A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a relationship with a guy I have know for over 30 years. We first got together in 1983 then lost touch.Met again in 1999 by chance and rekindled and had a child. We both have children for previous relationships.Cutting a long story short. He has been a great dad to all my children and his own. We have never lived together and neither of us has ever married.I have always been very independent and I have no own career and properties, car etc so don't need much more than the love of a man and some companionship.He has always been very secretive and never says much. For years he has never invited me in to where he was living. I used to ask but gave up asking. after a while I stopped invited him into my home and also stopped sleeping with him as I was feeling disrespected. He would make fun of me with my older son.He continued to be a great dad to the kids. For the past couple of weeks he has been asking me out. Each time I could not make it. Last night I did. He invited me to a new place I assume he has bought. He would not say much. His pictures all over and one of our son. We sat and watched a film and ended up in bed.I don't understand why he did not invited me to his old place. Yes it was rented and beside a train station - so what? I've never been attracted to him for what he has - what is he trying to say to me - I 'm confused.I tried talking to him and explained why we had not been intimate for nearly 3 yrs. He listened but did not say much. I said I wanted more of a commitment as I am not wasting any more time. he said he was not sure how he felt about me after all these years.Any words of wisdom appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2015): Thank you for your response Xearo. I have reflected on them. It was great coming from a man. I feel he feels a little intimated by me as I got into property before him and now own two houses. I have never boosted or bragged or put him down. He was running a successful business that collapsed after the government pulled funding away. I admired him for that and I helped him with the start up business plan.
We are both very similar but I do what more of a commitment and more companionship and I think he knows that.
Thank you for your time.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 August 2015):
I've noticed you mentioned some things about his past and his general behavior to you and your family. I don't think this has much of a connection to his apartment situation.
Since he invited you to his new place and not his old place, then one can suggest his old place was in a bad condition. Perhaps it was not a place he was proud of and even though you say you would be ok with it, I am sure that for many guys their living arrangements is important to them.
I am unsure if this was necessary to hold out on intimacy for over three years because I think this can create a large distance between a couple. It seems like a punishment you are giving to him but for a reason he was already set on. What I mean, is that you holding out on intimacy did not change the situation with the old apartment. I am not saying that you did the wrong thing, in fact you did the right thing. I am saying this matter seems higher than intimacy privileges. I am pretty curious about his old place as well, but it is probably best to move forward.
And I think this is where you need to look now. You need to look forward. He invited you to his new place which is progress. You have a chance to make things right now so don't spend it with matters of the past because they can not be undone. The two of you did not live together and were not married, there is no reason EVERYTHING needed to be out in the open, as everyone is entitled to their privacy as well. You do not demand trust you have to earn it. And this of course goes both ways. He has to learn to trust you again after the lack of intimacy and you need to learn to trust him after the time secrecy.
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