A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a 51 year old women who looks quite young for my age. I work as Air Cabin Crew and also as a college lecturer.I met up with my first love a few days ago after not seeing him for over 12 years. He came to me in a dream and I felt it was a sign so I sent him a message and he asked to meet. We had a nice evening out. We were so comfortable with each other and he was continuously telling me how good I looked. We talked and talked.He is the same age as me and when we were younger it was quite clear he had problems with committing. I was surprised even now he still has not committed to anyone. He is a musician that had a few hits in the 80's and 90's and still seems to drawn women from that. He was confident to boss about the amount of women he has had (if he was being honest). I kind of felt a sadness in his life.Nothing happened between us that evening. I made it clear that I could not do that. Since then I have not been able to stop thinking about him.I have two grown up sons living away and a younger one still living with me. I am not happy with my children's father and have been celibate for nearly 3 years.I keep wondering whether I could rekindle with my first love as we have so much in common. In the past he hurt me a lot and said that's why he let me go as he did not want to hurt me any more. He even sat in a counselling session to try and help me. He's got a really beautiful heart and is well respected but I cant make out whats wrong with him. Surely he will want to settle down. Its clear he does not want children. I have my own car and 2 houses so not after him for his money (which is not much).Any advice welcome.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 July 2015):
 So maybe just enjoy the EX as a friend? Do things together but no sex since you want a relationship to go with the sex.
I would look elsewhere, without doubt, for a life partner though.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Hi Honeypie
Thank you for your direct to the point response. I know you cant change a tigers spots. I have never married or lived with a man. I had a phobia of marriage and I have spent the last 3 years trying to sort out my relationship. We are only just talking things out.
I just do not want to go nto my old age alone and would hate to see him too. I don't think I would ever love him like I once did but I still feel a connection and I am sure he does too.
My children have a very good father so they don't need a replacement. My ex is not daddy material anyway. What I love about him is the way he communicates about every aspect of his life - he is so open. Unlike my children's father who is very closed and secretive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 July 2015):
Seems like you are looking for a replacement for your "Children's father" and this blast from the past seemed at first glance a good option.
But the reason you POSTED this question is because you KNOW he is not. YOU might feel "sad" that he hasn't found someone special or had long term committed relationships, but you haven't considered that maybe... THIS is how he likes to live his life, OR this is what works for him, OR this is ALL he is capable off.
If you are still living with your "children's father" you ought to sort THAT mess out first. The whole I have been celibate for 3 years, doesn't mean you have the right to "replace" the "children's father". You were pretty vague on that point...
Though...
If you are NOT married NOR live with the "Children's Father", then YES you can consider yourself single and look for someone who can share your life with you. However, your "blast from the past" perhaps ins't LOOKING for the same, doesn't mean there is ANYTHING wrong with him, so he MAY NOT be a good fit.
I think what you have is square peg, round hole = not a good fit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post. I have lots to think about.I wish I knew what I have learnt over the years, then I would not have been hurt so much.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 July 2015):
 My advice... stop pipe dreaming that this man can become what you want and need.
He may be commitment phobic in general. He may in time meet someone he is willing to commit to. I know a guy who didn't marry till he was 53. He just had never met the right woman.
HE IS NOT going to commit you no matter what you want, say think or do. It's not you it's him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 July 2015):
 You write: " Surely he will want to settle down." But, in your submittal, you made it perfectly clear that that is not so. IF you "...want to settle down.." this committment-phobe is not the guy to try it with...
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (14 July 2015):
 Hi
This guy has lived a pattern all his life
From reading your post it seems to me as an outsider that if you go there again, you will get hurt again,as is the pattern
You would think he would want to settle down, it seems crazy that he doesn't, but the fact is he doesn't and that's that
You can choose whether you want to go ahead anyway or turn your attention elsewhere
It a natural thing to think about ex's when there's no one else on the scene at the time
You sound like an amazing woman, plenty more fish out there hun x
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 July 2015):
 You have a beautiful romantic crush on this guy and some lovely memories still exist between the two of you.
Plus he has a beautiful heart and is well respected.
If he is in the music business it can be very tough and the time commitments required can sometimes work against keeping things going in relationships. He may also be well used to women throwing themselves at him and it's all very same, same, same, wherever he goes. Especially if he is used to travelling a lot.
But after all these years he has remained reticent about commitment. He sounds like he has well and truly made his mind up about not committing to anyone and clearly having children is not a focus and never has been.
You may be hoping that time has mellowed him and that finally he may be happy to commit.
Please tread very warily, I would hate to see you invest a lot of energy in this only to be disappointed when he still cannot commit.
You did do the right thing to say NO to anything "happening" between the two of you that evening. I applaud you for being wise and making that clear.
Insecure guys can become very afraid of failure, and sometimes that is the reason they avoid commitment.
But it is not the only reason.
Guys at a certain age can become very self focused and unless they are getting a RollsRoyce deal (not literally, mind you) then they will offer very little. Why should they offer more? Often a girl is already freely offering the things he wants. so he does no have to commit.
Guys at a certain age can become overly cynical and seek to keep what they still have (a couple of divorces can have that affect on a guy)
And why should guys offer a commitment when they can live with some freedom?.
While at the same time Mabel on Monday offers home comforts following a really nice meal that the guy did not have to cook.
Then the same guy may see Wendy on Wednesday. Wendy is even easier. He can drop in to see her after he's watched what he wanted to watch that night. She'll put up with him knocking on the door after 9.30pm when it's too late for an evening meal but he will not say no to a cuddle and then...
Friday night he plays cards with his friends.
Sally on Saturday is not such a pushover so he takes her some where nice because unless he does that he's going to miss out on home comforts. Which she offers as she thinks it will draw him in closer.
If you want a guy who is happy to consider commitment then be firm. Tell any guy not to mess with you, not to call and not to waste your time if he is not interested in commitment.
About all the other guys who "might" commit one day? Stop Hoping.
Many guys will never commit and would probably fall short of what you need if they attempted to commit.
Be straight out with a guy before you waste your time dating him. Those scared of commitment will usually be
taken aback by your directness.
It's a numbers game
Guys play the same game though their aim, after companionship, is often sex.
Such guys may want to know: How soon will she be willing to have sex with me?
so here is the Next qualifier.
Even if he is not scared off by you saying that you are interested in finding the right guy for you, who is also not afraid to commit.
When you find a guy who seems willing to commit then you drop the bombshell. "I would like to hold off on sex until we have really got to know each other"
For how long?
Try six months to 12 months. Twelve months really sorts out the time wasters.
You will not die nor will you get ill from lack of sex. It is a sacrifice you need to make to find the right guy.
THAT will scare away the ones only making out that they want to commit if they know that they also need to back off on the issue of sex.
Their true intentions will emerge.
Are they willing to get to know you over a period of months before you move on to sex?
That is when you find the stayers versus those who make it clear that sex needs to be on tap or they don't want to get to know you.
That's fine. Say goodbye to them graciously and nicely at the door.
Once you find a keeper and he is also happy to get to know you and wait for sex he will worship you all the more for the hoops he had to go through to get there.
For too long girls have been making it Soooooo easy for guys to avoid commitment.
We have fussed over them, fed them, considered their feelings, bought them nice clothing, been lovely to them while all the way the guy will not commit.
But girls will still offer sex, thinking it binds them more strongly to the guy.
Absolutely NOT.
Sex will not bind a guy to you.
Sometimes a guy will have almost forgotten your name by the time he reaches home after an evening dalliance with one of his current girls.
It is time that girls stopped trying so hard, in the hope that everything they are doing will encourage him to commit.
Instead girls need to think with their heads and ask for what they want and if he cannot offer what the girl wants then she needs to move on to a guy who can meet her standards.
You can never be called "easy" when a guy has to jump through hoops to impress. By the time he has decided you are worth the wait and been through your qualifying get to know you strategy and come through that hurdle then no mountain will be too high.
IF he is the right guy he will really want to commit. That's when you know he's special and a keeper.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (14 July 2015):
 Maybe he enjoys the freedom to be himself and doesn't want the headache of someone else trying to impose their expectations on him. Not everyone wants to marry and have kids and that is perfectly normal.
Why does everyone who doesn't subscribe to a certain belief or lifestyle have to be labelled 'phobic'? And why should people who opt remain single have to justify that decision to others or prove that they aren't damaged or defective?
Sort your own life out. Let him live his.
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