A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:After 8 months, I finally returned to the place I used to work. The last time I was there, I became good friends with a man, let's call him Mike. Mike pretty much taught me everything I knew when I first started the job. He is about 10 years older than me, married with one kid.The last time I was at this workplace, we instantly hit it off. We have the same goofy personalities. We joke around, always work together. He would go out of his way to talk to me and work with me. He also asked lots of questions about my personal life/relationships. He is very friendly, a gentleman, and polite. He is very funny and also shy. It was very obvious to me that he treated me differently than other co-workers. He always held doors for me, helped me, and when i almost ran into him, he put his hand in the small of my back (i assume this was innocent, seeing as he almost ran me over) The last day I saw him, we hugged, and i was sad to leave. Mike talked about his kid a lot to me. He mentioned his wife a few times, only saying that she doesnt really like to go out anywhere.The first day I came back, his mouth dropped and he asked what i was doing there. He couldnt believe it and kept asking me how it was possible...He continued joking just as he always does. He asked what days i work/how long i would remain at this place. He asked how my summer was. I told him it was fine and he said "I wouldnt know... I never heard from you..." (he looked at the ground like he was sad). i told him i tried to text him, but it never went through. He told me to text him then to make sure it works. Later on I told him about the last place I worked. When i went to leave, he went to give me a handshake (like how guys would shake each others hands and bump chests). He held my hand and then stepped in and his chest touched mine. I held his side. Then I stepped away... and he continued to hold my hand while we finished talking. When this happened, I just assumed he was treating me like one of his guy friends.However the next day, he completely ignored me. He saw me and said nothing. I passed him multiple times in the hallway... he would stare at me or take a step near me, but he wouldnt say anything. I texted him just to say hi, and he never answered. I thought I did something wrong..... next time i passed him I said "hey you never answered".... and he kind of laughed to himself and said "im working!" . Although Im right next door and they werent busy at all.I already know the morals involved. I honestly don't know whether any lines were crossed or if we are just very good friends.My questions is: Why is he so hot and cold? Excited and happy one day, ignoring me the next?
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co-worker, shy, text, workplace Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (31 August 2014):
I can give you advice based on my own experience. I met an older married man recently who I was attracted to and he seemed to like me too romantically. The way he was with me was not the way a married man would behave. All of us enjoy flirting and receiving attention from the opposite sex and provided it's innocent and harmless, there is no problem with flirting...even if you're in a relationship. The married guy in my situation was acting like a single guy not like a respectable married family man. He was flirting and lapping up the attention. But a few weeks later when I saw him again, he was acting oddly (being cold towards me). People had guessed we were attracted to each other and saw how he was flirting etc with me. They said he seemed to have become aware of the fact that not only is he older AND married, but also how he'd embarassed himself by behaving so flirtatiously wth me.Some couples have boundaries in their relationship e.g not flirting with other people, so really it depends on how his partner might feel about him flirting with someone else or spending time with that person. Is his wife ok with him being friends with single girl? How would she feel if she knew you and her husband were friendly?He is married which means friendship is a no no. Clearly he seems to be attracted to you and if you're honest...you like him too. This will cause alot of drama trust me on that. Save yourself any embarassment and walk way from him. Sure, you can apologise and make clear you only want to be friends but to be honest, it seems he wants a romantic type of friendship. He is clearly flirting with you. I'd steer clear of him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): No, I don't agree that it is best to apologize. Leave it be, you are just trying to find an excuse to open up those gates. You like him, he is probably sexually attracted to you, HE IS MARRIED. Leave him alone and act the way you would want another women to act toward your future hubby.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 August 2014):
 I agree that letting it go is the best thing to do.
and yes if a young unmarried co-worker of my husband was texting him, even though he has no thoughts of cheating or being unfaithful I would not be happy with the young lady.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): I think it is best to let it go. He is the one behaving differently, not you. So you owe no apologies. He may have realized things after the fact; like offering his number to text when that would be hard to explain to your spouse. He may have even told his wife you were back, and he gave you his number. Maybe it didn't sit well with her.
No apologies are necessary. Just don't text him to keep things on more professional terms, and respectful of his marriage.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 August 2014):
 I'd leave it as it is.
You are already friendly, as friendly as it gets in an average work place.
If by becoming friends you mean, I guess, exchanging texts... probably he does not want to do that.
He has a wife- not all wives are ok with their husband having a young female coworker as a text buddy . You see, with married couple often friends are friends of the COUPLE. It's not a law, there are exceptions, but if she wonders why an 18 y.o. girl from work would be so keen and proactive seeking the friendship of an older , married colleague, well, we can't just label her as " paranoid "- it does sound a bit strange.
So, btw, if eventually you do decide to apologize for "everything that was out of line " , and assure him that " you do not have bad intentions ", .....not a great idea, but if you WANT to do it so badly...please at least do it in person , never by text ! Otherwise poor Mike sure could have some 'splaining to do at home !
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (18 August 2014):
No, I don't think you need to do anything. You haven't behaved badly and neither has he really. I don't think you need to bring it up again.
Just treat him like a colleague not a pal. Don't look to spend time with him during the working day unless it's vital for your work. Don't chat about personal matters - keep it to the subject in hand (i.e work) You can exchange pleasantries when you meet in the corridor "Hi, how are you. Lousy weather" etc - but don't expect him to stop and chat. No more high-fives or chest bumps. Don't text him unless it's about work.
This will foster a cordial working environment - which is what he wants.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses.
Do you all think the best thing to do is to apologize
for anything that was out of line and to let him know
that i have no bad intentions and I'm interested in being his friend?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 August 2014):
I agree with WiseOwlE.
YOU are seeing what you WANT to see... NOTHING you have posted here leads me to suspect he is anything other than an exuberant extroverted out going co-worker.
Since you are seeking an answer to what you are thinking it going on, I have to wonder if you HOPE something will go on....
IF you have a "work crush" on this guy that's FINE but know that some folks are just very friendly and many times folks who have (inappropriate) feelings (even subconscious ones) put out "vibes" that others pick up on.
IF all he was doing was being overly friendly (and safely flirtatious) and you have misinterpreted this as interest which has caused you to be MORE interested, then he picks up on your interest and he backs up so as to NOT send you what you deem as mixed signals.
I have to worry about this since I'm very outgoing, flirtatious and extroverted. I'm also very married and while I whine and complain about my spouse I would NEVER cheat on him and as soon as I sense someone is leaning over that line I set the record straight.
Sounds to me like he does not know how to "set the record straight" with you that it's nothing more than a work flirtation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2014): It sounds like he was happy and surprised to see you. He offered you a very hardy greeting.
I think you were reading his welcome in the wrong way; and he may have realized much later that it might have been somewhat inappropriate. Someone may have even said something to him about it.
You say he treated you a little differently and took you under his wing. Well, gossips or jealous co-workers usually start rumors; and he has to be professional at all times.
He also may have run his behavior through his mind, and decided he doesn't want you to think his greeting has any inappropriate undertones. Being cool and distant is how you correct it. Now you're back, and it's business as usual.
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A
female
reader, finalmailings +, writes (18 August 2014):
 Question: Why are you up on a married man like that?
Find someone who is single. He is probably hot and cold cause he is attracted to you sexually but trying to be good. Step back, what comes around goes around comes around.
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