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Why has my husband got a secret lock code on his phone?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 June 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2014)
A female Maldives age 41-50, *ainaaa writes:

Can anyone tell me what could be the reason for my husband having a secret lock code in his cell. He cheated on me once and could this be he cheating me still?

Do any of your husbands or you yourself do as such? When he was cheating on me the same way he treated and I have been sick of this.

I used the phone during the month we got back after a fight of 9 months break. Please help me.

View related questions: cheated on me

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A female reader, motherof6kids United States +, writes (30 June 2014):

Not sure I can be much of a a marriage there should be no secrets.if he has a lock code and nothing to hide then he shouldn't have a problem letting you have it.if you've asked him to give you code and he won't cause he says there's nothing on there then say in a nice way ok to help me feel better about it you punch your code in and we can look at your phone together.if he's still not wanting to do that then I'd say he's probably hiding something and I can say this cause its happened to me and he was hiding thingsen who have nothing to hide let you in.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008):

Poor girl-- your kids will suffer more in an unhappy family than they would if you were happy and free. If your husband won't go to marriage counseling, even if you beg him to for your happiness, he doesn't seem very invested in your relationship.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to go see a marriage counselor yourself, to see if there is a way to salvage anything, or whether you would be best off leaving this poisonous atmosphere.

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A female reader, nainaaa Maldives +, writes (15 June 2008):

nainaaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi again, Namatjira

answers for the questions u asked:

1) I want to be able to trust him but i dnt know if i can.

2) I loved him sooooooooooo much but after his cheat i dnt know where it had gone. Now i am with him only for the sake of the kids.

3) If he regret then he shudnt be having such things secret. As he works as an editor of a newspaper, from the time he got the job he keeps too bz.This really worries me becz he stays away from home (maybe in the ofis) till late at night.I dnt like this at all.For this reason I belive he is cheating.

4) I dnt know if he has the contact or not.He chats thru internet, i dnt knw if he contacts them/her on phone.I asked him once, if he have contact but he said NO.I can never beliv his words.HE IS A wat i belive.

5) We have never gone to any councelling together and he will not.I am very much sure he will not go for it.

I just want to get away from him but how can I? I am not gonna suffer by this.Neither he. Only the kids wud suffer. Our kids r 7/5 ages. This is y I am still trying. He is really a true LIAR. Pls help.

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A male reader, Namatjira United Kingdom +, writes (15 June 2008):

Hi again.

Clearly you still have major trust issues with your husband so I am guessing that his cheating on you was recent. If you think he will always cheat on you, why do you stay with him? Have you asked him about the code and why you cannot have it? Do you have your own mobile phone to use or is his the only mobile phone you have access to? These things can make a difference. You say that other husbands do not mind these things but that is too general. I did not have anything to hide from my ex but I also resented that I had no private space at all. Every person needs some privacy. Now because of my work there are things I cannot share with a partner or spouse and my mobile and computer must be secured. For that reason I make a careful difference between personal use and work use, so I have 2 phones and 2 computer login accounts, one each for work and personal. Many people also have these valid reasons for keeping confidential matters relating to work. I do not speak for your husband and do not know enough to say, but the main issues as I see them are these:

1) Do you want to be able to trust him again?

2) Do you want to stay together because of love or is there other reasons like children, lifestyle, etc.?

3) Does he appear to regret cheating on you?

4) Is he still in contact with the person he cheated with and is it possible for this contact to stop?

5) Have you both been to relationship counselling to try and repair things or find out how they can be repaired?

This last one is the most important. You both need to see a professional counsellor to guide you through these tricky times. Repairing a relationship is hard and trying to often fails because either both people were not really trying together, or because professional help was sought too late and the damage was too big.

If you really want to make it work, you must really try hard to not suspect every little thing and to also tell him how it makes you feel when you think he has secrets. Try really hard not to accuse or to remind him of what you both know he has done. He knows he was a rat. You need him to know that he can be forgiven and that he can get your trust back if he puts in the effort. But really, you do need help together or it will not work.

All the best.

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A female reader, nainaaa Maldives +, writes (15 June 2008):

nainaaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Namatjira, he cheated me and I always think that he wud do it. Things are still the same as b4. This is the reason i do not like him using a secret code and its secret for me. He never let me use the cell. I feel that he is hiding something from me the way he did. Why wont he let me use his cell while other husbands dont care about their wives using the cell.In the meantime this is onething i always complain. If he want me to think that he is true why dont he let me use it? Pls reply and thnx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008):

My husband and I have lock codes on both our phones... and we know each others' codes. We also know each others' email passwords, etc.

The way I like to deal with things in our family is not to snoop on purpose, but everyone should realize that they don't have complete privacy-- everyone can unlock all doors, and one never knows when a phone conversation may be overheard or another person might look over your shoulder at your screen. Closets, underwear drawers, basement storage, and under the bed are cleaned often enough that dirty little secrets would be hard to hide. Keeps us honest without feeling like we're being distrusted.

Good luck and hope you are able to introduce more openness in your relationship.

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A male reader, Namatjira United Kingdom +, writes (14 June 2008):

It depends on the phone but some phones use a code just to stop a person from accidentally dialling a number while it is in a packet or bag. It is quite common really so taken by itself I would not attach any importance to it. But, if you have other reasons to be concerned, talk to him. The worst thing you can do is go around sneaking behind his back at this point. Regardless of the past, you have allowed him back into your life and if you treat him as if he is still cheating he may just reach the stage where he thinks "why not if I am being accused of it all the time". Of course that would not make it right, but people are human and make bad decisions.

The only way a person can know they are being trusted is if they do not have to continually justify things. And if you do not trust him then you should reconsider the relationship because I can assure you that if you treat him with distrust all the time he may just leave. No person can emotionally survive and put all into rebuilding a relationship if they constantly feel that they are on trial.

All the best.

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A female reader, lexilou United Kingdom +, writes (14 June 2008):

lexilou agony auntMy husband has never had a lock on his phone and I wouldnt expect him to, why would he need to?? Maybe some married couples do this but I would be naturally suspicious if my hubbie did this and would want to know why x

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