A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have recently gained some weight and it's making me feel quite uncomfortable. My boyfriend always compliments me even when I look like a walking dead extra or my hairs a mess. Well he basically compliments me every time I see him. I asked him to be honest with me if my weight goes up etc because I don't want to let myself just get comfortable and gradually put on lots of weight because I think I look ok when I really don't.He told me while we were having a little drink that he would let me know if I start looking huge and said he's told his ex the same. Well I thought he meant a certain ex who is really big but then he slipped up and said that he asked one woman what the hell was wrong with her stomach because she'd had a tummy tuck it felt weird.When I first met him he touched my stomach in bed one night and he asked me what was on there. I have stretchmarks and it feels really bumpy. He just lead there and I could tell that it kind of repulsed him. He didn't say anything else then for the rest of the night and went to sleep.Now this sounds really stupid but this particular ex I thought he was on about has caused problems between us. They used to talk all of the time, he's even stayed at her house behind my back when we were having arguments all of the time. I've forgiven him for that because he seems genuinely sorry about it and upset that he hurt me.I asked him if he ever said anything to her about her weight then, seeing as she put on loads of weight while they were together. He said no and refused to say anything about it.I guess this is stupid but I'm getting really down about the fact that he can never ever say anything bad about her. He seems to care about her a lot and would rather put me or anybody else down before saying a word against her. He does compliment me a lot but when we argue he also has said terrible things about the way I look. I feel ridiculous trying to will him to put his ex down in some way but he never will.There are other exes that are absolutely gorgeous and he's said loads of different bad things about some aspect of the way they look, or acts or what they did to him. But that one ex nothing.She cheated on him and that's why they broke up. But even that he says things like they grew apart, or that it was his fault she did that. It's really frustrating that he can say bad things to me, lets me know that the tummy tuck girl kind of grossed him out.Sometimes he can be quite shallow, we've been out in the past and he's made comments about other peoples clothes and hair. This is one part of him that I don't really like. He has many great things about him, he's generous and funny and has helped me through bad times in my life. But he always makes comment on other peoples appearance. If I thought this ex was attractive I would admit it. But she's really not, I hate saying that but its true. She morbidly obese and looks a lot older than she is.Don't get me wrong that doesn't make her any less of a person but she seems the same as him. When I found out he had seen her behind my back I will admit I looked at her Facebook account a lot. She seems quite shallow and commented on her own photos complimenting herself. I know I sound absolutely ridiculous right now :( but it's driving me mad!!!I'm an adult and I realise that he couldn't be attracted to every part of my body but he loves other parts. I realise that relationships aren't all about appearances, you love your partners personality and the way they are. But I just don't understand why he will not say anything about her.Am I being really silly! Should I just let this go? Do you think he's being a bit insensitive? Have you ever dealt with a partner who just won't say one bad thing about an ex but is fine with saying bad things about everybody else on the planet!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): Honeypie, I know reading this back I really did come across that way. I've looked at this whole pointless question and I feel a bit silly! lol. I guess it's not so much that I want him to put her down to make me feel better it's the fact that he can really easily do it about everybody in the world except her. That's the way he is a bit shallow and judgemental, so it gets to me when a woman I find least attractive out of all his exes, is exempt from it. I don't get it. If he were nice about everybody else I'd get that he's not the kind of guy to insult anybody including her.I think you're right janniepeg, when you love somebody you don't see their flaws, you look past unattractive parts of their body because you love all of them. So that's why it concerns me.I think I should be more concerned having a boyfriend who is so shallow, the comment he made about her tummy tuck made me really upset for her. The fact that he actually said it to her makes it worse! I will add that although I look like I want him to put somebody else down to make me feel better he brought up the bit where he let exes know when they started getting overweight. But the fact that he brings up a tummy tuck as an example when this one woman is really badly overweight is just weird! I don't get it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 October 2015):
 I think you ARE being silly. Him putting her down to make YOU feel better about yourself, sounds kind of petty to me.
My husband's first wife is a 400 lbs woman now, she is HUGE. I think my husband knows that she ins't happy about her weight, so WHY put her down? Funny enough, the negative things he has told me about her had NOTHING to do with her looks. Some of then I experienced too. So it wasn't just hearsay.
You BF likes to point out flaws in other people's appearances, and THAT I find really irksome - as I doubt he is a perfect Adonis himself. Feeling disgusted with you stretchmarks makes me think he is a bit disconnected with reality. Stretchmarks aren't disgusting, they are pretty normal for the average woman (and quite a few guys too). I think he likes to put others down to make himself feel better - just like YOU would want him to put HER down to make YOU feel better.
There are other ways to feel better about yourself then by putting someone else down.
Maybe he doesn't want to talk smack about her because he knows how hurtful it really is. My guess is, HE DID put her looks down when they were together, JUST like he puts your flaws down with you. He for whatever reason don't want to do it TO her in front of you. Either because HE KNOWS he has hurt her in the past and regardless of how they split up - he has decided to not do it again - TO HER. And partly I think he KNOWS it makes YOU insecure that he doesn't talk smack about her. He gets a kick out of that. Because it makes you question "what does she have that I don't?" . which might mean that you try harder to please him, you try harder to be "better" than her.
I honestly think your BF is an idiot for having problems with someone who has had a tummy tuck and is disgusted by stretch mark - I mean WHO does he think he is dating? A REAL woman or a plastic barbie doll?
Don't let him be your guide as to whether you should lose weight, go to the gym and shape up or be happy as you are. It's YOUR body. If there are things you are unhappy about then YOU do the work to make YOURSELF feel better, don't let HIM decide if you are "acceptable" or not.
We (my husband and I) rarely ever talk exes - as they are in the past. I don't care to know about them. I do have a couple of exes and I don't talk about them either, but ... you couldn't PAY me money to talk smack about my first BF. And not because he was perfect, but because he made the biggest positive impact om my life - AFTER my kids.
Make your life about the positive things. LEARN to love the stretchmarks or at least accept that they are there and so what! And as to your weight, if you don't like the extra pounds then don't keep them. Work them off. It can be done. I gained 70 lbs after baby #2 and #3 and it took me a LONG time to get rid of, but I did it. I did it for me. Not for anyone else.
Put yourself first. Your BF sure isn't going to do that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 October 2015):
 If you are implying he still has feelings for her, you are probably right. People in love would stop being shallow. He sounds disrespectful to women, with his choice of words regarding women's often imperfect bellies. In a relationship I would prefer not to hear anything about exes, whether they are good things or bad things because to talk about it a lot means they are not over their exes. You don't need a boyfriend to approve and monitor your weight. He didn't mind his ex's obesity. He's just going along with your insecurity and he feels good that you are even trying to compete with his ex. For some selfish men, there's nothing better to be fought over by two women to earn the best place. Your concerns are misplaced. He doesn't love you and this is never a weight issue but a guy trying to have his ego rubbed.
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