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Why is he paying child support to his ex if their laszy 17 year old daughter is living with us?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Teenage, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 November 2016)
A female United States age 41-50, *ountryaly76 writes:

I'm back again for more advice. A little update on my last situation because this kind of involved it. I am still with my fiance, although the wedding date is no longer may 2017. I felt like we have issues that need worked out before that happens. A lot of things we have worked through, but here is my issue right now his 17 year old lazy daughter did come to move in with us and a temporary basis, only 30 days, until her mother could get an apartment. He was going to continue to pay her mother child support for that month even though we would be supporting her because here it takes a month just to get bAck into court and by that time she would be back living with her mom.

It's been 3 months and she is still living here and he is still paying the child support to her mom.

Every time moving week is supposed to be here something happens to prevent it, or so the mom says. She was supposed to move out this week and came home tonight and informed us that they aren't getting that apartment, this makes the 3rd one.

I don't understand him, why is he still paying support when it's pretty obvious she isn't leaving. He mentioned it to his daughter once and she became mad at him because he was trying to take money away from her mother, he tried to explain to her how child support works but she won't listen.

It costs money to raise kids, I know I have two. She needs clothes and she wants special food to eat, she is constantly on a diet. She drives to a nearby county to school, we pay her gas, car payment and imsurance, and the amount of child support he pays his ex would cover all these things.

When I mention something about it I get into trouble, it's none of my business. Which in a way I get that but I'm helping support her too and this is my house. And I am the one who cooks and cleans after her.

I feel like I should at least be able to have a conversation with him to understand why he is doing things this way.

I mean I love his daughter because she is part of him. But honestly she is a thorn in my side, she is the absolute laziest person I know. She is demanding and always moody. I guess it's just the teenage girl thing.

Is he scared of his ex and his daughter? I don't know why he would be.

I know his oldest daughter doesn't have anything to do with him. Because he stopped having to pay child support on her and she thought he still should, and he was giving her money for college and bought her a car and pays her insurance too and she is 21 now. And still thinks he should pay her mother child support.

I'm so confused this.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

View related questions: fiance, his ex, money, wedding

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 November 2016):

CindyCares agony auntHe is paying chid support wherever his child lives- because, obviously, that is what he was ordered by the Court to do. You do not fiddle with child support, you can't just decrease it or stop it only because in your opinion, or even objectively, it would make more sense. It's out of your hands as a parent to decide " what makes sense " financially- that's for the judge to say. Of course, once the child's living conditions and necessities are permanently changed in a way that makes unnnecessary blah blah blah, the parent can petition the Court to have the amount of child support readjusted - but it's a lengthy process, as you mention yourself, and by the time he'd get a ruling in his favour - hopefully the girl would be long time gone away.

I must say that you have chosen a very expensive method to bring a smile to your lips; i.e. supporting financially a man , and now his daughter too . Watching " I love Lucy " reruns would have made you smile too- without costing you a cent.

I am sorry but it's hard to empathize with you- this sounds very much a case of " only yourself to blame " brought up by, well, desperation, I suppose. It's good,- if it is true - that you solved the main issue you were having, and that now this guy has stopped bullyng and harassong your kids to turn into a doting stepdad, and also that , surprising, he has gone from behing a lazybones tryng to fob off on your kids his own chores and responsibilities , to such a " hardworking " type. But the main issue remains, i.e. that he , and now his daughter, lives off you, contributing minimally, making himself and his kid a huge priority over you and your best interests, and taking blatantly advantage of your meekness , weakness and eagerness to please. Like, you did not even want, and for good reasons, host Lazy Princess to begin with- surprise surprise, now she is safely ensconced at yours for .. how long it will please her- and you have ALSO to clean and cook and dance attendance for her. Well, if she is so hopelessly lazy and uncooperative. why does not HE cook and clean and tidy up for her ? That would be the bare minimum , and he should have thought of this on his own. As a matter of fact, ... why doesn't he cook and clean and tidy up for everybody , since he is not willing or able to make any significant monetary contribution to the household expenses ?? He could contribute with domestic work. But oh no- mooching is so much better and easier.

Nice job if you can get it- and he can .

What to say- at the end of the day, each one of us is free to make our own life choices. There are women for whom a warm body in the bed counts way more that an intact dignity- - I don't get it but if it works for you and makes you happy - ah well. So be it.

BUT , remember, it's not just all about you. You have got 2 kids, and you are and will be accountable of anything you do, good and bad, referring to them. You are not doing a great service to your kids throwing away your hard earned money on somebody's else kid- just because this other kid's parents are too lazy- inefficient- greedy to step in and do their part properly. You are taking on duties and which do not pertain to you, at the expenses of your kids - and one day your children would have any right to take you to task for that.

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A female reader, countryaly76 United States +, writes (1 November 2016):

countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Aunty bim bim . The bulling did stop with my boys because I set my foot down. Yes I remember it very well. We worked through it. Yes it was after he moved in. But it is not an issue now. Sounds to me that you must be someone who is very quick to judge. Thank you for your advice, but I don't need any more from you.

(Mod note: as OP indicated no further advice is needed, the question is being closed.)

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (1 November 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony aunthttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-talk-to-him-about-these.html

According to your previous question about this situation, your boyfriend WAS bullying your sons AFTER he moved in, so I think you have forgotten that issue wasn't sorted while you were dating. What else have your forgotten?

They are in your house, it IS YOUR BUSINESS. They are free loaders. Do something about it!

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A female reader, countryaly76 United States +, writes (1 November 2016):

countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He does contribute some financially, i would say 10 to 15 percent. I guess that is mostly why i feel frustrated.

everyone thinks i should just kick him to the curb because of this problem, we have had other problems and sucessfully worked through them. he does not bully boys, we talked about that and my boys only have the chores that i set for them before i ever started dating him. The boys love him, he spend time with them and takes the time to teach them things they want to learn. He is a good man, he is a hardworker, he is honest and dependable and at the end off the day he still makes me smile and i feel safe and comforted with him. Honestly he is the best man that ive ever been involved with. I know that this situation needs to be addressed and solved, was looking for reasons why he might be doing this.

honeypie gave some good reasons. If he is doing this because he is afraid of losing his daughter i can understand it more, because i would do anything for my boys. But, im not willing to just kick someone that i love to the curb just because we have an issue. I believe that it can be worked out. I really appreciate every ones advice. hope this helps everyone understand a little better.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (31 October 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou don't seem to be paying heed to the advice that you've been getting. You know the situation, you're venting here but you refuse to do anything about it.

You know something OP, it's said that you can wake someone from sleep but you can never wake someone who's pretending to be asleep.

If you know what the problem is and yet do nothing about it then no amount of nudges in the right direction will help you. It's not that any of these things are an eye-opener for you. Most aunts here had predicted that this is exactly what would happen if you didn't break up with this man. Nothing for you to be confused about, as you claim in your post.

You were asked to kick this man and his daughter out. For obvious reasons. He doesn't contribute a penny, he bullies your sons, he tells you that you're not bringing them up well, he's brought his lazy daughter live with you. Not only did you not do throw him out, you're now supporting them both and say that you love the girl despite her eccentrics. Fine. You're a nice person. Then just don't complain.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 October 2016):

Honeypie agony auntIs HE contributing financially to YOUR household or no?

If I recall he doesn't pay you squat, right? THEN it's YOUR choice to let him LIVE off you or ... set some boundaries and "demands". If he can afford to pay the ex-wife, he can afford (you'd think) to help pay bills....

OR

If he is helping with bills on an (around 50%) decent amount, I don't see how YOU should have any say in how he does child support. I DO agree that it's RIDICULOUS for him to PAY the mother CS when the "child" is living full time with him and you. LEGALLY, though, he HAS to. UNLESS he talks to the case worker, get a lawyer, set up a court meeting and iron out a payment agreement that states IF she lives with HIM she (the ex-wife) gets nothing. ( unless he pays alimony too, then she gets THAT portion but no CS).

IF he doesn't PAY the court ordered CS, he will be in contempt of the court, the divorce decree, and CS arrangement. doesn't REALLY matter where the "child lives.

So in short, it might be "easier" and "cheaper" to pay the ex-wife the CS instead of having to hire a lawyer and deal with the court system. And if he was "conned" into thinking it would ONLY be for 30 days (one month's worth of CS ) I can see why he found that easier.

As for how the "kids" see the CS, well it's irrelevant. They are LAWS in place. My guess is that BOTH girls are old enough and smart enough to know what CS covers, but they use manipulation to get their dad to pay because they know HE feels guilty about the divorce. And your partner rather feels guilty and pay. Or just feel guilty. Maybe he thinks he is being a GOOD parent and ex-husband by "helping" the ex-wife.

And no, teenage girls are not lazy by nature. I have 2 and one "tween" none of them are lazy. They want an allowance? THEY do chores. They want extra money or things, they do "extra" things around the house/yard.

Unfortunately, YOU are not her parent. He CHOOSES to enable her. Personally, I'd stop cooking "special" food and I'd STOP cleaning up after her. She wants "special" dinners? SHE can cook them herself or her DAD can do that. If she leaves messes all over the house - get a few laundry baskets, put her junk in them and dump it in her room. If SHE wants to live in a messy room, LET HER. Just close the door. Seriously.

Or have a chat with her DAD. Tell him, HERE is a list of things that need to be done with regards to your daughter. Like laundry and cleaning up. HE can do them OR delegate HIS daughter to do them.

YOU are getting frustrated and resentful, BUT you don't CHANGE the things you CAN CHANGE. And that is, HOW you react to what's going on.

YOU let him stay in your house, YOU let her move in (and now you are stuck with her too). YOU clean up after her you COOK for her... etc.

YOU make some choices here too. Remember you CAN NOT change other people, YOU CAN only change how you REACT and your OWN choices. So make choices that make SENSE to you, and if you don't WANT to run around and clean up after her, DON'T. TELL her LAZY DAD to get it done.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (31 October 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe and his ex have raised two entitled daughters - one going so far as to cut contact because he wasn't paying for her any more.

You have no say in raising her, so I think you should stop paying and cleaning up after her. Tell him you're happy for her to live with you, but she has to clean up after herself and you can't pay for her any more because it's not your child support to pay.

You can't make him go to court to fix it, but you can limit your financial involvement.

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