A
female
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anonymous
writes:Perhaps a male perspective, why does my boyfriend need to date others very casually and won't commit to being exclusive yet tells me he loves me and spends a lot of his free time with me? We have known each other for 7 months and dated almost 5 months..We get along very well, he and I both agree that we communicate well and have a deep connection and that we are physically attracted, share common interests and values and have a lot of fun together.He always told me he would be honest about everything and he has always told me when he spends time with another woman....problem is, lately, I feel we are moving very close to commitment, and he has dropped hints and made me feel that he wants an exclusive relationship with me, too, we talk about future plans, like going to a wedding in a few months, making plans to go into business, and he tells me sometimes he is not sure if we have a relationship, just recently he finally told his friends that we have been sleeping together (just in the last two months) and he wants me to meet his mom....he insisted on meeting my folks fairly early on, I see his child regularly with him, he takes me out in public, and has helped me with projects around my house, we are very close...finally he told me he loved me, but then we had a huge fight the very next day precipitated by one of his friends doing something very rude to me, calling a girl that he knows that is obsessed with him and tells everyone he loves her, but he hasn't dated her in over a year, she calls him everyday, and he tells me she is crazy, but can't seem to fully get rid of her.....Every now and then he starts pursuing some other girl, ususally right after we have a discussion or issue with being exclusive, so I can't tell which comes first the other girl or my unhappiness with no commitment.I try not to ask a lot of questions, but this crazy ex girl friend told me she slept with him on a specific night, and I now know she was lying, that is what caused our first really big fight, and now he is not speaking to me.How long should I expect him to take to get to commitment, I feel he loves me, he shows me in many ways and he just told me, so I know he takes those words seriously. I am in love with him, and am frustrated by his lack of commitment, but I am also a lot older thah he is and this makes me feel insecure, and I also understand taking your time, but then again, I am the type that thinks you should go ahead and be exclsuive to give the relationship a decent chance and then if you have reservations, break up over it....instead we are breaking up over his lack of being able to be exclusive, he tells me all the time he is not going anywhere, and that he is not trying to attract women, and I do know for a fact that these recent girls have asked him out.....Any ideas for what I can do here if I don't want to break up forever? Is there some way we can work this out when I am in love and feel threatened but don't want to demand that he be ready when I am ready for commitment, what can I say to get this worked out, or do I stand my ground and only see him again if he will make a commitment....he will resent that....neither one of us are kids, but he seems to be acting like one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk here is an update, thanks for all of your help.
We did not speak to each other for about 2 weeks, and then he came looking for me at work (we work for the same company on opposite ends of the huge building) and I was out to lunch....so then he calls me and he acts fine....and he says as long as I am not pushy "we will be fine"....however, he tells me he doesn't want to have sex with me as he thinks it will cause too many fights, he isn't ready for a relationship, he has too many things in his life to work out with his finances and his child custody battle coming up in January. He also has been diagnosed with epilepsy about a year ago, and in Oct 2 weeks before our fight he had a grand mal seizure that scared the poop out of him and me.
He calls me every day sometimes more than twice and we have had hour and a half conversations, the first was me asking him questions about all of these girls he has for friends, he was weirdly reassuring....and for the last two weeks he has stopped calling all of them....we share a cell phone plan, he is on mine and I can see who he calls (of course he knows this as well) but he has taken the romance out of our relationship and says he wants to get to know me better....we talk a lot about his problems and what he is doing to correct them, I listen and sometimes he asks for advice....He offers to help me with things around my house, he wants to help me paint the interior of my home and has already faux painted my bathroom with my help. I miss seeing him in a romantic way, and not sure that is ever going to happen, but he has said before that he wants to table our romance until spring....when things for him should be better...I have never had a relationship like this and don't know what to think about it. He says he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me by having sex....and then when I went out on a date, he called me left a message that he hoped I would have fun, and that he would call me maybe this weekend, he called again around 7PM the night of my date and the next morning at 10 am none of which I answered, and then he called me again the next day from work.....now that he feels more confident that I am not going to leave him as a friend, he has stopped calling on Sat when he has his child...but I hear from him every other day and see him at least once a week.
I don't know if in this case being friends means it is entirely over.....I guess it does...but he will say things like the reason we aren't having sex with each other is that both of us are working on other things in our lives which are pretty important....confusing.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Well he rather quickly is placing the blame on you and taking none of the responsibility. Yes, he may have been looking for a way out. He still sounds like a player to me. I know you miss him, but do you really, honestly, truthfully want to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust? If he's always got to have a bunch of female friends, and he still maintains that he wants to "see other women, oh, but not for sex..." then you know in your heart you will never be at rest with this guy. You will always be checking his text message, and his cell phone and wondering where he spends his time when the hours don't add up. He may be gorgeous, but to me, he's not worth the hassel. Keep looking. There's someone better out there....
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I appreciate you thinking he may have been looking for a way out any way, I don't think he really was, I was the one who broke up with him, was hurting for a couple of days terribly until I realized my love was greater than my pain, and when I tried to let him know this, he responded with anger, and is treating me now like I am the enemy, like it is all about me and some thing I did wrong, like I betrayed him, in other words, he is very defensive....so I have to back off, but I feel like he isn't going to apologize for his part in being such a flirt, he said these girls were work friends, and I don't believe him, because he sort of came late for a date with me one evening and I found out he was calling one of these girls several times that samee evening for what I am not sure, he has a kid, and so does she and it was Halloween....
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female
reader, Basschick  + ♥, writes (8 November 2007):
 What is the point of him keeping his options open to date other women if he claims he's not having sex with them? That's silly. It sounds like he's still searching for something or someone and he's not sure you're it. Pushing him with an ultimatum might not get the desired results. Backing off. Men respect women they have to work for. They also respect women who don't put up with their crap. If he's going to let his ex and a buddy of his come between you, then there wasn't much there to begin with and it may have been looking for a way out anyhow. Back up and give him some space. Let's see if he'll come around and want to continue seeing you. If so, you should definately set some ground rules and not make the focus so much about commitment (men read "marriage" into that) but make it more about respect. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd by the way you are exactly right, I don't want to get married any time soon, he does need to prove that he can be exclusive to keep me around, I have to know he can be faithful and not cheat as I am very loyal and committed in a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, he told me he is sexually faithful, but he has said he is not sure he wants a relationship with anyone right now, he has some personal and financial issues that he thinks is holding him back, which I think has been his "excuse" not to be a grownup in a relationship....but he has made strides to change my mind on this, and certain things I have given advice on and asked for he has been slowly doing, he even told this crazy ex, who is partly in his life because he owes her money and has been paying her off, to stay away and he would mail her the money, but she keeps creeping back in, might I mention she does have mental problems, been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and she has caused problems between us from day one because she feels very threatened he has a new girlfriend...my guy is really "nice" to people and hates confrontation....until we had our first fight, I never saw him get mad at anyone.
Early on in our relationship we did not have sex because he wasn't promising exclusivity, and when we started having sex, we both agreed that we wouldn't sleep with anyone else, but he wanted to keep his options open for dating (not having sex) but he ends up spending all of his free time with me, we have gone on trips, etc...I don't care what women say, men often do not commit to exclusivity that easily, and what are you going to do if he is dragging his feet but behaves like he is dipping his toe in the wading pool of a relationship and he keeps getting in deeper...We are at commitment stage, and abruptly this ex reared her ugly head right in it, and this jerk friend was the instigator, I feel he is jealous of the time my boyfriend takes away from him and he did it to cause problems beteen us and it worked....our first big fight that may end up breaking us up, just when things were getting serious.....now I don't know what to do as I did not want to force an ultimatum but feel now I have to do so, it isn't fair.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (8 November 2007):
I think you made a big mistake early on in this relationship of not telling him straight up, that if he's going to be sleeping with you, it needs to be exclusive. That should've been a deal-breaker up front. That way, he would know you weren't going to be "one of his girls" and he could then rise to your level of standards, or back away before either of you got in too deep. I think your b/f is a player. And I think he battles issues with narcism. Frequently when men are extremely good looking, and they are used to getting alot of attention and action from women it becomes hard for them to commit to just one. They are too easily lured away by the attention of another woman and you simply cannot build a lasting, trusting relationship with someone like this. While he may enjoy your company and the sex you provide, he has done very little to show you he can remain faithful -- and you have allowed it. It's okay to not make demands on a guy you're seeing occasionally, or rather casually but when he tells you he loves you, and you know you feel the same way, it's time to set the ground rules right then and there and number one should be, that he cannot continue to see or have sex with other women. No matter how much they hound him. The problem is, he's never had to do this, and I don't suspect he will anytime soon. If the two of you patch things up, and decide to continue seeing each other, you need to tell him what you will and will not tolerate and if he can't handle seeing you exclusively, then you never had him to begin with. It was just an illusion. Let him pack his things and go. If he agrees to your terms, then you'll have a right to protest if he doesn't abide by them, and I wouldn't hesitate to give him the boot when he fails to do what he agreed to do -- be with you and only you. Once he shows that he can be with just one woman, the marriage part will come in due time. I wouldn't rush it until you know he can go the distance. Give him plenty of breathing room on the marital thing. He may automatically assume that if he commits to just one woman, she'll expect a trip down the isle soon after. Let him know, that's not part of the deal right now. He just has to prove he's capable of being exclusive for awhile...perhaps a long while...and I seriously doubt he can. Only you can decide how much time and emotion you're willing to invest. But by all means, don't compromise on this issue. Good luck.
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female
reader, iagirl +, writes (8 November 2007):
 He's sleeping with you and tells you he loves you, but then is seeing other women on the side, and he expects you to be okay with that?? I think what you need is to get some self respect and tell him where to go. If he really loved you, he would not be messing around (or even flirting with!) other women. This man sounds like a commitmentphobe and isn't ready to commit now or ever. You can't change that!! I'm sure you are a wonderful woman and any man would be lucky to have you...just not this man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is 36 and I am 46......He is a real hottie apparantly, and I am cute, classy and smart.....so go figure.
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