| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ok, why do I just "have to accept" porn in my life? My boyfriend jacks off to porn. Sure, our sex life is great, and believe me I don't mind quickies or gettigng him off without anything in return. But why does he have to look at other naked women? I don't do that! I don't look like them, and unfortunately no ammount of "I don't love you any less" is going to take away the feeling I'm being compared. There are scientific studies which have proved that after looking at perfect looking women, men feel less attracted to their partners, pretty much the same way that after seeing images of perfect women, women themselves feel uglier.I always hear from everyone to just get over it, let him do it, he's doing nothing wrong, quit being a nagging bitch, JUST ACCEPT IT and move on. What if it bothers me? Does that not matter? Are his feelingss the only ones that need to be understood and accepted? Why do I have to change for him, why can't he change for me?He always tells me to just quit nagging about it and accept it, that other women aren't like that. Well I don't care about other women, he's in a relationship with me, and this is how I am. Just like he's telling me that if I don't like it I shouldn't be with him, well, likewise!I love him a lot so I don't want to leave him, but why do I have to change even more for him?!? I say even more because I have made a LOT of sacrifices for him, I've stopped doing things that bother him, I've quitted things that I enjoyed just so that he'd be ok and secure. For instance, I enjoyed listening to certain bands, their music I thought was awesome, but my boyfriend linked my enjoying that music with my past, he thought that whenever I listened to said bands I reminisced of my exes or whatever. It wasn't the case, I tried explaining, but he didn't get it and he insisted that it meant something and blah blah (we're both very musical). I stopped listening and I don't miss the music, I happily adjusted for him. I also stopped talking to some male friends he didn't like.See, I've made sacrifices. Why can't he stop looking at other perfect looking naked women? It makes me feel bad, obviously. I have cellulite on my ass, and as you know cellulite is not something entirely fixable. So if he looks at women with no cellulite, he's obviously going to like that better. He has already made comments about my cellulite. See my point? Why is the porn more important than me? He defends that shit so much and gets so angry if I say anything about my discomfort with it, so it makes me feel like he loves the porn more than me. He's not addicted though if you get that impression, and I'm not uptight in bed so don't blame that on me. I do whatever he wants, including anal and facials, so there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): Gender war or not, porn still remains an aid to masturbation and as such one of the safest outlets of sexual tension. It would have been far easier on all involved if it was postulated as simply this.
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female
reader, _Katy_Did_  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 "If you don't want your man to cheat on you, let him watch all the porn he wants, because it keeps him out of actual physical cheating..."
Ok. Didn't read that before. Pisses me off to no end. So, you're saying that if she doesn't let him watch porn, it's ok for him CHEAT? Are you crazy? Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought that a relationship was about more than sex. I thought maybe loyalty, honestly and trust might have come into play somewhere in there. But, according to that logic, I guess I'm wrong. And that's really sad.
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female
reader, _Katy_Did_ +, writes (25 March 2010):
Ok, I have no advice to give here. But I just have to say it's so refreshing knowing that someone has the same viewpoint on this as me. Why should we just have to "accept it"? I can bet that if my boyfriend found out i was watching porn (which i don't) he'd be jealous and upset and tell me to stop. But if I asked him to stop, there's no way he would! I'm sick of "a man's needs". I'm sick of "it's just hardwired in". Why does that give them an excuse to make their partners feel like crap? In my opinion, looking at porn is next to cheating. They're looking at naked women by themselves so they can get off.
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reader, manperson101  +, writes (23 March 2010):
OK, fair enough female anonymous... I was quick to attack that question. The whole arguement around porn is annoying but I should have taken an object view. Like almost any guy I've watched a bit of porn and to have that forbidden is very irritating. For guys, we see porn as a meaningless time filler (I do anyway) or even stress relief. I'm much more interested in intimate time with my partners. I think most guys see themselves as innocent when they watch porn like they're not doing anything wrong.Clearly, a lot of women have a big problem with it; whether to do with the arguements about it degrading women or just general dislike of their man watching other women etc.This is obviously a touchy subject with lots of extreme views but before you dive into another row over porn or forbidding him from watching, try asking him not to as a favour, or to just cut down for you and explain how it makes you feel, maybe offer to give something up that makes him mad; maybe drinking or smoking.Rather than taking an extreme standpoint, look at his side, decide if its worth pursuing, come to a compromise and dont just prohibit it!Good luck anyway!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): hey, i really understand your pain and dislike for porn.. it hurts us as women to know that we go above and beyond to please our partners n they still find the need to view porn.. i suggest u start doing the things you like to do and stop fearing what he thinks. this is something that is out of our control.. u can't b there 24/7 to make sure he is not doing it.. worrying so much will make u go crazy. so just learn to love urself n let him c that he is no longer the center of your world!! i wish you the best of luck in this journey of finding yourself again!! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): Manperson really has no idea does he. I for one know in my heart that I have never had a sexual fantasy about a man other than my husband since the day we met 13 years ago. It ridiculous to use the arguement that if men can't have porn they will cheat. Basically it's threatening women and saying let us disrespect you or we will cheat. You talk as if men are infantile teens with no self control. Women have every right to expect a man not to use porn AND not to cheat.How wouldmen like it if women said " make 1000 dollars perday for usor we will cheat, absurd.Porn dogs grow up!
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reader, manperson101 +, writes (5 March 2010):
Surely its better he lives his fantasies out through the internet and his head rather than cheating or getting bored with you and leaving. Get over it! If you feel fat and ugly do something about it! diet, run, gym, surgery, wear nicer things?! Although, be aware he may just suddenly have an erge to watch interracial down syndrome midgets; and it would take a serious lifestyle choice to change to satisfy that yourself.The only time a woman has the right to feel high and mighty about porn is if she's never had any sexual fantasies not involving her partner.Stop being so judgemental and selfish!
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reader, SydH +, writes (23 February 2010):
 I really probably more than anyone understand where you are coming from. We are about to start premarital counceling tomorrow I am SCARED that she will side with him "JUST GET OVER IT" "IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU" I can't just get over it and hiding it from me IS NOT a fucking compromise and there is NOT a compromise in sight. WHAT THE F*** I get to feel UGLY FAT UNWANTED WORTHLESS FLATCHESTED LONELY EMPTY and HE gets whatever he wants. I do EVERYTHING IN BED. I am STLL not good enough. Why do you need porn when you fu*k 4 times a day? Why do you need porn when you have a fiancee that loves bondage and dressing up for you and everything else. NO FAIR. MAYBE I just won't have sex with him anymore and give him a reason to NEED porn because I don't think he wants me.I am SO sick of people taking HIS SIDE.I feel DISGUSTING. It's not like he looks at regular girls of course not because I DON'T meet HIS standards. I never will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): i feel the very same way. i thought i was the only one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): Well, maybe hard to localize me between all the other fem anons, but Im for porn and Im 24. I watch porn myself. Sometimes even with my boyfriend, and I think its great. The women and men are for most part not my taste, so I usually turn to hentai (cartoon porn) in the end if I can't find any decent looking real humans.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): just out of random curiousity i wonder what the ages are of the women who have posted here. i think women over say 40 are far more tolerant and understanding of men looking at porn than younger women. i think it is because maturity gives us a different perspective about ourselves and our men. i also think its because older men handle the issue different than younger men. older men and women get it on both sides. to older women they see that for the most part it is an aid to wank. and men get that they dont say rude and humiliating and degrading things to their women. the understand that a warm body that you love is far more desirable in reality, than porn. hey ...fan club???? oh please dont say that loud enough for you know who to hear....mal
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reader, FyreFlie +, writes (18 February 2010):
im with you. i dont put up with it either.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
 "But TTM, why would they drool over something they don't want in real life?"
Did somebody mention Q again?...
The answer of course, is because it's fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): "But TTM, why would they drool over something they don't want in real life? That's what I don't get... plus I've seen so many websites where guys drool over porn stars/actresses/singers/models/whatever and they're all like "I'd love fucking her" or "I wish my girl looked like that". That's what I don't get. Why do guys drool over things they wouldn't want? It doesn't make sense. Why look with desire and lust at something that you wouldn't like in real life?"
It is something that we might wish we could do or would like to do, but would never actually do it. There is a difference between wanting to do something and wishing that you could do it. I might like the thought of being a movie star, but would not want to do it because of the time away from home and living apart from my wife for long periods. I might wish that I could be Lance Armstrong, but have no desire to devote all of my life to training and touring the world and putting out the almost superhuman effort to achieve that. If I could just take 3 weeks out of my life and be the Tour de France winner then I would do it. If I could have sex with some hot movie star or someone who I know who is very hot and not have any downside or repercussions then I would likely do it. In any case, the fantasy is likely better than what it would be like in reality.
As to wishing that my wife looked more like some movie star, yes, it would be nice. However, my wife is attractive and has a nice body and I am happy with it. She knows what my idea of a perfect body is and is fine with it. I know what she thinks might be better about me and are fine with it. We would both change to have that perfection if we could, but don't think about it or obsess over it. She is not going to make her boobs any bigger and I'm not going to have a bigger penis or a more muscular physique. No one is going to be perfect for their partner, so we might fantasize about perfection. Would it be nice if my wife looked like Jessica Alba? Damn right. Do I care that she doesn't? NO.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Looks like q's fan club is heating up again. He'll be impossible for a few days. ML and I know how disquesting he can be when his head starts inflating, makes me kind of throw up in my mouth a little bit.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
hahahaha.. your getting slow Q.. was waiting for you to notice that.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
I plead 5th amendment cause Q paid me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): oh puleeze....who's swooning? not me and eyes are we eyes....eyes? what are you doing down there on the floor honey? oh brother...i wish i could remember that throw up in your mouth thing you say....anyway its just desquesting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Clearly you are not happy with this man. If porn is such a hangup for you, leave him and move on. He is not going to change.
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reader, Illithid +, writes (16 February 2010):
 To the fem anon: men will sometimes fantasize about things they don't want. I dream about being president, but I wouldn't actually want to be president. I think about being a millionaire, but I know it would cause a whole new set of problems. And yes, I think about wild sex with a girl with a perfect 10 body, but that's not who I'd want to marry. Porn is just an exaggerated hyperbole of sex, not realistic.
I have three comments though. First off: we men watch porn for the fantasy, not the actual girl. For me, it’s all about the fantasy that a woman would be that excited about sex, enjoy it that much, be that horny and wild and slutty and into blowjobs or kinks. It’s not about the girl, it’s about the idea that a woman would be so recklessly sexual. So male in her sex. No foreplay, no cuddles, just a quickie. That's not what I'd usually like, but sometimes it's nice.
Second: even if a guy IS dating Jessica Alba or whatever A-List perfect 10 supermodel, he’ll STILL look at other women, still be tempted to look at porn, still masturbate. It’s got nothing to do with how his girlfriend looks, only just that he’s a male that’s still breathing. (And really, what woman doesn’t fantasize sometimes about celebrity males?)
Third: I agree with Celiaaletta that port stars are generally not even attractive. Some are, but they’re the vast minority. I can’t even watch half the porn out there because the girls are turnoffs… I just settled for decent enough girls so I could enjoy WHAT they did, not what they looked like. I VASTLY prefer a girl I love’s body to some artificial porn star body. Seriously... and that's ignoring the boring, rote, redundant sex script that every porno seems to follow.
But the porno is to men as romance novels are to women or cartoons are to children. Fantasy. Hyperbole. A diversion. But NOT life, and not even what any of us really want out of life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Female anon, it's not that. It's that I want him to like my body the most. He can appreciate other women's bodies, but it hurts that he thinks a lot of fake sluts have better bodies than mine, which is all natural. Plus, I would change personality traits about him. If I could make him less jealous and obsessed about my past, I would in a heartbeat! But those are things that are within his control. He can change them. My breast size, hair color, eye color, etc, are not withing my control, it's genetic, I didn't choose my genes, and I can only change all of it if I do artifical stuff, like breast augmentation. Which men don't like, so I'm screwed. He likes looking at fake boobs, but he's never touched one, so how could I know if he'd like the results? Plus, what if they end up looking bad, my body rejects them, etc., etc?
- OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): But TTM, why would they drool over something they don't want in real life? That's what I don't get... plus I've seen so many websites where guys drool over porn stars/actresses/singers/models/whatever and they're all like "I'd love fucking her" or "I wish my girl looked like that". That's what I don't get. Why do guys drool over things they wouldn't want? It doesn't make sense. Why look with desire and lust at something that you wouldn't like in real life?
- OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): OP I didn't read TTM's response the way you did. You made what he said into him wanting to change his wife in a heartbeat had he been able to. Thats not what I read into what he said. To me what he said means he loves his wife for who she is. If her sex drive goes up: great, that'd be fun. If it goes further down: too bad but he'd stick around. It's not a desire to change, its an acceptance of what is. And added with a sprinkle of pure logic.
Its great for YOU that your boyfriend is everything between heaven and earth for you, but not every couple are obsessing their partner like that. And it'd perfectly normal not to. Like I said before, I believe beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I think my boyfriend is the most handsome man on earth. He also has a bit of a temper though. Do I wish he wouldn't get as angry as he can get at times? Yes. Do I want a man who never argues with me? No. I don't want to change my boyfriend, but Im not going to say he's absolutely puke-able perfect either. There's loads of stuff you dont like about your boyfriend too! Yeah its not the physical part of it, but you'd still wish he'd change and do this or that or not do this or that.
Another thing, my boyfriend is a bit on the heavy side. Would he look even hotter if he lost weight? Yes. Would I leave him for someone with the body of Adonis? Never. Even if one thing would make our partners hotter or "better" if you like, doesn't mean that the lack of this, or the decrease of this makes them ugly or anything near that. My boyfriend will stay the most handsome man I know even if he added on weight.
I don't know how to explain this to you, I guess maybe it's something you learn to understand with experience, or you need a certain type of mentality. But nevertheless, it's true. It's great that you love your boyfriends body so much he's above all else in the universe, but you can't set how you feel about him as a standard for how he should feel about you. What next, are we going to start finding out who loves whom the most? Just relax.. you think differently from your boyfriend, and just because you looking at other men would equal you no longer loves his body, doesnt mean him looking at other woman equals he doesnt love your body. Probably he still does, but he's capable of also appreciating the looks of others without worrying that this will interfere with his feelings for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Vintage, I guess the simplest way to put it would be that I don't like him masturbating while watching other naked women. I don't know, it's not jealousy, but I just don't like that fact, I can't help it, it's how I feel, he's the only naked man that I ever see, so I don't understand it well I guess. It may not be cheating in my book, but it still feels like he's getting pleasure from others. And also because he has said those women have better bodies than mine.
- OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): OP, Why does it upset you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Vintage, I never said porn was cheating. Cheating means having physical contact with other women: a lapdance, kissing, fucking, etc. Just because porn upsets me doesn't mean I think it's cheating.- OP.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 February 2010):
I'll bet he loves your sternum more than any porn star's. I'll bet that's what he truly thinks about when he's wanking. Yep sternums....yum.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Q, that was such a sweet post! It really made me smile, thanks!However, I'm starting to feel maybe I have a mental problem or whatever, since I just can't feel the same way you do. I've seen many guy's websites and such and real men post on forums and stuff and they all drool over chesty women and say they'd like it if their girlfriends were like that because they could tit fuck and stuff. I just feel terrible. I just wouldn't change anything about my boyfriend, physically, as I said he's perfect in my eyes, even more perfect that my lifelong celebrity crush! If Ed Norton knocked on my door and offered me a night of wild sex I'd honestly say no because I find my boyfriend so much more desirable. It feels awful. Maybe I should go to counselling because all these answers make me feel like my head is screwed up for wanting him to find me perfect. I know he loves me for other reasons, but that makes it feel more like I'm his friend or something. I want him to lust for me. Sure, he may find others attractive, but if he found me more attractive than them, it'd be awesome. What do they have that I don't? I never talk about other guys, I never stare at other guys, because I don't feel the need. That's what kills me the most: what do they have that I don't that makes them superior in his eyes?It's like he picked me just because we live in a small town thousands of miles away from Hollywood where you might find one of these perfect types. Like he had to settle or something. That's how I feel. It's like sure we have similar interests, I play guitar, I'm creative, I'm not dumb (I'm quite smart), I make interesting conversation, whatever... but I'm sure if he could have all that wrapped in a perfect 36-24-36 body, he would. It's like what TTM said. He wouldn't have wanted to marry a woman with a higher sex drive. But he would like it if his wife had a higher sex drive. If he could change that about her, he would, in a second. Likewise, maybe my boyfriend doesn't wish he was with the busty porn star. But if he could magically make my breasts bigger, he would, in a second. And that's what I find upsetting. I wouldn't change anything about him.- OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): I have read lots of posts on DC on porn but I do not think I have ever answered one, mainly because I just don't get why if a man looks at porn, is it thought of as cheating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): this post is real eye~opener for me. i remember in the early days and years of my marriage, thinking that if my guy loved me then i should fulfill him in every way. he shouldn't even glance at another women with admiration. i had a brother in law that did quite vocally and it really made me see red. still does actually. (he's more of the "flaming turd species"...but even while i felt strongly about what my guy should do, i noticed and commented on handsome and hot men. not meaning that i would rather have them...that never entered my mind. talking with my girlfriends in his hearing, talking about the new dentist in town, the new checker down at Safeway...
but i held him to a different set of standards because i KNEW i wasn't wanting the other guy, but if/when the tables were turned i immediately felt betrayed and felt that he would rather be with them. i remember one time specifically and that is because i am married to a man who is not one to stare or talk of other women by nature. he's quiet and reserved usually. we were at the lake one day grilling burgers and up from the lake and near the pavilion where we were came a woman in a bikini. i noticed her before he did and i decided to watch his reaction. *he didn't have a chance poor guy* he looked up from the grill and bingo! he saw her. and his eyes followed her for a good few seconds before he guiltily shot a glance at me and saw me watching him. i was furious. honestly furious!!!!i confronted him at home, and i bet he had no idea what she looked like, couldn't have picked her out of a line up. but i was devastated. i felt betrayed. some weeks later i brought it up again and he finally said, OK, I'm sorry...but you do that all the time. you mention the dentist, the checker..etc. and i don't feel cheated on. i know you don't want them...and i didn't want her either. i am a MAN!!!! i notice women. but i LOVE YOU!!!
i wont say that it never bothered me again, but i saw things different after that. its human nature. its the nature of the beast. i love what celiaaletta has said. I'm not a big fan of porn personally. but it is make believe. in his mind it is pure fantasy. you are the flesh and blood reality. he is free to leave at any time and pursue someone with different physical features. its you that appeals to him. i love what Q605 said, and i think it is very very true. i married very young and had a 21" waist. 5'9" ...flat stomach, long firm legs. and now 27 years later i have a 28 in waist and nothing is flat or firm. so what? i see it in his eyes that he is crazy about me. he isn't the 21 year old stud i married either. to me he is much more attractive now than he was then. i love what TTM said. he knows and his wife knows there are others out there that have more "perfect" features... but true love sees so much more than physical features. when women realize that, the issue of porn becomes much smaller in our minds. the feelings of inferiority, insecurity fade against the test of time with the man you love. we are so much more than bodies to them. we are the heart and soul of life. porn is a poor substitute for that darlin' ....when you can see that, you will find peace about the imperfect body. the body will not cause him to leave you...your endless nagging and questions and insecurities very well could. good luck honey, mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): "Stop asking him questions like that. Leave it be. He has shown to you that he will be painfully honest with you, so just let it go. That, or end the relationship on account of his being inconsiderate.
He doesn't just come out of nowhere with his opinions then, right? You ask for his *honest* opinion, no?
If he comes out of nowhere, then he's back to being a flaming turd."
Exactly. Don't ask a question unless you want an honest answer. Don't ask if your butt is big unless you can stand the honest answer. And even if he says, "You betcha." it doesn't mean that he doesn't like your butt. If you asked if your boobs are big and he said, "You betcha." would you be upset with that?
Besides, so what if you are a 34B and his favorite is a 36D. That doesn't mean that he would want any woman who is a 36D more than you. If he has a 5 inch penis and your favorite is 7 inches, would you instantly drop him for the first guy with a 7 inch penis? Would you wish that you could be with that guy instead of the one who you care about? No one is going to be perfect in every way. Besides, what is perfect to one person is not to another. What a person likes to look at is not what they want to cuddle up with every night. Most men like to look at 34G boobs, but many, perhaps most, would rather cuddle up with someone who is 34B or 34C it they had the choice. What a guy drools over is not necessarily what he wants every day.
My wife and I both know what the other finds as perfect and neither of us are perfect in every way. So what? If I found a woman with the perfect boobs for me or the perfect butt for me, she would probably be inferior to my wife in ways that are far more important than boobs and butts. My wife never had as high of a sex drive as I did. Do I wish I had married someone with a higher sex drive? NO. Do I wish that my wife had a higher sex drive? YES.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): May I add in that this man is making up excuses and hiding himself behind what "all men" supposedly think? No, not all men like big boobs. If he really put's it like that then I suspect he KNOWS it's not a good thing to tell you, but he likes big boobs, and in an attempt to cover over his inability to appreciate your boobs to the fullest he hides it as a man-given right to love big boobs. Like all men love big boobs and therefor all women with smaller boobs shall always feel that they aren't completing any mans dreams of the perfect woman. It's simply not true. You can tell him that the next time he tries to pull that off: not all men love big boobs, and there's plenty that would love your boobs for exactly what they look like. Maybe you should find some of these guys and rub it in his face?
I stand firm by earlier words though: if he's not treating you like someone special to him, then leave and find someone who will make you feel like a goddess. But as for his cellulite comment, it sounds more like he's just trying to help you out with your problem, a problem you have that he doesn't have, so that you can leave it alone and he'll never have to listen to you complain about it ever again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): He never tried the "you're the best looking girl in the world" approach. Ever since I asked the first time he told me they were hotter and I should just deal with that. I asked him even if they have fake boobs, and he said yeah, because all men love big boobs. I don't know. Maybe it all sounds worse in my head becuase I'm the girlfriend in question.
- The OP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): Celia,He hasn't openly said "Your boobs are too small go get implants". He has said, "Hm, since you've lost weight, your boobs seem smaller... is there anything you can do or eat to make them a bit larger?". Or with cellulite. He knows I hate it. Once we had sex and afterwards I was getting dressed and he said "I know you hate your cellulite. Is there anything that you can do about it?". He didn't just say "That cellulite is disgusting, go have surgery". That's what I mean with he hasn't openly criticized me. I've asked him if it's a problem, he's said "No, I love you for other reasons, not your body". I've asked him, for instance "Would you rather I had 34D boobs?" he's said yeah. Likewise with the cellulite. He has also suggested me doing squats and such so that my butt gets rounder and bigger, without me ever even mentioning my butt, though. He says it's just to improve things. None of this makes me feel sexy in his eyes.He has told me porn stars are hotter and whatnot, and that I should deal with it. He's directly said that they have better bodies and that I should just get over it.- OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): I agree with the anon female who posted. See, ever since I saw Ed Norton, I was in love. Handsome guy. Great body, nice face, not too perfect looking like Brad Pitt and the others.I still think he looks great and is hot. But do I think he's hotter than my boyfriend? No, not by any chance. My boyfriend has the most beautiful skin tone, the nicest thick, dark brown hair (he had it long for a while and I WISHED I had that hair! Major hair envy back then...), the longest, cutest eyelashes ever, the deepest, strongest dark eyes I've seen (how I love staring at those, and what a tingly feeling they give me down there if I stare too long), his straight nose (covered with cute and sexy freckles!), the softest lips that I've kissed, his charming smile (so youthful, yet naughty), that perfectly medium sized torso (I don't like guys too big nor to small for my size, and I'm medium sized too... he's a bit bigger than me, which is perfect), covered in chest hair (I don't like artificially hairless guys, you know the ones that wax and such, it's like being with a woman), those strong arms he puts around me, his thin hands that I love to feel against my skin, his round, firm, perky butt, his muscular thighs, his a little thicker than average penis, which gives me so much pleasure when used right. He's just a few inches taller which makes him perfect to kiss and try new sexual positions. I swear just thinking about him, physically, makes my blood rush!See, I just described him from an exclusively physical point of view. I see good looking men when I go out, I'm not gonna lie, but none of them has that "je ne se quois" that my boyfriend has, none of them turn me on by sight, yes they look good but if I compare them, the other good looking guys always come up short. He's just that hot to me. Just by thinking about his eyes and everything else, I start to get that sensation. Not even thinking about Ed Norton puts me like that. I know other women wouldn't look at my guy like that, but that's how I feel, and that's how I compare him. And I can't help comparing him. He's just ideal for me, physically.Now, if I feel like that about him, why would it be so impossible for him to feel the same way about me? He has noticed my cellulite, small breasts, less than firm tummy, etc. He hasn't openly criticized them, but he has said things which I know means he's noticed. When I've asked him if it's a problem he says no, if I ask him would you rather I didn't have this or that, well, he says yeah.Maybe there are more factors and variables to being an attractive woman than there are to being an attractive man. I don't know. I even saw this disturbing website once where a man has a full, almost scientifical description about what makes a woman beautiful and what doesn't (even skull shape and such). If you're interested google 'feminine beauty'. Anyway, the thing is I think he's hotter than my lifelong celebrity crush, so why couldn't he think the same of me? Maybe it's because I'm in love, does that mean he's not in love with me? Of course not, that would be silly to assume, so I don't think love has anything to do with physical attraction. - The OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Troubledtoomuch, I have to disagree with you a little. Im sticking to my perhaps naive beliefs that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and not a general measurement. That means no one can be more beautiful than the other because it all depends on who's looking and what they like/feel about the person. Physical pretty-ness, sure it can be there, but that doesnt make them beautiful. Beautiful to me is more than just physical appearance, and I know for a fact when it comes to me, when I have feelings for someone other people wont come close in comparison. Like with my boyfriend right now I think he is the most handsome man Ive seen. Sure there are others guys that are handsome in this world, but none of them come close to what my man is to me. For others, sure they can be more handsome, but not to me.
Our ideas of what is beautiful differ a lot, from person to person, from one culture to the other. And it depends a lot on our feelings for each other. I dont see a need in ranking people on a scale of 1-10, it is pointless to me. Because character can make a man so ugly, as well as so beautiful, and physical appearance alone does not tell me much about someones beauty. In the rare cases where I can look at a man and find him beautiful like artwork, without knowing him, I bet you none of my friends would rank him at the same level as me. Just because we all like different things. So again, having a scale of 1-10 is subjective and not objective. I dont think anyone is more beautiful than others based on this. I alone am not capable of judging objectively.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): OP, even though your boyfriend is a flaming turd (credit to celiaaletta) for openly comparing you to porn actresses when it obviously bothers you so much, you have to realize that a few of them are very attractive and likely hotter than you. While most of them are not that attractive, some are. For you to think that you are more attractive than all of them is not realistic. No matter how attractive any woman is, there is someone who is more attractive. It is possible for someone who loves you to think that you are the most attractive woman in the world, but that would be very rare.
I think that my wife is very attractive and let her know it, but there are women who we see who are more attractive than her. She realizes that and doesn't care. She is happy with the way that she looks and I am too. She knows what I like and she knows when I think that someone who we see is hotter than her, even though I very rarely see anyone near her age who can compete with her. She is happy with what I think of her and how she stacks up against other women, even those better looking. All men and women have got to realize that there are people out there better looking than they are. Accept it and live with it.
If he does not stop his behavior then perhaps it is time to end this relationship, but realize that another man will sometimes think that some other women is hotter than you. If that bothers you so much then he should keep it to himself, but know that he will think it at times.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Well, I wasn't like this before. Not in the beginning. Not when he started with his freakin' jealousy and trust issues (over my past, my very insignificant and DISTANT past!). I've had to put up with a lot more than what I've put him through, I tell you. He's probably a million times more insecure than me but won't admit it, and yet he expects me to be secure?
- OP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Um, what does that mean, Q? That the porn stars are indeed hotter than me? I mean replace "Does this make my ass look fat?" with "Is she hotter than me?". Not that I hound him as you say, but that's what goes through my mind when he looks at porn. Is she hotter than me? Well, according to what I got from your last post, apparently they are, aren't they?
- OP.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): I think beingblack does a good job of explaining how most of us watch porn. We aren't really comparing the women to our own, certainly not in a piecemeal fashion -- I seldom even remember what they looked like. What men are after is a visual aid to their fantasies of over-the-top, highly sexual behavior.
Most women's sexuality doesn't quite work like that; they want to feel deeply loved, not deeply ravished. Nothing wrong with that, but there is a mismatch there between most men's sexuality. Every man (OK, most men) has a part of him that would like to fuck every attractive woman in sight. That's not the whole story; they often also are in love with a particular woman, love their kids, etc. People are complicated. But men do tend to have that desire for rampant, largely anonymous sex. Porn provides a way for them to safely cope with those feelings without (hopefully) wrecking their love relationships or home life. Sorry if that wrecks our image, but men are what we are.
Porn women act in a highly sexualized manner because that's what men want to see -- they are women pretending to have male sexuality. (Some may -- it's a big world, and the women who are in porn are a small percentage. But probably most are acting.)
You should put up with it for the same reason you put up with our needing to use the lavatory: it may not be appealing, but it is part of who we are. The first step towards happiness is to stop stuffing round pegs in square holes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Ok, here I am again. I totally agree with Q, here, Celia. I am a straight woman, but trust me honey, you're HOT. I can only see a small picture next to your answers, but you look pretty good there. So yes, you can probably feel way prettier than most porn stars.I don't come close to blondies in porn, or as I mentioned before, Aria Giovanni. My boyfriend has a huge crush on her. I know I'm not disfigured... well that's one of my best pictures anyway 'cause I was all smiles. But I don't know... maybe facewise I'm really OK. But body-wise, hm But yeah, small boobs, cellulite, big thighs and such...Anyway, Celia, congrats on your positive view of your body and porn. It must feel great.- OP.
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reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (10 February 2010):
 I want to guide these 'girls' or 'women' who object porn. The real problem is never touched, is the problem of HAVING SEX WITH LOVE.
Love is feeling of admiration, acceptance, and at height almost as 'worshiping feeling', about sex itself, and about partner with whom sex is shared.
To have sex, is most easiest thing, once one decide to have. But to have sex with love is not easy thing, it required true vision about sex, and about love also. It is advisable for both-husband-wife, to have true vision about sex and about love. Once they experience real power of sex and love, then mind will demand some higher thing, higher than porn.
So I choose straight to advise here, to learn Tantra Vision.
All complaining details, describe in this post will lost all its negative effect, and acquired all positive about life. There is no harm in learning this Tantra Vision, but there is all good with knowledge.
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reader, Beingblack +, writes (10 February 2010):
 I have had four tremendous private conversations with some of the females here about porn.
The way that women view porn is completely different from men. For some reason, womens eyes appear to be drawn straight to the porn actress. They look at the actress in a critical way. What is her hair like? How big are her breasts? What shape are they ? How attractive is her face? What sort of figure does she have? How long are her legs?
Then women seem to compare the analysis of the actress to themselves. They will always come off second best. Why? Because they are comparing themselves to an actress!
A film is a film is a film is a film. Doesn't matter if it's romantic, comedy, action, horror, or porn. The actors, especially the 'good guys' will be lean, muscular, square jawed men. The heroines are incredibly attractive women, who benefit from make up specialists, an unlimited wardrobe budget, and great lighting.
An average porn 'film' is run along the same lines, actors seem to have big, er, muscles, and the actresses are made up to look fairly good.
I have watched loads of porn films in the course of my life, but I admit I get bored pretty quickly. I am not a huge porn fan. I cannot tell you what the women look like, to be honest, I never seem to see a lot of their face. I can tell you exactly WHAT they were doing, and this is why I believe most men watch porn.
To see an actress getting ravished in all her orifices, and seemingly LOVING IT, whoa, what a turn on.
Now ask me - how long were her legs? Dunno. How big were her breasts? Dunno, but big I guess. What colour was her hair? Probably blonde? What did she look like? Dunno. What was happening? Now I can tell you EXACTLY what was happening! Try understanding what guys see. No need to compare yourself to an actress in any type of film.
The angry anonymous female has a great point. I don't watch porn at all these days, I have something better to watch. My partner regularly makes videos of herself in various rooms around the house, and at various times, with her favourite dildo. There is something incredibly sexy about a 'normal' great looking mother, coming in from work or her latest shopping extravaganza, setting up a camera and explaining how hot she feels, and how she couldnt wait to get home, and she is not prepared to wait for you, so watch this. Or how she doesn't talk at all, just hurriedly gets on, like masturbating is all that matters. She also switches on the camcorder when we get to bed. How hot is that!
It is definitely worth trying, especially if you want your boyfriend to jack off thinking about you, and nothing else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Alright Q, I will try to help this girl. As the evidence in this debate has come forth, and as many others have pointed out, it isn't porn that is the true issue here. Its the boyfriend. First off he puts her down, and second compares her to fake women in porn. Third he freaks out about her accidentally seeing a naked man, fourth he has stopped her from listening to music she likes.
OP, I don't think the problem really is the porn, and your man will not change for the better if you take the porn away. He will still do all these things to you and forbid you to listen to your music and maybe then some. No doubt will he still put you down, and find some other women to compare you to so you will feel small and worthless. He fails to make you his number 1 in life, he fails to make you feel special. Why are you even with him? You do not say much of the relationship you have with him, but I am afraid that this man is not good for you. Not because of porn, but because he acts like a twat.
And yes, if he truly did love you, he should give up the porn for you. Might not be easy, but it matters a huge deal to you after all that he's put you through. Does he love you? I think not. He tries to control you, your moves, your eyes, your thoughts. Whereas he is free to do whatever he pleases. That does not sound like a loving and good relationship. I advice you to leave this man. You may find later in life that you can be happy with a new man who treats you right, even if he too watches porn. Or perhaps, you are scarred for life. In which case I dont think I'd blame you after hearing how he's treated you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): A vibrator damaging clitoral nerves? LOL. Where on earth did you get that one from? It sounds religious to me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Lol, Q, that's a bit of a mean suggestion. I'm pissed, but I wouldn't like putting him through the same thing he's put me through. He'd completely FLIP. He flipped because I told him that long ago, back when I was 15 I accidentally walked in on my sister and her then boyfriend having sex. I didn't even know him back then, yet he flipped because I'd seen this guy naked. That time I opened a door (why didn't they put the lock?!?!) I saw them and immediately closed the door and left. Yes I saw that guy's penis. But it was an accident. Yet to this day, he's hung up on that. I never liked that guy, always found it annoying and was very glad when my sister broke up with him. But my boyfriend decides to ignore that and just focuses on me having seen him naked. I can only imagine how he would react if I told him I wish he had a bigger penis (even if I don't mean it).
- OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): porn has nothing to do with your boyfriend acting like a douche bag. porn is not the issue that is causing your angst, you just choose not to blame the real problem which is your boyfriend.for him to tell you that you were not sexy as such is unconscionable to me. to my knowledge my husband does not look at porn or wank. i suppose i could be wrong. i am probably considered average in looks and size. i would love to have a bigger bust and smaller hips, slimmer thighs...but in fact i have all the things that come with middle age. in spite of all of that i think i am a confidant sexy woman, and i dont think its egotistical to say that i see it on the faces of men that i come in contact with. i have no trouble with feeling inferior to other more "perfect" women. i think a smile, confidence and the use of the feminine attributes that you have would do more for you than a larger bra cup or smaller smoother hips. i have watched my husband in a roomful of beautiful women search with his eyes until he found me. i have seen his eyes soften with love. if your guy isn't making you feel special and loved then your relationship is already over. back to the issue of porn, i think real men only use it as a supplement and not a replacement. i don't see a lot of harm in that honestly. mal
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Have you ever considered that the reason your boyfriend thinks these women are "hotter" than you is because you are so insecure that it makes you unattractive? Men find a lack of confidence extremely un-sexy. Maybe your constant questions about these women and his porn habits are starting to make you look needy and insecure.
Also, have you ever considered that it's watching the act of sex that is what turns your boyfriend on rather than the women? When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I accidentally found his "porn stash". At first I was a little offended. On the cover of a DVD was some blonde bimbo with perfect boobs, zero cellulite, not a single stretch mark to be seen, etc... I felt comfortable enough asking my boyfriend about it, and he informed me that the majority of guys think the women in porn are GROSS and PLASTIC and FAKE! He said, in all honesty, it was watching the act of sex and thinking about doing it with me later that turned him on. He even admitted that, when he watched porn, he was more turned on later in the day and more likely to have sex WITH ME!
Upon hearing this, I offered to watch porn with him. I got to pick out what we watched, and found that I actually really enjoy it. Despite the perfect bimbos with their plastic surgery, I enjoy it. How do you explain that? Millions of women watch and enjoy porn, too! And I sure as hell we are not turned on by the "perfect women" either.
I don't exactly know what you want us to tell you. You say you have a great sex life and that your boyfriend has not replaced watching porn for actual sex with you. So... what's the problem? So what if he might find the women more attractive? Can you HONESTLY say you have never walked down the street and seen a guy who is more attractive than your boyfriend and acknowledged that you had that thought? I don't think so. Just relax.
I can guarantee that, if your boyfriend loves you and you have a good, healthy relationship, he doesn't care about your physical flaws and would rather have sex with you than anyone else. Calm down, talk to him about it, and maybe watch some porn yourself before you jump down his throat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Please, will you open your eyes, dear OP? You first wave around with a "scientific" test that isn't anything but a made up article (if I told you the moon was a cheese would you believe that too because its written in an article?). Second, vibrators do not damage the nerves on your clitoris... This you "heard" again somewhere, but it's not true. Even if YOU chose to not have a vibrator it doesn't mean that HE shouldn't have his fun toy.
And then yes, the only defense you have left: he said they were hotter than you. Well you know what, he's being an ass and is not really representative to the male population. And you are being fooled into his manipulative ways. Get out and find someone who makes you feel like the hot girl I am convinced you are. This man must have done something to completely ruin your self esteem. You dont need him. Porn is okay, ranking you as lower to porn is not okay.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Dear poster, the reason we all attack you on here is because you come off as so snobby and harsh, swearing all the time and arguing. I find it offensive what you say. Like you talk on the behalf of all women or something. You dont. You can only talk for you.
"If a woman is more of a 6 or a 5, like me, she'll always be feeling bad. Of course, because we compare each other, and society tells us we have to be like this or that. That's why I don't read romance novels, or women's magazines, and stay way from shows like Oprah and such. I know I'll end up feeling worse about myself, AND wasting money int he process."
Reading that just adds fuel to the fire of this ludicrousy. No, not all women range themselves on a scale from 1-10. The fact that you do says a lot about your insecurities. Even more so is the absolute insanity that you wont even read romance novels? They are without pictures. Still you have to compare yourself to women in novels... That goes beyond me. You can't even watch the tv, afraid that someone prettier than you might appear. You are constraining yourself, and seriously... seek help. Go to therapy, so that you can lead a normal life. This is not said to be mean, but you are telling us you are so consumed with this that you can not even read novels, watch tv shows, or even read womans magazines. You are seriously self conceited and have enormous insecurities that prevent you from living as normal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Ok troubledtoomuch, what is the point? It's full of hot babes and I'm nothing in comparison. As I said I'm not HOT. What am I supposed to do just grin and bear it? How am I supposed to feel sexual and great if I'm so damn ugly by men's standards? IT SUCKS!!!! What can I do I obviously don't control his life, I can't I have no right, so what am I supposed to do then? As I said, I'm more of a 5 than a 10. What do you suggest? If he'd pick a porn woman over me for sex then what's the point in having sex with him anyway? What can I do if I'm genuinely ugly? What? You're defending porn and guys' rights to ogle, so tell me, what is an ugly woman supposed to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): "Are you honestly saying you prefer to fuck a 132 lbs, 5'5, brunette, with cottage cheese thighs, a somewhat flabby butt and small B cup breasts over, say Aria Giovanni?"
Nope. I would take Aria Giovanni. For one night at least. Would I take her over my 5'5 125 lb wife? Yes, for 1 night if my wife would let me, but I wouldn't give up my wife for her.
Then there is that hot babe with the nice rounded butt and DD boobs that he saw at the mall yesterday. Oh no, now he is not allowed to go shopping at the mall. He might be thinking of her when he is jerking off.
What about the hot young babe at work. Whoa, is she nice. That body is about as perfect as a guy could want. I'll bet he could wank his weenie while thinking of what she would be like to cuddle up to in bed. Time to quit that job and find one where there are just guys working.
Then there is the babe who lives in the next apartment. Time to move. Etc, etc, etc.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Hi, its me again, the slightly annoyed female from the first answer to this post!
You asked later on why men have to watch pron with other women? And that you want to do everything for him sexually? So why would he need others? There's a very very simple answer: you probably haven't made porn for him.
Line up a videocam, buy a vibrator and do yourself and give it to him. Then make more with him included if he wants that. I am positive that if you give him as much variated porn as that he can find online (including the double anals you probably wont like, and the huge dildos you probably wont like) he wont go looking at porn with other women, but at porn with you in it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Q, while we disagree, you've been helpful and you show to be a strong minded guy, which is a very good and somewhat rare trait. But no need to get exasperated really. You get the upper hand. As women we may complain all we want about porn, but ultimately it's still a man's world, so there is always going to be porn everywhere. Don't worry, I may hate porn, but that doesn't mean my man will ever stop watching it or that porn will suddenly get banned or something. I already know he'll never stop watching it not for me. I just feel sad that he needs to see these other women. Maybe if he jacked off to normal looking girls. I know that some women find that worse, but I don't. It's reassuring. There was a time in which he went through a phase of amateur porn. I never felt threatened by that and even saw a few videos with him. It made me feel like he prefers real beauty, sexually speaking. But him preferring to masturbate over pictures of perfect women, hurts. Especially since he has a lot of pictures of me, and not just me, us (he likes playing pornographer from time to time... he takes pictures of me doing things to him, etc... see I told you I'm not uptight lol).
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Flynn,
I don't own a vibrator. I've heard they desensitize the nerves around the clitoris to the point some women can't even orgasm without one. Why would I lose my natural ability to orgasm because of some stupid vibrating dick?
What then? I don't have a vibrator, so he can't complain. I'm not speaking in behalf of all women, just myself. If other women own vibrators and are bothered by porn, shame on them for being hyporcritical. But I'm not willing to break my clitoral nerves just for the sake of having an orgasm.
Sincerely,
OP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): The fact that he needs other women to jack off. I don't mind that he masturbates, I masturbate (although I think of him). He has pictures of me. Even if he jacked off to thoughts of other women, I'd never know. While with porn, there are traces, porn is tangible, it's real I can see it. His mind, I have no access to. That's the thing. It's not that he jacks off that bothers me. It's that he looks at perfect looking women to do so. These women, despite being airbrushed, are real. They exist, they have families, they have names, they have a life. There's a one in a million chance he'll ever meet one in real life, but the chance exists. I can see them. I can compare myself to them. He has said THAT THEY ARE HOTTER THAN ME, physically. I am a woman. Why do you think they put pictures of skinny women in women's magazines? Why, because for women INSECURITIES SELL MORE THAN SEX! If sex selled more women's magazines, they'd just put naked pictures of men. But they don't they put skinny women, and 7665 ways of improving your hair, waist line, oral skills... because they know women can't help but compare themselves to other women.
A woman can be stunningly hot, get a lot of men drooling over her, but she will inevitably compare herself to every other woman she sees. If she's a 9 or a 10, she'll generally feel good because she'll compare to other women and come up winning. She'll feel superior, even subconsciously. If a woman is more of a 6 or a 5, like me, she'll always be feeling bad. Of course, because we compare each other, and society tells us we have to be like this or that. That's why I don't read romance novels, or women's magazines, and stay way from shows like Oprah and such. I know I'll end up feeling worse about myself, AND wasting money int he process.
Appearance is really important when it comes to sex and you as men (since you're visual) can't deny that. So if a man is masturbating to pictures of stunning women, you can't tell me that's not something you'd like in real life! Are you honestly saying you prefer to fuck a 132 lbs, 5'5, brunette, with cottage cheese thighs, a somewhat flabby butt and small B cup breasts over, say Aria Giovanni? Honestly? I don't think so. And that's what sucks. I am loveable, loving and kinky, but it doesn't mean I'm hotter than some bidimensional picture.
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reader, Beingblack +, writes (9 February 2010):
You don't have to put up with your boyfriend looking at porn. You honestly don't. You can ask him to stop looking at porn, and he might. But what you can't do, is stop him from 'jacking off' full stop.
And the thing is, that men are visual. He is going to jack off. We all do. Every man, repeat, EVERY MAN masturbates. I can hear a crescendo of female voices over the ether, indignantly proclaiming 'my man doesn't'.
OH YES HE DOES!
So, while you don't have to accept porn, what you must do is accept that he is going to jack off, and he's going to do it more often than not, while he is looking at something. You have some options. Images of actresses? Trees? Clouds? Images of yourself perhaps? But wait, you don't like the look of yourself, do you. So what would you allow him to look at? Or are you really just trying to stop him from jacking off?
What scares you most? The thought of him getting excited enough to ejaculate, and you are not what he is thinking about? Or the fact that despite your best sexual efforts, the man you love still needs to jack off?
Welcome to the real world.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): (OP again...)
Q, no need to get offensive. You treat anyone that doesn't agree with you like they're inventing crap and maybe they're not. I haven talked to you in such tone, so please don't do that to me. Maybe it's not your intention. Anyway, there are quoted studies there. I have no access to them, but they exist. Just like the studies which prove males drive better than women, and no man I know has called those crap. I was just saying, it makes sense.
What man wouldn't find a cellulite free, busty, slim woman more attractive than your average Jane? My boyfriend for one already admitted he does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): We guys aren't allowed to complain if you use vibrators, despite the fact that we feel that we alone should be good enough.
Consider this the your equivalent. If women get to use sexual and mastabaory aides, then we men get to use our porn accordingly.
Sorry.
Flynn 24
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): (OP here)
Anon male,
Maybe you think your wife is twice as hot, but I'm not. He's said, and I quote: "Women in porn are physically ideal. Maybe they're dumb as shit, but thay have to portray this image of the perfect woman. They are indeed hotter than average women, just like porn actors with their penises". At which point I stopped him and disagreed with him. At least, to me, and most women I know, porn actors look gross. They have a huge dick, but that's not a guarantee of great sex. Most women I know prefer a normal looking guy. I for one think hairless guys are unattractive. Greasy looking men, are too. Male performers in porn always look dirty, greasy, sweaty. They have huge muscles, which I don't particularly find hot either. I don't like fat men, but I don't want a borderline bodybuilder either. And sometimes they have awfully dyed hair, and 95% of the time, UGLY faces. I don't care who you are, I don't care about your 9 inch dick or your muscular abs, if you have a freaking UGLY face, you're out of the question. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is cmpletely hot in my book, even hotter than Hollywood actors or whatever. I think he's the hottest, why can't he think the same of me?
Anyway, the thing is he thinks they're hotter. I asked him after that "so... they're hotter than me?" and he said "Well, yeah... but I also told you they must be dumb as shit!". Um, honey you're not going to have a conversation with them, so who cares if they're dumb as shit? But he can drool over them and become desensitized to my body thanks to them, so yeah, and it's a huge ego blow to hear him say they're hotter anyway. As I said, there are studies which have proven this contrast effect, let me quote:
"The contrast effect. Have you ever noticed that after you have eaten a piece of candy, an orange tastes sour, and an apple tastes bland? If you hadn't just eaten the candy, both would have been perfectly enjoyable. The way we perceive something depends on what else we have to compare it with. The models and actresses who appear in sexy pictures tend to be unnaturally attractive because they are selected from a pool of highly attractive women and made to look even more attractive with makeup, surgery, soft lighting, flattering poses, photo touch-up etc. Their attractiveness may also be enhanced because of the seductive way they dress or behave. Because these women appear unusually attractive (even in a non-sexual way), the viewer becomes subject to a contrast effect. This means that, after viewing such artificially enhanced beauties, a man will perceive the real women in his life to be relatively unattractive. Research has shown this effect to be real. For example, in a study called "Influence of popular erotica on judgments of strangers and mates" (Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 25: 159-167 [1989]) in which men rated the attractiveness of average-looking women (in photographs), those women were rated significantly lower for attractiveness by men who had previously looked at pictures of unclothed women from a popular magazine, than by men who had not. In a similar study called "Contrast effects and judgments of physical attractiveness: When beauty becomes a social problem" (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 38:131-140 [1980]) women rated for attractiveness received lower ratings from men who had just watched Charlie's Angels than from men who had watched a different television show."
http://pornographyinmarriage101.blogspot.com/2008/08/can-porn-make-your-wife-unattractive.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Personally I think it's your insecurities and something that you need to tackle yourself rather than trying to blame him.
Who ever said these women are perfect? My wife is twice at hot (at least!) but I still enjoy porn because it's visual, sexual and a quick release.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): hey! I completely agree with you. Porn is not acceptable in a relationship. I wouldn't put up with it, he should only have eyes for you! :-) I mean fair enough for the women who accept their boyfriends being a complete perve. Every girls different, some girls want threesomes, some swing etc etc but my boyfriend may aswell wank himself off whilst in the company of a prostitute as that to me is same as porn, I don't care what my boyfriend did when he was single or with someone else but we are in love and are both sexually pleased so why should he be watching porn?? As I know of my boyfriend doesn't look at porn anymore, and I believe him. Porn is pure filth these days, it completely degrades women and uses them as objects and is just one step away from prostitution so its not something I think should just be acceptable. If he can't change for you then he can't be happy with you and therefore you will never be happy with him. I'd talk to him about it again and tell him it bothers you and if he doesn't show any care or consideration to elimnate it you should get rid of him and leave him with his dirt. Good luck!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): (OP posting again...)
Why do men need to look at other women so much? Why do you need to go to other women for satisfaction? I can see the very useful aid that can be for a single guy. But if you have a willing girlfriend who does everything you want in bed, who isn't selfish when it comes to your pleasure, why do you have to continue to look at other naked women? I'm not perfect physically but I give him more sexually than a lot of other women. Why am I not enough? Why am I inadequate? Is it my less than firm ass? My cellulite? My small tits? WHAT THE HELL? Why does he need them why does he defend them so much? Am I less important than them?
Yes, when he has wanted a BJ with no complications and giving nothing in return, I've done it. I'm not demanding otherwise. I am a whore in bed. I love pleasing him. It's something that makes me happy. I love giving him oral, anal, whatever he wants. So yes, it's a bummer for me that he takes that thing that makes me happy away from me so that he can get pleasure from other women (basically he is, wanking to their plastic tits and all).
And I don't think porn has anything to do with fidelity. You can watch porn and be faithful, yes. You can also watch porn and cheat. Likewise you can be a cheater without watching porn or stay faithful without watching porn. Fidelity and porn have nothing to do with one another, I believe.
And I'm not a man hater "all men are dogs" kind of woman. Don't label me like that, please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): You don't have to change for him if you don't want to and he doesn't have to change for you if he doesn't want to. If both of you are so hung up and dissatisfied with the others habits then perhaps you are with the wrong person. This does not sound like a happy relationship.
Relationships are full of compromises. What if he were to compromise. He stops watching porn and just wanks off in private. Would that be fine with you? How about if he wanks off and imagines that he is having sex with the woman he saw at the mall yesterday. Would that be fine as long as he doesn't tell you what he is thinking? What if he only watches porn when you are not around to see it? What would be fine with you? There must be some middle ground.
Perhaps you can negotiate listening to your music vs him watching porn to find a middle ground for both of you. However, the real answer to both problems is for you and him to both try to get over what bothers the 2 of you and allow the other to do what they want. I don't see any problem with either of you doing what you want. If it really bothers the other then do it in private or when the other is not around. You could easily listen to your music through headphones even when he is around so that he can't hear it if he hates it that much.
If none of this sounds reasonable to you then just leave him. You are not likely to ever be happy otherwise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): (OP posting)
Ok, empty-1, fair enough, but he's asking ME to stop doing things I enjoy. Why can't he do this sacrifice for me? You're right it's a huge blow to my ego. As a woman, I'm sexual. As a sexual being, specifically, as a woman, I'm an innate exhibitionist. I want to feel desired and wanted, nothing turns me on more than turning another man on! Seeing him get turned on by these perfect women makes me feel less attractive. How come I have to suck, lick, kiss, and touch -the point: make a big effort - in order to turn him on but a bidimensional, lifeless picture can give him wood in NO TIME?
Also, you mention that men get intimidated by these women, like "Why would SHE want to be with ME?". That means that these women are indeed seen as perfect, so perfect that they feel inferior to them as men. So they have to settle with someone who isn't as perfect? Is that the point you're making? That a man must be with an uglier woman in order to feel confident?
I don't know, I just think it's unfair. I don't get turned on by naked men, I don't masturbate thinking of other naked men, I don't even own a vibrator. It would be a huge blow to his ego seeing he is the most insecure man I know too (why else would he have me stop listening to a band just because it makes him think of my past?).
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male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (9 February 2010):
First reason you should put up with it: If you don't you're going to spend the rest of your life being lonely, insecure, and self rightous. 92% of men look at porn. 5% look at porn and lie about it, 2% of men are blind and "read" braille playboy (seriously, there is such a thing!) and the last 1% are those few poor invalids who cannot choose to watch anything in particular for themselves.Men are visual creatures. That's the way we are hard wired. There are shapes to a womans body that we find sexy.There are, however, a few things that most women don't get.First, there is the fact that almost any guy will find very "plain" looking females very sexy in even a state of semi-undress. Small breasts, large thighs, some poink and jiggle, and a little cottage cheese do not really detract from that anywhere near as much as you are afraid they might.Second, there is the fact that when we look at images in a magazine or on a computer screen, those images have to compete with the real 3-d image we have in our mind of our incredibly sexy girlfriends! How in hell could a picture turn us on anywhere near enough to get over the top when we've got recent memories of actually having sex with a real live woman? The only way is to overexaggerate the attractiveness of the image. biology tells us that men are programmed - hard wired to find an hourglass figure, with round hips and bottom, thin waste, and large breasts attractive. These are the hallmarks of a fertile and fit mother, and they are the cues men still look to in evaluating the attractiveness of a potential mate. However, in order to come anywhere near being good enough as an image or picture, these traits have to be so exaggerated as to be quite UNATTRACTIVE if encountered in real life!Third, is the very real truth of the fact that most men wouldn't want one of those busty scandanavian teenagers, even if shge were hot to trot. There's a significant level of discomfort that comes from several fronts. For example; "I'm afraid I'd break her" is true. So too is"what would someone like -me- ever do that someone like -her- wouldn't laugh at. Men are both intrimidated by, and afraid to really relax and let loose with these impossibly "perfect" barbie dolls. They're great to look at, but not to actually do anything with.You have nothing to worry about. Seriously. If you are feeling unattractive and insecure, that's a problem you are going to have to settle within yourself. It is neither his responsability to provide you with those feelings, nor is it healthy for you to seek them from him. You need to learn to have that confidence and awareness of your own sexual self if you expect him to be at all attracted to you.I understand that this sort of thing can be a shocking blow to your ego, however, I think you need to realize that he got together with you for reasons that were his own. Among those will very likely be that he thought you were sexy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): ..because the more porn he looks up, the more you have him right where you need him, even if it's not where you would necessarily want him. If you don't want your man to cheat on you, let him watch all the porn he wants, because it keeps him out of actual physical cheating, which is what all guys are tempted to otherwise do, because we're all pigs by nature, and you can't change the way he thinks as a guy. To a man, watching porn is no more exciting than playing video games, but women don't want them playing those either, so we have to do something to keep us sitting on our asses. Another way of looking at it is that girls like to cry watching love and drama movies, and guys find that wierd, but we don't say, "Hey, quit it", so let him have his wierdness, since it's only on paper or a screen anyway, just like a silly love movie. Trust me, the guys who don't look at porn are the ones who go out and get the real thing everywhere. It's the ones who try to hide what they do that are the bad guys. Hope this helps. Peace.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): No need to get offensive anon female. Plus if what he does with his penis is his business then he could easily cheat and that would be no problem right? No strings attached and it's his penis so just his business.And he's made me change, read the whole thing before you judge. And make up, what a dumb comparison, if anything make up makes me htter for him.}Good for you on having no problems with porn, no need to make me feel like I'm weird, like I'm unhealthy. As I said I'm a real freak in bed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): PS. why would he try to adjust to you when you've been following his wishes about music and friends etc? You change because of your own desire to do so, doesnt mean he will have the same desire to change. Too bad for you, I suggest you start listening to the music you like again and stop taking orders.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): If you are that stuck up on it demand that he quit, or kick him to the curb. I honestly don't see the problem with porn though. Unless your man is an immature idiot, he will understand the difference between fantasy/porn stars and real life. Plenty of women fantasize too! Come on, when you masturbate, do you only think of him?? In that case you are in the rarity, and there are few women like you! Does nothing else but HIM turn you on? In that case, you're one of the rare few as well!! You don't want him to look at porn because it's not you and they are fake? What of he asks you to stop using makeup because "it's not you and makes you look fake"? Would you?
I think you're being obsessive, but each to their own. Just know, most people on the globe with a healthy view on sex do not have problems with porn. You're one of the few women who have this rage against it, so try to find one of those few men out there who never watches porn and never w@nks off. No one's telling you YOU have to change for him. You can dislike it all you want! No change! Accepting doesn't mean liking. It means that you can't always have it your way. Just like I am sure, he can't always have his way either. But honestly, what he does with his penis is his business. You don't like it? Then find another boyfriend who is more perfect in your eyes.
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