A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hope someone can help me understand this.I've been with my boyfriend something like 16-18 months. He's always had a bit of a wandering eye when we are out together, like he will turn to look at someone pretty or really stare, say at women when we're waiting in a queue to see a film or get into a nightclub, but I kind of ignored it, as we have a really great sex life and there is so much that is good about our relationship generally.But recently he has said and done some stuff to make me really question how he feels about me but when I brought it up to him, that it upset me, he said I was overreacting and have lost my sense of humour.I will explain. I bought a lovely new dress for a night out and I looked really good in it. I made a real effort with my hair and make up and felt so good about myself. He didn't compliment me, sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. Anyway we went out and one of his friend was also there at the pub with his new girlfriend and she is VERY pretty. When she went to the loo, my bf wouldn't stop going on and on about how gorgeous she is to his friend, even though his friend was talking to someone else. He kept pushing his arm to get his attention. I thought it was really childish and maybe just boys will be boys repartee, but I have to admit I felt irritated that he couldn't tell ME I looked gorgeous in my new dress.Then as we were walking home there was this pretty girl walked past us and she looked at him as if she knew him/was attracted to him and he looked at her in a "knowing" way and when she went past, he stopped and turned and was really straining to see where she had gone. It was dark and I just wanted to get home so I took his hand and said come on and he dropped my hand in sort of a p***d off way.When we got home he was really quiet and the first thing he did was to insult me. He said I was getting fat and that I needed to start being careful what I ate. I was so upset that I walked out and went to a late bar and stayed there until 2 am, got rather drunk and then got a taxi to my sister's place and stayed the night there without calling him. I switched my phone off.The next day I told my sister all about it and she said it sounds as if he felt threatened my how good I looked and wanted to make me feel small or insignificant somehow. I am not normally an insecure person but I feel really self-conscious now, even though I am only a size 10 to 12 and have a really good figure. Everyone tells me so too, but now I feel as if there is something wrong with me, otherwise why would he say that?There have been other times when he refuses to hold my hand in the street and when we first started seeing each other, he would always hold my hand or walk with his arm around my shoulders or waist. Now he either drops my hand or never even takes it in the first place.When I went back home the next day, eventually, he was relieved to see me and started crying. He said he never meant to hurt me, that he was having a joke with me and I am far too sensitive.I can't get past this and I keep bringing it up. He says I need to forget about it, that we have a good relationship and we belong to each other and I need to learn to take a joke.Am I too sensitive?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): Hi I am the original poster. I tried to talk to him about it. He said I am over-reacting and he was messing about and just having a laugh and I think too much, I overthink everything and I need to relax more. He doesn't seem to understand at all that his behaviour might be hurtful or wrong in any way.
I ignored him all day yesterday, his calls, his emails. His last text asked "is everything ok, what's wrong?". But I feel I would be better off banging my head off a brick wall to get him to understand me.
You have all been really helpful in making me see he is treating me like dirt. I have to end it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2015): Hi there. You are not imagining it. Here are the red flags:
He blatantly gawps at other women in front of you and makes you feel bad.
He never pays you a compliment but goes out of his way to pay another woman a compliment and makes you feel bad.
He shows you less and less physical affection as time goes on and makes you feel bad.
He insults you about your appearance and makes you feel bad.
He cries about things he knows he has done wrong and manipulates you into feeling sorry for his weaknesses which makes you feel bad.
He makes out your are 'too sensitive' which places your feelings in the unimportant and unnecessary category in his mind which in turn.... makes you feel bad.
Now I'm sure you can see the consistent theme. This is only the start of his abuse and it is going to get a whole lot worse. You can hang around to find that out for yourself or you can get out while you have your sanity. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and a decent man, who is not abusive, will love you right now as the woman you are right now and will not make you feel bad.
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2015): Hi there
So sorry you've met this man.
He is abusive, plain and simple. His tactics are very common and well practised in many abusive relationships.
I have been through all this and more and I found some books to help explain it all to me. It's difficult to believe that someone who you love and thought loved you, can be so calculating as to actually do these things on purpose, to bring you down, to make you insecure and unhappy. But I'm afraid it is what abusive men do. They want you to lose confidence in yourself and your judgement. To start questioning yourself and to rely on them more and more. They do it to make you stay with them!! Bizarre thinking I know, but they seem to believe it will work, when all it does is break the relationship down.
Not complimenting you when you look great and looking so very obviously at other women, is all designed to make you feel bad. Then when you react, you're the one who is blamed by being told that your reactions are wrong. Too sensitive, no sense of humour etc. It's working, you are questioning yourself. His behaviour will only get worse, I'm afraid. There is no point talking to them about it, they will deny that there is any truth in what you are saying. They don't want to work anything out, they are not rational or logical, their feelings are all they know about, or want to know about.
Please read the best book I ever found on the subject of abuse called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He is a man who has worked closely with abusive men and got to really understand their tactics and motivation for behaving this way. Your boyfriend's behaviour is all there, written in black and white. Please read it. It will explain so much to you and protect you in the future from other abusive men. There are an awful lot of them out there I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 May 2015):
 Your sister is correct. He is emotionally abusing you by breaking you down.
I would never let him touch me again, and I'd drop him immediately for his behavior.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 May 2015):
 Yikes, your BF is a FIRST CLASS ASSHAT!
And it will ONLY get worse. I agree with nonny female, he is manipulative, insecure and controlling. HE have a need for CONSTANT validation, such as ogling women RIGHT in front of you or commenting on them. HE WANTS you to feel insecure too.
He KNEW the moment he saw you in your new dress ALL dolled up that you had SPEND a LOT of time and effort in looking your best, THAT is why he didn't compliment you. He doesn't WANT you to think that you can DO BETTER than him. He wants YOU to feel GRATEFUL for his attentions.
Him crying is JUST another level of manipulation.
Him refusing to hold your hand all of a sudden, MANIPULATION. He knows you like holding hands, PDA - but he is TELLING you (without words) that NOW that he HAS YOU as his GF he doesn't need to hold your hand no more. Whether you like it or not. It's a "I don't need" you kind of thing. But mostly it's a snub. He doesn't want you to think you are "special". He wants YOU to be insecure.
He doesn't OWN his actions, he doesn't CARE that he hurt your feelings. Calling it a JOKE? THAT is HIM refusing to take OWNERSHIP for how he treated you.
And you know what? ALL this crappy behavior of his? It's working. He has already brought you down a notch or two. And he will KEEP doing it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2015): I am the person who originally asked the question. THANK YOU. I am sitting here at my sister's computer and I'm actually trying not to cry in front of her because your reply has really touched me. I read it quickly and you make so much sense, at the same time it hurts to read that this person I love so much is maybe not really a nice person at all. I'm going to read your reply again, THANK YOU, you must be an angel!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2015): NO, OP, you are not too sensitive.He is the one who is INSENSITIVE. Ever heard the song by Jann Arden called Insensitive? She is a Canadian artist. Find it on Youtube.This is how I read the situation.Your BF is insecure. Has deep down issues within himself. Don't even try to figure them out. Doubt he has or ever will. There is a quote that goes like this... "Don't waste your time trying to fix a broken person when you can cut yourself on all the broken pieces."He is controlling and really does not like who he is. So he looks for validation in other women. It is like he needs an ego boost. He is immature as well and has not grown up. He consciously or subconsciously is trying to bring you down. He wants to bring you down to his level. He may care about you but only as far as he is capable. He does not love you the way you want to be loved nor does he love you the way you love him. His belittling you is his way of making sure that you care about him and will not leave him. He definitely is keeping his eyes open but he wants to make sure you are there for him, doting on him and giving him what he needs. He wants to have his cake and eat it. A stable girlfriend while looking around. And if he ever did push the envelope and it escalated to cheating, he might do it but he would do it behind your back. You see, he would not want to lose you. But still do what he wants to do. It is all about feeding his ego.So his behaviour is his way of seeking validation. He puts you down to see how hurt you are and how far he can push you. When you pull away, he reels you back in. Then he feels validated because he sees you care and he has you, and then his ego is satisfied. Until the next time he needs a hit and needs to bring you down to watch you come right back. Hence, the need for more validation. So it is a push-pull effect. He is not sure of what he wants. You are on the receiving end of his uncertainty. Like his punching bag. He does not appear to be ready for a serious relationship or commitment. This is clear. You are though. He knows it. Deep down he may be trying to push you away (without realizing it) because he knows you are ready and he is not. But once he starts to push you too far, he knows he risks losing you permanently so he has to really lay it on thick... ie. crying. Seriously? CRYING? Come on.He is manipulating you. Controlling you. Can you see this?It is working, isn't it?He got the reaction he wanted and lured you back in by his antics.He will push you away again and again lure you back in.It will if not already become a cycle.He is treating you like dirt. Not an equal. Not a girlfriend he loves and respects. He seems to care more about his own needs. And EGO.No man who LOVES a woman would EVER tell her she is getting FAT! NEVER! That is enough to tell him to take a hike.And the fact he stares at other women and makes comments about them in front of you is mean, hurtful, insensitive and disrespectful to you. It really erodes at your self esteem. Doesn't matter how beautiful you are. You just don't want to go around always feeling you are never good enough. Always feeling like you are walking on eggshells. Trying to impress him all the time. Look at the woman he has! She is everything he will ever need. You know this! And in your case, more than he deserves. Yet he makes you feel inferior, not good enough, like you have to beg for his attention. Not acceptable!We are in relationships to feel validated, to feel loved, to feel admired, appreciated, to feel safe, adored. Does he make you feel any of these things? Your needs are not being met by him. In fact, he seems to be going out of his way to hurt you.AND as if that isn't enough, he turns his bad behaviour on YOU, blaming YOU when in fact, it is ALL HIS FAULT.You don't need to take a joke. It is not a joke. It never was a joke. Only because you were hurt and he saw your reaction did he back track and call it a joke!HE IS THE JOKE.I do believe it is a matter of time before he cheats, if he has not already done so. I am so sorry.But do you want to waste anymore time with a jerk like this? This drama is going to eat away at you. Sooner or later, you will leave him.Do it now. It will be harder the longer you stay.You are better than that! You deserve better than him.You can convince yourself it's okay because he cries and comes back or apologizes and treats you like a princess for awhile but his old habits will never die. People don't just change. Their patterns of behaviour will repeat again and again. And then your false sense of feeling loved and secure will again be pulled out from under you. And you will grow to expect it. Almost like you will become addicted to the cycle because you so much want his love and approval. He will keep pushing your buttons. And you will keep going back for more.You don't need him.Think about this very seriously.Good luck. :)And I am sure you are beautiful in every way!
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