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female
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*hythmandblues2
writes:What is this code with men?Why is it that so many men choose to be dishonest to women, all women and be "men" with each other, you know drink, womanize, even cheat on their women and then look that woman in the face and act like they know nothing of what is going on with their man?And then let's say that confused, betrayed, woman can't believe her spouse/boyfriend/partner could be lying to her and she decides to ask one of his buddies if he knows something about something to try and verify what the reality of the situation is and instead of coming clean that man gets his defenses up and tells her to stay out of his life that he doesn't want to get involved and he doesn't need this in his life right now. As if he suddenly is the victim when she is standing there realizing that this guy just helped her husband/boyfriend/partner cheat by either covering for him, in cahoots with him, or just plain wanting to stay out of it.....esentially not calling a rat a rat.????Any men out there who do this and can explain why?My father who is 80 now would not do this for any man. He has had a couple of his good friends cheat on their wives and he didn't run and tell the wife on his friend, but he told the friend that he wouldn't be any part of helping him cover it up and he told the friend off, what the hell do you think you are doing.....and when the wife asked him a question about it, he never denied the truth and he didn't stand behind his male friend. All of these people are back together now, they are great friends and no body holds a grudge against my Dad.I believe that people have to stand for something and when they don't it makes the world a shittier place for everyone, there wouldn't be so much betrayal in the world if there were actual consequences for it, like being shamed for being such a liar.Thoughts? I see the first scenario in most people under the age of about 45.
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (10 October 2009):
rhythmandblues2 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Nope, this topic isn't about forgiving infidelity in marriage and for the sake of the children.
This topic is about men who cheat and the men who cover up for them, or even go along with it as long as nobody finds out. If this attitude did not exist among men, it would be less likely that a man would even try to cheat or convince himself it is OK because everyone does it....It is sort of like laws, they force people to behave in ways that are to the betterment of an entire society or culture, where the individual rights are not as importantn as those that they stand to damage by excercising their right to do what ever they damn well please. These laws are supposed to benevolent. Seatbelts though restraining actually do save lives for example. So the ability to not get away with cheating saves love, relationships even marriages same sort of principle, just on a deeper level.
Regardless of what you think, this is damaging to relationships and to marriages, it is a betrayal of trust no matter how you look at, and it is a betrayal of the promise to be faithful, loyal and loving.
It begs for the compassion of the person being cheated on, but it leaves an indelible scar none the less.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (10 October 2009):
 Rhythmandblues2Yes - I would take exactly the position that you are mocking. As long as a person is a extremely discreet and stays clear of disease that outside affairs or one night stands can (obviously not always!) strengthen a marriage rather than weaken it. It's the getting caught and the reaction to it that destroys marriages. That is why I would NEVER inform on a friend or frankly even a foe because it is the "informer" who becomes the agent of damage and destruction in the marriage. I certainly do not accord men any special rights in this regard. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. I have thought and game-played in my head my possible reactions to my wife taking a lover and I believe that I can say with confidence that my reaction varies dramatically with the context. If my wife were to run around with a man in a way that my friends, or children or staff were to see or if she was to turn cold to me, or throw her relationship with another man in my face then I would want to beat that man within an inch of his life. If however there was no change in her relationship with me, I was still clearly top dog in her life, there was no way that my family, friends, staff or children could know and I could plausibly pretend that I didn't know then I could live with it if I knew that it brought her happiness. My marriage vows included amongst others ".... till death us do part" and "forsaking all others". It seems that these days we condone those unable to live up to the first of these whilst invariably condemning those unable to live up to the second. It is a fact that divorce causes real pain and suffering and has effects that are passed on to the next generation and yet here on DC we routinely see advice to married people to go for a divorce and "find someone that deserves you" even where there are children involved. Of course, sometimes divorce is necessary but is it a more desirable outcome than a very discreet affair that leaves the marriage intact and functional?I
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (9 October 2009):
rhythmandblues2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo they only take away I got from that is it is OK as long as they don't get caught, and it is OK to cheat on their wives in while in China and away from home because they work hard and deserve some strange once in awhile.
And that doesn't hurt who? Oh, their families, wives and children, it doesn't hurt to cheat as long as no one finds out.....mmmmm.....I see, and they make a habit of it doing that every time they are away from their families who they profess love, loyalty, honor and cherishment.
Got it.
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male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (8 October 2009):
Because sometimes / often it is the disclosure itself that does the damage.I have many friends in the UK and America who I know without doubt sleep with girls when they are over here in China. I have no problem at all in sitting down at their dinner table when home in England with their wives and family and looking everyone in the eye because I know that they are good men who work bloody hard and love their wives and family and that the only way that their wives would ever find out would be if I told them. Why on earth would I want to ruin their wives and childrens' lives by disclosing something that really does no harm? IF however those same friends were trying to fool around with their next door neighbour or with someone at work or behaving in some other way that would likely get found out and get back to their wives then I'd certainly have a word with them about it and tell them they are being an idiot.
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female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (7 October 2009):
 Hi, Rhythm, it's been my observation over the years that most people don't tell because they don't feel that it's their place to interfere or they just don't want to get involved. Also, birds of a feather flock together- guys that lie and cheat hang out with other guys that on some level share their same value system so they have no problem covering for one another. It's the 'buddy code' and it's rarely ever violated unless one of the guys has a separate motive with you. If you want the truth then you go to the source and if you don't trust what they tell you then you should reevaluate why you even associate with that person. Friends/coworkers are usually the last to tell - private investigators are kept in business over this sort of thing.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (7 October 2009):
rhythmandblues2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI mean I would be furious if an someone who knew my guy was cheating did not tell me or give me some sort of heads up....and if I suspect something and can't get any proof I am not being crazy, then I would appreciate the truth from someon else so that I could deal with it instead of boxing shadows in the dark.
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (7 October 2009):
rhythmandblues2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I realize women cheat too, and are willing to try to take what some other woman has and that is big part of the problem, but what I am saying is why do so many men help their guy friend's cheat even though they may not do so themselves by keeping silent when asked or even participating in the hunt with their paired off friends if they themselves are single? And married men protecting other married men or women who are cheating by saying nothing and getting offended if asked by the cheated on spouse, rather than telling the truth to the question asker.
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female
reader, Jayney Y  + ♥, writes (7 October 2009):
 Because a lot of men are assholes, that's why. Not all, but a great big percentage of them. If they all went 'round telling the truth marriages would be beaking up all over the place, or in fact probably wouldn't happen in the first place.
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female
reader, kitty_3 +, writes (6 October 2009):
 natural selection. if they told us the truth, we probably wouldn't want to marry and reproduce with most of them.
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