A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:found out husband has been on internet porn communicating with numerous women for over a year secretly. as we have had very little sex for over 7 years I find this not only extremely humiliating and painful but an insult to how attractive I am as some of these women were older and larger or smaller than me. I have stood by him and put up with no sex even though I have tried everything to get him interested. he was on the porn when babysitting our 8 and 2 year old in the same room. we have a 19 year old daughter some of these girls were younger. i have lost my daughter as she does not want to be at home. i even went to relate last year to find out what i was doing wrong!! he says he knows we havny talked for a long time cause he couldnt but after trying in this relationship for over 19 years why should i try now after what hes done just because he now wants to please help!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2007): Hi Anonymous,This is one of those questions that people will find it difficult to comment on without knowing both of your side of the story. Obviously there are some big problems in your marriage for the both of you to feel and act in the way you are feeling. The best thing you can do is both go to relate and work on your marriage. It takes two to make a relationship work, and if either or both of you have given up trying then there is only one real answer to that. You are rightly angry and fed up with trying, but I guess you must decide whether or not you want to try again, both go to relate and attempt to work through the marital problems. Your relationship may be on the rocks but if you are both willing it is certainly possible to bring back the love.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (6 April 2007):
 Hi,
OK the deceit and lies are part of the painful fact of your husband looking at porn. That hurts and no one can stop that for you unfortunately.
We always look at ourselves to see what is wrong with us rather than what is wrong in the relationship.
Sounds to me that things changed in your sex life after your children were born which is the exact same thing that happened to me.
When men feel pushed out by the children they look elsewhere to get their kicks. The internet is so easy that it is the thorn in a lot of women's lives unfortunately.
I had been in my relationship with my ex for 15 years before we had my daughter who is now 6. The dynamics of the relationship changed and she became more important than him. There was a lot of stress going on at the time being self employed and trying to buy our rented home so it all fell onto me with a baby under a month old back then.
I could not give him intimacy on any level when I was not getting emotional support and so when she was 7 months old he started talking to someone online. The porn viewing had always been there but became more and more and less time was spent with me and our daughter.
Excuses for time away became the norm and I felt like a single parent.
Your husband has no morals at all if he can view porn in the same room while he is babysitting your children. I would be mortified if my daughter saw anything like that and you sound the same as me. His lust for seeing this is more important to him.
When you went to Relate, you both should have gone as there are 2 people in this relationship.
When things went from bad to worse for me I found out he had been seeing someone, not fully sexual but the deceit was bad enough and it would have gone that way it was only a matter of time, I found out by accident seeing messages on his email when trying to send some files to a supplier when he was out one day.
He now knows that you are no longer prepared to put up with it and he knows what he stands to lose. Leopards do not change their spots but for your own peace of mind and for the sake of your children, insist on both going to Relate to at least talk it through with an unbiased professional.
It costs but not that much and if they feel you both need or he needs additional therapy there is all manner of therapists out there including sex therapists so check out all your options first.
The main thing is that it needs to be resolved for your sake and the children's regardless of his needs.
You don't have to tolerate anything you don't want to but get to the root of everything first and then make your decisions as they will change your life no matter what.
I split with my ex 18 months ago and he still sees this other woman but the counselling with Relate and individual counselling and also couple counselling has made me stronger and not bitter at all. It has taken time but we are now friends and I still work with him on our own business on a day to day basis.
Try and stay amicable so that the children don't suffer as warring parents always screw up the children.
Wish you well and always hear OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, agony_uncle_r +, writes (6 April 2007):
unfortunantly many people think that porn is just dirty pictures but infact its much more dangerous than a bit of titilation, it can become an addictive thrill, it feeds a fantasy world and that sounds rather like where your husbands been. like any addict everything has crumbled around him but credit to him as it seems hes noticed just befor it all falls away. i cant tell you hes worth fighting for as i fully understand your feelings of rejection n hurt. all i can say is remind yourself of what brought you together and if hes serious of getting back on track try to assist him.
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