A
male
age
36-40,
*oul83
writes:Firstly, a big thankyou to the agony aunts who helped me through some past difficult times :)I can bring some good news. I'm still married (I'll get to that in a bit) and my work situation has improved so much. I went through a rocky period of working for a bad employer, but now I'm doing work experience in a pathology lab. I feel right at home in the lab :)Right, good news aside, I have to admit that I'm having a very hard life with the woman I chose to marry. There are times when I feel like getting out and she has been brandishing words along the lines of 'show me you are a man and be happy/carefree or go back to your parents home'. In a sense, she is trying to kick me out.I was acting angry and upset this morning (I've earned the title of angry from her) because she called me a woman last night over catching me looking at the message history on her phone. That was enough to set her off this morning using nasty words over the breakfast table and putting a sly smile on her face while she was lost in thought. I said 'who are you thinking about?' the reply? 'anyone but you, I would rather think about anyone, even a dog, but you'...she got up and walked off to the room and sat in there with the door closed. I was thinking lovely, I made her breakfast and she behaved like she was thinking about someone else and the sight of me was turning her stomach.I came to the room and looked at her. She eventually (before leaving) turned soft, kissed me, hugged me and said she still loved me and to stop being a baby??How was I being a baby??She also complained on the way out that I take everything to heart and need to let go of whatever is said and get on with life. What a load of crap?Now you have a frame of reference, let me ask a CRUCIAL QUESTION: How can I become happy and carefree when my attempts to show love to her are met with nasty comments? How am I supposed to fake a smile and why the hell should I?More info on something that bothers me:She has been chatting to some male friends for a while now. I have told her that she needs to control it because it is becoming a daily habit. They are all male.When I checked her phone last night, I didn't understand the recorded message she sent, but I found out it was to another man that I didn't know about (another school friend by the look of it). That's when she became defensive.[They are all back in China thousands of kilometers away and know that she is married]The situation is becoming like this: she will get home from work, eat dinner with me, talk very little, get into the shower, go to the room and jump on the computer. Then she will start the chatting process which will last for up to a couple of hours. Last night I wanted to watch a movie, she complained that her eyes were sore and wanted to go to sleep early.Our wedding anniversary, she ignored it and didn't do anything. I let it go because I was planning to take her out next week anyway.Every time she chats to her guy friends, I just leave the room and come back after a couple of hours when she's finished.I'll tell you one little thing that I thought felt weird last week: for the first time in over 8 months (the length of time we have been in living in Australia), she came and sat with me on the lounge out in the living room and was being playful and connecting to me :) that was like a godsend. I felt like we were really a couple for the first time in years. I wish I could have more days like that. Where she would switch off the computer and stop chasing other men. The pattern is always the same, she finds someone to flirt to and becomes nasty to me until she gets over the infatuation and starts to come back to me.My wishes are simple:- She speaks with respect- She stops trying to connect to other guys all the time (she's married and behaving like a young teenager trying to act like a tease).- She spends more nights hanging out with me and stops acting stuck up and bored.- She for once in her god damned life comes out and stands in the kitchen with me while I wash up to at least chat to me and act loving.The marriage is a ticking time bomb. I've outlined my most basic wants/needs. I am beginning to think there are women out there who can fill the gap but I'm faithful to my vows (and to a slightly lesser extent to my wife - if you understand the distant feeling I have at the moment).I have tried, to no avail, to express my wants. Sometimes I get the immature response of 'if you are a millionare or at least have a job where I don't have to work anymore (she is working for minimum wage at the moment while I look for work), then I will stay home and be loving to you'...Why is it so conditional? I watched my mate who is married and they seem happy. He has never been out of the country. In fact, he studied with me at uni and now he works a night shift in a newspaper distribution center. He is back at uni studying and she is working as an ESL teacher (she previously taught in Japan for a couple of years). They are supporting each other. They are happy from what I can tell. They have established social lives and busy schedules.I don't have much of a social life, I'm more of a loner (but that's ok right?). I've been back home for about 8 months and found it hard to track down old friends now that I am living a couple of hours away from the town they all lived in (most have moved interstate or overseas and have families anyway).I think I'm smart and I'm tired of chasing after and holding onto the woman I call my wife. She just doesn't understand me. I want to move forward but the black cloud over my head is her chatting to other men. She just doesn't get it. She calls them friends but when I see a random word in english saying "dildo" from one of the chat histories, what am I supposed to think?I'm deeply disappointed. Hurt in fact. I can't see her changing which is why every day I move closer and closer towards moving on, getting some nice female friends and pushing forward without her.I tried counselling and was told some good advice on how not to let emotions drive you and the importance of not letting external factors decide your mood (eg. if it's raining, it is not the rain's fault if you are upset - it's your reaction so you are in control of how you feel).Last question, can anybody on this earth tell me how I can be happy with this woman when she doesn't listen to me?She reckons that she would go crazy if I was all of her life. I thought marriage was about being faithful and not chatting up other men?Her high school guy friend that she talks to every day has helped her to photograph and pay for an electronic version of a book she wanted. Fair enough. She paid him back the money and sent a bit extra for him (apparently it was her way to thank him for all the financial help he provided during their college years). She has been trying to get him out to Australia.She always reads about how to get the Australian passport and about the implications of travel. I've intercepted communication with her friends that sounds like she wants to take up international tourism again once she gets the passport...But to my face she says she wants to settle, buy a house with me, have a child and be a stay at home mum.Firstly, she is contradictory. Secondly, I won't bring up a child in an environment where she is busy chatting to other men. Is she going to have men hanging around? BS.Finally, she has managed to save a very substantial amount by receiving cash in the hand and getting me to pay for everything inc. the rent, mobile phone contracts, food, petrol and private health insurance. I have very little to my name but a lot of that can be attributed to the lack of work at the moment.I expected it to be hard. But I'm getting there workwise :)As for her 'friends that are better than me' attitude? Well, her friends can't speak English and the one that lives nearby to us (he can), he has explained to me that he hates working in the western workplace environment because of the language and cultural difficulties. He doesn't get the jokes etc. I was thinking that is perfectly normal. He is young (only 20) and busy studying accounting.I'm sick to bits of having my wife chatting to these men. It's the thing I can't accept and will never in my life accept. One day I will walk away because of it. Because I feel like I'm in the middle of a love triangle or something.I should be her primary focus but I'm not and it annoys me to have her act bored or disinterested with me. She says that my attitude is behaving like a baby. But when I act cool, distant, angry and like I don't care? She becomes strong and starts acting like a, for want of better words, a tart (holding her head high and behaving like she is a single woman and will get whatever she wants).I'm exhausted!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): Hi.My sympathies for the pain.A relationship, any relationship as that of a partner requires an honest analysis of your goals, what joy is to each.What are your values?It sounds like she is "selfish without reciprocation," in a sense...Often, partners want a common base. A common base of support.And often, saying stupid, untrue shit about your partner, rather than working towards the truth, is really not good. Not cool. :-)But, you care for her, or you care for something which is exemplified in the relationship to keep trying.I think... what might bring you clarity is the examination of what it is you care for that has to do with her. Perhaps disentangling the goal from the form will enable you to see better.It does sound like it might be likely that the degree to which she cares is different from yours, and also different from what you would honestly truly want.And, while your partner/wife may acquiesce to demands that alleviate the incorrectness (potentially sexual chats with other men), correctness might not be moved towards (joy, connection, or if not those, some things which you might desire.)Are your goals coincident?It is difficult to state this with certainty without really being inside it all --responsibility, pain, not.. care, joy--, but perhaps it is somewhat likely that the relationship you currently have is not correct. And, it should be rearranged in some way out of many, possibly involving her not being your wife/romantic -partner-, at least until she or both of you are more evolved and compatible.Remember, the form of something does not mean the end is possible. A handsome, charming man does not equate to someone who is suitable as a partner and will treat the partner with respect. And, the goal, the ends, is crucial.Our life is precious.It makes sense that another human being you are with values her time. This is good! In a word - She values herself. Completely fine. Your time, decisions, values, should also be a value you hold for yourself, as a human being.--Asexual [I do not identify a specific gender for myself and select default first, because we are all human, first.]
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 My partner has been out of work since the end of January. I don’t call him loser. I am supporting him. I come home and make dinner. I love him and play games with him at night. We have a wonderful time together and I wish I could spend more time with him.
Soul83, clearly your lack of experience with women led you to believe that this woman you made your wife has acceptable behavior. SHE DOES NOT. And I strongly believe that she married you not out of love but out of a need for the visa. I think that this marriage is not supportive of you. Nor do I see it improving if you don’t demand it.
You have several choices here.
1. End the marriage (sadly the easiest and probably best thing to do) as it’s really very one sided
2. DEMAND better behavior from her and when she does not give it to her, then her “reward” is NOTHING from you… no communication, NO help, NO funds, NO AFFECTION, NOTHING.
3. Marriage counseling. (expensive and you probably would have to find a place that works with your budget) AND both of you have to want to go… and work at it.. .and I’m betting she does not see a problem with the marriage and wont' want to go.
I wish you peace and happiness and I hope you find it soon.
there is no need for someone to be SO unhappy.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 @soul83 that explains a lot. You've never dated anyone else and you marry this lady. That explains why she hooked you and why you fell for it despite all the issues.
I'm assuming therefore you were a virgin when you met? Do you make love to her now? Have you ever? Would be curious to hear if there is a loving physical side to this relationship because it doesn't seem to have been mentioned.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 You will receive the treatment you accept. You've shared quite a bit with us over the course of several questions and follow-ups. There seems to be nothing new -- how she's treating you now is pretty much what you were describing six months ago. Why do you continue to accept such harsh disrespect? Why on earth would you wait for her to leave you?
Sometimes marriage is a mistake. The past six months would suggest that this one was. The best way to begin the healing process is to stand up for yourself, starting *right now.*
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (12 June 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@harshbutfair: I don't have a dating history outside this woman... I took her to the 3d imax last night. We saw prometheus and she couldn't follow or understand. It was her first time to see the big screen and she was excited at first.
But after the film she was very angry and said my surprises ate shit (it wasn't a surprise so I don't understand), the movie was shit and that I always disappoint her...
Ay home she played some videos from YouTube about being a loser and explained that being jobless and only having a small room is killing her. She wants me working which is fair enough but she doesn't know what kind of future we will have.
That's what she communicates. About the chatting, she stopped that which surprised me.
She is so angry that after 8 months, I don't have ongoing full time employment. I am very much expecting her to leave and I blame myself for not working hard enough and choosing the wrong woman. We are both still young enough to find the right people.
Her personality has always been selfish. If she doesn't like something, she quickly says it wasted her valuable hours. Who does she think she is? Somebody care to explain this personality trait?
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (12 June 2012):
Looking back through your questions it's not entirely clear, given the many problems, why you married this lady?
It is however clear why she married you, because she gets a visa to Australia which I imagine is very valuable to her.
You need to understand that once her visa has vested and she is entitled to stay, and she finds someone she likes better, she will leave you.
She does not love you and although you are trying hard to love her, her behaviour is stopping you.
It would be intersting to hear your dating history before you met her.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I understand. Everything is clear then. Divorce her. she has no right calling you a loser. and she has no right to make ur life miserable. and u have no right letting her do that. divorce her and stop getting so sentimental. any other guy would have divorced her by now. ur wife doesnt belong to the kind of women who will appreciate a romantic guy. She's someone that takes advantage of people AND can never experience love. she just fakes it. shes the type of woman that wants to be with a 'bad boy'. and u certainly are a sweetheart. please make friends. dont rely on one woman only. next time try to find a woman locally...but first focus on finding a job. dont fall for her hugging and kissing. whatever she says to u, dont try and interpret it. just find a job that pays the bills now so u can afford a place to live by urself. Dont tell her ur divorcing her... lets see if she will invite that guy to australia and try to get him a visa first.. :) revenge isnt worth it. U will take ur revenge by BEING AWAY FROM HIM, MEETING NEW PEOPLE , GETTING A GOOD JOB AND EVENTUALLY A GIRLFRIEND. start working out and no more being sensitive. man up.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 June 2012):
 You're obviously unhappy, you say you want to get away from her, so leave her. What's stopping you?
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (5 June 2012):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@mizz.butterflies: ok I might be boring but don't you think that is a poor excuse for ignoring your spouse or not listening to their feelings?The reason why? Check my question history for starters.Last night I finally reached the point where I couldn't stand my wife any longer. She is really connected to her college buddy back in China and they laugh and joke ans act like the best buddies. Meanwhile me, her husband, must endure this almost every night for a couple of hours.You might think it is alright for a married woman to chat up single men online and connect to them. But what about how poorly I'm treated?She doesn't laugh and joke with me. Time spent with me involves minimal talking and insults. I'm told I'm a loser for not having work. I'm doing the best I can while between jobs.She says she loves me but sits there playing music and chatting away with her friend. She invited me to speak to him and the whole time he mocked me and they appeared to be laughing at me. He kept giggling like an idiot and he knows everything about our lack of money here in Australia, my lack of work at the moment (I'm chasing pathology jobs and completing work experience), how we rent a bedroom in a sharehouse etc.I came home upset this evening. Why? Because she got home before me, made herself lots of food and didn't bother to make me dinner. I got told 'who are you to ask dinner? You don't work, I do. You are a loser. You don't have any money. Loser.'Then she cooled down and asked.me to help her learn English. We sat together in bed with me teaching her.I tell you what though, I was very unwell earlier and came to bed physically shaking after almost throwing up for half an hour. I had to ask her to hug me to help warm up. She then burst into tears and said she hopes I don't drop dead on her. Something about me having one kidney etc. She told me not to think so much and not to worry...Her friend did say to me that he hopes that my wife and i have a happy life together. But I felt it was fake. He was laughing and they both seemed to laugh at me for having little money. So my mother who was on the phone and heard the whole conversation also thought the same. Because I phoned mum to talk about my job searching and brought the phone to say hello to her then the wife was asked who she was talking to and she became defensive.Basically I have had enough of her sitting in the room talking to this bloke laughing and joking meanwhile she doesn't make the effort to come out and connect with her husband. She should be laughing with me and enjoying life with me. Instead, she calls me names, looks at me badly a lot and leaves me outside while she laughs away with her bf.I'm more upset by the fact that I learnt a while ago that she left her ex for me. We originally connected through the computer by spending hours chatting and talking about almost anything. I didn't know she was with another man at the time.When we first got here, we were happy. We were pretty connected and everything seemed alright but in that time, she has managed to work consistently and saved a substantial amount whilst I did my best between jobs.It has been a struggle and I have endured a lot of name calling and bad remarks from her. I apparently start her off. Not sure about that. Anyway, I found her chatting to more Chinese guys when I snooped her chat history. A translated message from a new guy saying he just got back from a business trip...no other messages as the others seem deleted.Basically I'm so fed up that I don't care anymore and want to get away from her. She has seen me upset and thinks nothing of it. Her attitude is that she needs a friend like him because they share a common language and I am quite sure more than that too. He even suggested a romance movie. I tried to suggest that one back in China and got told it was crap.Spiritually, emotionally and physically I'm exhausted. I can't sit back and watch the woman who is supposed to be my wife, calling me weirdo and then saying her heart is further and further away from me. I'm being fed bs lines by her. The thing is that this unhealthy environment is destroying my chances of employment. I'm constantly unhappy. I'm sure that bloke knows she is unhappy, yet he continues to mock me and say to my face that she told him that she is happy despite the lack of money. But why is she sharing details of our intimate relationship with another man?I'm so disappointed. So angry that I want some way to exact perfect revenge. Sending her home is not enough. I want her to suffer like I am. I want her to see what she has done.Counselling? Forget it and she won't go. Why should I keep trying to get close to her when she sits in the room laughing away with another man and living in fantasy land? You know what she said to me? It is my fault er don't have a house and that migrant workers come here to Australia and find work within one month, so why do I take so long to find work when I'm a native. But I'm not working for below minimum wage and scrubbing toilets at the moment.I know I will have a good job. Just my wish is the same as before I left to go to China for love, my wish back here in Australia is to find love. I don't want to be with my wife anymore even if she still hugs me and acts like she wants to build a future together at times.She says they are just friends. But my deep heart cannot accept a relationship where my partner laughs and jokes around with another bloke in the bedroom on her computer for hours while her husband is ignored outside. She is completely oblivious to me. They laugh and joke together while she looks at me with contempt. I am lost...
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A
female
reader, licallion  +, writes (3 June 2012):
Hiya
firstly i hope to not inflict what i believe is the right answer but only help you to see the right thing for yourself.
i want first to talk about the "dildo" message on the screen. And i will say this, when you go onto chat room you CANNOT control what some people write to you.
Maybe, she didn't intend for that message... benefit of the doubt
I also would like to say that you married her in the first place, what has changed from then until now? that question is for yourself to answer but you once loved this woman.
The passport thing she has been working on may just be that she wants to help these people out by helping them get to Australia which a lot of people want to do for the job opportunities there and also for the sun.
I believe that perhaps she is very stressed out with work, by her answer "maybe if you were a millionaire ...etc"
I don't think its fair for anyone male or female in the relationship to say that their partner cannot talk to the opposite sex now that they are a "couple" or even "married".
I would not be happy if my boyfriend of 8years said that to me (and he has in the past) but most of my closest friends are male.. in the beginning he was jealous and un-trusting for no good reason.
it caused a lot of conflict between us. years passed and now all my friends have kids etc. and he's fine with me being friends with them now don't worry too much about her chatting to males.
Also, it may just be the comforting fact that she is speaking to people from her homeland, she may be homesick just ..
i hope this helps
Lisa
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A
female
reader, shellycg +, writes (3 June 2012):
 First of all you need to ask yourself is it really worth you staying around with a woman who for want of a better word takes the complete micky out of you, she takes your money, ignores you , treats you terribly and you are expected to stay around.. and not act like a baby ... to be honest if a lady wrote all of what you wrote about a man then i think the majority of agony aunts on here would say get rid... your wife chats to men on the computer, whether its harmless or not its not acceptable, also she should be spending quality time with you, i really think shes playing mind games with you ... she doesnt sound like a very nice person (sorry) and you shouldnt have to be grateful when shes in a good playful mood, it should be like that more often than not, life is too short to waste your time on someone who you love dearly who doesnt love you back - hugs to you x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 June 2012):
 Sounds to me that she is regretting the marriage and feels stuck with you. Did she marry you to get to live in Australia or because she genuinely LOVES you?
I think she is also very homesick and that is ONE of the reason she is talking to these guys from back home. Another thing is she KNOWS it will make you mad and it seems like she has nothing better to do then create drama with/for you.
Does she work? Has she been home lately? Spend some time with family?
Do you guys actually TALK about how you feel without trying to purposely hurt each other?
Is there a Chinese community where she can spend some time?
And last but not least, do you really WANT to be with her or are you just going through the motions because you married her?
I think the two of you should consider finding a neutral 3rd person, someone who understand your background and can help you work things out.
If you can't maybe it's time to walk away from the marriage. Find your own happiness.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (3 June 2012):
That was a long read lol
But from what I've gathered, you sound like a doormat, a pushover. She's chatting to guys for hours daily, you complain to her about it, but she still does it anyway.
I think you are trying to rely on her too much, that's why you're noticing so many behavioural problems with her, you need to have a life away from her with 'friends', so you need to make some that you can spend time with just to get away from it all.
IMO you guys don't sound like a very good match and if you're already leaning to the option of leaving her, I think it'd be better if you did and moved onto someone who is more accepting of you because she seems to be very disrespectful.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (3 June 2012):
the truth is gonna hurt.
now listen.
1) yes your wife is wrong for chatting up all these dudes BUT ... PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH WHAT POEOPLE LET THEM GET AWAY WITH.
repeat 10 times .
What does this mean?
from reading ur post, ive understood one thing. Ur slightly boring. u mentioned ur a loner... who wants to be with a loner? Not someone with an opposite personality. ur wife seems outgoing, friendly, bubbly. she feels the NEED to have friends. u can't undertand this because u dont have that need in you.
its no excuse that ur friends have moved or have families. u cant expect to have the same friends throughout life. why dont u focus on making new friends instead of nagging about ur wife? Ur all up in her case. It would be healthy if u had mutual friends or even a male buddy u can hang out with. outgoing women respect men who have friends more.
however, the level of disrespect has reached dangerous levels.
my suggestions
1) ASK TO TALK TO HER SERIOUSLY. Ask her 1) whats the deal about the guy who plans to get to australia? demand a clear answer.
2) ASK her whether she wants to break up.
if she says no, ask her what can be done, in her opinion, to fix things.
Meanwhile, without telling her, start looking for friends. from work, or join a gym, or some other activity. THIS IS A CRUCIAL PART. start hanging out with men. the thing is, ur available to her all the time. u do act like a woman seeking for attention while ur man is busy chatting up girls. ur wife has realized this and probably doesnt end things because shes alone in a foreign country with you.
get ready to move on. the steps i told u to follow is because a) u wanna see her reacton b) u will move on more easily.
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A
male
reader, Cutless  +, writes (3 June 2012):
Start behaving differently and distant from her,spend more time at work place,try not to share thesame bed with her and mayb try sleeping on the couche for some times i know its hard,but it is time you make your home your own,show her who is the boss.tøo much of everything is bad,being too good to her in this situation is bad.if you cant take it anymore just walk away and never look back.when she ask you whats the problem tell her that she is behaving like a baby that she need to grow up like she told you.try much as possible to be social, confide in your friends and make new ones spend more time with them make female frds too,maybe you wil find someone better that love you 4 you.and if you then walk away. Goodluck and remember in this situation you are the man goodluck
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