since lost it ..thank god :) ) but i will always thank him for sticking by me..because he is the guy who truly taught me what love means. Before that , i would say, that i was this girl.She needs you to speak kindly to her.. to understand her or atleast try to. She needs a lot of things actually..and a councillor for her would be really good. She needs you to reassure her always and put her first..tell her 'you are going out with friends but only after you take her on a date first etc' that sort of caring flattery and attention..if she is the 'woman of your life' then treat her so. If you are serious that is. i feel you need to look at this different. This harsh side of her is a shell in some ways , and she wants to break it but she is so scared you are just going to leave her or hurt her(which you will by just going out with friends..in her mind) so you need to think about how she is thinking.It is only an idea..my suggestion..best of luck. also.. you know her anger is quite common in females.. it's just this habitual cloud at times.. i don't know how to explain..but you make the call for how you feel.. i hope i was some help atleast..
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A
female
reader, ErinPatterson +, writes (31 March 2009):
 My god man thats tough. Well if you guys have children together..I think thats what I read ...than maybe if you could sit down like two grown adults and you could explain to her just like you did in your post how you feel and that you love her well maybe you could work things out..always good to try when there is children..but if not dont fight in frnt of them all the time..I mean there is no perfect world but at one point it is make it work or dont...its hard but unfortunately someone has to be the bigger person and put and end to the bull..
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