A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am constantly being used for sex no matter how hard I try not to be. I thought I learned my lesson the first time, back in highschool when I had my first boyfriend. we did not have sex nor did we do anything below the waist, not even if feeling eachother up. He was a really big guy, 6'2", close to 300 pounds, offensive tackle on the football team. Marc made the honor roll and he was a neighbor of my friend who said he was really popular and then I would be popular if I dated him too. I didn't care about being popular, I just didn't like getting picked on and I thought senior year I should probably have a boyfriend. It started off real good, but after a few dates, less than a month, all he wanted to do was make out when we were alone so we couldn't really talk. I told him my parents monitored my phone, and they did, so I couldn't tell him anything over the phone about how I was uncomfortable and I did not want to say it in front of people because I did not want to embarrass him. I broke up with him by saying my parents didn't like me having a boyfriend. I thought when I went to college things would get better.Well, things got worse. While I met some guys at fraternity parties, most of the guys I met in the cafeteria or in particular, this guy Joel who went to Hebrew school with a guy down the hall from me. Joel was in my English class. We ate lunch a few times and we had a lot of nice conversations. He with cute but he never made a move on me and he seemed like a person even my grandmother would approve of. She met him once and liked him right away. That's saying a lot because she never even like my father and he is the nicest person in the world. My grandmother is a really good judge of character so I thought this guy was okay. He took me out to eat a few times, and to the Youth and an art show where his mom showed jewelry she made. She like me to and both our families went to dinner together. My mother didn't like her because she thought she had too many rhinestones and she complained about her hair, but my mother doesn't like anybody. my mother actually embarrasses me because she talks too loud and criticizes everybody for everything. I feel really bad for saying that, because she really does care for people, she teaches piano lessons and if you can't afford it she doesn't charge you just has you clean our house. She has always been involved in the arts and there are a lot of newspaper articles about where people told stories about how she helped out when they were little and how kind she was. I guess I'm more like my father, I am very quiet and I don't like to see people upset so I don't argue.Joel was okay unless we were alone. He said it was okay that I was a virgin but he didn't like it that I would not go down on him. I did it because I felt like I had to and I let him go down on me. It just hurt really bad when he did because he pushed his tongue too hard but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I didn't say anything. I just pretend that I came to get him to stop. I broke up with him by telling him that since my parents were paying my tuition, I had to listen to them when they said I shouldn't have a boyfriend. I actually felt really bad because he's a good person. I looked him up on Facebook it looks like he's happily married and I'm happy for him but sometimes I wonder, "why can't that be me?" He said later, the time moved too slow.The next man I dated, Anthony, I met him at a bagel shop. I was just sitting there eating and we had a nice conversation. Or so I thought. I took his phone number because I did not want to hurt his feelings but I knew it would hurt my mother's feelin gs that he was 5'6" and that he was Italian and he was a wrestler. I thought he was cute and I remembered I always moved too slow. I had sex with him after 3 weeks and up until then, I just watched him wrestle or else we had to go to a bar and watch him shoot pool. He invited me to his apartment and I asked a bunch of times if his roommate would be there and he asked if I was a virgin. I told him yes and he was okay with that but he said something that didn't scare me until later. He said, "For someone who's a virgin you sure are pretty." He also said I was cute for a person "like me". I thought that was prejudice but I couldn't think why. Well, I finally did let him take my virginity and it didn't really hurt that bad. I'm sorry for getting graphic, but I just felt sort of stretched and while I didn't say it out loud, I thought to myself, " am I really...? Oh. I am." All I did was recite times tables in my head until he was done. I felt so dirty. I felt like my grandmother and my mother would know about it or somehow find out. I felt like all my dead ancestors we're watching and they thought I was the dirty person.Flash forward to now. I have had three more boyfriends, and if I wait more than 3 weeks of just going on dates, they tell me I am just using them and they break up with me. They say they don't want to waste our time or money taking me to dinner if I will not go home with them. even if I want to make this last for more than 3 months. but if I have sex with him sooner...This sounds bad, but I met a social worker Mr. Wierzbiki. He was supposed to be a social worker. the only time he wanted to talk to me was when we were alone. His grandparents were Holocaust victims like my great grandparents were and they were in the same prison. Even though he was a Catholic. He was attractive for an older man, he had a round face and blue eyes and we bonded over all that. even my grandmother liked him. even my mother liked him. but my father didn't and that's really strange because even though he is very quiet, I trust his judgement more than most people. even though nobody listens to him. Mr W only wanted one thing I know I'm sort of trap with him. I have to keep doing things I don't want to, and it makes me feel gross. I am confused. he is supposed to be a social worker, he works in a prison. what do i do, I want to break up with him but everybody likes him. I feel used because he only want sex and I don't want that at all until I am married. where did I go wrong? how do I convince my mother and my grandmother that my dad is sometimes right? my father knows I'm sad and he just makes me feel guilty because I break his heart. I'm breaking my own heart too please help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Petina57  +, writes (27 January 2016):
 If you go out with men then yes they want sex, it's inevitable. You could try saying no, and you could try saying that you are having a break from boyfriends and relationships. The gueniune people will respect you and hang about as friends and not for what they can make you do against your will. Be strong and speak your mind. If anyone tries to make you do something your not happy with then get rid of them. Hope this helps
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2016): To be honest it sounds like your parents don't really mind who you go out with as much as you think they do. Also, your boyfriends are dating you not them- form your own opinion! If alone you find out you don't like them that much then don't go out with then anymore. Stop putting so much emphasis on their opinions and then you won't be so wound up over small things.
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