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Why don't I want sex with my boyfriend any more??

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 November 2008) 13 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 3 months now. He is the only guy I have had regular sex with. Every time he kisses me I get claustrophobic and when he tries it on with me I get annoyed and it does nothing for me at all. I am now only having sex with him because he wants it and I don't want him to seek it elsewhere. Apart from the physical side of things we are actually okay and he is planning on proposing to me soon I think - which gets me excited! I'm not sure If I'm still with him because I love him or because I need him - like a security blanket. When we talk about our future I get excited by it, however the thought of how our sex life would be in 10 years time scares me!!

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have sex with other men - although I would never do this unless I was single. Every time we have tried going on a break I've been in tears and wanted him back but this doesn't resolve the issue of physical side. Please give me some advice. He's a very special man and I don't wanna hurt him if he proposes to me...

View related questions: a break, sex life

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012):

Hi- I was so happy to find this question, and the slew of answers, because I really have no one to talk to about this problem. I moved in with my boyfriend of 3 years about 6 months ago and since the move, I can count the number of times we've had sex on one hand. IT IS TERRIBLE. I am very depressed because I am far from home and family, plus I had trouble finding a job for awhile, and I put on weight.... not to mention we are recovering from a break-up due to me having sex with another guy. After hearing all this, you'd probably ask why we don't just break up?? But we are in our mid-twenties now, and a break-up no longer means not saying "hi" in the halls. It means finding someplace to LIVE- alone, it means deciding who gets the cat, it means saying no to a secure future. I'd like to think if our sex life was normal, everything would be fine. I need to figure out how to get my mojo back and want him again!!

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A female reader, confused6085 Venezuela +, writes (9 March 2012):

Hi!!

How did all this end up? I am exactly in the same situation, and despite I love my boyfriend and even lived with him I have always felt this kind of void. I just don't want him to touch me anymore. I have always liked him physically but not sexually.

Helpp!!! this hurts so much!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011):

I feel as though you have written down the questions that I was too afraid to admit to myself for the last while! I have been with my boyfriend for the last 4 years and I'm only 20. I'm in college and I love it because, unlike when I go out with my boyfriend, the people there know me for just me and, to them, I am not linked to anyone because I very rarely talk about my boyfriend. Some of my other friends love to talk about their boyfriends and girlfriends but there are some of us who just dont. For me its because Im still so young and I hate feeling so tied down and who's going to hit on me and make me feel good about myself if Im going on about my boyfreind?! Perhaps its the same for you? A great thing for self esteem is attention, not suggesting that you have low self esteem but its only natutal to want to feel that new excitement more than once in life. Save that settled down stuff for marriage! Dont do anything that makes you unhappy, even if that means not having sex. If you can work a relationship around your own happiness than thats great and youv got a great guy but if the relationship is disolving and your doing what you want than thats just the way it goes. Your probably not ready for such a massive commitment. Go an experience life and see what makes you happy, theres more to you than him! Explain this to him and maybe he will let go of you or maybe you'll crumble and neither of you will find it easy to move on but the first step is to be completely honest even if you know he doesnt want to hear it. Go from there. Best of luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011):

Hi im know this sounds selfish but im so happy that im not the only one. I'm 26 years old and i've been with my boyfriend for 2years i love him alot but there has never been that passion for him and whenever he touches me i get so angry and it feels like rape that sometimes i feel so bad in the middle of sex i have to stop it. Its not always like that but i only have sex like once every two months were i would want it a little. But then again i can't imagine life without him he has helped me so much in my life and he makes me laugh, but i long for that spark and passion and butterflies in the stomach but its just not there. I think about other guys alot although like yourself i would never cheat on him as he is too good for that, but i always have some ex on my mind or some hot guy on my mind. But like you im also looking for answers i dont want to leave him as we have a life together and its hard to start over plus i love his company but there is the most important thing missing:( and i so want to make it work

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A female reader, raffles United Kingdom +, writes (3 January 2011):

Am going through the same myself. Been with my boyfriend for 4 years and for 2 of those we have not had any sexual contact at all. I adore him though, i just can't imagine having sex with him anymore. We used to have a great sex life and i have no idea what happened. The problem is i don't want to have sex with anyone, it's not just him. I no longer look at a guy and think 'phwoor', its all gone. I wonder if it's my age (40) or whether i just need a break from him?? He treats me like a queen and is so loving and i just can't imagine being apart from hi. And to top it all he has been sooo patient! I can't imagine many men waiting this long! Help!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008):

I understand how you feel completely. I am actually going through the same problem as you are. The only thing different is that I have been married to my husband for almost 7 years and we have 2 kids. I can't stand anything physical with him. This has been going on for over a year now. Prior to that, our sex life was great. He is in the Army and brought me and our children to Germany, which is the worst move ever. Living here is like living in a fish bowl. I don't know if I resent him for that, but I get sick knowing that I will have sex with him, only for his pleasure though. I want it to be over with the moment we start. I will not kiss him as that sickens me. I think that I am with him because he is my security blanket. I would think hard about marrying him because imagine life 7 years from now. I wish you luck....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008):

like everyone else i'm very confused. u must like him coz when u r on a break u want him back? or do u just hate being without a BF? u said sex was good for 1 yr, that u don't 'get a lot out of it' & 'he has let himself go' & u got aroused through porn. the above r sensitive subjects to the male ego BUT u have to begin by communicating your feelings (of course in an empathetic, sensitive but assertive manner). it's tough but u have 2 say he needs to go to the gym more (perhaps u can go 2gether), he needs to be a more skilled lover, if porn works why not add some spice (the above could freak him out so go carefully & slowly u also need to hear his side of story). good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008):

I stand by my previous answer...don't go to the next level if you are questioning where you are right now!

Let him know how you are feeling. Before you accept a marriage proposal, try some couples counseling. You don't want to enter an engagement and ultimately a marriage with questions and doubts.

I wish you luck and hope you can find away to resolve the problems. Start by talking to your guy!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008):

Oh my god! it is honestly like i've written your problem myself, I'm 20 in a relationship for almost 3 years and have no enjoyment out of sex at all infact dont even like being touched anymore anywhere! I havent initaited any breaks or anything as I care so much about him and dont want to hurt his feelings.

Guess the only difference is I don't do anything to pleasure myself and not intersted in porn, but i do think about having sex with other men.

I too am interested in the other aunts n uncles replys as they would be helping me too.

Good luck hun xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008):

hey! so IM THE ONE WHO POSTED THE QUESTION AND HAVE BEEN ASKED FOR MORE DETAIL.. wasnt sure how to add more so am writing it here...Firstly no it wasnt always like this. Our sexlife was quite frequent for the first year and has gradually gone down hill. One of the reasons for this is one i know for a fact and that is that Ive never enjoyed sex in the sense of 'o my god its amazing' and rarely orgasm from it without the help of a mr ann summers friend! So that i know is a reason for it as each time it comes to it I know hes gonna get loads from it and I'm not. I'm not sure if its him or not in bed as i havnt really had other partners (Apart from a couple 1night stands) and he has had no other sexual partner either.

I spend ages at the gym and looking after myself and sometimes feel begrudged that he dosnt do the same and ha sslowly let himself go abit. however he is always showering me with compliments and is the best most loving boyfriend I could ever ask for. The reason i am not sure I still love him is beacsue of our physical problems.

Another answer on detail is that no i never fake orgasms so he knows I dont get as much out of sex as i perhaps should. And yes i have fancied other men and thought about them sexually. Ive even watched porn sometimes too which gets me going! One time we both watched it and I jumped on him and he said he had never seen me so horney. This got him insecure and since we have never watched it again.

Outside the bedroom we are very affectionate, we hold hands and cuddle alot etc, I just sometimes get clasutraphobic when he leans in to kiss me and I'm against a wall etc. I am natrually a claustraphobic person anyway so not sure if this is why.

And it is always me who initiates the break-due to this. hope this helps eveyone to be able to answer this more. My best friend is currently in the same situation with her long term boyf and is the same age (20) so i know its not just me-whatever is wrong!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008):

I think all Tish-1's questions are valid. We need more info! If you are using this guy as a security blanket...in years to come...he will walk out on you! Don't accept his proposal. It wouldn't be fair to either of you!

I suggest you take sometime for yourself. work on being with you! I spent years in relationship due to fear of the unknown...it's a lonely life! You are young enough to start off on the right foot. The first step is to explore yourself and become comfortable with who you are. Then you can begin to think about a significant other! Stop using this guy as a yo-yo! It's so unfair to him!

In the meantime, it you can provide us with more information we could probably help you more.

Good Luck

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (25 November 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntEek! You definitely shouldn't get married until you figure out why your reaction to sex with him is claustrophobia, annoyance and lack of arousal. Have you ever been aroused by sex with him? Have you ever initiated sex? Are you two romantic, cuddling, kissing (without claustrophobia), holding hands, physically affectionate outside the bedroom?

I hate to say this, but you need to be realistic about what you're getting out of this relationship besides the security blanket. If he's not doing it in the bedroom, is it you or is it him?

You say you wonder what sex would be like with another man, does this mean your guy is not very good in bed? Does he care about your arousal and your pleasure? Have you been faking orgasms?

Sorry for all the questions, but I think answering some of them might help the aunts and uncles give you their best advice.

Do you masturbate at all? Do you ever feel aroused? Do you fantasize about sex?

And let's get the definition of the word 'sex' clarified here. When I say sex, I generally mean all the activities that happen between two lovers in an intimate setting, not just sexual intercourse.

Why is it that you can't manage a break from him? What is it that scares you about being by yourself? You're young still, if your age listed is correct at 18-21, so he's been your only boyfriend, right?

What would ideal sex be for you? I'm not looking for an explicit detailed answer here from you, just a general notion of what type of sexual activities would be desired by you.

I want to tell you that you should be honest with him now, before things get too far along, and you do find yourself stuck in a relationship where there is zero physical desire on your part. At the same time, you recognize that this is a problem and you're looking for advice to help you, and maybe the knowledge that you do NOT enjoy sex with him would be the death blow to your relationship.

When you try these 'breaks', who initiates that? And is it always you that tries to get together again?

Sorry again for all the questions, but there's something missing from your question, and that is what it is that you want to happen. Do you want to feel sexual desire, or are you just looking for coping strategies that will help you if you do get married?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008):

i think you need to realise that you dont find him attractive anymore.at 3 years you should really still be in the honeymoon period and be turned on by the thought of him.you sound like you have been married for twenty years with kids.i think proposing should be the last thing on your mind!think how you would feel if you found out that he felt this way about you.

you need to really think what you want and be honest with him.it sounds to be like you are being selfish and making him believe u still love him when actually you dont.

the best of luck.

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