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Why won't he come and see me?

Tagged as: Online dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2008) 9 Answers - (Newest, 19 July 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am seperated and have 2 children, I got talking to a nice man on the internet and we have been in contact now for 10 months, we have emailed and text each other every day and we have chatted for hours on the phone. He is divorced and has 2 grown up children, who are 18 and 24 years of age. Now we have said about meeting up but he lives very far away in Scotland and I live in Kent which is about 6oo miles away, he wants to see me and spend the weekend with me and for us to stay overnight together, I want that too but I can't stay overnight because I have small children, I can only see him during day time hours, any way nothing has been arranged and he still hasn't made any plans to come down and see me, why?

I keep thinking he isn't that keen although he told me that he's fallen in love with me, so I don't know if the long journey is putting him off or whether he cannot afford the fares? It would take about 6 hours by train to meet me in London, what shall I do?

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A female reader, praxxis United Kingdom +, writes (19 July 2009):

wow this sounds familiar...I have been in an online relationship, of sorts, for 2 years now, and he was supposed to be visiting me. He is in Australia. He has been saving up, but we agreed he would come this september, but as yet no flight is booked. We seem to break up every few weeks, mainly due to the fact that we argue about te lack of plans. He seems to resent it when i ask him when hes coming. I have a son and cannot go to visit him at the moment. I am tempted to just stop coming online, I feel like I have been led on, and the emotional hurt is really taking its toll on me. I wish I could help you more, all I can do is sympathise really. I hope things work out for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009):

I am so sorry but I think you are dealing with an online faker. Ten months is much too long to be talking to someone without meeting. I am afraid he just wants a cyber girlfriend and has no intention of actually meeting you, probably because he already has a real life girlfriend.

Tell him if he doesn't make firm arrangements to come and see you very soon you will have to stop talking to him (though with the current weather conditions I suppose he has a good excuse). In the meantime I think you should reduce contact with him, don't talk to him every day and keep it brief. You need to find out if he is really single - can you phone him at any time of day without warning and does he always answer? If not, and if he generally only calls back some time later it is probably because he has to get away from his girlfriend first.

Someone on another site told me that you have to meet within three weeks (!) or it is too late and he will no longer see you as a sexual interest. Not sure about the three weeks, but I think it is good advice to meet as soon as possible before you have too much emotionally invested in someone who is just a cyber player or internet flake.

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A female reader, kitty09 Australia +, writes (7 February 2009):

Oh my God. The same thing is happenning with me right now except we are a world apart. We made plans and a date for him to come and see me and now when it comes to booking I got every excuse in the book. He wont give me a yes or no answer now as to whether he is coming. Im just assuming he is not. he keeps texting me and trying to pull me back in but im not having a bar of it. Its all off until he books that flight.

I feel so sick and used - so hun your not the only woman to fall for this shit and get emotionally invested. What I wanna know is why anyone would do this to someone else if they had no intention of following throu - its so cruel.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

Let him go; set yourself free. You have been coping on your won without him and his support, you will overcome this hick-up. You deserve somebody that will love you, care for you and support you.

Yes, I know it will be difficult and you will feel tempted to make contact, but resist it at all costs. Stop allowing him to pull your strings. Be strong and be in control of your own life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I will keep you updated, we have had rows before over jealousy but always made up. Only 2 days ago he said he kept a photo of me in his wallet and i dont think he's playing around because he seems to be really into me, gut feeling i have but i feel like iv given so much emotional input with him its hard to walk away. I will see what happens.

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2008):

AskEve agony auntThen he's not worth it. Don't get in touch again unless he does! Even although he's started a new job, he WILL get holidays!!! I know it's hard for you, he boosted you up and now when push comes to shove he doesn't follow through. HIS LOSS! Play it by ear and see if he gets in contact but don't you contact him. If he feels for you as much as he says he does then you should hear from him again. Hopefully, he'll have had time to think about what he's about to lose.

Good luck and keep us updated.

~Eve~

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for all your good advice.We had an argument last night by txt, he was accusing me of chatting to other men on the pc because he wasn't getting my txts and now we are not talking, i was seeing to my son who wasn't very well and i told him that, i did tell him that he has made no effort to seeing me but have heard nothing since, he has started a new job this summer and has been working nights, i have got frustrated and i told him by txt this morning that i was finishing all contact because i was getting depressed with the rows, i feel like im relying on him to making me happy, but im not happy because i cry most days.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

Let him do the "chasing". If he is really that "into" you he will find any way and excuse possible to be with you.

Don't let him fool you. Keep your mind open. Hope all works well for you, but let him proof his love and his intentions, not just verbally or physically but with his actions.

Good luck.

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (30 November 2008):

AskEve agony auntIf he says he's fallen in love with you then he would move hell and high water to come up to see you. HE is the one with the grown up kids, he is free of those responsibilities. He should never expect you to go all that way to see him when you have 2 young kids. If he genuinely does feel anything for you then he will make arrangements to come and see you. It's always much better that the woman stays on her own territory anyway for the first meeting in case things go wrong.

Stand your ground here and DON'T be talked into going down there. He can get a flight up to you for about £30 return and it only takes an hour so he really has no excuse.

~Eve~

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