A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year now. We became friends towards the end of his relationship with his ex. At the time I met him, he was living with his ex but sorting things out to move out and end their three year relationship. Him and I talked a lot and clicked right away.Shortly after him and his ex moved out and broke up, him and I started dating. At the time I continuously questioned him about whether he is sure things are over and that I'm not a rebound. He assured me its over and I'm not a rebound. I trusted him.Now almost a year has passed and him and I still get along very well. I can tell he cares a lot for me and loves me.However, I also know that you don't get over a three year relationship that easily. I know he still cares for his ex and they are friends, which I'm totally OK with. What concerns me is that whenever his ex is mentioned, he acts uncomfortable. He's not able to share anything about her or how they were when they dated. He's still not able to talk about it. For example, I'm totally over my ex and if a memory surfaces I will tell my boyfriend, 'Oh John and I used to do this and that etc' it's like sharing a part of my history with my boyfriend, nothing emotional about it.So I'm wondering, why is my boyfriend with me when he isn't fully over his ex yet? Why not take the time to get over her first? And if he is over her as he said, why does he act so uncomfortable and changes the subject when his ex is mentioned?
View related questions:
broke up, his ex, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE.. I love reading your responses to other OP questions. However, unfortunately this time, you are incorrect about my situation.#1. I was the one that was against getting into a relationship with him when he first broke it off with his ex. I kept questioning it and backing away. Yes, I had feelings for him but I wanted him to take time to get over her first. He was the one who insisted their relationship was over long ago and they have been working the logistics of separating. I did not pounced on him.. that sounds horrible and I am not that kind of a person.#2. I am not an insecure person. I do not have any problems with him contacting his ex and being her friend. He knows that. He also knows that I am friends with ALL my exes and we keep in touch once in a while. I communicate openly with him. I understand that he was in a three year relationship, not a three month one. She's been a part of his life and they have been there for each other and gone thru good and bad times. I will NEVER take or try to take that bond away from them. She was there for him at a very critical part of his life, he told me what he had gone thru, and I am grateful that she was there for him. Both him and I agree that if she is ever in need of help, BOTH of us will do our best to help her out. I understand that aside from me, there are and will be other people in his life (male and female) that he cares about, and as a couple, because those people are important to him, they are important to me too. I know he will support me the same way if I need to help out an ex. We will be there together, there's no jealousy or insecurity about it.I understand that there are people out there as you have described. Let me reassure you that I am not like that nor is the relationship I have with my boyfriend like that. Also his ex is a much greater person than that to be 'doing things behind the scene' as you've suggested, please do not refer to her like that. That's something I really do not appreciate. You can misunderstand me, and I will explain, but anything else is a bit inappropriate.Thank you for taking the time to read and give me your outtake on this situation though. I appreciate your's and the other aunties input.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2014): Excuse me?
You're the one ready and available to start an immediate relationship, before he was even out the door from his old relationship. You're the one who should have waited until YOU knew he was over his ex. Not checking-in time to time to make sure he's getting over her, after the fact. You can easily talk about your ex; because he is in the past, there is no contact, and you are completely over him. You only bring him up to test your boyfriend; and see what he has to say about his ex, and gauge his reaction to cross-examination.
You walked on the wet cement before it was dry. Now you're insecure.
He will not talk about his ex; because she is still present in his life, and he's not going to share the details of their relationship. Maybe because he doesn't think it's any of your business, and/or he thinks you're just asking leading the conversation up to asking him to stop contacting her.
He doesn't talk about the past; because he knows you're just going to start an argument, or pressure him to get rid of her. Which he hasn't done, and has no intention of doing.
You knew from the very start you could possibly be a rebound, or you wouldn't have asked him if you were.
You pounced at the chance to snatch him up as soon as you could. You were circling above as soon as you new he was leaving his ex. I suspect you were more than friends before he left her. I don't expect you to admit that; because I can see how carefully you worded your post to not look like you were. If you weren't, you certainly had plans and wasted no time.
You will always wonder. He isn't going to tell, and if you took the risk; you'll have to trust what he says. She is still there to psyche you out about snatching her ex right out from under her nose. She wants you to feel uneasy.
She's working behind the scenes to be his friend just like you did. Maybe it's all innocent, and you're feeling your karma.
Looks like it's working.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 August 2014):
 Wait a minute! He's still friends with her? I had a whole speech prepared and I'd typed out this long answer playing the Devil's Advocate because I thought he didn't talk about his ex because maybe he didn't want to delve into the past as it didn't matter to him in any way and you were the one he really loves. Until I read the part that I'd missed where you said that he still cares for the ex and is friends with her.
That changes everything.
In my book, once you're broken up with someone, there it ends. How can you be friends with an ex when you had a sexual relationship with them? Its one thing to be civil but I can never understand the whole 'friends with an ex' deal. You know what they say, "If two past lovers can remain friends, they are either still in love, or never were."
If he's still hung up on his past, it’s going to be difficult to move on to his future, especially when the person he's hung up on is still a regular fixture in his life. Friends with ex's is a dangerous territory because your feelings get all muddled.
The decision is up to you now OP. He's clearly not over her. Why he chooses to be with you is something that only he can answer. The question is, are you fine with being the second fiddle? My guess is no, so maybe its time to take some time off from he relationship because there is NO WAY you should allow yourself to be in a relationship where you are not the man's priority.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2014): I think sometimes, you can't win.
I'm the same as you, I can talk about my ex without emotion in a factual way, we were together 4 years and a lot of my memories involve him. My boyfriend interprets this as me NOT being over my ex and still being hung up on him.
Likewise, my boyfriend is very uncomfortable talking about his exes. He doesn't talk about them and doesn't want to because he has no interest in them and also worries it will upset me.
I reckon your boyfriend is the same as mine, just not interested in dwelling in the past, so just changes the subject and gets a bit uncomfortable. I'm sure if he wasn't over her, he would have gone back to her by now.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis reason for not wanting to talk about his ex is because he doesn't like to talk about past relationships and he doesn't like to talk bad about others. Which to me is an excuse because he has told me lots about exes prior to his most current one.. all the good and bad things. We'd just laugh at all the funny and sweet memories and sigh at all the bad ones. This is why I know he doesn't have a problem sharing his past, he just has a problem sharing his most recent past.He says I'm pushing him. He will get defensive and say to me to just ask him whatever I want to know and he will answer. I don't want it to be an interrogation, I just want is to be able to talk about it, both the good and the bad; the happy and the sad. I will not leave him just because he is still hurt over his last relationship. I told him when we first dated that it will take time to heal.. afterall it was a three year relationship. I told him we will heal together and I will be there with him. This is because he has vowed that I'm not a rebound and he truly loves me. He has backed this up with actions too, I can feel and I can see that he truly is happy when we're together and cares and loves me a lot.I just wish we can talk about it without him always trying to hide and supress his feelings about her. We don't even have to talk about the unhappy things, we can just start with where they like to hang out, things they like to do etc. He will only heal and move on if he can be open about it.Am I correct or do I have it all wrong? Should I just let him be and not bring her up until he is ready to? My main goal here is to help him get over the relationship and his heart to heal. I want him to be happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (20 August 2014):
 It's possible he's still attached to her or hasn't truly moved on. Talking openly about that past relationship and any lingering feelings and thoughts is key to making your relationship work; if he refuses to that, or if he's still hurt, then maybe he needs a break to deal with himself and realize how he truly feels, if he's ready for someone else and so on. The kind of relationship you are looking for is obviously a 100% deal (good for you for respecting yourself and also for having requested to NOT be a rebound, that was perfect), because you have no hanging issues and it's natural to expect the very same in return as you are able to offer: maturity, dedication, emotional stability etc.Now, having jumped so fast between a relationship to another, he might not have had enough time to process everything. Some things he might not know if he owes to himself or you and can feel disoriented... or even take you for granted. After all, you were there for him when he most needed it. I think not everything is lost; you act very mature, approach things correctly and respect yourself and that's great, but surely you can't be thrilled with his refusing to talk, this seems childish - how can you know if you as a couple won't repeat the same mistakes if he isn't willing to share from his story exactly what went wrong so you don't repeat the same patterns?The fact you can talk about your ex without clenched jaws and do it very naturally, he could take as an example. I sure hope he admires you for that. So, like mystiquek says, get him to be more open and more available overall and especially emotionally and through your conversations, or find a more mature guy who you can talk about the bright and happy as well as the delicate points and draw useful conclusions for your future together, and not feel like you're in a dead end. He might appreciate more, with this, what he is losing. If not, it's his loss. Think that you have great prospects and a healthy outlook on relationships, and those are your assets.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (20 August 2014):
 I think what you should be asking yourself is why are you with him when he isn't over her? Its apparent from his actions that he's not over her. He's either in denial or lying to you because he doesn't want to hurt you. Are you sure you want to be with someone who is still hurting over someone else? If he had the chance to go back with his ex would he? These are the questions you should be asking yourself. I wouldn't want to be with someone still hung up on someone else. There's too many other guys out there. Protect your heart...
...............................
|
