A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I in need of advice.I spend every day from the time i wake up around 7.30am when i know my husband gone to work, just sat in a chair i go on the computer just browsing when i am not doing this i cry i am crying now as i trying to write what i am feeling and i am so alone.I am not a nut case i am a woman who has been hurt and dont know what to do.I dont love or trust my husband anymore, he cheated on me though the years and i only found out a while ago,we have been having rows and when i need to know about the affairs he gets very angry and abusive and says he does nt want to remember he just wants to forget,he was never like this untill he got caughtwhat's made him this angry abusive person?We have tried relate but it did nt help much it was to expensive.Every time i try to express how i feel all he says is i know i,m sorry, but he cannot know the hurt and betrayal i feel. I have no where to go so i pretend things are ok between us this way i get to stay in the house as he wont leave as he says its me who dont want our marriage to work he knows what he wants now.Why do the cheating partner turn it around like its my fault we are in this mess.How can anyone say after 30 years they know what they have and want now.I know all marriages have there ups and downs but i cant see where i went wrong but i must have must'nt i?I know that i need some help to get over this but where do i go?Please advise me of what to do as i cant carry on living like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): to all that have posted here, such sensitivity and honest replies. I am sure the original poster is feeling a little better and a bit more insight into her horrible situation.
Yes, please stay strong and remember there are so many people on this site that will support you and sympathise with what you are going through. If you do not have someone to talk to personally, there are hundreds here that will comfort you.
A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (20 March 2009):
 I can relate fully to what your going through same happened to me and we are 30 yrs married this year.
They behave in this manner because they dont like to be reminded of what they have done, when he had his secret life with no questions asked everything was hunky dory! now he has been caught he has to face the consequences of his behaviour.
We also went to Relate where my hubby opened up about so much and i got to discover things i sort of knew but not to the extent of how these things were hurting him.
Most people cheat for many reason ranging from being unhappy in their marriage/partnership, their lives with that partner, coupled with kids, bills etc: they feel it is all work and no play as mines once told me i work hard and it is frustrating to see my money going on this and that and we are left with nothing but unknown to me he was spending it on himself with other women!
Don't feel any of this is your fault cause it is not it is his problem he was the one who decided to cheat, he was the one that was ok doing this behind your back whilst allowing you to play the dutiful wife running after his every whim, i often used to think how could anyone live two lives? but they can and some are very good at hiding it.
What you do now is entirely up to the both of you we decided 30 yrs was too long to throw away i have invested half my life with him and him i same as you, so think very carefully about that, also if you can put this to the back of your head and try to forget it and forgive him then you can go on to make this a marriage that will last another 30 yrs if you want too.
People will tell you all sorts of things leave him, he's scum etc: i had no one to tell this too cause my hubby's problem was so so different from yours and to tell family they would have had me packed and gone, i also had 3 grown up kids all still at home at the time and i had to think of them too, no one knows how devastating this can be on you and no one can tell you what to do it is up to you whether you can stay and make it work some cant and leave some stay and make it work.
I wanted to tell you a bit about my story so you could see how a positive side came from all this, he went into recovery and is doing great now and we are more like young lovers now more than anything, i could never imagine my life without him nor he i, we respect one another more than ever now, we treasure each day we have together and the weekends are bliss now. I live in the day as he does and he has changed almost to the man i married 30 yrs ago, something in him was not happy with his life, and he turned to other women to make him feel better they did for a while then all the anxieties and shame and guilt would hit him like a ton of bricks for him to live his life two ways was not good for him even though he tried on numerous occasions to stop he just couldn't till i found out and told him get help or we divorce he begged me for months not to leave him, told me what a fool he had been to think he could get away with this and for so long but he did and i felt like a fool for not finding out sooner.
Cut a long story short we are happier now than we ever were because all the problems we had were aired discussed and rectified, it was not easy not for one minute i had days i cried for hours and couldn't sleep i lost 45lbs in weight cause i thought my world had ended thats how it makes you feel. I was faithful to him for 30 yrs and loyal i did not deserve this and he knows that now, and will spend the rest of his days making this up to me (his words)
After 30 yrs you can say what you want and mean it i would urge you both to fight for this now if you can because you will get over this hurt and betrayal it is still raw in your head it took me over a yr and a half to get my sanity back!
It comes back trust me and you will trust again you need to work on these things you had a perfect marriage and then found out it wasn't that was the same for me, but you know your life is what you make it you dont need to sit on the computer at 7.30 in the morning get yourself out and about join some clubs i took up salsa dancing, i learned to play golf, i go to keep fit, i discovered a whole new world because for years i was too busy seeing to everyone else's life making sure all was well for them i came last!
Not now so you do the same get your life back again and if you want to make this work with hubby you need to work with him not against him, i am sorry for your pain it is awful i know but it will pass and dont allow this to ruin your life your a long time dead as they say! make the most of it while your alive.
Apologies for long post but this is so near to my heart i could not write just a short note i have been in your shoes i know the path is rocky but change that now walk with a kick in your step your load will lighten, it will get better take care.
Gina
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): I feel your pain. As women this is such a common thread. No response can take away or soothe your pain, because when you are hurting it is just that. But, I recommend couseling as well. Because we need tools to deal with the things that happen in our lives. Crying is purging so cry as many times as you need too. I notice that when I focus on the other women it tends to make me angry, hurt. So I learned not to wonder or compare myself. I don't believe you mentioned what type of abuse is going on, physical or mental. Either way this is not good. Many marriages have bounced back from an affair. However, it starts with that person (that man) taking full responsibility for what he has done. He needs to realize that he has broken a trust with you. And, you don't get over it just because he says he is sorry. If he is not willing to make this right, you may really need to rethink your marriage, only you will know if it is worth fighting for..... But this is a marriage and its not worth fighting for just because you have kids, or the economy is bad. Focus on the two of you. Some time terrible hurtful things are done so we can get the inspiration to move on. I hope you have a friend or a family member you can talk too. If not, maybe a church or if you have insurance. He has to be more willing to work this out. If he needed to check in with you everyday on his whereabouts, he needs to be willing to do whatever it takes if he wants your marriage to work. Don't pretend in your own house it just gives him more reason to find someone to blame. Your married, tell him how you feel and where you would like things to go from this point. If you don't know that's ok, but each day you will be getting stronger even if you don't feel that way. Never stay out of fear, its never worth it in the long run. Bless you and best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Just a Guy from Oz  +, writes (20 March 2009):
Hi - I sense such sadness and fear from you. Dont cry anymore - act. You should not keep living like this. Ask yourself this young lady...why does he get abusive?. Clearly it is not you who has strayed. Remember, offence is the best defence. Men attack because they feel guilty. Vulnerable. He manipulates the circumstances to detract from the issue - that he has been the cheating ba$tard. Remember that.
Sad thing is, and many will disagree here - particular religious folk, people stay together because they feel they must. It's an obligation. My advice - don't marry lightly, but conversely dont let years of marrital pain weigh heavily. Try everything you can to resolve issues. But don't die wondering. Think of the kids - but understand they need Mum (and Dad) to be happy most of all. Work on your marital problems hard, but don't accept a problem marriage is too hard to leave. Ultimately, it's o.k. to say no to continued unhappiness. It is not healthy for an individual, or children, to be in an unhappy or fake environemt.
The truth is people outgrow jobs, houses, fashion, hair styles and even awful partners. Is anyone reading this who is 30, the same person they were at 19? No. And if you are 45.... how much wiser are you then when you were 26?
It's ok to say "enough". Stop blaming yourself. Free yourself of guilt. Start living - you deserve better. T:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Please go to counselling. After just 1 week, I couldn't believe the difference it made in my life/thinking.
He needs to go too, (at different times), then together later on. Our problems can consume us, and they won't go away unless dealt with properly. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): A cheat and a liar can never justify what they do, they just don't like being found out. If he wants you he is going about it the wrong way.He needs to admit everything to you and let you make you own mind up.You have been wronged in the worst possible way and he has a lot of making up to do.Angry he has a cheek he should be on bended knee to you, if he wont see where he has gone wrong and let you alone about his behavior then he will destinguish your feelings for ever.You only have to tell him once buck up or ship out matey,he has already had his second chance when the affair came out,I relly think he should commit properly or he you will say enough is enough.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Hi there, I feel so sorry for you, I am a man who has been cheated on by there wife, I have been married for over twenty years and the agony goes on and on for me.it has been 7 or so months since I found out an to this day my wife constantly goes on about her affaiar ending an how the man she had an affair with dumped her and how unfairly he treated her and how she can't live with the way he treated her.She says she loves me and wants to be with me but her pain constantly takes over her and my life.I orgave her and desperatly want it to stop stop stop, but now she won't let go because this man wonn't take anything to do with her, I am like you and don't know what to do, she is not abusive tho does get angry she says at him not me.But still it never dies a death in our life because she just won't let go. I came here to Dearcupid as a man because i had to tell someone what I was going through,I have never told anyone ever what she did and has done to me,I still love her but like you don't know how to get some peace in my life from the terrible thing that patners do to us.I am thinking of going to a marriage counceler so i can say how this is making me feel to this date,I just wish they could see what they did to us and what by the way they act after they do these things to us, and stop being selfish about there mistakes and if they relly want to make a go of marriage then they would stop there actions and put us first.I feel for you as I know exactly what your are going thru and wish you peace and happiness free from the torment our partners keep putting us thru.hope this helps even a little help you relise you are not the only one having to endure this and maybe like me you will go to councelling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): thankyou for your answers i will try to get myself out of this mess its not going to be easy as i am so down i not thinking straight,but i do agree that i need to get away from him he will never change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): You have been betrayed and your feelings are justified! He turns the blame on you, and gets angry and abusive, because he has no defense! He's guilty and he knows it, he got caught, and his frustration causes his anger!
You don't deserve to live your life like this! You've shed enough tears over this jerk! It is time to focus on empowering yourself! Don't let him have control one more day. If he won't leave, you need to come up with a plan to get away from him. Even the most impossible situation can be resolved if you really want it. I know everyone is having financial problems and money is tight. But where there's a will there's a way! Concentrate on ways to improve your life. You can't fix him, but you can fix you. You have recently realized you have been living in a life of betrayal...you have good reason to feel so hurt. Turn that energy into positive determination to begin a new life without him. You can do it! I did! And it was the best thing I ever did. I wish you all the luck in the world! Be Strong and live for you!
Don't suffer alone in your pain...if ever you need to vent or are looking for support, feel free to private message me!
Change your attitude today! You don't have to be the victim forever!
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Britt
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (20 March 2009):
oh & the reason why the cheater makes it out to be the other persons fault is because they're trying to desperately justify their actions. dont take it.
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (20 March 2009):
you would be better to move out or better still to throw him out since you have done nothing wrong, its him who is at fault. you should sit him down & tell him how you feel & dont mince your words. then tell him you need space. your not over reacting it is a natural reaction to be upset especially after being married so long.
''I know that i need some help to get over this but where do i go?''
it sounds to me like your husband is the one who needs help the most since you say he cheated on you throughout the years. good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (20 March 2009):
 aw hunny!!
the reason why they turn it around on you when they have been unfaithful is because they want to make it feel like it is your fault they don't want to admitt that what they have done is wrong so they turn it around on you so it makes you look like the bad person and they get all the apologies and sympathy!!
if you don't love him and trust him then get out of ther!
you don't need some horrible man like that treating you badly!
making you feel like it's your fault when he's the one whose been unfatihful
don't cry if you ever need to chat let me know :)
pop me amessage or something.
i'm a great listener!
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