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Why won't my wife go down on me?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 November 2009) 9 Answers - (Newest, 25 May 2012)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Why is it my wife wont go down on me yet she has no problem with me pleasing her orally?

Before marriage i never had to ask. But now i only gotten head 3 times this decade yet i do her 3 to 4 times a month. Every time i even make a suggestion to she then goes fridged in bed while we have sex yet she doesnt have to ask me twice to do her.

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A male reader, Mickakacool United States +, writes (25 May 2012):

Your wife won't go down on you anymore because of the obvious reason of she don't like it, she also feels she don't have to do it anymore. because she's totally secure in the relationship and she love you but not in love with you anymore maybe that fact is your fault or maybe not, oh and she will never admit that to you. When someone is in love with you they won't deprive you of something that you love because they want you to be happy they even begin to enjoy doing it because they know that it is making you happy. People on here will say to you that you are pressuring her but you would think common sense would tell them you wouldn't have to pressure her if you was getting it, if she was in love she wouldn't put you and a situation where you have to have dicussions or pressure her about it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009):

not married, but in same situation as you

all stopped after few half hearted attempts in the first 6 months dating

6 years later and the ratio is, conservatively, 400/3

i think she really doesn't love me but is happy to stay with me because she perceives me as a 'soft touch' who'll put up with this

this hurts, bad

i am afraid i just cannot get married

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have asked before why she doesnt do that and her reply is always the same "stop asking me why i dont".

As for what we used to do she has used peach rings soda whip cream and other things. If i try to buy any of these items on my own she complains that i am pushing her. And as for saying i only give oral cause i expect it back is not true. When we are having sex she asks me to please go down. I do it because it pleases her as well as me but i know too that if i say no then she starts saying that i dont love her and her favorite line "see if i ever blow you again".

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A female reader, devastated2008 United States +, writes (11 November 2009):

devastated2008 agony auntAccountable is right I wasn't trying to say you were a taker. We all feel like we give more than our share in some way. And when we are giving what WE want instead of what the other person wants/needs... we do end up feeling slighted.

You make my point.. you've given oral 1200 to her 3. You are giving what YOU want and then resenting her not giving it back. I was only saying she can likely say the same thing but about what she wants/needs whatever that is...

It is sooo easy for ALL of us to focus on our own pitiful injustices and to fail to see the other person's point of view. Its an unending cycle unless someone can be big enough to look past their own selfishness.

You are right 1200/3 is unfair, but focusing on rightness isn't getting you any more and is likely getting you less and less everyday.

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A female reader, Accountable United Kingdom +, writes (10 November 2009):

Accountable agony auntI think you completely missed the point devastated was trying to make. Instead of focusing on how she's depriving you of something and wrapping yourself up in that, talk to her about what might be missing from your relationship for both of you. Chances are shes also feeling deprived of something, which may have no relation to oral sex at all, but this makes her feel less inclined to give it to you when you demand it.

Equally, she could just hate it (satindesire outlines a variety of good reasons for this!), and honestly you should respect that - any pressure on her from you to perform it will just make her feel less enthusiastic about the whole thing.

All you can really do about this is discuss it openly with your wife; not strangers who don't really know your situation at all.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To devestated. How did u come to the conclusion that i am the taker. Lets see. In 10 yrs i have gotten 3 bjs while i have done her well over 1200 and i am the taker?

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (10 November 2009):

You could try talking to her. It sounds like she just doesn't like it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009):

she probably doesnt like it . Because i sure dont like it - but i used to do it to my Exx , just so i can Satisfy him :)

but im prettie sure she loves the sexx , just because she dont qo down on you - dont start to assume thinqs !

but maybe you can make thinqs interstinq for her , if you qo to like a sexx store ' they have this liquid candy stuff you put on your Dick and when she sucks it it Taste Yummy :) i think she should try that on you - then maybe she'll love qoinq down on you .

i Hoped i helped - BYE .

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A female reader, devastated2008 United States +, writes (10 November 2009):

devastated2008 agony auntSince we are speculating here... how many times in the last ten years have you shared a true heart to heart emotional connection with her?...3 times maybe?

You say before marriage you never had to ask for her to go down on you, but now she doesn't want to... could you say that about your emotional intimacy as well?

I would make a bet that she feels like you are doing more taking in general and she is in need of receiving. She accepts what you give because you're willing to give it... but my guess is she is lacking an emotional connection with you and isn't inspired to give something she might be perceiving as a demand.

Before marriage or in the beginning both parties seem inspired to give and take. You may be taking points on the wrong thing. You give oral to get oral (but don't get any). If she is also scoring you may not be getting any "points" because its not what she wants the most so therefore it doesn't count (woman's logic).

Both men and women tend to give what they want... but much better to find out what the other wants most and give to meet their real need instead of our own.

And word of advice... don't request oral from her bluntly. Give some real emotional depth with it, "It really makes me feel... when you give me oral. I feel like you are really into me and want me when you initiate oral sex. It really hurts me when you deny me oral sex... it makes me feel like you really don't like to have sex with me."

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