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Why wont my husband accept I just don't enjoy anal?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 June 2010) 16 Answers - (Newest, 17 December 2011)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband is obsessed with anal sex. We've had it twice. He refused to use any lubricant and it hurt very badly. I told him that I'm not interested in doing it again. I only did it with him because I felt pressured. His female boss is apparently into it and told him that she feels bad for him that he wasn't getting it the way he likes at home which made me feel inadequate. Also, every time we have any kind of sex, he has to stick his fingers up my anus and can't/won't cum unless he does. It's turning me off. I don't find it sexy at all. Now I don't even want sex. I'm wondering if he has an anal fetish or if he's secretly gay.

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A male reader, Reasoning Canada +, writes (17 December 2011):

Never do it without lube, though some girls are into pain, I doubt that's the case with you. It's very unlikely your husband is gay, he want's it so badly because it's "forbidden fruit". It's simple, you don't want it, he obviously will. Make him a deal, if he takes it in the ass, so will you. I won't get into the hole act of a strait guy receiving, but if he does agree, it can be a very intimate act so don't "abuse" him like he's done to you in that area. I don't know you or him, butIf your man is using other woman as a threat to manipulate you then in that form he is using you to get what he wants. Some girls like anal, some don't. The female has to want it and the guy has to do what she says to avoid anything bad. In summary, tell him to keep it in his pants unless he's willing to do what you want, take control of your sex life and it will greatly improve.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010):

The next time he asks for it tell him the only way you agree to it is if you wear a strap on and give him anal. Its your body and you decide what's right for you, if he doesn't respect the fact that its not enjoyable to you then get rid of him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010):

I would like to add a few things:

- him discussing your sex life or the lack of with his bosslady is total disrespect to you.

- are you sure that he and this OW havn't embarked on the dirty already.

- your hb gets off telling you another woman wants to please him and you are forced into anal sex without lube- screams Abuse to me.

- your marital problems sound severe and sounds as though you have made up your mind to leave him. Is he a general a**hole or just an anal a**hole? (Sorry about the pun)

- if you leave do you have an action plan? Kids? Employment? A place to live?

- if you have an action plan start divorce proceedings And name her as the third party. This is not irreconciable differences.

- I agree with Q, your hb is banging his bosslady ( yes as the anon female I will give credit where it is due)

- also like Lazys suggestion of you using a few toys up his backside without any lube. Nice one, Lazy

Good luck and tell him his ass is grass...

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A female reader, GSDfan Australia +, writes (10 June 2010):

GSDfan agony auntI am so sorry to hear of your situation. I think you should get out those divorce papers again. He sounds controlling and manipulative!

Im sure in time you will come to realise you can do much better than this guy, you deserve someone who will treat you with respect.

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (9 June 2010):

Carrot2000 agony auntForcing someone to participate in sex acts that are painful is not my idea of "working things out".

You might want to consider re-filing those divorce papers-- your husband sounds sadistic.

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (9 June 2010):

Carrot2000 agony auntForcing someone to participate in sex acts that are painful is not my idea of "working things out".

You might want to consider re-filing those divorce papers-- your husband sounds.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010):

Does your husband really love you? I think you should have a think about that question.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your replies. I do know that my husband indeed talked to his boss about this because I saw the text messages between the 2 of them. They are still working for the same company but he no longer reports to her. I agree that this is something that he should not have been discussing with any woman. I filed for divorce back in October but we've since been trying to work things out. He quit the anal stuff for a little while(maybe a couple of months)but he's at it again. I can't stand it. I think he must have a fetish and I feel like I'm being used. I don't feel sexy at all. I don't know if it's worth it to stay with him or not. The thought of going through this the rest of my life makes me depressed.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (9 June 2010):

LazyGuy agony auntWell, the answer you probably don't want to hear is that you married an asshole. Refuses to come unless he sticks his finger up your ass? Some people like anal play, some don't but fingering on the whole is for the recipient. Why do it if you don't like it? Seems he is the controlling type.

As for no lube. Simple answer. Buy a dildo, strapon if you can. Sand it down with fine sandpaper (latex/rubber/plastic is far smoother then flesh) and offer him a simple trade. He goes first. Wanna bet he chances his tune?

And if you don't think doing this is an option, well that says a LOT about your relationship and your place in it, doesn't it?

Even for people who enjoy anal sex or at least were one does not hate it the rule is MORE LUBE. Always MORE LUBE. That he doesn't either means he has no idea (in porn the actresses don't seem to use lube on camera but they prep before, including enemas (as in more then one) and pre-stretching), he doesn't care OR he gets off on the pain it causes.

Google painal. Can you guess were what that word means? It is a porn type and if someone shoots it, someone pays for it.

As said, either he is dense, or he doesn't care or he likes that you don't enjoy it.

This is what is called a loose-loose-loose situation.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010):

Hey

It's only anal sex, if you don't want to do it don't! If you have that much of a problem with it sit down and talk to him about it!

He is not gay otherwise he wouldn't be married to you and would look for pleasure somewhere else. Also if he was gay he wouldn't get turned on by you which obviously he does!

good luck!

xxx

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A female reader, Myrrh United Kingdom +, writes (9 June 2010):

Myrrh agony auntI agree with everyone else. He should NOT be talking about your private life with a woman at work. If he did! He sounds a regular manipulator, coercing you into doing things by making you feel inadaquate.Thats not love...or making love! He may have made up the remark made by his boss, just to goad you into doing what he wanted. Ive a feeling hes getting his ideas from online porn/fetish sites, rather that a woman at work. Ive never been interested in "backdoor" activities but even i know it would need a lot of lube. Refusing to use lube was downright horrible of him. Im wondering why he would want to put you through that sort of pain and discomfort. Unless it was adding to his enjoyment. Which is a creepy thought. Having to insert fingers into your rectum or he cant orgasm, means he is a fetishist. If thats the only way he can orgasm now, its going to become a big problem when you finally say...no more. I think you should do to him as he wants to do to you, before you agree to anything else. Use a large butt plug with no lube and recreate what he did. If he refuses to let you do it/finds it very painful, he might stop pressuring you. As an aside, i would monitor his online activities. Ive a feeling thats where hes talking about your personal business. And dont feel you have to put up with his idea of making love...because you dont.

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A female reader, ChristineAvril United Kingdom +, writes (9 June 2010):

ChristineAvril agony auntDon't indulge in anal without a condom, the bacteria up there are definitely unfriendly! And no way let him transfer to any other hole after anal, for your sake and his.

Apart from that, so many aspects of this are wrong here.....

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (9 June 2010):

Tisha-1 agony auntWhat is his explanation for making you do things you don't want to do?

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (9 June 2010):

Carrot2000 agony auntI know this is only tangentially related to the original question, but I'm seeing red flags all over this situation. I suspect your husband's boss is trying to seduce him. Telling a married man how much you like anal and you pity him for not getting it from his wife is her way of letting him know she would happily satisfy him in this way if he can't get it at home.

There may be something more to your husband's obsession with anal. You really need to talk to him about discussing this subject with his boss. You also might want to remind him that this is real life, not porn, and if wants to do things sexually he needs to be sensitive to your needs. Anal without lube is just wrong.

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A female reader, BunnyTee United States +, writes (9 June 2010):

BunnyTee agony auntI'm going with "fetish" I can't offer you anything on "gay-ness" being hopelessly heterosexual, myself. This sounds like pure fetish to me. But something like anal sex without the courtesy of lubricant is so close to abuse that it bears addressing in a frank and direct manner.

Have you told him that he needs to respect that you don't share this fetish?

Why not turn the tables? Tell him you're down with it IF he can enjoy the same experience inflicted upon him. Try snickering evilly whilst brandishing a big purple strap-on! That usually does it, if not there are more stepped up tactics to deal with this.

I'd be asking exactly *how* and why his female boss came into possession of the knowledge concerning certain aspects of your personal life and why is she even at liberty to comment on same?

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (9 June 2010):

YouWish agony auntGROSS! I'm so sorry. I don't understand why he was discussing his sex life with his boss in the first place. That's the first thing that would infuriate me to no end. Some subjects are OFF-LIMITS. Why is he discussing what you will or won't do in bed with some other girl in the first place?!

He's got an anal fetish to be sure. He has to stick his fingers up YOUR anus in order to cum?? Sounds like a bit of a control issue to me. I would tell him that if he stuck his fingers there, I'd break them off.

I totally don't blame you for not wanting sex! He's pressuring you and using some OUTSIDE influence that doesn't belong in your relationship to pressure you. Why cares what his BOSS thinks.

Stick to your guns. ALL of them. If he doesn't like it and continues to ignore your feelings, kick him to the curb.

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