A
female
age
41-50,
*tephsav76
writes:Hi Everyone,I meet this guy online February 2016. We meet up in March. We both have 9yr old girls, have stuff in common. We hit it off staright away. We meet up every weekend...days out with our children. By April it got very intease, we were in a relationship ready made family, by May he wanted to slow things down, saying we hardly know each other, and he always rushes into relationships and they don't work out,he wanted to build a friendship first. We both have had bad relationships in the past. His going through an ongoing custody battle with his ex, at the moment he as full access. His been going through the courts 8yrs. So I gave him space. Mid July I contacted him asking how he and his daughter are. We got chatting we started meeting up again, I went at his pace. By September/Oct and November, he was contacting me more asking how my day is,my plans for the weekend, how's my daughter, saying good morning every morning. We been meeting up, his been opening up more about personal stuff etc, more about his daughters mum, how's in in arrears with the council and they want to evict him, his brother passed away, he opened up to me about that, his talked about his family. I didn't say anything about were the relationship was going. We have had sex. He said he only sleeps with one women at a time. Weekend gone he asked me what my plans were, told him I'm going out. I spoke to him on Sunday (yesterday) and asked him how come you don't ask if I got chatted up, he turned round and said it's up too you, you can do what you want....cut a long story short I said are you talking to anyone, he said his been talking to one women recently. I told him I can't continue to have sex anymore, because I don't want to get a broken heart, as I'm starting to like him. He said his not with her, I said I know but your talking and that could lead somewhere, and he said yeah and it might not, but he understands. He said he hasn't had sex with her. I went on too say, I feel abit sad because I thought we were getting somewhere, hence all the meeting up and him texting me everyday even up too this point. Men normally start to disappear when they meet someone new, but do the bare minimum to keep u around. He hasn't. I said I know at the beginning you weren't sure about me, he said welcome to my world the last 20yrs I've never been sure and told me I shouldn't take it personal...lol bit hard too. My question is why all the contact and opening up etc if he only was looking sex from me??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 My guess is that he realized you both had a lot in common, he wanted a friend, someone to talk to as he needed to open up. He obviously was attracted to you as well but it looks like he doesn't want anything serious. That is probably why he pulled away the first time. Mixed signals really do make these things so much harder. Block him being able to contact you and wish him well.
A
female
reader, Stephsav76 +, writes (28 November 2016):
Stephsav76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice. But no one said he was married to the anonymous male who wrote that. I will be moving on from him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): I believe he got what he wanted from you now he wants to end things with you and start the same game with someone else. Probably this lead to the breakup of his marriage.I honestly think he used you and you have every right to be angry at him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): You answered your own question at the very beginning of your post. He read your profile. You both have nine year-old daughters, and share a lot in-common. It makes for a good friendship. Not necessarily a long-term love-connection; or lead to an extended-commitment. Sex was introduced into the matter, which comes more or less as a bonus. He set the pace of the relationship to suit his own lifestyle and his own convenience. He warned he rushes into
relationships. Letting you know he's taking his time and not sure if he really wants one right now.
You were dating. A series of dates does not constitute a committed-relationship, or even if it will lead to one. You have to communicate about that, and be direct. Dating is when two people court each other and enjoy each others company. There has to be a mutual-agreement to move to the next level, to be exclusive. My point being made here is, commitment is not implied; but openly and mutually agreed upon. Nowhere is that indicated in you post beyond your assumption that something was developing.
You also have to read the disclaimer in the profile. "Looking for long-term dating or friendship." Some people actually mean that.
He opened up and shared personal information, because that's what friends do. Venting so to speak. He revealed that his life is complicated and somewhat unstable. That's important information and allows you to evaluate his personal-life and where it's heading. Whether you feel that is compatible with your own circumstances, and complimentary to your lifestyle. How his problems may impact your life.
I didn't read a lot that seemed to be the makings of a healthy relationship, if you ask me. Especially the child-custody issue, debt problems, and threat of eviction. That should have given you pause. Eight years of custody battles?
He still has a tumultuous unresolved relationship with an embittered woman. Also to be considered a built-in exit-plan. Baby-mama drama issues.
Then he introduced another female into the picture, as your tentative replacement. Once he knew things were getting too serious. So there you have it.
If a man mentions he's talking to another woman, just assume they're having sex. It's best to err on the side of caution for your own benefit. He can say they're not, how would you know if it's true? The odds are 50/50.
The relationship may continue as a friendship, if you so care to. Otherwise; he should be handed his walking-papers. He doesn't offer you a bright future; which more importantly should enhance, not bring complications into your life. That part would/could adversely affect your daughter's life. She should be happy and carefree; no matter who you're dating, or how long. She depends on you to minimize the drama and instability in her life, as well as your own. The mounting problems in his life was nothing but dead-weight for you.
Consider this a reasonable ending to a short-term love-affair, and shift it to the friend-zone. At your own leisure and personal-convenience, it can be terminated.
When to introduce someone to your kids is a matter of personal-choice. There is no set timeline. Only when you feel things are set and safe enough. A stranger shouldn't suddenly show-up and the kids have no idea who that person is, for their own safety. You definitely limit access as a precaution.
At this point, with all that you know, the ball is in your court. It doesn't matter whether he was only looking for sex from you. You consented, and you wanted sex from him as well. We all must learn that sex doesn't necessarily seal the deal, it sweetens the pot. Sex is likely to occur somewhere down the line between two consenting-adults; and may not mean the same thing to both involved. That's the risk we all take when we decide to have sex.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 This hardly is a guy or female thing. We open up because were human. It sounds like he met you and there were so many things in common, he couldnt help but just express who he is. It sounds like he likes you but his heart is not entirely in it or else he would be pursuing and trying to win you over. Since hes not your boyfriend, break it off, friendzone him and stop sleeping with you. Its your body and you can sleep with anyone but it sounds like you were sleeping with him hoping for commitment. Men dont work that way, they can sleep with anyone and anything and feel no attachment. I think he cares for you and in some ways, hes illustrated he was interested at times, but the pulling away meant he probably isnt sure about you.In all that time dating though, were you taking care of you? Id say date a few guys at once, pursue your career, focus on your hobbies, focus on looking good. You have to keep opening yourself up to new opportunities and def new men.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 November 2016):
 Honestly? I think he was looking for a friend more than a sex-partner. But I don't think he is/was looking for a "real" relationship. I don't think he is there yet.
Seems like he is keeping his options open with you and then this new girl he is talking to. Maybe in case, he needs a place to live since he seems to be close to being evicted?
I think when a guy starts pulling back and wanting "friendship" he is basically saying he wants you around, but not to date you seriously.
If you are looking for a BF, he isn't it. He has way too much drama going on in his life to make YOU a priority.
And if I were you I'd wait a LOT longer before involving your daughter in your dating life. At least wait till there is an ESTABLISHED exclusive relationship. She is 9, which is a VERY impressionable age. Which means I'd give a relationship at least a good 9 months to a year before introducing a man to my kid.
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A
female
reader, Stephsav76 +, writes (28 November 2016):
Stephsav76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked my guy can he ever see himself being in a relationship with me he said this:
He said he dont know, it's not its not that straight forward babe. Babe im not saying I can't be with you or I wanna be with someone else. Hard to explain over the phone.
That's his extract words. So I will leave it, get on with my life.
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