| A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone - I was just wondering if anyone could help me solve some family issues which I think are regarding my current partner.I have been with my boyfriend for a year and we are very happy. He basically has moved in with me (it sort of just happened naturally) but I still live with my parents and three brothers. The house has always been busy anyway but with my boyfriend I guess you could say it’s a little busier, however we do all of our own cooking, washing etc. My boyfriend does not pay rent although he has asked my parents multiple times if they would like him to but they have said no. Likewise, I have checked with them multiple times if it is okay for him to stay round all the time and they said yes. He is extremely friendly and chatty, always asking my parents how they are (to which my mum now rarely responds with anything other than a one word answer). We clean the house, drive my family members around and overall contribute to helping things run smoothly. For the last couple of months my mum has been very distant and cold. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her all the time. She snaps at me all the time e.g. I asked to move the ironing board to another room that she WASNT in so I could iron my clothes and she shouted at me in front of my boyfriend and dad and embarrassed me. She snaps all the time to the point where I avoid being in the same room as her or talking to her in case it leads to her having a go at me.Does anyone know what I could have done to make my mum act this way? Does she not like my boyfriend? If anyone has been in a similar situation could they tell me how they resolved it because I can’t take much more of this.
View related questions:
live with my parents, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): Oh heck no.Your mom sees what I see and you do not.Take off those rose colored glasses and really look.You and your brothers should be out of the house you are all grownups.To add your boyfriend to your household is not a good thing.He is in his mid twenties no?Look what he is showing you.He cannot make it on his own.He does not contribute one bit to expenses...be it paying bills or buying food.Are you going to fully support him forever?Why should your mom? All of you grown up kids are doing is sending your mother to a early grave.With all the extra work she must do extra stress it is only a matter of time.Grow up already.If you must play house move out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2019): Your mother is one of those kinds of people who has things on her mind but would rather show her anger than tell people what the problem is. She was probably taught as a child not to complain and pretend things are alright; or she allows your father to make most of the decisions, and won't go against him. She'd rather walk around with a bad-attitude and angry than openly disagree.
Truth is, she's tired of all of you; and wants you all out of her house!
Perhaps your boyfriend's being there and paying no rent is fine with your father, but it's not with your mother.
Avoiding her is the worst thing you can do. It's better to get her alone and ask directly why she gives short answers, why she is snapping at you, and ask if all this is because she really doesn't want your boyfriend living there? Questions that you know all the answers to; but she has a right to tell you to your face!
Don't let her avoid answering you, or she'll just keep being a pain in the ass, instead of just speaking-up. Although she has every right to show displeasure over everyone crowding her house and taking advantage of their kindness. Apparently which has run-out in her case! She's stirring the nest, and making everyone uncomfortable...it's passive-aggressive; but it's seems to be effective!
You and your boyfriend are taking advantage of the generosity of your parents. They are being polite by refusing to take rent, perhaps pride makes them pretend they don't need it. Each and everyone living in the house should be contributing financially. It would be nice if you both took your mother shopping, voluntarily paid the utility bills, and bought extra groceries; until you finally find your own place. Which should be soon. If you want to see her as her self again, try that!
Parents may allow you to live with them as long as you wish; but they aren't always happy knowing their daughters or sons are sleeping with their boyfriends or girlfriends in their house. It's different when they allow husbands and wives to stay a little while; as they save for their own place.
Your mother probably feels your boyfriend is freeloading; and technically he is. She'd rather show her dissatisfaction than just come right-out and tell you. Personally, people like that annoy the hell out of me. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say! Walking around with your ass up on your shoulders, suppressing your true-feelings, and snapping at people makes no sense.
Make her talk to you, and make your boyfriend give them money whether they say they want it or not. They're being proud, and she's not being honest.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 July 2019):
 Move out, having an extra in your home is fine for a short time but your Mum may now be thinking her house is not her own. Her kitchen is no longer her kitchen, you say you and your boyfriend do your own cooking, which suggests you don't even sit down to eat as part of the family.
If you are old enough to have a boyfriend move in (and all that entails including cooking laundry and sex), then you are old enough to move out and stand on your own two feet.
Your mother might be feeling a whole range of emotions, including guilt for the way she is acting, and while you say you are contributing in ways other than financial there will still be an extra stress.
Move out and ease things for your mother.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (11 July 2019):
 How old is your mum? Could she be going through the menopause? Hormonal changes at this time of life can affect some women VERY badly.
Is she like this with your brothers as well, or just with you? If it is just with you, then obviously there is something she is unhappy about. While your parents have refused rent from your boyfriend, could he not make up for this by, for instance, doing a big food shop occasionally, or giving your parents some supermarket vouchers? What about taking them out for a meal as a thank you for letting him live there free of charge?
As you two are already living together, why do you not find a place of your own and move out? Your mother didn't give birth to your boyfriend; you and he should not really be taking advantage of your parents' generosity.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2019): You have taken advantage of your parent's generous nature by letting him move in "organically". You are both still behaving as dependent teenagers and he is not even her kid!
Your mom probably didn't tell him to leave because she is afraid of conflict or something, but he really should get his own place.
Helping around the house is not enough to replace paying rent; and your parents' home was not even up for rent when he just started staying there all the time! You are both being very inconsiderate of your parents, though maybe you didn't realize it until your mom could no longer hide her resentment of him and maybe you. That is what you are noticing in her behavior now. When you take advantage of someone's good nature, they will end up resenting you, and not want a relationship with you if it goes so far.
My advice would be for you both to start looking and get your own place, ASAP. He offered to pay rent anyway, so you should, but somewhere else. Get a nice little apartment nearby if you want to visit often and continue to help with driving people around and stuff like that. Both of you should be employed, so if either of you are not, get jobs right away too. You are both adults, so start behaving that way and get your lives started on your own!
Hope this helps,
R
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2019): Clearly she is not happy with your bf moving in with them. I would be too if I was in her place. What a cheek? He doesn't contribute to the household expenses and I suppose he sleeps with you too. What a cheek? Free accomodation,free sex. No obligations. If I was in your Dads place I will kick his arse out. Yours too young lady.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 July 2019):
 Get her alone and talk to her.
Or, ask your dad. He probably knows.
It could also be that they aren't as "enthused" to have another person living in their house. While you asked for permission, they might not have thought he'd stay this long. While you two help out, it might still feel LESS like home with someone else living there too.
You are in your mid-20 and so is your BF? PLUS all your OLDER brothers still live at home too? WHO contributes to the household here? ONLY your parents?
...............................
|
