A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can't trust my fiance. He constantly lies to me, breaks promises, and walks away from arguments and the relationship. We were planning on going through an LDR, but I'm not so sure anymore. Only a week or so ago, we went through a huge falling out, and he was upset I didn't have faith and optimism in the relationship. (Personally, I've never heard good things coming from LDRs). I told him, that I needed to trust in him, and trust that the relationship will last for me to have optimism about the distance. I found out he lied to me again, and he walked out from the argument again, when I told him we wont survive without trust, and all the lying is making me trust him less and less. He doesn't take it as a serious issue, told me how lucky I am to have him, and all the issues I have that he puts up with, and now I'm unsure if I even want to be married to him. Why marry someone when it seems sure you'll get a divorce? Someone please give me advice, I know I have my faults, but he has issues himself, and I'm unsure how to handle the situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): **OP** Thank you all you guys for your answers!! I appreciate every single one of them, and for reading my follow-up. My fiance is too good a person to let go of, we're going to try therapy to work on our issues. Hopefully then, we'll have better conflict-resolution skills, and be able to survive the distance. We're not getting married for another 2 1/2 years, so I have plenty of time to figure out if it's just a phase, or this is how he truly is.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 July 2011):
 I am in an LDR.. nearly 9 months now and so far so good BUT we are only 2 hours apart by car and are together more than we are apart AND as soon as we KNEW we were serious we made the plans to close the distance gap and hope by the end of the year to be together full time... so LDRs can work.
THERE are things that are needed to make it work
1. total open communication
2. HONESTY
3. TRUST
if you can't talk about any and everything in and open and honest way, it won't work
if you can't be honest with each other about everything it won't work
and if YOU DON'T TRUST, it won't work. YOU do not trust your BF now...
as for lying... my ex husband is a liar. once betrayed it's hard to ever trust or believe again....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): OP, you've only been together a year and a half, and you're already dealing with serious issues? Be thankful that he's shown you his true colors now, before you marry. If he's lying to you and breaking promises now, he won't stop doing so, unless HE decides that he wants to change. Stop waiting for him to do so and cut your losses. Ending a relationship with someone you love is always hard, but it's much easier to do before you're married, have children, buy a house together, and so on.
Also, you say he's not a bad person. But by telling you that you're lucky to have him because no one else will put up with your issues, he is consciously trying to undermine your sense of personal worth. If you let him, he will tell you this over and over until you believe it. By saying that you have your faults, you're starting to buy into his attacks on you. Don't let him undermine you any more! He is bad news, and you ultimately will be better off without him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): **OP**
It's not that he's a bad guy, he normally isn't. Just recently I feel like he doesn't care if we broke up, and that hurts a lot. It's almost as if he's trying to regain control over the relationship by acting this way...I'm thinking of seeing a therapist, as he's very experienced in relationships. But I dont know of anyone who's sought help after only being together a year and a half.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (10 July 2011):
dump this guy and move on- sounds like a classic case of manipulation that will turn to abuse.
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A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 You are asking "Why marry someone when it seems sure you'll get a divorce?". Are you still planing to get married to this person? On the wedding day you promise faithfulness and to stick together in good and bad days - until one of you dies!
You don't promise this things until you will get divorced!
If you plane to get married, only do it to a man you can trust, only to a man you want to be faithful - and only to a man you know you want to stay with also in bad times!
By asking this question, you actually know the answer to it already!
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A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (10 July 2011):
i would get rid of him you obviously can,t trust him and he,s not mature enough to stay and talk through your problems after a argument he sounds very arrogant to me
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 This is why people normally wait a while before deciding on marriage, and wait a while as engaged as well before marriage. To test the waters a bit and see how it goes. You now know that it would surely end in divorce, so why marry? Correct conclusion, you simply don't marry. You see the problems in the relationship, and while he might be amazing in his own rights, he's not a man you can see yourself living with until the day you die, you have enough insight to see that it would end in hurt and divorce.
The right thing to do would be to not marry him. Maybe you aren't ready to break up with him, but surely, hold off on getting married.
By the way, the line "you're lucky to have me, no one else would put up with you" or anything of that sort, is emotional blackmailing. It's a very low line to pull, and is said only to cover ones own mistakes. So don't take it seriously. If he can't respect you or the relationship then you aren't lucky to have him, you're stuck with him. He's the lucky one who gets away with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): Sounds like a manipulative lying creep to me.
Oh did I mention arrogant? This is not a man, this is a boy looking for a weak women to follow his demands and massage his ego. Dump him and find someone worthy- you are not lucky to have him, he is lucky to have had you, end this now. He has the makings of a possesive control freak.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): I don't know why someone would marry if they were sure it would end in divorce. With the deepest respect. You would need to be pretty daft to marry under those circumstances.
It sounds as if the relationship is suffering anyway because of lack of trust. A marriage would only compound the problems. If you are both committed to this relationship and don't see it ending. Could you maybe try living together first and see if that helps or makes things worse? At least a 'live in' relationship would be easier to leave than a marriage.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 July 2011):
 You already know your answer. You can't trust him, he turns everything on you, and he has problems communicating.
The only reason you haven't kicked him to the curb is because you're holding onto the insane idea that he will someday change. The truth is, he's doing you a massive favor by showing you these nasty things about him before you marry.
So, you have two choices. Either break up with him now, or marry him, have him mess up your life and your finances and your future, possibly bring kids into this nasty situation, and end up alone anyways.
Don't even utter the words "I have my faults". Don't do it. End it. A man who lies is not husband material. Period. Doesn't matter if you like to run naked through the streets or if you snore in your sleep. End it.
There should be no unsure. Be sure that if you continue, your life will be flushed down the toilet. That makes the choice pretty easy!
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