A
female
age
26-29,
*ky33
writes:I just found out that my husband cheated on me. Him and I are "newlyweds" we married in may 2017 and his affair happened from February to early May 2017. He is in the army and he used to be based only 3 hours away from our hometown. He would visit me 2 weekends out of the month. In march we both found out we were going to be parents. I found out that the same day I told him I was pregnant he was sleeping with her. He proposed to me in April and still continued his affair with the other girl back at his base. We eventually married may 15th (I was still unaware of the affair). In June he was deployed over seas and I got a hold of his accounts and that is how I came to find out. I found videos and pictures on his Snapchat of him sleeping with the other woman. I ended up finding out who she was bc he had her blocked in all of his social media. I messaged her and she told me she didn't even know about me she only knew about him having a baby. He says he thought he had feelings for her but realized he didn't. It hurts me because if I would've know I was being cheated on I would've never married him. Now I'm legally tied to him, I'm having his baby in 3 months, and he's over seas. He says everything ended once he married me and that he can't live without me. I asked him for a divorce and he tried to commit suicide. He's on anti depressants now and on suicide watch but I don't know who I can forgive someone who hurt me and betrayed me in such a way. This is just the start of our marriage and it's already tarnished. I feel very depressed and heartbroken bc this was the man I thought would never do this to me and we were just about to start a family. Why wasn't the baby or the fact he got on one knee and promised me a life with him not enough to make him stop? I really just need some advice, I'm still very young, I could get a divorce and restart my life but another let of me wants us to work for our baby that'll be here soon. I just don't think any of what was done to me was fair.
View related questions:
affair, cheated on me, depressed, divorce, heartbroken Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (2 August 2017):
 OP, it's really an unfortunate situation.
It's better that you found out now rather than later so that you can make an informed decision on what to do next.
I hope that it all goes well with you and your child.
Good luck dear.
A
female
reader, Sky33 +, writes (1 August 2017):
Sky33 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dionee- he proposed to me in April. I just found out about his affair. I wasn't aware of his cheating before so of course I said yes. The girl is a fellow soldier there and their relationship was emotional. She stated he said he loved her. She would sleep over at his place and I never doubted him bc for the most part he would always call me before bed and he never gave off a different vibe to me whatsoever. He now says he never loved her that he just thought he did but later realized he didn't. (Something I don't believe) if it would have been just sex maybe I could get over it but idk if I can get over him loving another woman. She said she feels used bc he never wanted a relationship and it was just sex. Our sex life was perfectly fine.... I satisfied him in every way I could.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2017): He had it all and a little cream on top and now it is all falling away!But a brand new baby is waiting to be born and this baby knows nothing about daddas mistakes in life.This baby wants smiles and laughter and happy vibes.This new baby is well on the way!Perhaps you should divorce the old man as the marriage lasted only as long as the honeymoon.You might find that you just dont want to be a military wife as you have been let down enough.The relationship wasnt much about your feelings so you could tell him it wont matter that much to him.If you have an enormous amount of love for him and the new baby kick-starts a mature man in him who understand the meaning of commitment then you could forgive him and carry on.You will probably be the toast of the army if you can revive this broken wounded soldier!There are pluses to that also.Its a very strange situation to be in and I am sure people respect you for your loyalty whilst most are muttering about his stupidity!What happened to affair girl?Did she get deployed elsewhere?Meanwhile your little one is resting and your bloke has gone downhill.You could hang on in there and give him a penalty card until after the baby is born as you have had too much uncertainty.Sort it out after the birth!Give yourself six months to be back to normal.Tell him to shape up and grow up or ship out.He has help around him so leave it to the proffessionals to sort him out.Meanwhile keep your dignity.Apart from being married you have the eternal link of the child.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (1 August 2017):
You know OP, I really do feel for you in this situation.
We all cannot wrap our heads around why he would choose to cheat on you and propose to you while feeling absolutely nothing about what he'd done and continue to do until you found out.
I won't tell you to get a divorce and I won't tell you to stay because only you know how you're truly feeling.
He broke the trust that you placed within your relationship and it's definitely not an easy thing to repair so if you stay, be prepared to work on your relationship loads in order to get back to a place where you can begin to trust him again. You will need counselling and the willingness to do whatever it takes but you won't be able to do it alone. It would have to be something that you both want.
You mention that you thought he had stopped what he was doing once he proposed to you... does that mean that he was cheating before you guys were engaged and you thought he had given up his cheating ways? please clear that up for me?
I think that you need to assess your relationship. Do not let the fact that you're pregnant influence you to just stay because as a child born into a similar situation that you're in, I wouldn't advise that you grow your child up in a hostile environment. It has serious psychological effects on a child. That's something that you may want to consider. How would you feel and what would you do if there wasn't a child involved? Look, if you leave, you can still file for child support and alimony so you would still be able to see to and care for your child.
Do not get to the stage where you resent him before you make up your mind and do something because it won't be healthy for you and it definitely won't be healthy for your child.
You have to think about what's not only best for you but what's best for your child in the long-term.
I hope that you make a decision that is right for you both.
Good luck OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (1 August 2017):
 Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry you are going through this. What should be a joyous time in your life - your first child growing inside you - will now always be associated with these bad memories.
Despite what he did, could you still love your husband? He has broken your trust but, with work on both sides, you can slowly rebuild it IF YOU WANT TO.
Don't make any knee-jerk decisions. There is no rush. Not making a decision is a choice in itself. See how you feel once the dust dies down and your lovely little baby arrives. You have plenty of time further down the line to figure out how you feel about your husband and whether you can stay with him, or whether the damage he has done is irreparable. At the moment it is all very raw and painful but this will dull in time and you can then make far more rational choices for yourself and your baby.
If you choose to stay with him, he must tell you WHY he did what he did and he must work at rebuilding your trust in him. If you choose not to stay, then you must make plans for yourself and your baby and, if you really feel you cannot stay with him, then leave. Do not let him emotionally blackmail you into staying.
Also remember that any decisions you make are not necessarily irreversible. If you choose to stay, you can change your mind further down the line, just as, if you choose to leave, you can change your mind later and reconcile if you feel that is the right thing to do.
If you do choose to stay together, perhaps you could retake your marriage vows and then view THAT as your "proper" wedding, a new start, untarnished by the past? Just an idea.
Stay strong. You WILL get through this. Just take your time and don't rush into anything.
...............................
A
male
reader, ggartonok +, writes (1 August 2017):
Hey, sex is sex, not a big deal. He married the mother of his baby. Sex with another woman is lust, not love. He loves his wife and baby. She doesn't need to be so silly as to worry about a little sex. She just needs to love him and take care of him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 July 2017):
 Like you said your marriage is tarnished, there is no trust and he actually has used emotional blackmail to keep you staying in the marriage.
He might have ended it when he said I do, but he didn't tell you BEFORE the wedding and didn't tell you AFTER, not even when you found out you were pregnant, not even when he PROPOSED to you. So really HOW much remorse is there on his side? He is upset that he got caught. He is upset that you RATHER be a single mom then stay with a cheating lying husband.
Can this work? Well, that is ENTIRELY up to the two of you. Was the woman he cheated on you with a fellow soldier? or what?
How do you two plan on rebuilding trust?
I would advise you to FOCUS on your baby and YOUR health right now.
And WHEN he gets back ASK him.... "Why wasn't the baby or the fact he got on one knee and promised me a life with him not enough to make him stop?"
Go see the chaplain together and go from there. If you think you might WANT to stay with him, DO the work (same for him) that it will require. And I would start with counseling.
HOWEVER, if you find that you just can't do this marriage with him anymore, don't stay out of guilt or fear that he might take his life. Instead, TALK to his CO/Sgt if he threatens suicide again. He shouldn't be deployed if he is threatening suicide.
At least if he stays in the Army you will get medical for the wee one and child-support on time. Even if you divorce.
I would personally think long and hard about staying married but I would wait to let HIM know (if you decide to divorce) till AFTER he gets back to the US.
I see no shame in divorcing him. YOU didn't make him cheat. That was a choice HE made.
It wasn't YOU that wasn't enough it was him. He wasn't faithful enough, he wasn't MAN enough to be truthful and honest with you, he wasn't MATURE enough to NOT put a child into the world when HE might not be around to raise it because of HIS actions of cheating.
Think about it.
Do you go on base/post for your medical needs or in your hometown? If you go on base, call the chaplain (of his unit) and go have an informal chat with him. Most Chaplains hold couples retreats and do marriage counseling. If you want to wait till your husband gets home, do that. You have enough on your plate getting ready for a baby. BUT do sit down and figure out WHAT you need from HIM in order to begin trusting him again (if you decide to stay).
I'm sorry honey. The whole situation stinks.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (31 July 2017):
This is a very sad situation for you,and i would understand that you are feeling down and unhappy and the fact that you are expecting a baby.Now first and foremost no way are you to blame for any of this.This was his wrong behaviour and will also his loss.However right now..You must focus on your own health and that of your unborn baby....Your baby and you come first...please remember that .You have enough to deal with on that level.Of course its not fair to you,and very difficult to deal with alone.Would you consider seeking the help of a counsellor,that way you will be able to talk thing out with her/him and get some help to deal with the hurtful situation you are in right now.Have you any close female friend that you trust to discuss with .Is your mun/dad living near of a sister.brother.Because you need all the help you need and get you and your baby over the birth.Yes you are young,but soon you will be a mum and the best interest of your child comes first.So at the moment maybe its not wise to make any major decisions regards your husband.....time will sort this out.He must deal with his own health issues.Its most important that you get help and advise to deal with all the issues in this situation.Kind regards NORA B.
...............................
|
