A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a long distance relationship for 2 years now. We get along very well for the most part. I've never experienced anything close to this before and it's confusing me really bad. I've been in 8 relationships over the past 20 years and never got along with anyone this well. She's so trustworthy and loves me with all of her heart. She's so dedicated to me, I just love it. She's a warm loving person but is also very dramatic and not the most responsible person. Here's the problems: I live in the city and she hates it here but I've been at my job for almost 10 years now. It's such a great job. Great pay, great benefits. She has had 3 jobs and been unemployed a lot. She lives a 5 hour drive and one hour flight away. I really don't want to take a chance and move her out here and then have her hold me back or even worse have things go wrong and be in for a ton of misery. Things also could go very well. Who knows? I'm on the verge of being able to buy a house. Even worse now when we're together I have a "I can take it or leave it" feeling about sex. I absolutely love being around her almost every minute we're together. At the same time I want to have sex with other girls so bad it drives me out of my mind. One time I did have sex with someone else just to see how it felt and it was just downright satisfying and wonderful. There is no way on earth I would consider that oher girl as a girlfriend. I haven't gone back but really want to. It was really just sex with a friend.Any time I think of breaking up with my girlfriend it makes me want to cry my eyes out, but at the same time I don't want to live with her and sex is very average at best. She has pretty bad credit too so I just can't see getting married to her right now. My credit for the first time in my life is in the 750 range and it took so much hard work and sacrifice to get here.I'm thinking maybe I just am too close to this to know what is going on with myself. I even tried to break up a few times with her. In the past with other girls I had no problem being the one to break up. With her it honestly tears me to little pieces whenever I think of having her be out of my life. I feel stuck in some weird purgatory and I know I have to deal with this sooner than later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice. Yes it's things I already know. I just really LOVE this person and I love how hard she tries at life. At the same time I know the decisions she makes are consistently horrible. I don't want to take on her bad choices and have to own them every day without a way out. I love helping her with her problems and without a doubt that this relationship is helping her in so many ways. At the same time I am living a lie and it really really bothers me. Any time I think of breaking up with her
I want to get drunk. 95% of the time I don't and the few times I did it didn't make anything better.
Maybe what I'm looking for is a little perspective knowing that she will be alright without me and I will be alright without her. I don't want to regret breaking up with someone who really truly does love me. There is still a part of me in the back of my mind that thinks this can work out. But it's probably not reality.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): Hello,
Well, I hope SOONER rather than later, for both of you, as this is clearly not a healthy relationship. It's almost as if she provides the soft comfort of security, of someone being there, but NOT too close, whilst you obviously think about other females, and consequently have had sex with them.
So not only are you keeping this other woman ( girlfriend) at a distance both emotionally and in distance, you're also being unfaithful. Whatever way you look at this, it isn't right, and it isn't a basis for a long-term relationship, whether your girlfriend remains where she is, or was to move to you.
Before deciding IF a relationship has the foundations to work, IT has to work in terms of 'a growing relationship' in all aspects, meaning it gets better including sex, and neither of you can, or want to live apart. I don't see this at all with you. In fact, I see you very much as the guy who finds it difficult to COMMIT, emotionally unavailable, who neither stays and does a good job of committing to his partner, but neither does he leave so the partner could be free to find a man who CAN and WOULD commit.
You don't mention if you have been married before, just that you have been in and out of relationships, which I suspect supports my feelings of you being truly emotionally unavailable...to ANYONE!!
Men who are emotionally unavailable, mostly have long-distant relationships, so once away from that space shared with a girlfriend, they revert very much to their own world space and time. Invariably Mr. Unavailable doesn't have relationships for longer than 18 months - 2 years, as this is the point in most relationships when it either goes forward with full-time commitment, is growing, or it crumbles.
Now with the emotionally unavailable man he has an internal alarm clock for sensing this, and towards the period of where commitment is imminent if he stays, he feels inwardly suffocated, as the door to which he escapes, looms ever closer and closes. Around this point he usually starts to find fault with all kinds of things within the relationship and the partner ( as in her credit rating,3 jobs, unemployment, blah, blah blah, ALL things you knew about during your relationship). He is also likely to look for other partners, even if not long term, and in your case look for SEX that presents NO PRESSURE for you to commit.
Being 'emotionally unavailable ' is a REAL condition, with many books written on the subject by eminent psychologists. I have studied it myself and include a chapter on it in my book. And somehow, I feel you may fall into this category.
Whatever it is that is holding you back from being with your girlfriend 100%, it is NOT fair to her, NOT YOU, but her, for you to keep her arms length, see her as some kind of comfort blanket whilst you LOOK, DESIRE and have SEX with other women. I personally wouldn't suggest you get your girlfriend to move to you, as from your question, and how YOU feel, it is strong enough to survive all the upheaval it would cause for your girlfriend - after all, she would be leaving everything she knows, but NOT for a 100% loving and committed partner, but someone who already has BIG doubts.
I think the time is fast approaching when you must decide what you're going to do - MORE for your girlfriend, as from what I can see, she probably has no idea you feel the way you do..Not sure how you can approach the fact with her, you no , longer really enjoy SEX with her, gosh, if it's like that now, what would it be like in 10 years time. Be adult and DO the right thing.
You know even if people break-up because for whatever reason it's just not working on all levels as it should, it does not mean that in sometime in the future the couple cannot re-unite, very often this can be a chance to discover OUR own problems and resolve them, or have time to reflect on what it was we had, and IF we want to return with fresh commitment and resolve to work on issues that caused the break-up. It is better to break-up regardless of how painful, than to stay and be unfaithful, and not give that person ALL your love, time and loyalty.
I really hope you can work this out, it's not a nice place to be, so good luck!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, MissTHANG +, writes (29 July 2010):
Dear Purgatory,
It sounds to me that although you genuinely seem to care for her, you subconciously know that she isn't going to fit into the life you have planned for yourself at this time.
Does this make sense? There's nothing wrong with choosing yourself over a person you care about if they don't have the same goals - especially when what you want and are willing to work for and HAVE worked so hard for, is so out of sync with the way the other person is living their life - at least right now.
I'm of the opinion that you are just naturally distancing yourself from her because of this - and it has nothing to do with you not caring about her or not being a nice guy. Just be honest with her, and remain true to yourself. :)
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