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Why would a man persist with a LDR if he was not attracted to the woman? Why even tell the woman he "loves" her?

Tagged as: Long distance, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 January 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2017)
A female Australia age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Would a man have a long distance relationship with a woman who he wasn't attracted to and even tell her he loves her?

Why would he want to do that if he later admits he is not attracted to the woman?

Is it loneliness ?

Is this a common thing for men to do ?

Are there some women who are simply not physically attractive to most men ? I ask this as a very serious question as I have had two very serious relationships where the men seem to have not been attracted to me .

One of these men I loved very much and thought he felt the same but it wasn't true.

Have any men here been in a relationship where they have kept it going despite not been attracted to the woman and if so what was your reasoning


View related questions: long distance

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Auntie BimBim

Don't be naive and think that someone REALLY loves you when they have never met you or spend much time IN person with you.

Also, I have to say, while it might feel GREAT in the moment that someone claims to LOVE you- take it with a little grain of salt. As in if he BARELY knows you, is it realistic? Do you feel the same or is it more of infatuation? Or the wish to be loved?

There have been SO many posts here on DC where women (mainly) asks if a guy is rushing it when he claims to LOVE her after a VERY short time and often without having met her in real life, face to face. And usually, it IS a red flag. These guys KNOWS women want to be LOVED and will overlook other red flags because they BADLY want to be loved. And in the end, they end up getting hurt because the guy will move on to another "date" when he is bored or has found someone else to "play" with.

Is it loneliness? I think it's boredom, talking to someone online is cheaper than finding someone, courting them, if they don't live close then you save the airfare, gas cost etc.

If you experience is that men you met online pull these stunts, I'd try another avenue to meeting men, like Auntie BimBim suggested.

And try NOT to let a man RUSH you with promises he might not keep. SPEND time with a person you want to date IN person, see if you are a good match. It's easy to seem like a match when you only "talk/type" to each other but in person? It can be a whole other story.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (11 January 2017):

BrownWolf agony aunt

It's called SEX.

We want it, and you have it...Look around you. Men have done almost anything to get sex.

Want men to get to mars in one year? Put naked women on it. We would row a boat through space if we had to.

Is this a bad thing...Oh HELL NO!!! It is the perfect thing for a woman....If she knows how men minds work. GOD made us crave you, and made you sexy as hell...perfect combo.

A man's mind needs to be sexual stimulated to keep him paying attention...and not by the same means all the time.

The better you are at that stimulation, the better chance of you getting a husband.

Let him fall in love with how your mind works. He will want more, and more. Keep the actual sex out of the picture until he has made a FULL commitment to you. Rock his world once, with the hope for more.

Get a ring on your finger, and a little more hope, that after marriage...he can have as much as he wants.

Men are NOT always after's more how a woman turns him on. I have met 300 lb women who can make men crawl through fire for them, just based on how their minds work.

Think of the those ladies who get paid for phone sex. There is no physical contact, no idea what she looks like...but if she can stimulate his mind really good...he will spend his pay cheque calling every day.

Your body is an added bonus. But you can have the best body in the world and still be single. Why? If you can't make us want you, we won't.

Think of marriage...When the woman gets the man to want her enough to marry her...He goes to the front of the church, and waits for her. No one drags him there.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2017):

You're much better off finding someone who cares for you and shows it.

There are plenty of reasons why men (and women too!) keep people tagging along long distance or not.

Most of the time it's because they can't be honest with themselves and don't know what they want, so they keep all their options half within reach, and as a result never make any kind of decision. You have to be the one to recognize these actions, and make decisions that are best for you.

Don't put up with b^^^^^t, learn to recognize it and turn away from it. Trust your intuition. You ask why a man would drag along a woman who he isn't attracted to. Maybe the true question should be: why are you, an awesome powerful attractive woman, loving someone who is b^^^^^ing you around?

Why do you allow yourself to be disrespected?

You are worth someone who loves you and shows you they love you, and finds you attractive.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 January 2017):

That's what we call friendship. It means you've been placed in the friend-zone, you're a chat-buddy; and/or you're his back-up plan, when he has no other female companionship.

If you're meeting men online, you've got to be tough, smart, and discerning. You can't be naive or melodramatic.

Things can only go as far as you allow them to go. If you determine a man is not attracted to you; your options are to shrug him off, shake it off, and move on. You don't go through a lot of drama, shedding your self-esteem, and asking a bunch questions; when the truth is clearly there to see.

If it's not a friend you're looking for, and he has more or less said he's not attracted. The ball is in your court, and you can drop-kick him to the curb and move on.

Get-out and socialize. Make yourself visible to the world, take a deep breath of fresh air, and enjoy the sweet perfume of freedom and independence.

Stop falling for the word "love" every-time some guy says it. You'll know if somebody loves you, because everything they do proves it beyond the shadow of a doubt. If you stop playing the L-word in your head, you'll come to your senses. You're letting desperation be your guide and council.

Men know the way to get a woman going, is by saying they love them. They don't have to mean it, but it's the key to manipulation. You can love a friend and not be physically attracted to them.

So you're now a chum, but that's not what you wanted from him. So he can kiss-off and you can move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2017):

Hi.i've recently got out of a 2 year relationship that was a LDR and i only saw him at the weekends..We hadnt been intimate for the last 6 months of the relationship.He said it was depression+stress but i know for a fact he watched lots of porn.I was left feeling very unattractive.when i ended it he made no effort to make me change my mind so i got my answer right there!I think he loved me but didn't find me attractive!so its definitely possible..i would of been destroyed if id of stayed with him as it was a really unnatural relationship

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 January 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntFrom my observations .... some men will strike a long distance relationship with women because in many cases those relationships remain as online (or phone) only and do not require much effort apart from the odd session of phone sex etc etc. In many cases they tell themselves this is okay because its "not real," and so nobody is getting hurt.

Have you and this LDR guy ever met in person, as this will make a vast difference to the answers you are likely to get.

In this case I will assume that at this stage it is online only ... please let me know if you and he have actually met, and dated or spent time together in real life.

If you have never met there are a number of possible scenarios

He is unemployed or has responsibilities that are difficult to explain

He is married or involved with somebody already

He is bored and playing around with no intention of forming a relationship

He is in love with the idea of being in love, but the reality really scares him, he is not prepared for a full on relationship

Of course the above reasons could very possibly apply if you HAVE met the man in real life.

If you are meeting men online it might be a good idea to change your tactics, and look for creative ways to met men face to face .... I know not all the following suggestions will suit your specific circumstances but the might help you develop some ideas of your own

Dancing lessons, book club, any night classes such as woodwork or art workshops, pottery. Outdoorsy clubs such as bush walking or orienteering or hash house harriers. Learn how to scuba dive or volunteer for meals on wheels or visiting people in hospital. Many of the people you meet wont be suitable partner material, but their friends or cousins or brothers might be.

Find something to do that gets you out and about that you enjoy doing. Try everything at least 3 times before you decide its not for you ...

Its a big wonderful world we live in, get out there and enjoy it!

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