A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Why won't he let me go? I met this man a year ago, we were attracted to each other from the beginning, we got acquainted for 2 months as friends, and then we started dating and fell pretty hard for each other. We spent a lot of time together, met each others family and are best friends. However, we had a falling out, or I did something that made him mad, when really it was his drama that caused it....and since then we have become only friends. However, we are very very close, he calls me several times a day, he asks for my advice, tells me his troubles and his plans and his ideas about his future....he has a young child, some minor legal issues, and some financial challenges....I on the other hand am more established, have no children and want a healthy love relationship....when I am with him he looks at me with love, he seems to really care, he hugs me tight and sometimes acts like he did when I was his girlfriend, but he doesn't kiss me, won't have sex with me and is afraid to kiss me because he knows it will lead to sex.....he says he doesn't want to hurt me..But here is the thing, he does. He will call me throughout the day and tell me to call him or he will call me and that we will spend the evening together...we have opposite schedules and limited amounts of time, or pockets of time to be together, and I have been wanting an evening alone with him and it only happens occassionally, and more often than not he will stand me up, say he isn't coming over and goes off with some other friends.I finally got fed up, tired of getting my feelings hurt, I think he is interested in dating around as he is single of course and so am I, but this behavior is one of a guy trying to get rid of a girl, and I told him so, but he denies it, when I got mad on the phone tonight, I hang up and he is calling me back 20 minutes later trying to defend himself, reassuring me he doesn't like any other girls romantically, and doesn't want to say goodbye, when I tell him I want to say goodbye to him, I told him I want to let him go, and I don't want to see him or talk to him anymore, and I told him I wanted to say these things to him in person for the last two nights and he isn't cooperating by seeing me....and he just says, oh, we will hang out again, it is just been lately that I have done this, you don't know me, I am flighty, ok I guess I am not a very nice person (attitude of not meaning what he just said) and he says he is still coming over to mow my lawn, when I just said I didn't need him to do that for me.He didn't show up, but why won't he let me go if he doesnt' want a realtionship? We have a relationship, everything but the sex, and lately I have told him I want a relationship that includes sex and I am going to try and date men until I find a healthy relationship and a man that only wants me....and he acts incredulous and says, you are just in too much of a hurry.....(meaning with him) I am tired of standing on the sidelines and watching him talk to other girls, he has about 5 different ones that he talks to on the phone and are his friends...he has a lot of female friends, and most of these girls want him.He is good looking guy, has a nice personality, he is funny, he isn't that great of a catch, he doesn't have any money. I on the other hand am comfortable and willing to take him on as long as he continues to work hard and takes responsibiliity for his own issues money included and he knows this (and he has never asked me for money).All of a sudden it is me who wants to run, but he won't cooperate and let me go, he keeps hanging on to me.....why? He has so many friends, why does he need me? It isn't fair that we are so close and he gazes at me romantically, but won't touch me....when he knows I want that, too. The last time we made love was Feb 4th, and there was another fight shortly after that that caused another brief split, and since then we are back to being close, but the sex has been cut off once again, as well as the kissing, romantic stuff....Why won't he let me go when he doesn't want me and I tell him I am tired of being hurt?
View related questions:
best friend, kissing, money Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (17 April 2008):
 It's been my experience that guys will do this as long as you let them. They really like having someone that they are close to emotionally and that they can talk to and as long as they tell you they don't want a relationship, then they somehow don't feel guilty using you as a crutch even though they know how you feel about them. I think this works both ways as well- I've done this before and it's usually because I am comfortable with the person but now I'm much more careful and considerate if I'm in this situation. The difference is that guys will probably be more prone to having sex with you than the other way around- he obviously cares for you as a person but he isn't the most considerate about wasting your time. If he's interested in dating others, yes, he is romantically interested in other people- he just doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Just because he doesn't want to say goodbye to you doesn't reflect some hidden desire to have a relationship with you beyond what you have already- don't fool yourself on that one. He isn't going to wake up tomorrow and change his mind because he all the sudden sees how wonderful you are. He also says he doesn't want to hurt you and I think you should listen to him- you are already hurting and you are going to have to be the one to let go because you are the only one in this situation that's uncomfortable with it. I really do understand that feeling of having a special connection to someone and that feeling of getting mixed signals but I have to tell you, any time I've been in that situation- it hasn't been good. He's not going to let you go because he LIKES how things are and that probably drives you crazy because you can't stand how things are but that's not going to change!
What you are describing in your post is a gradual disintegration of a relationship that is going to just get more distant, confusing, degrading and painful. You may have to hit bottom before you get out or he may just disappear once he meets someone else but I do hope you can leave now with some preservation of self worth and respect. Otherwise, this may turn into a pattern for you. Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): Having read your post I can understand where you are coming from. I have a very similar problem, but mine is with my husband! This guy wants to hang on to you because you are a good friend and great to be with, but it seems he is somehow trying to keep his options open and is holding onto you for security. You should take up with another guy and tell your friend that you have waited long enough for some kind of commitment. Tell him you are seeking what you need and if he can´t be that guy, then you will find the one who is. This just might make him realize that if he wants and needs you he better do something positive to keep you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): Hi Hunny
You are going to have to do the cutting off, He canot keep you waiting around dangling untill he is ready to be a man and tell you straight to your face what is going on...Dont phone leave him to his own devises and get on with your life this is really upsetting you and you need that closure but he wont give it, So you will have to...Something sounds strange with him saying you dont know him after all this time that he is flighty!!!!!You have known him long enough to no his ways surely and this is not how you wish to be treated so hunny dont phone let him go and if he phones you tell him you have had enough of hanging around and you have made a decition to move on with your life, If you need a chat message me sweetheart TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
male
reader, salvation  +, writes (17 April 2008):
it seems he needs you to be there for him thats ok however if you want to move on then do it you dont need his blessing to see other people as long as you make it clear that its over and your moving on with your life. He doesnt own or control you.
...............................
|
