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age
51-59,
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writes: So I am currently confused about certain aspects of my relationship with my girlfriend and would appreciate any insight.My first confusion deals with my girlfriend takes advice and everyday comments from her friends in a positive and receptive manner, yet when it comes from me my advice is the last to matter or be believed (we are in same job and I have 12 years more time in). My second confusion surrounds arguments. When we argue and it gets heated and doesn't get resolved she claims not to remember things next day or few days later, when I try to clear things up she gets hostile saying nothing like I described occured and it causes a new argument. I understand that hurt feelings may be involved and doesn't want to reopen things but since I can recall things and things aren't resolved am I not correct to try and clear up these past arguments so they don't resurface years later with her having different perception of what happened, as has happened? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 September 2014):
 You say you have 12 more years experience than her at work, are you also a bit OLDER than her? IF so it may be hard for her to take advice from you as it may feel PARENTAL to her. I know that when my husband is “critical” of me it irks me more than when others are.
Secondly, she MAY NOT remember the arguments. I tend to forget things a lot. I have ADHD (that’s my explanation) and I tend to write down a rehash of my day the next morning so I remember things. For my husband who blacks out and forgets things I record him on my phone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): I guess your advice and opinion is left to her interpretation and her opinion of its value. If she doesn't want or like your advice, she doesn't have to take it. She isn't here to defend herself; but if she consistently doesn't take your advice, she is trying to tell you something. She doesn't want to hear it. Either at that time, or the way you wish to offer it.
Then what's the point? You might as well find yourself a new girlfriend; and someone willing to listen to you. If there are so many unresolved issues between you; then that means you're an incompatible couple. Maybe that's her point and she's seeking other opinions to decide whether she's being fair.
She also wants someone who listens to her. Even if you think I'm completely wrong, consider that possibility.
People aren't consistently resistant to advice; unless they don't like or trust the source, or totally disagree. As you have every right to disagree completely with my opinion. I won't take it personally.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2014): It's quite possible your girlfriend doesn't take your criticism well. It's a sign you both don't know how to effectively communicate. There are lots of good publications on the subject. Take your pick.
She feels your advice is only given to make her feel stupid, flawed, or less intelligent than you are. She thinks your opinion is biased; because you're so close to her. Advice is easier taken from someone subjective and not directly involved. Your opinion is also offered to subtly gain control, lower her self-esteem, and to prove who's right and who's wrong. She's not stupid, my good man.
She's reading between the lines; and realizes when your advice is chocked full of putting her down, and not lifting her up. It's delivery and content. The purity of the intentions behind them.
My opinions and advice are long, direct, and not just directed at the OP requesting advice; but to readers in general. I don't know the OP, but I do read what they say and use that to formulate an opinion. Since we are not paid or this is not professional advice; we can be as judgmental as appropriate. How can you give opinion and advice without judgement? It's not too smart to think that's possible. I allow other aunts and uncles to offer differing and sweeter opinions; then, I give the tough-love. Like it or not. No one has all the answers and no one is perfect. Like anything else, it's a matter of taste and what you're really looking for. I'm here to help and to comfort, not to stroke egos and pander to childish insecurities. You have to gauge the person by their remarks, content of their posts, and the personality they project in their writing.
You have to use good judgement.
Offer advice only when your girlfriend is receptive and willing to accept your opinion. Try asking if you can help. If your relationship is in crisis, and she is making bad decisions directly effecting you, give your opinion without hesitation. You don't need her permission. The situation is demanding it.
If someone doesn't like your advice, you back-off and let them fall and break their asses. You hold your "I told you so's;" and you show them real support. Even if they messed up. If there is no real support and good intentions behind the advice; it's just kicking someone when they're down, and it is apt to be taken in the wrong way. Don't presume they don't know the difference. Sliding in zingers every opportunity. You make people over-sensitive and they don't trust you if that's your style. Sometimes we do it,and don't really mean it. It's just because we're angry and frustrated; but that's not fair-play. It's opportunistic.
Blind-siding a person in pain, is outright cruelty. Not in the case of manipulative drama-queens or drama-kings. In their case, it's just rude-awakening. You're not stupid either.
You are usually misunderstood; because before your advice was offered, you said mean and hurtful things to her that she will always remember. She is preconditioned and traumatized from unintentional verbal-abuse. You have to mind your words during heated exchanges; because once words hit the air, they become a memory.
Words are powerful and hurt more coming from someone you love and care for; than from a stranger like me. An OP can ignore my answers if they don't like it. You can tell me go to hell, and never hear from me again. I'm not the one with the problem opening it up publicly for opinion. So I submit with all due respect. We will never cross paths. Can't even see each other. My answers often have time-released effectiveness. The seed is planted. They comeback and realize WTF!!!? You were right!
She sees you all the time and shares her life with you.
Big difference!
Her friends are supportive and take her side; so naturally she prefers being told what she wants to hear, as opposed to what she should. That's human nature. There's female advice to each other, and then there is opinion from the source of irritation, the male and his opinion. Timing and situation is critical to be effective.
You very much need to learn how to have discussions; and arguments without fighting. So what is said is well-thought-out;, and everyone is considerate of the others feelings. I don't mean you can't be straight-up, frank, and honest with your opinion. People like sugar-coated advice. It is appropriate to soothe and comfort those in pain and suffering. Recognize when people are just looking for sympathy, not an opinion or judgement. Don't pick on someone too fragile. Pretenders and fakes are always fragile. They are always victims. With practice and experience, you can recognize it.
The problem with someone like that is, it goes in one ear and out the other. Sweet-talk and pampering makes them feel good, but really has little value toward correcting a problem. If you have an opinion, make sure you're not taking advantage of an opportunity to demean and belittle her when she's down. Don't take a condescending self-righteous attitude toward your mate. Never do that. That's a huge character-flaw, and she's wise to resist it. She knows the difference between verbal-abuse and advice; from her own boyfriend/friends or family.
She knows by your very tone and delivery how you mean it.
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