A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What is the #1 reason WHY a mistress will leave a married man she has been seeing for a long time?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): You make some valid points CindyCares.This is an interesting discussion.But as you said, we are only guessing and not everybody is the same and does the same thing.My guess on it is that serial cheaters might try to juggle many women at once hoping they won't get caught. It must stem from having a sexual addiction. This is a clinical condition that needs professional intervention. But not all men have a sexual addiction. Some may have found themselves in the right place at the right time when something was missing in their marriage and the mistress was also in the right place at the right time. I highly doubt serial cheaters and those looking for sex to feed their sex addiction would be keeping mistresses for 2 years. That is what I think. They would be moving from one target to the next. They would not want complications endangering their livelihood so to speak so they make sure they involved themselves in a way that protects them from exposure. So they need to keep the acts anonymous, emotionless, and move on quickly with the least amount of damage. Just like thieves, drug addicts, con men, they do THINK about the consequences if they are SMART and take CALCULATED risks to protect their activities. None of them are stupid or do things without reason or thinking. A lot is at stake, right? That is why these people are often very clever. They do not throw caution to the wind while doing these activities is my point although they will keep doing them.One time cheaters would likely have a long term mistress. We are not talking serial cheaters. There ARE different types of cheaters.Yes you are right about the illicit nature of the affair and the danger element providing fuel for the fire. BUT we are talking extremes here. You are mentioning people like criminals and drug dealers. They should NOT be lumped into the same category as a married man having an affair. They are extremes in the example, right?Just saying that if a married man has had a mistress for two years and knows his mistress will not accept him taking other mistresses to the point of telling him in no uncertain terms that if she finds out she WILL TELL HIS WIFE, I think this is enough deterrent.Because there will always be a first time a cheater is caught. There will always be that smart woman who played the game better than he did. Always. I do believe that anyone can and will eventually slip up, no matter how GOOD they are. And on the receiving end of that is a very clever woman who outplayed him at his own game. Absolute truth.Also, what do you mean by natural born cheater? No such thing. Just like there is no such thing as a natural born killer.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 April 2015):
 You are working with assumptions too, OP ; then again, what else could we work with ?! It's not like there's an Official Guidelines Book of Cheating Husbands .The most that I, and you , and anybody else, can come up with, is an educated guess, based on our personal knowledge, informations and observation of the matter at hand. In other words, my guess is as good as yours, and viceversa.
For what I could see happening around me in similar cases among people I know, and for what I think based on my ( admittedly, far from infinite ) knowledge of human nature, SOME cheaters might be one time offenders, same as SOME thieves will be one time thieves; sure, why not. Undeniable though that there are a whole lot of second time, ( and 3rd, etc. ) offenders , just like there are a lot of 2nd time thieves.
Speaking about thieves- that's why I disagree with your theory that the stress of handling a double life, and the fear of being caught, are deterrent enough to avoid any further misbehaviour.
They might be. They SHOULD be. But more often than not they just aren't.
I mean, don't you think that anybody who has a secret, forbidden, illicit activity lives constantly with stress, and fear of the consequences in their life ? Drug dealers,thieves, fencers, swindlers, tax evaders , muggers...?
Don't you think they've got all a lot to lose if they get found out ? don't you think they should know better than repeating their offence if they get away with it the first time, and , much more so, if they did NOT get away with it and ended up getting found out ?...
If the stress caused by having to hide something , and the constant fear of retribution and punishment, were enough to stop people from transgressions, and / OR from second, third transgressions, - all jails would be empty and all cops unemployed.
The fact is that for MANY people ( not all, ok ok, not all )the risk and fear factor is an ADDED bonus, an extra enticement, what keeps things exciting , intriguing, spicy, adrenalinic.
For a natural -born cheater, the inner satisfaction of cuckholding TWO women at once compensates, or tops , the stress , nerves and complications of having to keep on a good balancing act.
Of course, I have no hard evidence of that . It's a theory. But , we Aunts , in lack of that Official Handbook of Cheating Husbands we said before, all we've got to offer you ( since you asked ) are our theories-based , though, as much as reasonably attainable on a rational,logical observation of facts around us and in our society. If you've got better, sounder theories- we are happy for you , the strength of your convinctions will help you managing the stress of your situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): Again, CindyCares, you are working with assumptions.If they do it once, they could only do it once. Sometimes having done it once is enough to deter married men from doing it again. Before anyone rolls their eyes, it's because they realize how stressful and heavy and complicated living a double life really is. Believe it or not, having two women is not an easy task. Having one and being married to her is not an easy task. It is just as difficult and stressful for the married man as the mistress, believe it or not. There is a lot of stress involved and problems can surface with the mistress too. Yes the sex is amazing and they share some wonderful highs together but with the highs come the lows. So the married man loves the taboo nature of it but realizes having a mistress comes with baggage and in the end a potentially high price to pay, especially if she is an insecure type and they often are due to the nature of this relationship.So, would he want to do it again? Highly doubt it. Unless he just dabbles in one night stands where there is no emotional attachment as opposed to having a mistress for two years who has become emotionally attached to him. And then he realizes as his mistress grows more dissatisfied with the reality of the relationship that he must keep upping his game to keep her where he wants her. That is stressful. Keeping her happy AND his wife happy. And he is constantly afraid his wife will find out, constantly. That anyone will find out. And even more afraid that his mistress will tell his wife. After two years, she has a lot of evidence and could bury him.So, why any man would do it again is beyond me. Think he would have learned his lesson the first time.The lesson is if you want to play always know you might have to pay. And the best game rule is play with many and move on quickly so nobody gets attached.Unfortunately it would be too late for the man who hung onto his mistress for two years. He is now IN and whatever he does, he is damned really. No win.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 April 2015):
Of course not all men are serial cheaters !, some of them won't even cheat on their wife , imagine that.
So SOME times a man will only stray once , and have ONE mistress. But surely a married man with a secret mistress is not the best example you can choose as a man with a markedly monogamous streak . Plus, breaking a taboo is hard and guilt-laden the first time, then , when you do wrong, and you get away with it, and you get used to the idea .... the following times would come easier and easier.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): To the last Female Anon,
NOT ALL MEN are SERIAL CHEATERS.
Not all men are the way you are describing. Some are. Some are not.
This seems to have been your OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. While I believe you that the mistress eventually smartens up to the fact he won't leave his wife, I don't believe she IS or HAS BEEN one of many. Sometimes she is the only one. Has been the only one. Will ever be the only one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): The mistress falls in love and hangs on to his every word. She thinks he might be trapped in his marriage. She thinks that the gifts are from the heart. Then she finds out that she is just a number in a hefty number of quests to find women. The man is a player, has a weakness for women in general and plays them. My guess is that she finally smartens up when his past surfaces and present behavior is observed. The smart woman will walk away, a weaker one might last a little longer but the smartest one never gets involved with a married man. PERIOD!!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 April 2015):
 Because she finally woke up from her trip to la-la land and realized what she has was not something she can build a future on. That the man she was with IS a liar and a cheat - and IF he will cheat in a Wife, he will CHEAT and LIE to a mistress.
Or.. he had started to treat her like a wife (and cheat on her too).
The Wife found out and thus the MM is not coming around so often anymore.
Or.. the Wife found out and is filing for divorce and the husband wants the mistress to fill the gap... but He doesn't want to marry her.
Or (this would be my FAVORITE version) SHE met a WONDERFUL single man.
Who knows?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2015):
 Do you want statistics or reasons to end the affair, OP?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2015):
Because she would like to spend time in public with her boyfriend, hold hands, be a couple, and introduce him to her friends and family. And spend holidays with him. And not wonder what he's doing when he goes home to his wife every night.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (22 April 2015):
 I will give 2...I'd say the majority of the time it is one of two things. She wakes up and realizes that despite all the gifts, sweet words etc..he is NEVER going to leave his wife. OR..she finds out that he is cheating on here with a younger, newer mistress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): Because she finally realized he wasn't going to leave his wife.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (22 April 2015):
 Finally realizing that she is just a notch to an emotional crook who lied to his wife and her in order to extract free sex. Sometimes it takes a long time to realize this but in 99% of cases the cheater never intends to leave his wife but the mistress refuses to believe that. A cheater rationalizes his actions to himself by saying it's just sex but in fact he is inflicting emotional abuse to the mistress who, amazingly, enjoys it and wishes it never ends.
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