A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why would a woman agree to be a man's side chick, knowing that he has a girlfriend / wife?She knows that he can't spend major holidays with her, no birthday celebrations, no introduction to his family or friends. He can only talk to her and be with her when his girlfriend / wife is not available and for only a short period of time.Why would any woman, knowing all that, subject herself to such a relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2018): I am the OP. So, this woman is actually someone I know. Her ex boyfriend dumped her 4+ years for another girl. In the beginning, his new girlfriend allowed them to remain friends. This woman kept calling her ex hoping that he would get back together with her. She used death in the family, her poor health, her unhappy job, etc to get his attention and sympathy. Finally his new girlfriend got upset and said no contact. This is how the 'secret' relationship began. Their contacts are brief, but she still waits and hopes he will dump his new girlfriend to come back to her. It's been over four tears, he's still with his girlfriend. Their encounters are still brief. Yet she still has hope that he will come back to her. She spends her birthday and all holidays alone. She has tried dating or just sleeping with other men, but those relationships never last more than a few months. She has moved closer to him (she used to live one hour away, now lives 10mins away). It's been over four years, yet she doesn't understand that he won't ever go back to her. From the looks of things, this guy will marry his girlfriend soon. He's not wealthy, so I know it's not about money. He's not extremely good looking. There is nothing that he has that other men don't have.. so why can't this woman leave him?
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (24 February 2018):
Usually happens with a very high value man. Generally, a woman would rather share a man with a very high value than have sole possession of a man with a very low value.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2018): Money?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2018): They don't but married men who are bored with the restrictions, monotony and repetativeness of their marriage tend to seek some thrill in a new relationship and considering that the male of the great majority of all species are polygamous so some females and against their better judgement succumb to the chase and presistance of the male. Not to forget that even some married women also seek extra marrital relations because of the negligence of their long term partners. This is a very wide and complicated subject to be explained in a few words.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2018): The reasons vary from woman to woman, I guess. I won't say this is mainstream; but more acceptable now than in previous times.
Married-men have a modicum of domestication and they're tamed to a certain degree. It's a plus if he can enhance your career, or fulfill your dreams. That raises his market-value to single-females who date them.
The perception (true or false) is they know how to conduct a relationship and are broken-in. The appeal is not the man; but the ideal of a secret love-affair that is full of drama, fantasy, and intrigue. We are predisposed to debauchery through all forms of media. We are children of a "anything goes/no holds barred" society." If you want it, go get it. "If he wanted her, or she satisfied all his needs; he wouldn't be here." People have a very strong sense of entitlement; and feel there should be no boundaries.
I assume the lure and the lust comes from being sexually-objectified and desired above his wife. Being placed up on a pedestal. Lavished with gifts and/or compliments, and romanced as portrayed in movies, soap operas, and romance novels. The ego-boost that comes from knowing you can seduce him away from his marriage and family. Preying on his weakness. A sense of power. Pure lust and defiance of all moral-restrictions. Men like this really sees his mistress lower than someone he'd marry. He's judging her the whole time. She depreciates in value every-time they screw.
If she submits to all his fetishes and depravities; he has less respect for her than his pet dog. He'll reward her all the same. She takes these gifts as tokens of his love. They are what he'd give a prostitute for the same fun. It's hush-money! Give a dog a bone, she'll sit or rollover!
Some women are cruel and destructive, and on a rampage of scorn. These she-devils derive their kicks from knowing they can destroy the man, his marriage, his life, and his family. Home-wrecking is their thing! The femme fatale! Pure female-ego and feminine-narcissism! He deserves it!
Most men who keep a lady on the side are adept players. Scumbags by nature. Regardless of race, economic status, or geographic-location. They know how to sweet-talk the ladies and make her feel special. A player is a master-manipulator, and he makes it his business to convince her that she is his weakness. For some strange reason, all he has to do is tell her that he loves her; and she completely falls for him. Hook, line, and sinker!
It's all about the taste of the forbidden-fruit; and the twisted-pleasure of taking something valued by somebody else, and possessing it as your own.
Neither party is innocent, nor under any spell. It is all deliberate, calculated, intentional, and deceptive.
People have affairs basically because it offers forbidden pleasure; and they feel getting away with deception, or maintaining something secretive, offers thrills and a rush that can't be derived from too many other human experiences.
The sex is no better, it's just enhanced by the feeling that you're getting-away with something bad.
Personally, I don't think who's to blame is relevant. It's the depravity in human-nature; to have what you have and to crave something you shouldn't. Knowing you belong to someone else; or the one you want belongs to someone else, satisfies human-greed. It comes from a sense of spite. Defying values that prohibit certain behavior and taking what you want. Just because you can!
Now that I've matured and I have had the benefit of long-term monogamous-relationships. I have found it possible that I can maintain a faithful and exclusive-relationship with one person at a time. I value and appreciate trust, giving trust, and feeling love designed specifically for me. Knowing that person who took the risk for me, only wants me, in spite of all temptation. That is why I would breakup with anyone whom I know for certain has cheated on me. I wouldn't care why, nor would I deny them forgiveness. Yes, I've been tempted numerous times! Like anybody else.
I think at this stage in life; I have enough experience, wisdom, and character that I shouldn't let anyone devalue my gift of love. I can always find someone better. I truly believe this. To set such a high-standard demands that I constantly be a work in-progress. I forgive, because I'm not perfect; but I do my best to make loving me worth the trouble. I stayed with one person who cheated on me for 28 years. He was special to me, and I loved him until he died.
Nobody else will get that second-chance; because our society, values, and morals have changed. Cheating no longer has the moral-restrictions or demand for self-control it once had. You can justify and rationalize it. Betrayal of someone you love comes all to easy. I won't waste my time, or let it damage me; so I won't be fit for someone better, and not deserve them.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (24 February 2018):
My guess is lack of self worth. She thinks this is the best she can do so it is what she is willing to put up with it. And it just feeds on itself. Which is why some women stay in these terrible relationships for years.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2018): Money?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2018): She is vulnerable and naive in the beginning. She needs a saviour to make it all better. Once years go by, she starts to wake up to the reality that he isn't her knight in shining armour and this isn't the fairytale she clung to. But by then it's too late because she has fallen in love with him and she finds it very hard to let him go.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 February 2018):
 You know I have often wondered at that.
I think in many cases it is "easier" (per se) to be a mistress than a wife or GF. You don't have budgets, chores, kids recitals, etc. to argue about. The time you spend with the married person is ALL about romance and fun, not the everyday "loop" of life.
In the beginning is all about lust, fantasy, ego-rubs and emotions.
And I DO think that SOME women who CHOOSES to be mistresses think they are better than other women. They look down on the wives (even though they would give their right arm for the married guy to divorce the wife and marry HER.. but I digress).
And some think they are making a "noble choice" that they do NOT want to "split up" a family so they stay the mistress. (which again makes no sense).
And a VERY large number are conned from the get go. They are told lie and lie. They go into it being told he is either single, divorced or separated - ALL lies. And they don't find out until they are emotionally invested in the guy and the affair. They feel so sorry for the guy but they also care for him so they stay, so HIS life will not be total misery (like he claims to have at home with the wife).
I rarely think women (and men) CHOOSES to go out looking for a "taken" partner. Though... there are some that do that too. Because they think those people are easier to leave if things get too deep. Those are people with commitments issue, I'd wager a guess.
I think there are probably as many REASONS why people get into affairs as there are affairs. And personally, I think the BIGGEST issue with affairs STEMS from it being so normalized and for the married person to have VERY little consequences in their life when they do it. People tend to blame the mistress. Because it's EASIER.
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