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Why now? Was it an excuse? Will we resume? He has said we need to take a break to focus on our children

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 October 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 29 October 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am in love with a man, who loves me. I have 3 kids and didn't want him to get involved too closely with them so I made sure we started slowly.

He has 2 children as well but from different partners (A little niggle).

My question is he has said we need to take a break to focus on our children as he says he doesn't want them all to be confused about the living situation (strange...... lol).

Does this mean he wants to come back to me after this time apart I have called him and he just grunted back at me so Im confused as we love each other and don't know how I could cope with him being with someone else.

I don't want to keep calling him either lol so thought I would try ask for advice

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom + , writes (29 October 2015):

There are 2 very different answers, both good in their own way but I lean more towards Honeypie’s way of thinking that he’s looking for an exit here for some reason. Taking a break is never a way to fix anything. It means, in effect, let’s play single for a bit and pretend we’re not in a relationship. It’s a tactic that ducks the finality of splitting but puts off taking any action to fix the problems. ‘Taking a break’ is the polite way to describe dithering and delaying. Dili Chu is absolutely right that space is important, but you can agree to give each other space within a relationship and taking a break is something altogether different. Honeypie says that you should agree a maximum duration for this break, and that’s exactly right otherwise this will drag on and on. After this break, you need to talk and see where you are. Deli also commended him for putting his kids first and, again, I agree with her on that. What I find a bit strange, however, is that he’s saying the kinds of things now that you would expect at the beginning. He doesn’t want them to be confused about the living situation? Okay, well if you are living together (you don’t describe the situation), then it’s odd to be saying that after you’ve moved in or at least you’ve all been introduced to each other. He does need to explain why he’s now advocating caution after the event. He is saying the right things when it comes to starting out slowly, but it’s more worrying that he’s saying them now as a means of pulling back. I don’t see how he can have a new relationship with anyone if he gets frightened off by the enormity of it all at this stage, so at best there are commitment issues (even if he’s a lovely man), but at worst this might just be an excuse. I’m sorry. Don’t wait forever to find out: limit the break and ask these searching questions of him when the time to talk arrives.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, DiliChu United Kingdom +, writes (28 October 2015):

Hello, thanks for writing to Dear Cupid org. First, I would like to point out that it was good of you to take the relationship slowly to avoid your kids getting confused about everything. Secondly, don't be disheartened as your partner has suggested a break to focus on his kids. As you are both parents, your kids are also a priority in this Relationship and he wants to have a break so that he can spend more time with his kids and give then the same amount of attention as he gives to you. I would also advise you to be patient and avoid jumping to conclusions about him ending the relationship with you. A bit of space is also healthy for your relationship. It will take time. Don't keep calling him, you will annoy him and that's what you don't want.

Best Wishes

Dili Chu

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 October 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI'd back off.

It's hard to say if his intentions was to "Have a little break" or... to dump you in a "nicer" way than saying "I'm done". I'm leaning more to the "dumped you" because when you called and asked for clarification.. he "grunted" something at you... I mean what kind of conversation skills are those?

How long were you dating?

I have to say, I think it's smart to keep the kids out of the "dating process" specially until there is some kind of commitment - and some thorough knowledge of each other. When there are 5 kids involved BOTH parents need to be on the same page and know each other view point of parenting, boundaries, discipline etc.

So I'd back off and NOT call him. Decide how long of a break you wish to give him (let's say 2-3 weeks or whatever) and after that? If he doesn't contact you at all... Consider yourself single again.

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