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Why does this 40 year old man want my virginity?

Tagged as: Age differences, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 November 2010) 23 Answers - (Newest, 18 November 2010)
A female Canada age 18-21, *anuary19 writes:

I've been speaking with a 40 year old man for about 4 months on the internet. Don't tell me about the fact that I'm 18 and he could be my dad. I am aware of that. That's not the advice I'm seeking. Or tell me that he's going through a midlife crisis and that he's some weird pervert because, he's not. You don't know the details and I am too tired to give you the whole story.

What I want to know is: If we do meet in real life... I'm a virgin, why would he want to be with someone as inexperienced as me when there's obviously women his age that would know how to please him?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010):

normally it's a submissive/innocent girl with a old "experienced"/dominant guy fetish kind of thing

he probably likes dominant/submissive kinky stuff

plus its an ego boost for him

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010):

Well, "Why?" is a good question.

Any 40 year old man worth his salt, or sperm for that matter, who has any balls at all, knows that an experienced woman, who knows what she wants and knows what she has and how to use it, will be a much better lover than a virginal 18 year old woman.

So, sex with the experienced and confident woman is always better...unless you just have a thing for breaking young women in.

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A male reader, soon567 United States +, writes (11 November 2010):

I read everything you wrote here. I do believe ur more mature or reserved then someone your age. Heck I said and I am not even dating or trying to date you. I read over your post and look at what you posted. I then read the advice given to you.

“Don't tell me about the fact that I'm 18 and he could be my dad.” I think you said it all right here, you’re not seeking others morals values. Never live your life how others think you should, with that.

“I'm a virgin, why would he want to be with someone as inexperienced as me when there's obviously women his age that would know how to please him?” You’re inexperience when it comes to (sex) is what I take from this and what I read below. You will learn that it’s a difference when it comes to sex and making love.

1.) Sex to me doesn’t involve real feelings, comment, or real relationship (friend with benefits or one-night stands).

2.) If you two where in-love with each other, whom shared a bond (emotional bond) with each other, you would care about each other feeling therefore you would cherish each other making sure each would be taken care of. When someone who is in love makes love to their lover, wife, girlfriend, or whatever you have you would take care of all of their need not just sexually. Basically you’re into that person.

Your guy however isn’t into you. From the three posts I have read or he’s holding back and he needs to come clean with you. I feel that he wants to, but thinks you will be gone if he does. Keep playing 20 questions with him.

“how is he any different than a guy my age?” There’s no different except others want you to live their lives or want you to live according to how they think you should live. Any male regardless of his age will be attracted to you (surprise) and will want to sleep with you. You’re 18 and the guy can be 19 it’s no guarantee that he’ll want you one minute after he completes his act. Actually older are more genuine.

“Don't young girls get dumped right after the "prove your love to me"?” have you seen DC post of girls/women. They post from the bed because the guy unload and take off before they can get there clothing back on. Here take a look at this one, I am sure this will last:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-the-end-doesnt-it-only-matter-about.html

“Aren't most of them horn dogs that just want sex because of their testosterone?” They’re probably masturbating as we speak.

Never leave a male to think on his own, you results will be lacking. Passion doesn’t mean getting laid; set boundaries and live your life as you please. You’re 18 and an adult, if you can lay your life on the line for your country you certain fuck who you want too. Your guy seems like he’s feeding you information on a need to know basis, I would dig deeper before I go further.

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A female reader, Gabrielle Stoker United States +, writes (11 November 2010):

Gabrielle Stoker agony auntForty year old men want a lot of things. The chance for sex with a younger woman (attractive one's preferred, of course) ranks right up there next to the scarlet Ferrari.

I've been with my share of older men as a teenager - while I lost my virginity to a boy may age, my second lover (and several after) were more than twice my age. Were they exploiting me? The first one definitely was - I was the girl who would do whatever he told me because I thought I was in love with him. He just had to say 'now' and I was there. He had me pretty much where he wanted, I must say...I thought the world began and ended with him. After that, I don't know so much. I was wiser, more conscious of my sexuality and of the fact that love - as I had pictured it - was a myth. When I hooked up with men older than me, though I was still under twenty, I was experienced, often way more than they were and in a sense was clear that I was NOT being used any more. It was a matter of choice.

Are younger man any different? It's difficult to generalize. You're coming across as being intelligent enough to know that 'prove your love for me' is a bucket of crap. Why can't you see that there is something equally 'wrong' about someone his age being with someone as inexperienced as you - especially if you've let on that you're a virgin. Younger women are a turn on for older men, but someone as young as you - there's just a hint of something a little wrong there.

This guy you're talking about - he may be a creep, he may NOT be one. We don't know, and we can't judge based on what you've told us so far. if you have chat transcripts - have someone older than you, someone unbiased, look at them. What's the sense that comes out - is this someone who's been leading up to a sexual encounter? Some people are subtle as sin. What this is boiling down to is what YOU want. Seeing your previous questions on this site (in one, posted just 4 days ago, you've wondered if you're lesbian or bi.), I think you're at a stage where you are still discovering your own self, exploring your sexuality.

My recommendation would be - Don't contemplate sex with this guy - not yet at least. Blunder into your first sexual experience with that cute, shy guy who's been giving you glances but not yet mustered the courage to talk (if he exists). Explore your feelings for that girl-friend who you so wanted to kiss in a movie theatre (who apparently does exist).

Mr. Forty-years-old isn't going away anywhere. Let it be about you. IF you choose to sleep with him, let it be independant of HIS reasons for wanting you and more about your being confident enough of yourself to know what YOU want from the encounter. And even then, I'd suggest thinking twice.

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A female reader, marzbarr New Zealand +, writes (11 November 2010):

because your a virgin he wants to take advatage of you and the fact that your 18. although it may seem that you know/think you know him very well. but you may not know the real him behind the screen. so be careful what you wish for.

but i wish you luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010):

There is no shortage of mature young men. There is only a shortage of young women who actually want those men.

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A female reader, largentsgirl89 United States +, writes (11 November 2010):

largentsgirl89 agony auntExperience has told me that any man, no matter the age, likes, enjoys and wants sex. Some men that is all that they think about night and day and others can go forever and ever without it. You need to figure out which one he is. Whether he is genuinely interested in you as a person or if he is just telling you whatever you want to hear so he can get down your pants.

It depends on the guy. It really does. Most older men are more upfront, blunt if you will, with what they want and are more honest than younger guys (who more than likely just want down your pants) about what they want. So, if you really like him or if you feel that he is true in his affection for you, then go for it.

You never know. He could just be interested in you for being you. It happens. It's rare, but it happens. Go with what you feel is right.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (10 November 2010):

Tisha-1 agony auntThank you, tennisstar.

The guy likes to chat, sexually until he learned you were underage. You've built up an elaborate fantasy on the basis of not much at all. He has kids, he has history. He probably has more than one chat-partner.

I'd say leave it all in the realm of fantasy, tell your mother about him if you want a reality check and spend less time in chat rooms pretending to be someone you are not and more time out in the real world talking to people you can see and get to know.

Take care.

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (10 November 2010):

tennisstar88 agony aunthttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-would-he-want-to-be-with-someone.html

Looks like here's a bit of background.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (10 November 2010):

Tisha-1 agony auntYou asked "why would he want to be with someone as inexperienced as me when there's obviously women his age that would know how to please him?" You didn't provide any more information than that.

So what we see is an 18 year old girl, a virgin, who has presumably been talking to a 40 year old man she met on the internet.

I will expand on my answer. A 40 year old man might want to be with a sexually inexperienced girl because she is just that. Inexperienced. She won't have any baseline for judging what kind of lover he is.

Presumably he's had experience with other women and for whatever reason, none of them have worked out. Or, he is lying, he IS in a relationship, but likes to have fantasies over the internet because he... well, you 'know' him, you might fill in the blank. I don't have enough time to list all the reasons he could be a liar or a cheat.

As for young men your age, hell, yes, some may indeed be horndogs looking just for sex. Some of those horndogs grow into 40 year old men who continue to look just for sex.

My experience with young men that age is that most of them are just regular guys who want to have a nice relationship with a girl they like or are falling in love with and they may not have the experience or self-knowledge to do with with total polished aplomb. Maybe it depends on what kind of social group you are involved in or through what type of filter you are viewing men.

The thing that I wonder about for you is that a 40 year old guy is spending a lot of time talking to you on the internet. What's going on with him that he isn't dating someone closer to him in real life?

If you want advice you can use, you actually have to be a bit more specific. Otherwise you get the shotgun approach from people trying to help.

Good luck to you. Just be careful out there.

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (10 November 2010):

tennisstar88 agony auntHe is but he isn't..He could date women more his age but he chooses to go after one who is significantly younger and inexperienced....Again as many have stated the creepy factor. Any girl gets dumped around the "prove your love" stage inexperienced or not, if that's what the guy was after consider grabbing your purse after your finished because he's done. So no, it's not just the young naive ones. Actually I think your title fits because after 4 months he's already inquiring about sex, it's even worse that you two haven't met. Not all young guys are fueled by their testosterone, there are some that have it under control..what do you think a 40 year old man is going to be different, he sounds very driven by his testosterone! The only difference is he maybe more experienced than younger men. But what exactly are you after here with this guy? A relationship, to lose your V card?

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A female reader, January19 Canada +, writes (10 November 2010):

January19 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

January19 agony auntI appreciate each and every one of your answers. Some way more than the others, I admit. But, first of all, I am not going to meet with him and jump him in sight. Secondly, how is he any different than a guy my age? Wouldn't a young man be less sensitive on the subject? Don't young girls get dumped right after the "prove your love to me"? The moderators didn't give my agony the correct question title. It says there that it's as if he's asked for it. Now, going back to young men. Aren't most of them horn dogs that just want sex because of their testosterone? Sure, a 40 year old would certainly know how to woo me but young men also do it but in a clumsier way. Of course, I don't speak by experience but from my friend's stories.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010):

Your V card is a turn on because it hints that you are somewhat pure and this is attractive to a lot of men...including myself. Cindy hit the nail on the head too. She's an older woman so she's more apt to understand older men and what she said makes great sense. Use caution tho sweetness...there have been some virgin women on this board who have hooked up with older men and then they were dumped or used for that one purpose. Please be sure to feel he is genuine and not just with words...Id give it a trial run and see how this fella is with face to face contact as that way you can read body language, see his face, etc.. Anyone can type anything and be who they wanna be online. Im sure he's a nice guy and give him the benefit of the doubt, just be cautious and hopefully you wont be steered wrong :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010):

Hi. You were a bit sketchy on details, so im assumimg hes married. I dont think its a sexual thing. I think hes targeted you because older more experienced women wouldnt fall for his waffle.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (10 November 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt His turn on is PRECISELY by your inexperience.

Some guys like to play Pigmalion and shape you sexually according to their wants and needs.

Particularly those who are lousy in bed and don't know how to satisfy a woman.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010):

Short answer: he's a creep. Longer answer: He wants to take your virginty, you'll have nobody to compare him to so even if he's the worst lover in the world you're not going to know. Don't do it, you don't even know the guy. To be honest a guy in his 40s who, unless it's because of religious beliefs, is still a virgin you've got to wonder why. Seriously don't even think about going near this perv. If he needs the internet to lose his virginty at age 40 there's something very wrong there.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland +, writes (10 November 2010):

Cerberus agony auntFresh, young, innocent, tight body, tight vagina and the fact that taking a girls virginity can be a badge of honour worthy of a notch on the bed post. I could name a whole host of other reasons but without any details who knows. He could be desperate, a perv, a psycho, married, lonely etc. etc.

Lots and lots of reasons but for a 40 year old man stealing a girls innocence is a good one. Especially one it only took 4 months of sitting on his ass in front of the computer to get. Not bad really.

18 year old virgins are very easy to convince to do anything, especially when you have 22 years more experience than them dating, they're more gullible and trusting, as long as you can set their mind at ease they'll let you do what you want to them. And since you know there's not even the remote chance of a relationship you either convince them to be become 'secret' sex buddies or you dump them after you're done with them.

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A female reader, largentsgirl89 United States +, writes (10 November 2010):

largentsgirl89 agony auntGuys, no matter what their age, love virgins. The seductions, the plan and the execution. To be the first for a woman, especially in this day, is like the ultimate accomplishment for a male. Especially with him being 40. And you seem to be a little insecure, which he will play on. It's your virginity he wants to lay claim to. You aren't touched yet.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (10 November 2010):

Tisha-1 agony auntOne obvious reason could be that he can't risk being compared to anyone else because he knows he's lacking in some fundamental way. Either he's not a good lover or he has size issues.

Some men like the thought of making a sexual novice bleed. They get off on causing pain.

I'll tell you this. The healthy 40 year old men I know might fantasize about having sex with an 18 year old virgin but none of them would spend months grooming her on the internet and then expect sex on the first encounter. That is seriously creepy and unsafe.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010):

Just the fact that you don't understand the appeal for him is evidence of how unprepared you are for this. Men aren't the same as women. You think older men are sexy, and there is a flip side to that coin. Men tend to find younger and inexperienced women sexy.

I am not putting you down or calling you stupid, but I don't think you are experienced enough to know when you are in over your head. This is bad news and I think you sense it even though you don't want to stop seeing him.

This guy may not mean to hurt you for his own fun (or he may) but you are headed in that direction. A lot of people do a lot of damage to others while not purposely trying to do harm.

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (10 November 2010):

tennisstar88 agony auntWhat does a 40 year old man want with an 18 year old? Your virginity. He likes the fact that you're pure, tight, untainted, innocent, and not broken in..

Watch yourself.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010):

You might not want to hear it, but there is only one reason and one alone that a man of his age would want an 18 year old virgin.

Because she has no frame of reference.

I am a big believer that love can exist in even the strangest of circumstances, but the fact you are even considering losing your virginity to a middle-aged man frightens me.

Losing one's virginity is rightfully done clumsily, and with someone of a closer age to yourself. If love is involved, then all the better.

But once you have had a few sexual experiences, with one person or more, then you can start fooling around with much older men. Because you will know what and how you would like sex and how you wish to be treated.

But get some experience first. Trust me, it helps.

Flynn 24

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (10 November 2010):

It's BECAUSE you're a virgin that he wants you. He wants to take your virginity.

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